Vacation mode

One time that has always been difficult for me in the past, especially when I was an undergrad, was vacation time. Christmas, thanksgiving, summer break, etc... it didn't matter what it was, it was always a time that I was more prone to acting out. I don't think I'm alone in this, as I often hear of others having similar issues of acting out on scheduled vacation or while traveling around, I think there are a few general reasons why.

1) I used to enter "vacation mode" - Vacation mode is a state of mind where I decide I'm going to do what I want to do when I want to do it and I'm not going to do things I don't want to do because I'm on a vacation, dang it. That's essentially it. It becomes a period of severe self-indulgence. If I want to sit around and watch tv or play a video game all day, I'll do it. If I don't want to read scriptures or pray, I won't. I'm on vacation! Vacation mode is soooo dangerous because it puts us in that self-indulging frame of mind. This is something I have had to eradicate from my life as much as possible, even to a small degree. Because when I start being selfish in certain things, it inevitably puts me in this dangerous frame of mind. Vacation is the perfect petri dish for self-indulgence.

2) It throws off my routines - There is serious power in routines. Getting up at a certain time, reading scriptures in the morning, only being on the computer at certain times in certain places, going and fulfilling various responsibilities when we need to, eating at the right times, etc. On vacation though, sleep and eating patterns tend to change. Often the daily responsibilities aren't around anymore. When my good routines break, I tend to get into lazy or self-destructive routines.

SO....

I've had my share of vacations over the last little while and have finally in the last couple years began to have success. Whether you have a day or a week or 2 weeks off (like me) this Christmas, may I suggest a few things to help each of us be successful:

1) Keep your rules and routines! I'll do my best to not let my sleep schedule get wonky, I'll read my scriptures each day and say my prayers each day. I'll get out and exercise each day, particularly starting 1/1 since that's when my mile a day 2014 starts! I won't let laziness win. Whenever the thought of "I don't really want to do that today" pops in my head, I'll grit down and do it. Your self-mastery will increase all the more. As far as rules go, I still won't use the internet (aside from email) if noone else is around, and I'll continue to pay attention to negative thoughts and feelings throughout each day and be open with my wife about difficulties I'm having.

2) Avoid self-indulgence! This can be done in a variety of ways. One way is through service. Get out and do something for someone else. Do some housework or yardwork. Organize a room. Bake something and take it to an old couple in the area. Don't eat seconds or thirds of every meal. Don't just sit around. Another way is to avoid things that put you in a self-indulging mode. For me this was video games. During breaks I would find a good video game and just get absorbed into it - this always put me in an acting out mind set and so I have had to stop playing games unless they are those big multiplayer games like mario party with my family.

In short, be in the vacation but not of the vacation. :) Just stay out of vacation mode. I can still relax and have fun with my family without becoming self-indulgent and lazy. That's what I plan on doing this Christmas break, and I pray God will help each of us make the most of it and stay safe.

Under the stars

Looks like it's been a while - recovery has been going quite well for us. It's taken a long time, but we're slowly but surely moving forward and we feel better than ever. And I'm so glad. Daily struggles still happen. I am still faced with decisions daily that could lead down the wrong path. They aren't near as severe as they used to be, they are much simpler: whether or not I'm going to pick up the trash I dropped, whether I'll tell the truth in things of lesser consequence, keeping the rules we've set about media use, whether or not I will linger on a magazine or someone around me, etc. Pornography and things of more severe consequence are hardly a temptation for me any more, and I believe it's because God has blessed me in my diligence in being honest and diligent in the small things successfully for a while now.

Anyway, on an unrelated note I went camping last night with the young men of my ward and had a great time. The best part of the trip happened when no one else was around. I had a tent in my car but decided to sleep out under the stars instead (mainly out of sheer laziness). It was about 30 degrees outside, so it was a little cold, and I bundled in my sleeping bag best I could (I was still cold most the night).

Coincidentally, there was also a meteor shower last night that was supposed to hit its max meteors/hour at 4 am. So I set my alarm for 4 and woke up to watch the show. As I laid there in my bag waiting for one meteor after another, I thought a lot about letting things go. I found my mind running off to things. Bad things I've done. Things I'm stressed about. Songs that get stuck in my head, etc. One by one I put each of those aside, mentally telling myself "I'm not thinking about those things now." I just focused on the moment and where I was. And it was really awesome.

This might sound kind of cheesy but on the way home today I started noticing little things about my surroundings that I go by each day. Landscapes I haven't looked at, buildings I haven't seen... it kind of looked like a new place. Nothing fancy to say about it. I just liked it and I hope I can find more opportunities to slow down, put all the worries out of my mind, and just watch and be. Hopefully in a little warmer weather next time.

Up and down

Well, after a little while of feeling fabulous I woke up this morning and just kind of knew it was going to be a rough day... not temptation wise, but just in general. Funny how you can just feel it. Yeah, I'm kind of burned  out of my current medical rotation and my allergies are kicking my butt today, but what else is new? These are the days where the little things for some reason aren't so little. Accidentally dropping something or driving behind someone slow seems to have so much more weight than it did just yesterday. The water level is lower and I'm just hitting more rocks even though the daily things are the same.

It's funny how these days come around, and how it feels like everything is going wrong when it really isn't. It's just an interesting thing. Cause tomorrow, or the next day, or real soon, I'll feel fine. And I won't get upset when I throw something and it doesn't go in the garbage.

Until then, I'll go to group and bond with the boys, and not spiral downward into depression, because tomorrow will be a better day. And if not, the next day will be. Just keep the nose to the grindstone. Whine-session concluded.

2014: A mile a day

I was reading a talk this morning that talked about self-mastery as being one of the most important lessons we can learn in this life, and it made me think about the habits and goals I've been setting recently. Recovery is a multi-faceted thing, and part of healing is just learning better habits and enabling God's strength to do it.

The best way to start is a goal that is easy-peasy that you know you can do. Mine this year has been flossing. A little goal, I know. It literally takes 1 minute a day. But back in January I couldn't believe how hard it was to motivate myself to floss for that one minute. I know everyone says, "do something for 2 or 3 weeks and it becomes habit" which I was always skeptical about. But seriously, after I grit down and flossed every single day for 3 weeks, it just made it's way into my routine. Since then, I've missed 3 days and that's it!

Once again, this may sound like a little thing, but now that I think about it, it is the first time I've set a goal and stuck with it for a decent amount of time. My next goal, and I'm seriously going to do this one, is for 2014 I'm going to run a mile every day, excluding Sundays. A mile at it's slowest takes 15 minutes, and I know I have 15 minutes a day to take care of my body. I've seen to many obese, diabetic, hypertensive patients with heart failure this year to let my body go on the wayside. Sure, it'd be great to do a fabulous workout or train for a marathon, but I need to start small with something I know I can do.

When I set and accomplish goals it gives me faith in recovery. I builds my faith in myself and builds my integrity. If I am solid in some little things, I can be solid in others. I can keep the rules of not surfing on the internet alone. I can tell my wife if I think of a loophole around our current electronic arrangement. I can turn to God when things get hard. We all can.

Anyway, I'd like to invite everyone that wants to to join me in mentally preparing to run a mile a day in 2014. And then on that cold morning on New Years day we throw on the jacket and get out for 15 minutes and do something to develop self-mastery and self-esteem, and health! I've already worked through the excuses I might have: I don't have time? Yes I do. I'm sick? Get out and walk for 15 minutes anyway, I'll be fine. My knee hurts? Walk, ride a bike. I broke my ankle? Get some crutches :).

It's something we all can do, I know we can, it will just take some will power. It'll be crazy hard for the first month, but so so worth it in the end. Who's in? I am. :)

Game-time decision

So my blog is good decisions, one day at a time for a reason, because that's a big part of recovery for me. It takes a conscious decision for me to make good decisions when it's difficult in a variety of circumstances at various moments throughout each day. Sounds simple... but it takes practice. I had a good test of this a couple days ago...

So my wife and I got iphones a month or so ago. We have been scared to get them because it's hard enough with figurative cigarettes everywhere, and now I'd have a pack of them in my pocket constantly. But we put good limits and controls on it, and it really hasn't been a temptation much at all to look up anything inappropriate. So that's good.

One other thing I've been afraid of is the iphone games. Stupid, I know. But for me, games are a type of addiction. I get so into them. I go to them for some of the same reasons I sought out pornography - to escape reality and everything that comes with it. Anyway, part of recovery for me was eliminating video games from my life. And it was hard at first, I'm sad to admit. 

