Send some prayers our way

Don't want to go into all the details, but my wife and I had an extremely rough weekend and are trying to figure out if we will be able to have things work out - or if we are just destined to be miserable together because of my past choices regardless of how things are going now. 

I just need some extra strength to make it through today, and I'm sure she could use it too. So if you all could send some prayers our way we'd appreciate it. Thanks for all the support. 

Keep your nose to the grindstone

My grandpa has a lot of sayings - the men on my Dad's side of the family are kind of famous for them. But I think one of them will stand out above all others when I look back. He lead an amazing life that I won't go into the details of, but know that he is one of my life heroes. He and grandma have been married 60 years plus or minus. He's a Harvard grad and a war vet, and had an incredibly successful career. A few years ago, grandpa was diagnosed with Alzheimer's.

If you're familiar with Alzheimer's, you know that basically the brain just atrophies slowly but surely over 5-10 years until you don't know anyone around you, are unable to take care of yourself completely, and end up dying of pneumonia, infection, or something else.

My grandpa was always a rock. He was brilliant. He was always healthy. He always had the answers. He always kept his cool. There was always a solution, always a way. I'd never seen him doubt or worry about anything. But that was before he was faced with an illness that has no answer - no solution - no way to overcome.

Not long after the diagnosis, I talked with him a bit about it. He spoke more candidly than ever before with me and said a few things that I'll always remember.

The first one came as he kind of looked off in the distance and said, "Nate...I've gone 80 years of my life without so much as a ripple... Everyone spends their time in the barrel," and that he guessed this was his time. Later he said, "keep your nose to the grindstone till the grindstone wears down."


Grandpa can't finish most of his sentences any more. He can't finish a thought. He can't convey his feelings. He can't remember what the name of the thing that heats up food is, or most of the names of his children or grandchildren until we say them or he looks them up on the 3x5 card in his pocket. He can't drive anymore. He does remember I'm in medical school usually, and can still tell me that "that's a great opportunity," and that "we've been pretty lucky." I'm sure he remembers grandma every day when he sees her - and he even remembered a few trips we've been on when I talked to him last. But he's trying to stay strong and stay positive.

His health is deteriorating quickly. I saw him a few weeks ago and won't see him again till Christmas. As I hugged him goodbye this most recent time, he told me in an emotional voice that was novel to me, "you take care of yourself" and gave me a hug that was anything but a "see you next time" hug. His arms were shaking, his head was on my shoulder, and it felt like he needed me. Or just needed someone to lean on for a brief moment. His nose must be pretty sore by now.


I guess typing it down has made me realize that he didn't say anything that profound during that one conversation. But to me it was, because I'm in the barrel - but I'm in one because I went in on my own. Other barrels may come my way - I'm sure they will. Health problems, work problems, wayward children... who knows. But they'll come. Those I can't do anything about, but I AM going to do everything possible to not jump in any more on my own. And I'm going to learn and apply everything I possibly can from this trial I'm in now so that whatever barrel I find myself in, I'll be able to face it calmly and confidently with my family and God.

I'm keeping my nose to the grindstone, Grandpa. Hang in there and finish strong. You're grindstone will be worn down soon.

Lesson 4: my real problem

Lesson 4: Acting out sexually is not my real problem.

If you said this to me a few ago, I would have thought you'd eaten paint chips as a child. But that's the truth, whether or not people know it. I used to think to myself over and over and over again, "If I can just stop acting out, then everything in life would be fine." or "If I can just stop this ONE problem, then..." etc etc.

I wish someone would have told me this years ago - that down beneath my addiction were character weaknesses and tendencies that led to it... that my addiction was not the issue itself, but a manifestation of deeper issues. Addiction is simply the fruit of the tree that I have chosen to nourish. It's a bad tree. It's ugly. It's still pretty big (it takes a while for trees to die).

I chose to nourish it because I was dealing with or escaping various things in my life that I had NO idea were there or that they were connected with my issue. Anyone seen Hercules? I'm a Disney nut thanks to my family, but addiction reminds me of the hydra. Earlier when I was working toward recovery, all I could see was those gross, ugly, hydra heads and I thought "KILL!" So I would proceed to frantically chop at the heads of the hydra one after another, and there just seemed to be more and more of them as my addiction got worse and worse despite my efforts.

I just wish I had a little satyr to tell me: "WILL YOU FORGET THE HEAD-SLICING THING?!"