Anyway, my wife and I wanted to get a game on our iphones that we could play together for kicks, and we found... hay day! Some of you just smiled a bit and thought of your awesome farms, admit it. Anyway, I think it's funny that people advertise games as addicting because that game is so addicting! It utilizes the principles of rewards at variable intervals to train your brain to think of it at various times during the day. Amazing stuff.

I decided it was ok because my wife and I would be playing the game kind of together, even though we had different games. I thought I'd be ok because of that. I put limits on my time, 15 min 3x a day and that's it. But I began thinking about it frequently throughout the day. It occupied my mind. I began to start to make exceptions to my rule. I even found myself becoming more irritable... weird, I know. And after a few days, I just realized that my life would be better without it. I felt like I should probably delete it and stop, but I didn't want to - I still thought I could handle it.

After a day or so my wife and I were getting ready for bed, and I just thought - you know, you just have to delete it and move on - you know you're better off without it. So I opened my phone and deleted the game. My wife deleted hers as well. 

This may sound dumb to a lot of you, but for others it will hit a nerve because you are like me. There isn't anything inherently wrong with video games... but I can't have those types of games in my life because of how they make me feel and the unhealthy outlet they give me. And I'm okay with that. 

I'd been wondering if I should delete it from the 1st day I put it on my phone, but it didn't get stronger until I read Elder Scott's most recent conference talk. He talks about the anti-nephi-lehis and how they had buried their weapons of war and covenanted not to use them again. Elder Scott asks the question, if they repented and had been cleansed by the atonement, why not pick up their weapons and go to war instead of sending their young sons to battle? The answer was that they did not want to bring back old weaknesses that might be difficult to them and might give the devil a chance to exploit it. Similarly today I read Elder Cook's talk about 4 different types of bondage. Pornography and other addictions were type one, but games and social media (and sports :(...) were type 2 because they are not inherently evil but often take our time and attention away from more important things. 

So, I've reburied my weapon of war. I can play multiplayer games on like a wii, but no single player level up games. That's the way it is, and I'm ok with it. I'm thankful to God and my wife for helping me have the strength to make the right decision. 

Driving stick shift

Haven't blogged in a while... when things are going well I seem to blog less so I guess that's a good thing. And things have been going really well, which I love.

Anyway, one topic I wanted to write about that is important to recovery that I realized again last week. My car was in the shop getting a free paint job (who loves factory recalls? I do), and so we had to make due with just one car between the two of us. Sounds simple right? Except for my wife's car is a stick shift and mine is automatic... and I have never learned to drive stick, despite being taught a few different times. And despite my wife wanting me to learn since we were dating.

So the day after I dropped my car off, my wife wanted me to practice driving the stick, and I kept finding one excuse or another not to do it. "I'll do it after (insert event)." "It's too dark right now." etc. There's always an excuse. Plus in the back of my mind was the fact that I'd just be too embarrassed to have my wife or the other people on the road see me shift too early, shift too late, shift to wrong gear, not push clutch in far enough, keeping clutch in too long, think I'm in reverse but actually I'm in first, and kill it in our garage, in parking lots, at stop lights, and sometimes in the middle of the road (all of which happened at some time).

Anyway, it got to the point where I needed to use it, and she wouldn't be there. One of the young men in our ward and I were taking sacrament to some elderly folks. So I picked him up and we went. It was a bumpy ride full of mistakes, but by the end I had at least had some minor successes. After that I had to drive the car to work each day about 20 min away. Lots of mistakes along the way, but by the end of a few days without my car I could drive a stick pretty smoothly, and I was pumped to show wifey.

She didn't trust me at first and actually wouldn't let me drive a few times after because it would make her nervous, but one time she let me and was pleasantly surprised at my progress at the stick driving. Now I can drive both cars no problem.

So anyway, I feel like this little ordeal of mine exhibited a lot of truths I've experienced in recovery. I'll put em in list form cause that's easiest for me.

1. Don't be afraid of looking stupid - This is honestly what kept me from learning stick all these years. I didn't want to look stupid to other strangers on the road. I didn't want people to see the idiot that killed their car thinking it would be a nervous 16 yo girl and then seeing me. In recovery, I had a really hard time letting go of my pride and letting others know about my struggles. It took a few years before I was willing to go to group, talk to family members, friends, etc and am still working on it. I know I'm making lots of progress though as I care less about what other people think of me and more about what matters.

2. Don't be afraid to make mistakes - another reason why I never learned stick is because I knew I would make mistakes while learning, and I hated that. I don't like making mistakes because it shows my weaknesses and makes me feel stupid (see #1). Sometimes it was scary to commit to recovery because I had made so many mistakes in the past and I was bound to make more. Sometimes I was scared to tell people at group or elsewhere that I was trying to recover because what if I mess up later? Mistakes are going to happen, and that's really the way we learn the majority of the time.

3. Trust takes a while - even after telling my wife I was great at driving the stick, it still took her a while before she trusted me to drive, and even when she did it was for a short distance at first. Patience with the spouse in recovery is tough but vital in recovery, especially in regards to trust.

4. Recovery takes a full commitment - If I were to have gone and got a rental car for that week "just in case" I couldn't learn to drive the stick, or had some other escape plan in case it was just too hard, I would've defaulted it early on for sure. Similarly, half-hearted to recovery never brings lasting results. We have to jump in with our whole effort head first and not have any other escape routes. Figure out what recover is going to take, and then completely and wholly commit to it without giving yourself a loop hole out. I will go to group every Tuesday. I will tell my wife if I have problems. I will not surf when wifey is not home. I will not lie about anything - if I do I will fix it. I will not use the computer after wifey is asleep. I will turn to God in the difficult moments and follow His will. No excepts or unlesses about it.

Anyway, that was my experience driving a stick and I'm pretty good at it now, or I guess at least I can get where I need to go. I kind of feel the same way about recovery... I feel like I'm at a point now I can get where I need to go, even if it isn't the smoothest ride. This week marks 21 months sober for me and we're going strong. I am so grateful to God for His help in getting us this far and I pray for His continual blessings on each of us in our journey. 加油！

10 Week Workshop - 5 Takeaways

So there's this 10 week workshop for couples that my wife and I just finished this Tuesday. Basically it was 2 hours a week on Tuesday night - it involved about 6 couples and 6 single people. For the first part of the meeting we would discuss the readings for that week and then there would be a certain topic or lesson that we were to discuss for the remainder of the class time. It seemed like it was quite beneficial for a lot of the people there, husbands and wives.

I thought I'd write a quick note about some things I took away from that workshop for me.

1) It helped us get even more comfortable with talking about, hearing about, and discussing this issue. At first it seems like it was impossible to not talk about this issue without one or both of us feeling depressed or angry. It seemed like the triggers were endless that could take us from feeling fine and dandy to dismal in an instant. I feel like the more constructive conversations we have about it, the more we understand what the other is going through and are able to be patient and supportive in dealing with it.

2) It helped to see other couples going through it. I've been seeing the guys that go through this for 3+ years while going to the LDS 12-step meetings, but I've never seen a wives' group or heard them talk about it. It was enlightening for me to see couples together in this situation and to see how they feel and how they deal with things. Sad, but enlightening. The first few weeks were really tough, I just felt like a big jerk and that I couldn't look anyone in the eye. But it got a bit easier as we all understood each other and all were working toward the same goal.

3) It helped me think less. That sounds weird, but I think that so often I (and other addicts) think WAY too much about things, particularly as we begin an intensive recovery regimen. I realized I've been overanalyzing things and thinking way too much about particular thoughts or feelings when I really just needed to take a breath and let things pass through me.

4) On that note, I realized the amount of negative self-talk I have - how much I put myself down in my head, how destructive some of my thought patterns are, and also how false some of the beliefs I've developed about life and love are. I need to simplify my life and my mind and focus on truths and the important things and not too many details.

5) I realized how amazing my wife is. Ok, I already knew she was pretty awesome, but as I watched other women go through what they were going through and heard things my wife said in answer to people's questions I just re-realized I married a pretty amazing girl. I am so grateful for the sacrifices she's made to be with me and the painful efforts she's put forth to try to get over the hurt I have caused. It takes someone really special to do that.

I guess those are the main points. There were all sorts of other topics and lessons that we were supposed to learn, but when I think back to it those are the things I will remember about the workshop. There is strength in being with other people in a positive atmosphere and we were blessed to be able to that. I'm looking forward to the Arizona family thing coming up on November 2nd.

Wifey and I were talking and a positive note came up about it (gotta hang on to those!) - it was that at least we'll have a heads up on this stuff when our kids start to get older. It won't blindside us. We are well aware of the challenges and consequences that this addiction brings and have experience battling it. Early on in recovery that was the answer to my question when I was trying to figure out why I would have this weakness... it was mainly because it's only going to get worse, and the world will need people with battlefield experience to help the wounded soldiers out there. So anyway, that was positive.

Togetherness Thingy

Just wanted to say thanks to all the women that attended the togetherness project thing up in SLC last Saturday. My wife came home and just had tons of positive things to say about it and I look forward to going over her notes and thoughts with her.

She said she met oodles of fabulous women that she can relate to and it meant so much to her - and that makes me happy. My wife finds so much comfort in knowing she's not the only one and that there are women out there just like her going through the same things that understand her. Kudos to whoever put it together.

At the same time I am fighting the urge to feel terrible about it all... the fact that my wife has to fly up to Utah and spend money to attend a conference to get over the ordeal that I put (/ am putting) her through makes me feel not awesome.

On a plus note about feeling terrible - my wife was having a really tough night last night (I think...) and it's because of things I've done/said in the past. Something I've been working on is being there for her at these times, because these situations usually turn into me feeling terrible and distancing myself because I feel bad for what I've done, but my wife doesn't need that, she needs reassurance and for me to be there for her. I've been really terrible about that in the past... growing up I was never been the one causing hurt and it's been hard to accept. But the last few times, including last night, I was able to fight past the feelings of withdrawing and running away and weather the tough feelings with wifey last night, and I'm proud of that. We've had such a rocky start to our marriage, but I think one by one we're fixing the little things that make relationships work which is really encouraging. And we're planning on finally moving forward together which is also really exciting - scary, but so exciting.

Iphone settings

So as I said before, wifey and I bought some pretty new iphones, and as I'm sure you all know, while convenient they unfortunately provide a whole new spectrum of temptation and ways to act out for us. I've been apprehensive about getting one just because I didn't want to have to worry about it, as has my wife, but we got em'.

One of the first things we did was talk about what limitations we should put on it. I'm to the point where I like limits on my media, because then I don't have to sit and fight and worry about it. Here are the settings on my phone that work for me.

Here are the two main ones:
Safari: off
Add apps: off

Also, twitter and fb and whatever else is blocked - no videos or anything. Don't need em.

And the wife has the passcode, of course.

One other thing my wife told me to put on here is that she asked me if I could think of any loopholes early on while we were figuring out the set up we wanted and I thought of one and told her and we fixed it. I'd much rather that than to sit and have the loophole eat at me and try to use willpower to push it out. Less worry = happier Nate.

Would it be nice to look at a website when I need to? Sure. Would it be nice to add a great app I want without asking my wife to put in the passcode to turn off restrictions, turn on app-adding, add the app, and then put the code in to turn restrictions back on? Of course. But convenience isn't my game anymore - it's safety, and I feel safe like this. I just don't need the ability to surf the web. I can get along fine without it. Yesterday's luxury does not need to become today's necessity. If there were a few sites that I really wanted to be able to check, there is a new way to filter and only allow certain websites. If I get to that point I'll just add the 2-3 websites I really need and call it good.

I was hoping that I'd be able to have internet, and the way I was thinking was to get k9 filter and covenant eyes app on my phone (the power combo on my computer), but I couldn't find a way to combine the two, it looked like I could have 1 or the other.

So I have a few medical apps I use, a calorie counter to keep track of what I eat, maps, email (but no ability to click on links within email), and not a ton else... just the bare minimum. And that works for me. I like feeling safe.

While the wife is away

So wifey headed up to SLC for the conference thing this weekend - couldn't be happier that she had the opportunity. I still feel really embarrassed and terrible that she has to fly to Utah for a conference because of the trauma I have caused her... but that's another issue.

It's been a busy weekend for me so there hasn't been anything in the realm of strong temptations to act out. Went out to dinner/billiards with a friend of mine after work on Friday, then on Sat I did service, tutoring, took my car in to the shop and read my new book, and then went paintballing with some friends.

I think it's important to keep busy while we are separated from our families... and make sure it's a good busy. One of the most important things I can do is deepen relationships with the people around me, and I was able to do a lot of that this weekend and feel pretty accepted and fulfilled in the things I was doing and the people I was with. So that's good. I also have been sure to not sit and surf online while she's gone (which is always the rule anyway).

The other day was actually the first time I inadvertently ran into pornography online, at least I think it was. The reason I'm not sure is because out of the corner of my eye it kind of looked like it and I instinctively closed the browser quick and stopped what I was doing. I was looking for an online site that would stream I football site I wanted to watch - online streaming sites are never a good idea and are almost always blocked on my comp anyway... so I also realized that was a bad idea in the first place.

Anyway, that was a nice experience and I wasn't tempted again about it. The other great thing is I was able to tell the wife about it soon after she got home and be transparent about that. Everything that builds trust is a good idea.

We're also praying about expanding our family here in the future, which although is scary to think about, I've got to admit is pretty exciting too.

Also we finally got iphones, something we've been worried about for a while, and I haven't even gotten close to having an issue viewing inappropriate things on it - that's great. Maybe in another post I can write about the settings on my phone that help me feel safe. It's so great because it's safe so it doesn't sit and nag me. I hate being nagged.

Those were the positive things of recent.

Negative things are kind of similar. I still have temptations to lust pretty often - I trained myself so well I think it's going to be a while till those stop. Also we made such a huge deal about it for a few months and I think it kind of messed up my approach to not lusting. Anyway... that is still frustrating to me. I'm making the right decisions with it though, and have faith things will get easier with time.

Also, the wife had a hard night at her parents' home tonight, and doesn't want to talk to me about it because the last time we had a conversation like that I criticized her for it instead of being supportive. Another bad habit I've been dealing with. It was a huge shame because she had an incredible day a the togetherness project too...

So those are the negative things of recent.

When I think/talk about addiction, I feel so grateful because watching porn/mb is not really a big temptation anymore! It is on occasion, and I'm sure there will be more temptations to come, but it is SO much easier than before and SO much less naggy. That's so encouraging. Still got a long road to walk, but I feel better about it.

Thinking positive

Having a hard morning, so I think I just need to spend some time thinking positively. Sometimes it's really easy to get caught up in the "I wish I had..." and "I wish she would have..." that I despair and lose focus on the main thing - what I can do about it now. And when I despair I typically think more negatively and have things turn out worse.

There's certainly evidence that shows that thinking positively or negatively influences performance. One study had one group of golfers imagine their putt going in and their other group imagining their putt just barely missing. Another study did the same thing with table tennis players. Both showed that the ones that thought positively performed better.

My mission president told us a story once of a study of a college tennis team where they took the top 8 players and took video of their performance. For the top 4, they made videos of only their mistakes (however rare they hay have been) and had them watch them before playing each day. For the bottom 4, they made videos of their awesome shots (however rare they may have been) and had them watch the clips each day before they played. By the end of the trial, the bottom 4 and top 4 had switched places. I don't have the resource on this, so I'm not sure of the accuracy, but I have no issue believing the principle of it.

Anyway, so I'm going to think positively today. I'm going to imagine wifey and I communicating well, both communicating and understanding oneanother's needs. I'm going to imagine myself talking about important things with her when I think about them, instead of being afraid and keeping them in. I'm going to imagine us feeling happy and starting a family together, even if it's a little scary. I imagine having a great day at work today. I imagine coming home and focusing on and caring for my wife's needs as we discuss her day and mine. Speedbumps will still come. Those golfers still missed putts. The tennis players still missed shots. But the important thing is that they progressed while the others digressed, and didn't get caught up in rehearsing over and over again the negative moments of life.

And there's also a difference between thinking positively and thinking naively obviously. It doesn't matter how many times I imagine myself throwing a perfect 50 yard football pass or dunking a basketball - just not happening, so it is important to assess plausibility in our positive thinking. One good assessment is to ask "has is happened before?" and "how long ago?"

Other positive things for me recently. I went over to my neighbor's house and sprayed his weeds for him. Another day I talked to him in his driveway. I set up a dinner with the older couple in our ward that I mentioned in my friend post. I didn't shut down when Laura and I had an important conversation. I didn't get upset or bitter one time when I felt I could have. And overall, I'm feeling a little less stressed and anxious than I have in months past.

Here's to having a positive day and doing what I can to make it so. Even though I feel like crap.

Rough Night

Not much time to write, but we had a bit of a rough night last  night. Things were going really well for a good while, longer than they had for months, and we were feeling better than we had in months, then out of the blue wifey was really upset at me. I know that she's stressed - the cat might be sick, we're trying to train our cat, she's picked up an extra job, and she's started an online business venture recently, all in addition to her busy and stressful teacher job.