Luckily I had a sponsor tell me a little later. He helped me to prayerfully work steps 4 and 5, as well as identify the real roots of my addiction, and why I continued to nourish that big, ugly tree. Most of it was learning to deal with stress, anger, anxiety, depression, and other negative thoughts/feelings that I would experience each day. I turned to lust to fix all my problems for so long, and all that time took its toll on my character. I had gotten good at bottling my feelings up and turning to lust to "fix" each of them. I'd gotten so good at it that I had no idea that was why I did it or that they were even connected, and it seemed I would get from point A (feeling fine) to point B (acting out) in no time flat and without warning.

Anyway, if you've seen the movie, you know that Hercules almost dies trying to kill the hydra. I feel it very similar to our situation as we must basically kill the old natural man and start a completely new way of life if we are to be free from addiction. It can't be a little secret thing we "take care of" and we can go back to our lives. It takes a complete character overall if we are to emerge from the claws of this evil monster that has tormented us for so long.

I pray that I might continue to make that character overall. I pray I can continue to starve that big ugly tree so that it no longer bears fruit. I pray I can always remember that chopping heads doesn't bring lasting results and that I must go for the root/body of my addiction to continue to stay in recovery.

Victory today

Satan composed a little sneak attack on me today. While studying for a big test that I am preparing for, a really big temptation came and hit me seemingly out of nowhere. Things that I haven't thought about in a long time starting getting thrown into my mind with a lot of force and despite my early efforts to push them out, they proved rather relentless. 

I then realized that this wasn't one of those whimsical temptations that goes away if I just chose not to think about it, so I immediately put my study material away, got on my knees, and prayed. I told God what was happening and that I knew I couldn't handle it on my own. I asked what He would have me do and then listened. 

"Go for a run," was the first thought. Ok, I can do that. Then I asked what else I should do. "Your personal study," was the next thought. Then I remembered that I because I woke up really early this morning to prep for my 7 am test, I hadn't done scripture study. Ok, I can do that. Then I asked if there was anything else. "Keep your ears open," was the final thought. 

So I went for a run. Then I listened to Pres. Monson's talk to the priesthood brethren. Whether those thoughts are mine or God's is irrelevant to me. I feel it's a false dichotomy that many believe that simply leads to doubt and hesitation. Either way, soon after seeking God's will and following the promptings, the temptation is all but gone, and I feel extremely grateful. 

And I'm keeping my ears open. Keep it up, Nate. 

Answer to a prayer

I was feeling particularly down last night and today because of... well, everything (seem's to be a trend every so often). I'm so depressed about the choices I've made. I feel wretched when I think of the things I've done. I feel the absolute worst when I think of what I've done to my dear wife's confidence in herself and how I've delayed some of her dreams and crushed others. It makes me think that everyone would be much better off without me. Then I start thinking negatively about everything else and I start believing that school, career, marriage, health, etc will all just turn out poorly, which makes me feel even more hopeless. And round and round we go...

I have moments like these every so often despite having over a year of sobriety. They happen. They are my low moments and I feel absolutely terrible inside. I know the answer is to rely on God, pray for comfort and guidance, and then to boldly follow what I feel to be right - but I just didn't muster the faith or will power to do that last night, so I just went to bed really early.

The next morning those feelings of sadness hadn't gone away (surprise!!!). After a few minutes of laying in bed, I pulled out my scriptures and read for a little while, and then begged God to let me know His will for me and to have some guidance as to what I can do that day to feel more hopeful and happy. I committed myself to doing whatever I felt His will was for me, no matter what it was. Then I immediately opened the scriptures to these verses:

"I, the Lord, was angry with you yesterday, but today mine anger is turned away...

And now, verily I say unto you, and what I say unto one I say unto all, be of good cheer, little children; for I am in your midst, and I have not forsaken you;

And inasmuch as you have humbled yourselves before me, the blessings of the kingdom are yours.

Gird up your loins and be watchful and be sober, looking forth for the coming of the Son of Man, for he cometh in an hour you think not.

Pray always that you enter not into temptation, that you may abide the day of his coming, whether in life or in death. Even so. Amen."

After reading this, I really felt it was God's will for me at this time. Although God was angry with me because of my decisions, He is not anymore. He has so many blessings waiting for me. I need to buckle down and stay firm in the path I have found - I must continue to pray, watch, and it even says to remain 'sober.' It was juts nice to have a reaffirmation that I'm on the right track in a time when I needed to hear it. My wife and I also fasted for hope today, which I'm sure helped a lot too. 

I wish I could've had the strength last night to seek Him out earlier. I'll try better next time. And while I didn't feel incredible after reading the scripture, I at least felt better, and it gave me strength to face the day. I truly believe that things will work out for all of us if we will but humble ourselves and seek out God's will (and do it!).