We've still got our issues, one of which we've talked about a few times, and she wants me to bring it up to talk about, but I haven't. (Sorry to be cryptic, but I don't think it's appropriate to go into too much detail about us...). Anyway, the issues are there and we're working on them, and I've been focusing on comforting her when she's sad and being there for her emotionally and just let this other issue kind of fall through the cracks. She's obviously still been thinking about it (as I have), and all the extra stresses recently lowered the water level enough that our boat hit the rocks.

She didn't want to talk about it and was really angry at me for saying the same things I usually do that she's sick of. And that was the night. It's always hard to wake up and have her ignore me in the morning. It's hard to not get upset in return. It's hard to let emotion show and to deal with others emotions, esp since the family I grew up in didn't do that much. Marriage is just hard sometimes. I guess that's why they call it a developmental boot camp. What do I do? Keep trying to improve. Keep working on my weaknesses and issues. Keep trying to be patient and understanding. Keep developing, I guess.

My 5 friends (aside from my wife) :)

So based on the "5 Types of Friends Every Man Needs" these are my situations with the 5 friends:

1) The Mentor: we all need someone to fill the role of someone that we can go to for advice, trust for constructive criticism when we need it, and to give guidance from experience.

Aside from my wife (who is really brilliant and fills this role in many ways for me), I think there are 3 people that could possibly fill this role for me.

1) My Dad - we are similar in so many ways, he's been married for >30 years, been a doctor for just as long, and loves me a lot.

2) Bill from church - he's a WWII vet in his 90's with a chin you could light a match off of and a heart the size of Texas. We've been shooting a couple times and he'd be a great friend.

3) The doctor I'm working with - he's a 50 year old saint from India who could fill the role of guru in my life. He really cares for his friends and patients. 

But like I said - these guys aren't really intimate friends yet, just have to potential to be. How could they become that way? I could call my Dad more often and ask his advice more often. I could set up a time to go and just visit and talk with Bill at this house. I could think of appropriate questions to ask the doctor I'm working with in time. Aside from 1-on-1 time (which is necessary to develop intimacy with anyone), I think being willing to ask for advice on your troubles is important on this one.

2) The Handyman: someone who knows everything about everything - can fix bathroom floors, work on cars, cook a great steak etc.

No question this is my neighbor. He could build a house or a car without a book. He is one of more selfless people I know and has helped me a ton and I know he helps others a ton and doesn't ask anything in return. He's really open and loves talking. We could really be great friends but I haven't really made the effort to go and talk to him when he's in his garage, invite him to play raquetball or go bowling, aside from the handy projects we've done. I did leaf-blow his yard the other day and we've had some lunches together with our wives. But this is one where I could really have a great friend but haven't tapped into it.

3) The Bachelor: (or the wingman for single folk): someone to help you not forget your interests from pre-marriage days, who doesn't have a lot of attachments and at the drop of a hat could be someone to watch a football game with and just have some good man time with.

Noone I really know fits this role that well - before I was my buddy Jonny but he lives in a different state... there is a guy in my ward that is divorced and looking but is pretty busy with his work and kids from a previous marriage. But I guess he would be the one I would call to watch a game with or go golfing with, but this is a weaker one for me. I've got another guy I've known for a decade that is engaged now but almost fills that role because he invites me to do stuff every other month or so and those things are random (but often expensive...).

4) The Work Buddy: someone to get you through the work week who doesn't have to be your best friend, but who you can eat lunch with and have a good conversation with at work.

I switch clinics every month so this one is a little difficult too... but I have a med school buddy that I feel a bit closer to than the rest of them, but we aren't that close and it wouldn't be the easiest friendship to build on quickly. A good one to keep on the back burner though.

5) The Fitness Buff: someone who trains for marathons and triathalons and just loves being fit for the sake of being fit, who invites us to get off our butts and go running and get active.

Again, I don't really have a close friend that does this for me... or anyone that I see could really fill it at this time. My wife is the closest one who does this for me as she has gotten me to get out and run, play tennis, and even do a few rounds of being shred by Jillian Michaels. I play tennis with my doctor friend, frisbee with some other friends, and volleyball with another doctor friend. I do have a friend that is insanely fit because he's a cop, but he lives far from me and is really busy so we don't get together for athletic things. Maybe we could?

So anyway, those are the 5 friends and who I think could fill them. As far as my life goes, I think I need to develop the relationship with my neighbor more, as well as start asking spending time with and asking questions to the good mentors in my life. When I get those 2 down I'll work on the rest. And of course throughout developing good intimate friendships with those around me, I still need to keep the #1 priority developing intimacy and closeness with my wifey - because that's the one that really matters, and the one that I desire the most.

Friendship and Intimacy

Something that I've been trying to do in my recovery is to reach out and make some friends. I haven't been making a ton of effort at it, but I have been trying somewhat to be more social and build relationships with others.

The reason I've been working on this is because in my workshop we talked about the type of person that gets stuck in sexual addiction is one who needs and lacks relationships and intimacy. When I hear the word intimate I tend to think of "being intimate" with someone - but in addition to that, what it really means in a relationship is closeness, transparency, commitment, devotedness, affection, fidelity, and mutuality.

 I realized that I really stink at developing intimate relationships. Sure, I ALWAYS had a pretty tight-knit group of friends growing up - through all grades in school and in through college - but everything was so superficial. We never talked about the weightier matters that glue people together and enable them to trust and lean on each other. From the outside, no one really had problems and everything was lovely and perfect (kind of sounds like church, haha). We didn't really talk about our troubles or our needs. Maybe the girls did, but we sure didn't.

Even now I still have trouble with this. When my wife and I have gotten closer, I have had this weird natural reaction (that I hate) to mess things up, to push her away and distance myself. I think mainly because when it comes down to it I fear intimacy because intimacy means truly seeing and being seen, and I haven't been good at not rejecting others because of their inadequacies and I have an intense fear of being rejected after my inadequacies are discovered. So this is something I really need to work on. I have a lot of mental tapes that I run through my head in this area. I guess it's good I realize these things and that they are a problem. Knowledge is power. My wife and I really working on developing true intimacy between us. The first 2 years of our marriage have been pretty dramatic and traumatizing, so it's taking some rebuilding. We're trying to create a safe environment with each other so that can happen, and we have been making progress which feels great. I really feel like we're going to make it and be fine. (On a plus note, I'm coming up on 20 months of sobriety, which is beyond the 18 addictionologists say are required for the brain to really start healing from addiction - go brain!).

Anyway, when it comes down to it I've really only had 2 really intimate friends in my life (aside from my efforts with my wife): my buddy Jonny and my little sister. These relationships weren't always intimate - they became intimate when one of us decided we would open up to the other person about our troubles, and then in turn the other person opened up about theirs. We accepted each others' faults and supported each other in a non-biased way. We could tell each other anything and usually did. (This is another reason why it's a bit more challenging with my wife, because while my inadequacies and weaknesses didn't really affect my friend or sister, they have deeply wounded my wife - just another challenge along the way that deserves mentioning). These are two relationships that really helped me in my early years of recovery. Another that comes close to it is one of my brothers-in-law.

I read "5 Types of Friends Every Man Needs" in the art of manliness blog today and it really solidified my belief that I really need friends. In addition to working hard to build intimacy with my wife (which is the first priority), I also need to try and build intimacy with a few other friends. As my wife and I discovered, if we just are with each other every day and only have each other to talk to, it gets hard. We need friends to reach out to. The article says that a person can usually maintain about 150 friendships in their life, which I'm sure varies but is pretty close to the truth. Which makes me wonder, how many of those beloved facebook friends to I actually give a crap about? haha.

Within those 150, a person usually has the capacity to have about 5 intimate friends with whom they share a certain level of transparency, devotedness, affection, and mutuality. How many of these do I have now? ... I'm not sure. I have a few good friends that I have a higher level of intimacy with than others, but it could be improved greatly. And I don't want to be the guy that just sits and throws his problems around at everyone and is a burden all the time, but I feel like there are times and places where it is appropriate. However, I've been going through some of the hardest times of my life in working through our martial troubles, and aside from a bishop and counselor, the only other person that I've really talked to is my father. And I think it's an important balance to maintain, and I still don't really get how appropriate it is to talk about marital problems with friends and to what level it is appropriate to go into... something to think about I guess.

So the 5 types of friends are: a mentor, a handyman, a work buddy, a bachelor, and a fitness buff. This is already getting way long and I'm kind of tired so I'll do another post later about what each of those entails and possibly who fits or could fit into that friend category for me. And hopefully I can think about how I can develop closer relationships with a few people that can further enrich my life and help fill the need for intimacy in my life.

Life is good

I don't even know what to write today, but I just kind of want to get on and write... like a journal type entry. So here we go.

My life is gooood. It really is. I'm married to a really wonderful woman. She's smart, beautiful, strong, capable, honest, funny, hard-working, finance savvy, and is really cute with cats. I live in a pretty nice little house that wifey has decorated really nicely so it has become our home. I live in a nice neighborhood with nice neighbors and only a couple annoying dogs. I've made some great friends down here at my school. I have a couple of sport gatherings that I can go to each week, which I really love. I'm pretty healthy. I'm enjoying my church calling. I have a car that has worked without problems for a few years (great, now I jinxed it). Wifey has a great job where she helps a lot of kids and where she is really shining. I was able to be successful in school and on my big tests and now am having a great time in rotations. I've had some great docs that I've worked with that have cared about me and my education. We've got a nice SA workshop we're going to weekly. And though it's been a truly difficult road, maintaining sobriety is getting less and less difficult. 

Anyway, I have a lot of great things in my life. When I sit and count my blessings, it's not difficult to see that I have many. A skill that I'm trying to work on is to not over-complicate things and focus on the little things that aren't perfect in my life. I feel like I'm standing in this really beautiful area with trees, waterfalls, animals, etc around me but keep putting little things in front of my eyes that block my vision of all the many wonderful things around me. (I stink at analogies, I know.) Satan would have me do that, and would have me be miserable - and he has done a pretty good job of it. Sometimes I still get sad and scared. I wish I didn't, but I do. But I'm learning more about my enemy and how he works - I'm getting on to his lies! I'm learning what's reality and what's ridiculous. I'm learning what's life and what's lies. I'm learning what's normal and what's nonsense. I still have a lot to learn and a lot of things that need changing, but it's happening and I feel like it will continue to happen as I keep at it. 

When it comes down to it, life is really pretty simple, and I have a great one. I'm a really lucky guy. 

What is this feeling?

Not loathing, for all you Wicked fans. Everyone else, don't worry about it. 

Anyway, last night while driving to our SA workshop that we're attending I was thinking about how things were going and realized that the last few days had just been a little easier than the previous few weeks. Temptations to get on the computer and look at something are few and far between, but I am currently engaged in the daily battle with the temptation to lust, and I also need to learn some fundamental things about intimacy and relationships and life that I have yet been unable to learn. 

I have been learning that it's ok to notice that other women are attractive. It's ok for women to be attractive. It's ok for me to notice. And that's it. It doesn't have to mean anything more than that. I have been working on looking at women as whole human beings and to not objectify them or look at them superficially as I have done for much of my life. I don't have to get nervous because there is someone attractive around. I can notice and let it end at that, and remember my love for my wife, the many things I admire about her, and the deep intimacy that we have been working to build. I didn't explain that situation very well, but oh well...

Anyway, for one reason or another, recently temptations in this realm have been harder to deal with and work through, and that has brought me a lot of anxiety, stress, depression, etc. BUT yesterday as I was thinking I realized that I was actually feeling ok, and better, and that things were ok. During the workshop I tried to express how I was feeling and struggled. I couldn't find the right words until the facilitator jumped in and said:

You're feeling more peaceful.

And it hit me. It had been so long since I felt any real degree of peace that I completely forgot what it was like and how to describe it. By no means am I completely at peace with myself and life and everything, although I wish I were, but for those few days I was at least able to feel peaceful to some degree, and it gave me a hope that I can get to that point long term eventually. 

I'm curious how often others with addiction or loved ones of addicts feel peace and what they do to feel peace - because I really loved it. I felt so much better. I think all that talking about it made me think more and so today was a little less peaceful, but I've tasted it now and desire it more. Perhaps it came from acceptance or maybe it was simply a gift from God. Either way... I could get used to it. 

Intimacy, relationships, and a cat

My wife and I are attending a 10 week sexual addiction workshop that I think is going to be really great. It's been interesting though, as my wife has been more comfortable in the meetings than I have, mainly since I've never attended a group where wives were also there - for the 3+ years I've been going to group it's always been a bunch of guys who are addicts and although I was very nervous at first I learned that no one was judging and opened up. That nervousness is back and I'm really self-conscious in this workshop, but that will need to get better if I'm to get all I need to get out of it (which is A LOT). 

One thing from last night that stayed with me was that people don't pick what addiction they have, the addiction picks the person. Addictions stem from needs. And the type of person that gets sucked into sexual addiction is one who deeply needs intimacy. In the workshop, intimacy was defined with other words: vulnerable, interpersonal, attachment, familiar, respectful, righteous, trusting, transparent, interaction. 

I looked back on my life and realized I haven't had a truly intimate relationship ever. Don't get me wrong, I had tons of friends, but my relationship with them always went to a certain point and no further. I never really confided in my friends. I always acted as if everything was fine. Even with my wife, dating, engagement, and into marriage, I have stunk at being vulnerable, interpersonal, attached, familiar, respectful, righteous, trusting, transparent, and interactive. Turns out I'm really terrible at intimacy.

I also remembered that I wasn't able to really make any progress with my addiction years ago until I opened up to people - my parents, friends, group members, other family members. It was then that I felt closer to them, accepted by them, and in turn some of them opened up to me and it felt great. Unfortunately that was just the beginning, and I'm still the same man in many ways. 

Temptations have been esp difficult recently, I think because I am lacking in good relationships. Things with the wife and I have been really hard the last few months. My good friends and I moved on with the new school year and I don't see them. My 12-step group recently split and I don't talk to people very much there anymore. I think this is why it's been so hard.

So anyway, one thing that I want to focus on is developing intimate relationships with those around me - first and foremost my wife. I will try to feel vulnerable, transparent, interpersonal, etc with her as she would like me to.

Here are some things I've done, and maybe some things I plan to do.

One problem that I have to fix is that I shut down when my wife needs me most. Often, when she opens up and leans on me and needs me, I shut down because it's usually because of things I have done and instead of being supportive and reassuring I feel terrible and that's the end of it. Yesterday we had one of those moments and instead of sinking into my despair I tried very hard to instead think of her and how I could help her. I still didn't say anything great or impressive like the scripted shows we watch, but I said something. And that's improvement.

Also, one thing that my wife has wanted for over a decade is her own cat. She told me this when before we got married, and I knew it would be a reality eventually - but I hadn't really decided it would be. When we'd talk about it I'd always shove it into the future and come up with excuses. The idea is really scary to me - I've never had an indoor pet. I hate fur. I hate the smell. It's more money. And there are other issues at hand. BUT it is something incredibly important to my wife, and it was time for me to take a risk and make a sacrifice for her - so we're going to be proud owners of a new feline pretty soon. And I will do everything I can to love that stupid cat. :)

Another thing I did this morning was I was feeling scared about a situation that occurred with my schooling and as usual put up a barrier the day before and acted like it wasn't worrying me at all and that it would be just fine and that I was fine. This morning I was still feeling scared, and instead of burying those feelings I decided to tell my wife that I felt scared about it even though I was pretty sure everything would be fine. 

These are little things... but important things. I know I will have a slow learning curve, sometimes I won't do as well as others. I've NEVER been good at this. I almost feel like I'm learning a completely new skill, which is weird because I feel like these things should just come natural. But it hasn't. I love my wife very much and want nothing more than to be close to her and happy with her, problem is I have been so inconsistent with that for one reason or another (pride, fear, etc) which has caused us great grief. This is what needs to happen now, and I need to include God in the process, because I think I've distanced Him over the last year as I've gotten more frustrated and depressed about my issues. So here we go...

After the wreckage

Just have a few minutes before I need to head to work. My wife and I began attending a workshop that is 2 hours each week that is kind of a group therapy for couples who have been harmed by sexual addiction. I have a lot of hope that it will be a positive experience for us both.

While we are still dealing with a lot, I feel like where we are in post-explosion. Through my addiction and the mental/emotional consequences of it, I have caused explosion after explosion in our relationship. I dropped bomb after bomb after bomb through lies, hurtful words, actions, etc.



Once I learned to be honest and got a good deal of sobriety most of the bombing stopped and we were left with the wreckage.



I had no idea the effect that my addiction was having on skewing my thoughts and beliefs about women, relationships, and myself. I've realized that I have so much mental and emotional healing to do, and that stopping acting out is really only the first step in a long journey of healing. This is a little depressing because I think of how difficult stopping acting out was and I think, man - I would think it would have had a greater impact on my happiness and peace. And while it has helped me to feel a bit more confidence and peace, it's not much.