Here's to another day...

ps - I also had a good decision at church. My wife and I were randomly sitting next to one of the young men in my ward and I got the feeling to do the "I'll go up and share my testimony if you will" bit. I didn't really want to because I was nervous he's say no (I'd never seen him go up before) and I wasn't really sure what I would share. But I did anyway, and he accepted and we both had a great experience. Just trying to do the things I feel like I should. Each time I follow that little inkling I get a little bit stronger.

Digital Overload

I'm not sure when it was, but the church has beefed up their overcoming pornography site a ton and it's lots better than previous. Here's the link if you haven't been there recently: http://overcomingpornography.org/individuals?lang=eng.

I was looking around it and found a talk about making good decisions with technology and felt it really applicable, because while I'm doing quite well with recovery, I still think that I am sometimes in a state of "digital overload." No quesition, we are bombarded by stimuli in a face-paced, have-to-know-everything-right-now kind of world where any kind of knowledge, picture, music, video, TV show, etc is just a few types and clicks away. If I take a moment and think back before the days of internet, email, etc I wonder what did I used to do? I remember listening to the radio religiously trying to catch my favorite songs so I could record them on a casette tape - and I'm still in my 20s. Times sure have changed.

Anyway, here are the 10 signs of it:

10 Signs of Digital Overload

1. Slipping away from activities with people to check e-mail or social networking sites.
2. Checking the same sites repeatedly within a short period of time.
3. Spending little time outside.
4. Finding it hard to complete a task such as writing a report without frequently breaking away to check e-mail or unrelated websites.
5. Spending little time in face-to-face interactions with friends.
6. Going online or using a digital device when you feel stressed or want to avoid an unpleasant task.
7. Family members spending most of their time at home in separate rooms interacting with screens.
8. Frequently using digital devices to entertain a child instead of talking, singing, playing, or reading with him or her.
9. Checking the computer first thing in the morning, or getting up during the night to use digital devices.
10. Spending long stretches of time surfing for content, often viewing content that is inappropriate or borderline.

I'm nowhere close to where I used to be with these 10 items - seeking recovery has helped me walk a long ways out. BUT, I still feel like I do lots of these sometimes, for example:

Checking the same sites repeatedly within a short amount of time, and sometimes way too many times a day (#2) (facebook, email, blogs, espn, news, etc). I find myself checking the websites just as something to do, and it's typically in the middle of my study sessions when I feel like I need a break (#4). I spend little time outside (#3), and like to check things in the morning (#9). 

I'm doing way better with the above than before though! Much of the improvement has come from a rule

that I don't surf the web or check facebook, news, sports, or frivolous emails when I am alone. So most of those aren't even an issue when I'm by myself. That has helped a lot a lot. 

Also, I feel like I'm doing great with some of the above. #10 for example, hasn't been a part of my life for over a year. Also #6 - I feel like I had a big tendency to do it before, but have really sought to not turn to other things when I feel stressed but to turn to God and deal with them in a healthy manner. Also I'm perfect at #8, but we don't have kids so that's cheating :)

Anyway, below are some suggestions of ways to get out of "digital overload."

10 Ways to Cut Back

1. Check and answer e-mail only once or twice a day, at scheduled times.
2. Use social networking sites only at scheduled times and for a set number of minutes.
3. Practice a “digital Sabbath”—setting aside one or two days each week to “unplug.”
4. Leave your cell phone in another room during time with family or friends.
5. Call instead of texting.
6. Invite children to help search the house for supplies that can be used in nondigital activities: children’s books, board games, art supplies, and equipment for outside play.
7. Organize a talent show, art show, or service project with family or friends.
8. Use Internet-blocking software to keep on task while working.
9. Limit recreational surfing; watch TV and videos selectively and intentionally.
10. Keep a gospel-centered perspective, using technology to uplift yourself and people around you.

I just think these are fabulous. I'm curious what everyone else has done to avoid digital overload. What things have you tried that have worked? Not worked? How has it influenced you? This is something I feel will only get so much more crazy. This is a challenge we are dealing with now and will be an even more significant challenge in the future.

Perhaps I will make a goal to only check email, blogs, news, espn, fb at a certain time each day, or set a limit of once or twice a day. A digital sabbath sounds fabulous. Or maybe we can focus on doing less online and more recreational things: like exercise, read a book, play a musical instrument, just talk, play a game, cook a new recipe, go for a drive, go for a walk, go walk around a mall, play tennis, make a craft... there are just so many more fabulous things to do than waste time online.