I can imagine that the people in a city that has just been bombed are relieved that the bombing is over, but horrified at the damage it caused and feel overwhelmed by the amount of work it will take to rebuild everything.

Good news is that the bombing has stopped and we are learning how to rebuild. I am realizing the lies that I have assimilated in bad habits for much of my life and am working to unlearn them and learn truths. I'm working to simplify my life and my thoughts and not to freak out over every little thing. I'm learning to appreciate my wife for who she is and realize the true precious gem I have in her. I'm learning to not objectify women around me and to look at everyone as a person, a daughter, sister, wife, mother, etc. I'm learning to be open. I'm learning to be there emotionally for my wife. Looking forward to our beautiful city.

Climbing the integrity ladder

I've been reading some man blogs recently that have been a good additional resource in my recovery. One today that I particularly liked was on the "art of manliness" blog, here.  It talks about integrity, and particularly how men compromise their integrity through small decisions. Here are a few points I really liked and found to be particularly true from an addiction standpoint. 

1. Compromising our integrity begins with the small things. Just like the businessman that steals millions through fudging numbers, our addictive behaviors start by fudging a cent here and a cent there. A huge part of recovery for me has been recognizing where I fudge those cents and then fixing them immediately instead of justifying them as only a few cents. 

I like this analogy he shares from a book:
"two college students who find themselves struggling on an exam that will determine whether or not they get into graduate school. They are 'identical in terms of attitudes, abilities, and psychological health,' and are “reasonably honest and have the same middling attitude towards cheating.” Both students are presented with the chance to see another student’s answers and both struggle with the temptation. But one decides to cheat and the other does not. 'Each gain something important, but at a cost; one gives up integrity for a good grade, the other gives up a good grade to preserve his integrity.'

When you make a mistake or a choice that’s out of line with your values, a gap opens up between your actual behavior and your self-image as a good, honest, competent person. Because of this gap, you experience cognitive dissonance – a kind of mental anxiety or discomfort. Since humans don’t like this feeling of discomfort, our brains quickly work to bridge the divide between how we acted and our positive self-image by explaining away the behavior as really not so bad after all.

Thus the student who decided to cheat will soothe his conscience by telling himself things like, “Idid know the answer, I just couldn’t think of it at the time,” or “Most of the other students cheated too,” or “The test wasn’t fair in the first place – the professor never said that subject was going to be covered.” He’ll find ways to frame his decision as no big deal.

The student who didn’t cheat, while he won’t experience the same kind of cognitive dissonance as his peer, will still wonder if he made the right choice, especially if he doesn’t get a good grade on the exam. Feeling uncertain about a decision can cause some dissonance too, so this student will also seek to buttress the confidence he feels in his choice by reflecting on the wrongness of cheating and how good it feels to have a clear conscience.

As each student reflects on and justifies his choice, his attitude about cheating and his self-perception will subtly change. The student who cheated will loosen his stance about when cheating is okay, and feel that there’s nothing wrong with being the kind of person who does it a little for a good reason; his ability to rationalize dishonest choices will go up and so will his fudge factor margin. The student who maintained his integrity will feel more strongly than before that cheating is never acceptable, and his ability to rationalize dishonesty will go down, along with his personal fudge factor margin as well. To further decrease the ambiguity and increase the certainty each student feels about their divergent decisions, they will then each make more choices in line with these new stances."

Like each of the students, each of us decides to "cheat" for one reason or another. The little cheats are the road to relapse. They lead us down the path of less integrity while decisions not to cheat lead us down the path of more integrity.

Similarly, he describes a phenomenon all too familiar to addicts that they call the "what the hell" effect. This happens when we get to a point of acting out and say, "well... I've already acted out, might as well go all they way. I've already lost." Instead of step by step falling down the slope, we take a direct turn and fall off the cliff. What a lie! Well... I accidentally had a little bit of chocolate so I might as well eat the whole cake! I missed one question so I might as well screw up the whole test! I didn't exercise today so I guess I should just never exercise again! 

2. Integrity can be rebuilt. Just as making poor decisions hurts our integrity, making good decisions builds it back up. As weak and poor as our integrity is at the beginning, we can make those difficult decisions early on. We can choose the difficult choice with the greater immediate consequence but much less severe long-term consequence. We can keep the rules we've set. We can pray in a time of trouble. We can come clean immediately after acting out. We can be accountable. We can not justify the little "cheats" that inevitably lead to acting out. 

I've seen this as I have sought recovery. It's been a long, hard road (and still is), but I believe I have regained a certain measure of integrity that I haven't had in years. Maybe ever. I now find myself being almost hyperactive to even the smallest dishonest decision. Because I know, if I am dishonest in one thing, I can easily become dishonest in all things. My conscience has become hyperactive, and I'm still learning to control it, but it's much better than the hypoactive state is has been in for years. 

Anyway, I think he summarizes my favorite parts in this paragraph: 

Once you commit one dishonest act, your moral standards loosen, your self-perception as an honest person gets a little hazier, your ability to rationalize goes up, and your fudge factor margin increases. Where you draw the line between ethical and unethical, honest and dishonest, moves outward. From his research, Ariely has found that committing a dishonest act in one area of your life not only leads to more dishonesty in that one area, but ends up corrupting other areas of your life as well. “A single act of dishonesty,” he argues, “can change a person’s behavior from that point onward.”

If we are to recover, we must become honest in ALL areas of life... not just with addiction. Any lie or dishonesty that we let slide is toxic to our integrity. Two times while assisting surgery I have accidentally touched something not sterile, which means I have to ungown and re-scrub in, and most attendings will tell you not to bother. I wanted to stay because maybe I'd get to help with the surgery. I thought of lots of rationalizations, but in the end determined that I would not touch a patient while not sterile. I'm sad that it was a struggle, but happy to report that I kept that decision. I need to do better though so that it gets to the point where it's not even a struggle. A little while ago I littered in a parking lot and didn't do anything about it. I went back and filled a grocery bag full of garbage later to make up for it. My wife and I found an extra $20 groupon to a restaurant because they didn't redeem our last one - but we're not going to use it. The same can be said for our rules of not surfing the web, only doing the essential things online while my wife is not home, never using computer after wife goes to sleep, and other rules. Call me crazy, but this is the type of person I need to be if I am going to regain my integrity. 

I pray God continues to bless me as I seek to rebuild the integrity that I have lost in lies and addiction. The beauty is that it is possible - I know that because I've taken the first few steps on that long journey. It's getting easier. I still struggle and have a ways to go, but I am committed to continuing on this path for the rest of my life until it becomes a deep and inseparable part of me. 

My syndrome

Sobriety is going well still. Nothing even close to an issue in a long while. Like I mentioned previously, the main struggle now becomes dealing with my skewed view of relationships and sexuality. Those views have taken a great toll on my relationship with my wife and on her personally in many ways. I don't have time to really go into things 100% now, but the gist of it is that I very much fell victim to "the centerfold syndrome," as one author calls it.

It's a book about male sexuality and how messed up it has become due to various societal and environmental pressures and tendencies. I don't love the book all the way through - it's got a lot of parts I wouldn't have included and some parts that I straight up skipped (because it includes direct dialogue from a men's group he was helping sort through these issues), but the overall message is something I needed.

The overall message is that a great number of men are suffering from this syndrome, comprised of 5 things:

1. Voyeurism — an obsession with visual stimulation that trivializes all other features of a healthy relationship.
2. Objectification of women — an obsessive focus on body parts and the rating of women by size and shape.
3. Sex for masculinity validation — having one’s manliness and self-worth tied up in one’s sexual prowess.
4. Trophyism — treating women as collectibles and property.
5. Fear of intimacy — Fear of a real relationship and what risks and requirements are involved with having a relationship with a real woman instead of a fake one. 

If you're like me, then as you read through this list you were like, "yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah... and yeah." This was me to a T. The word 'obsessive' is particularly accurate. It's natural to notice beauty in others. Who doesn't? The problem is I and other men that suffer from this syndrome have been taking it to a higher level. 

I read the book once and plan on going back through the 'how to' section again and really apply it... but just reading through it has really helped me. The thing that has been the hardest for me in this realm is actually just realizing that these views are WRONG. They're crazy. They are anti-truth. They are, like a porn addiction, complete insanity.  However, because I validated and believed nothing was wrong with these beliefs for so many years, I have been giving weight to them and taking them into rational consideration. I never realized the level that I had objectified women to. 

Anyway, I read through the book and have been doing my best to catch myself when my thoughts go down those paths. I try to catch myself when I start thinking about these things, because the big problems happen when I give weight to them and believe them. 

Anyway, I've been really trying to do that recently and have been met with a decent amount of success! I'm a bit more able to look at women as real people (that sounds horrible, but it's kind of where I am). I have been able to talk myself through difficult situations. I have been able to see and appreciate my wife for who she really is, appreciate the qualities she possesses, and feel great love for her and hope for our future. That's been the biggest reward so far for sure. Got a waaaays go to, but now I know a big enemy, how it attacks me, and how to deal with it. 

Anyway, still learning about these things and it's still early, but it's been nice to make a little progress. Confidence is still a huge issue for me. I've messed up so many times in the past and done things wrong so many times that I have lost all trust and confidence in myself. I'm gaining it back. I'm learning that God has and will help me. It's hard sometimes. I just hope that we can finally start to move on. It seems that once we untie one knot there lies one just as big underneath it, or knots we thought we untied are still tied. I feel a lot of hope though. It actually finally feels doable.  

Just keep swimming

Yeah I'm still here.

A lot has happened since May or June or whenever I stopped writing, but at the same time not a whole lot has happened. My counselor suggested my wife and I start journaling, and I'll probably use this as part of my journal but will keep a separate one for other things. Just a way to get feelings thought through and out.

I'll write more later but as far as an update on me goes:

1) I'm still sober. Coming up on a honest to goodness year and a half here pretty soon. I've been honest, not sought out anything online or anywhere, and have sought to control my thoughts and not dwell on the impure. This is the big positive note of my current life among the many negatives.

2) The question became, what now? Obviously I'm not out of the woods with addiction, it's a life-long battle. But now that it's not a huge daily struggle to stay sober each day, what do I do? And why didn't my life all of a sudden magically get better when I stopped acting out? Why are my wife and I still struggling so much? Why was I still the same person in many ways? Anyway, I have a lot to work on and think through, and hopefully this can be a way of helping me remember and organize my thoughts and goals, and a way to assess my progress.

I'm off to work. Hi Ho.

Seeing Progress

Sometimes it's hard to see the progress while we're recovering, particularly when sobriety seemed so elusive, but it's important to realize that all efforts have results. Recovery and weight lifting have a lot of parallels. I don't weight lift... which anyone who knows me will attest to... but I took a weight lifting class once in high school and once in college and had the experience.

Anyway, a way to classify exercising is as isotonic or isometric. Isotonic is where the weight remains the same and the joint angle or muscle length changes (what we typically think of when lifting weights). Isometric on the other hand is keeping the muscle length and joint angle constant during contraction (like pushing against a wall).

BOTH are ways of exercise and result in growth. Addiction sometimes felt like I was pushing against a wall - ever pushing without seeing results. But just as isometric contraction brings muscle strength, I feel like any pushing we do strengthens mind, will, faith, and ability to abstain. It's easy to get frustrated though and say "BUT THE WALL HASN'T MOVED!" and to give up or think you're a lost cause or it just isn't possible or worth it. But it is. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. :)

I also think it's really important that we don't get unifaceted in our pushing. I think at different times I've been prone to put too much emphasis on my own efforts, too much on God without doing what was necessary of me, just "white-knuckling" through it by just using my will power, or only using mind power to control my thoughts. Anyway... that wasn't a pretty way of saying it but it's kind of what's going through my head. The point is, only when we stop pushing to we get weak. Any eventually if we learn the right ways to push and keep pushing, our strength will be enough to push back the adversary.

As I distance myself from the person I was, I find it important to celebrate milestones - they just kind of get me excited and give me hope... earlier in recovery getting to the two week was an absolute miracle. For years I couldn't ever get that. But now my pushing has been having some great results, and I'm so so grateful for that.

I know I still have a really long way to go. I still have a lot of left-over problems from practicing an addiction for years and have a lot to learn before I find wholeness and am healthily able to deal with life.... but sometimes it's nice to stop and take a look at the blessings I've received.

So, happy 500 days of sobriety, Nate. And happy 3 years of consistently attending group. Keep your nose to the grindstone till the grindstone wears down.

What does it mean to live in recovery?

The other day I was on a recovery website and the question was asked:

"When can one say that they are in recovery?"

If there is a direct 1-line answer to that question, I haven't thought of it. I'm sure one of you has... but I haven't. All I could think of are reasons why I feel I am currently living in recovery. I hope that one day I'll be able to say I am 'recovered'... but I am more inclined to believe that I will simply continue to make choices that allow me to live in recovery, and maybe one day far in the future my heart will be like those of the Lamanites and be completely changed without me realizing it (3 Ne 9:20). Anyway, an interesting topic. I pasted my response to the question below. 

"Hey buddy, great question. Like you said, being in recovery doesn't mean that you are recovered. It means that you are committed to a new way of life in recovery from addiction through Christ. And your wife is very correct - sobriety doesn't equal recovery. Your strength of recovery will only be as strong as your relationship with Christ and degree of humility.

I feel that I am currently living in recovery for a few reasons. I'm not saying this is the answer to your question, just a few thoughts that I have on the matter.

1) I no longer lie or seek to hide my addiction. I am transparent with my spouse and am not hiding anything. I am open with her about my struggles and am not afraid to have the hard conversations.

2) I have found the way of life where I know that if I do what I should be doing then I will not slip up. I'm not afraid of randomly relapsing - I know that there will need to be a certain number of poor decisions that will lead up to it. I am committed to this new life and do not see 'getting past addiction' as a U-turn or something to get past and then go back to my old way of life. I seek God's will and do what i can to follow it.

3) I no longer dabble. I don't try to go to a certain line and then go back. I don't mess with limits. I don't justify lesser forms of acting out.

4) I no longer think "I've got this." I know I don't got this. The moment I think I've got this is the moment I'm in danger. I have accepted that I'm powerless over this without God. I need Him to help me maintain my new way of life.

Anyway, those are things that help me feel I am in recovery. Like you said, it's a lifelong thing and I am always just a few stupid decisions away from not being in recovery, but you get the point. I pray I can stay in recovery and continue on the road I am on."

Anyway, I was just curious what everyone else thought about being in recovery and what it means and when you feel like you are living in recovery. And it's difference from saying that you are "recovered." I'm sure there are things that I am missing that I could learn from your experiences that I could then apply to my own recovery repertoire. 

Two weeks down

So it's been a long two weeks without the wife. She's visiting her family while I study all day every day preparing for the boards (or at least try to and feel guilty when I don't), which I take in 9 days... ugh... On that note I took a practice test today that estimates your score. I took a similar one about 3.5 weeks ago. And the non-stop studying, reading, cramming for the last 3.5 weeks got me an increase of 2 points between the two tests. Yahoo. I figure I'm just learning things as fast as I'm forgetting things... but hey, I'm doing my best.

Sobriety is still going great. There have been a couple days when temptations were harder, but overall I haven't been tempted that greatly to act out. Most of the time I think it was a mistake to send my wife up with her family because I wish she was her so much - it's really boring, lonely, and monotonous without her. I think I really take for granted the constant support that I feel from her. And you can't beat her food.

While it really stinks not having her here, the silver lining is that I have this time to refine myself. I have this unique period of trial where it's just me and my computer and books all day with nothing else on the agenda for the most part. This is a huge opportunity for growth and practice making the right decisions in tough situations, I really feel like when hard times come in the future I'll be able to look back at this time and draw strength. It's also given me a lot of time to ponder and reflect on my life and myself and to focus on some of my key weaknesses with my counselor.

Things I am currently doing to stay in sobriety:
I attend LDS 12-step meetings weekly. Just hit my 3 year mark of attending meetings. Crazy.
I have a daily personal study.
If I have harder temptations I get on my knees and surrender them to God and seek His will.
I have a nightly followup with my wife where I tell her about my day.
I try to control my thoughts and recognize when they are out of sync with spiritual things.
I am keen to realize and reject little lies and justifications that satan tries to get me to do.

One thing I could do better is surrendering my negative thoughts and feelings to God. My diligence in this goes up and down with this, and it's down currently. I need to remember how important it is to seek God's help and peace as I struggle with my personal weaknesses and with my negative thoughts and feelings. I'll try that for the next little while.

Aside from all that I feel ok. I'm certainly stressed and burned out. I feel it constantly. I'm emotionally and mentally drained. I don't feel like eating hardly ever. BUT I'm pushing through. I'm trying to do things I enjoy and seek out God for peace. And I bought myself a half gallon of chocolate milk which I secretly love, so life is certainly looking up. :) I've known this would be a rough month since I started med school 2 years ago, and now that it's here I'm not surprised - just gotta push through it and continue in diligence. Giddy up.

The future looks bright. And a little blight.

I read an article the other day that announced that Google was banning porn and got excited. I was like, sweet! Good for them! One small step in the battle by a huge company stepping up and showing some guts. Then I clicked on it and realized it said, Google Glass was banning porn. I skipped "glass" the first time because I had no idea what that could mean.

If you haven't heard about it, google glass is basically google glasses and look like this:



In essence it turns you in to a cyborg. It's a computer you where on your head. It has a built in toggle you can touch and move a cursor around the screen it has in front of your eye, but you rarely need it. It runs a variety of free apps made for it as well as all the classic email/social network sites.

It obeys all voice commands - you can tell it to take pictures, record, give you directions to the nearest walmart, tell you how far it is from your house to the moon and how to say smorgasbord in Finnish. It has built in gyroscopes that measure speed, acceleration, angular velocity, and could probably measure the amount of vomit you throw up after wearing it for too long.

Available to the public? Not yet. They're testing it with some people that applied to test it I believe. And people are still working out surveillance and privacy issues that would obviously come from having a live camera on you ALL the time.

Isn't it incredible that it isn't even available to the public yet and already people are like, "let's make a porn app for it! MONEY!!!" An even more secret, silent way to watch porn whenever you want and not have anyone know. Scary. Good thing they banned it.

At first I think, kudos to google for banning the apps after they were out. Then I think, "Yeah. Like that's going to work." I'm sure although the early apps will be down soon, they will be back up modified to fit the rules, or just secretly up and google will just let it slip by in a short matter of time.

ANYWAY, my point is I know that every generation says to the younger "you guys have temptations that we didn't even have to think about." I know I'll be saying that when I'm 60, of maybe even 40. Where's it gonna be?

I have a feeling it'll be along these lines. Each ubiquitously accepted invention that comes around seems to make our lives increasingly intertwined with technology. Accepted inventions inevitably become need in a short amount of time. Cars. TVs. Old cell phones. Computers. The internet. New cell phones with built in TV, computers, internet, and cars* (*coming soon), Ipad/pod/touch/phone, etc. Most people can't imagine leaving home without these things, or getting home without seeing this or that, or going a day without checking this or that.

My projection is that the future will bring a lot of great things, but will also bring lives more intertwined with technology that ever before. Instead of being a hand-held device with all we need, it will be something we wear. Whether it's a glasses like google glass, a soft lens contact, a fancy arm computer like in the movies, or something that is just implanted in our brains I really don't know. (How weird would that be to have a hard drive attached to someones memory that enabled one to remember everything they've ever seen, heard, or done? Sorry, random thought.) Either way, if the future followed the trend of the past and I'd bet that it will (if I were a betting man :)...), the newest, most convenient ways of technology are going to come, become necessities, and bring with them new and diverse challenges and temptations that my generation hasn't "even had to think about" yet.

What on EARTH did people do 50 years ago without these things???

EVERY generation says this. The moral fabric of society dwindles. New things come in to distract us from what really matters. And as things get more convenient in society, they get more difficult for the diligent seeker of truth and good.

What are we gonna do about it? What all parents and grandparents should do - sit here with my flip phone and 3X5 card for the rest of my life and curse all new technology and the devils that brought it. I wish. :) OR... we could just be aware and be careful.

Be aware and updated on what's going on and what temptations the young people are facing. The apostles often talk about twitter and facebook and we laugh at them a little when they do, but it shows they are aware. ("Silly Elder Ballard, you don't have a facebook account - facebook is for kids! Just like trix.")

Be aware about how these things might produce new challenges for us personally and make life adjustments and preparations as necessary. Be aware of the good and evil that inherently come from each new invention/update and make efforts to apply the good and avoid the evil.

Be careful not to let our lives become too intertwined with these new things such that they detract from our ability to have meaningful relationships with God and with others. Life is about relationships, it's really the only thing we take with us.

This was more for me than for anything. Every once in a while I get in doomsday mode and have to run in a cold sweat and check my food storage. I just need to calm down and remember to go forward in life with careful but deliberate pace and to take things as they come in that mindset and things will be just fine.

In many ways, the future is very bright. It is bright for my family and me. It is bright for those that are striving to follow Christ's teachings.

But in other ways, it's also very blight. And yes I do mean a rapid and complete chlorosis, browning, and death of plant tissues due to an infection (thanks wikipedia).

Daaaay fiiive and aaalllls wayeeelllll

The title would make more sense if you've seen the old Disney Robin Hood movie... but even that might not be enough - you'd probably have to have come from a house obsessed with Disney movies as mine was. I swear sometimes we'd go for days without saying anything from our own minds, just quoting Disney... or at least I'm sure we could have. Maybe this guy ring's a bell? Nutsy - what a brilliant character.

Anyway, just wanted to do a quick update. I'm on day 5 of being a lone wolf down here - my wife is up with her family while I study for the medical boards. Only 19 more to go.

So far temptations have not been that difficult - hardly at all. I have a feeling they will get harder. Satan is probably just waiting for me to let my guard down... which I guess is always the case. If I never let my guard down then attacking me doesn't do much good at all, right? I suppose that's the ongoing battle.

It's kind of been the perfect storm, or what would have been the perfect storm in the past: by myself all day with my computer, alone (most of the time) in my house under a lot of stress. And to top it off I'm in pain from a recent procedure I had done and just had a nasty 24 hour bug that kept me from getting much sleep.

But even in the midst of all this stuff, temptations haven't been a big issue. I am so grateful for that. I am also grateful for the knowledge that I know I can be ok for the next 19 days as long as I don't make any poor decisions to let my guard down. I know God can and will support my efforts as I continue to stay on the road He helped me find. For me there's no such thing as a relapse 'out of nowhere,' anymore. There would need to be a looong list of poor decisions and justifications that I will recognize early as long as I do what I should be doing.

Anyway, that's really about it. I'll throw in a few more updates over the next few weeks I'm sure. It helps me evaluate where I'm at when I sit and type about it.

And you thought I was gonna have some sweet recovery analogy having to do with Nutsy. I wish. Maybe next week.

Lone wolf

Well, here I am at another important time in my life. The next month has the potential for great good and also great sorrow. My wife went to be with her family for the next 3 weeks while I study for my medical boards. some of my other buddies are sending their wives/kids up to be with their parents so we can focus. Whether or not it was necessary I won't say - I probably could have managed fine with her down here, and I could use her love and support her presence brings as I go through this rather stressful time. Also let's be honest, I can't study for 12 hours a day... it just would not be effective. My brain would turn to oatmeal...

But I'm past wondering if she needed to go or not and now I'm focusing on the good that can come from it.

Good #1: This gives me an opportunity to choose to do the right thing over an extended period of time with her not here. This is an opportunity for growth - growth that I would not be able to attain otherwise had she not been here. While we were engaged and dating long distance I did some things and justified hiding them from her. I can't change that that happened, but I can do it differently this time. I can pass the real test this time. In all reality, medical boards are nothing compared to the test of faithfulness.

Good #2: I tend to take things for granted and to be somewhat pessimistic and critical by nature. I do not enjoy that I am and I try so hard not to be. Either way, not having my wife around will (has a little already) help me really appreciate all the things she does for me, how much our love and marriage means to me, and how meaningful she makes my life. Sometimes I get caught up in little things and lose sight of the big picture. A little distance can put things in perspective sometimes.

Good #3: This will give me some time to focus on healing. Our counselor encouraged us both to engage ourselves in endeavors that we enjoy and to experience personal growth instead of just sitting and worrying about whether something bad will happen. Profound. I'm going to try and exercise more, socialize more, and just do things that will help me to feel better about myself. I feel like so many of my problems stem from my lack of self-esteem and that we would gain a lot from my improving there.

Those are the thoughts I have today. As always I am limiting my internet surfing time to what is necessary or directed toward a specific goal and that's it. I have my usual filter and accountability software that my wife will get weekly emails about. We talk at least nightly and I will be honest as I tell her about my day. And I'm doing my best to limit my alone time by studying with my friends and findings things to do out of the house with others. I'm also not using my computer at night and trying to go to sleep early and wake up early. Those are a few things. Oh, and the support group at least once a week and individual counseling sessions.

Anyway, I have a lot in my arsenal, but I still feel the most important thing will be to stay consistent with steps 1-3. Remember that I cannot do this on my own and will fall if I rely on myself, have faith that God can heal me and help me through temptations and trials, and then seek and follow his will. Or as I have heard it said a few times before, "I can't. God can. I will let Him."

Maybe I'll go out and howl at the moon a few times too just for kicks. Couldn't hurt.