My wife's been a great example to me recently - she set a goal to not surf much at all (and she loves the blogging and pinterest scene as much as anyone). It was hard and she wasn't perfect, but she was able to make that sacrifice and see the blessings from it. And she didn't even explode, which is sometimes how I feel if I don't check my email or something. AHHH WHAT IF I GET SOMETHING IMPORTANT???

 let's be honest, I never do. Noone really writes to me on facebook anymore. I could check it once a week and that would be more than enough. 95% of news is garbage and just for shock factor anyway. i get more than I need to know from 15 min of npr on my way to school.

BUT I do love sports... would have to be the last thing to tune down :)

I was in the airport the other day and looked around me and saw a family of 4 (clearly LDS.. not sure why that matters but I noticed), and each of them was sitting down, 100% engulfed in his/her personal electric device and completely ignoring each other. Then I looked around at everyone else, and almost everyone I saw was on a phone/ipad/computer of sorts. It's just nuts. Anyway, that's a thought I've been having and I know it's something I have improved on but still could do lots better in.

On that note, I'm getting offline :)

A cool blessing

School has been nuts recently, but I wanted to write a quick post about a blessing I got today. My wife and I were out of town visiting family over the weekend, which meant I didn't get to study much at all for my 7 am test today. I did my best last week to prepare, and spent time with family. Then on Sunday I started panicking when we got back to our house because I remembered I had the test the next morning. I thought about studying on Sunday, but decided not to because it's a goal of mine. I could have really used it.

I was really worried still though, so on Sunday night I caught my mind starting to think of things in my head that we had gone through in class. Perhaps I thought that because I wasn't actually looking at the slides or the books that it didn't count. I caught myself starting to do this a few times and focused my thoughts on more Sunday-appropriate things, and had a wonderful evening.

I woke up at 4 this morning to prepare and did whatever I could to get ready. When the time came to take the test, I felt pretty calm. I took it and ended up getting a 48/50, a 96%! One of my best scores ever. That is NOT my average, particularly in med school.

Anyway, I am just really grateful to God for helping keep my mind clear and remain calm during the exam and for helping me keep my goal (and for my wife for helping me set and keep my goal... she's a big strength to me). I also couldn't help but draw parallels between my goal to keep Sunday study-free and keeping my mind lust-free. Satan's mode of attack has often been to try to get me to think of things that are impure because he hasn't been able to get me to look at things impurely. I feel like it's that way with every sin. Thoughts inevitably become actions the more we entertain them. As a man thinketh is a really inspired writing... Anyway, I know I must do all I can to not accept or justify any form of lust so I can qualify for the spirit and make every day a lust-free day. The temptations are still there, and probably always will be - but I 100% believe they will continue to decrease in frequency and amplitude as I continue to make good choices one day, one moment at a time, because so far they certainly have.

Lesson 3 - Honesty

Lesson 3: Honesty is #1

I keep putting off writing some of these because I keep thinking I don't have enough time to write everything I want to... so I'm just going to write a little about honesty.

First of all, I've done a post on it before here. I went into lots of lies I used to believe, the truth about them, why I used to lie, and other stuff.

I just want to reiterate a few main points that I hope to always remember, and I think about frequently now.

Honesty is #1 for a few reasons: it is the first step. It is the #1 important thing in my marriage and my recovery. It would also the #1 thing to go if I were to sink back into addiction and is therefore satan's #1 area of attack on me.

I've come to find that the biggest mistake I can possibly make isn't acting out, but lying about acting out. It is the lying that enables the action and gives it the environment it needs to thrive, yet it is almost always the jerk reaction. We trick ourselves into thinking we got away with it, or that it isn't severe enough to talk about. OR worst of all (and most common of all), we hide it because we fear it would devastate our loved ones. Well, guess what? It already devastated them the moment we acted out. Not telling them only magnifies the devastation. When we do this, we don't see the natural consequences of our actions, and our brain remembers that.

I've also realized that if I'm to be honest with my addiction, I've got to be honest in ALL areas of my life. In my words with people around me, in my dealings at school, in my character, with traffic laws, with littering, and with home rules (not drinking out of the milk carton, not wearing shoes outside the no-shoes zone, checking every single lock before we go to bed at night, even if I'm sure they're locked - and I think about not doing these often!). Any short cut or deviation from the truth is a hit to my sobriety. If I say I will do something, I must do it. If I know I am supposed to do something, I just have to do it. If I do not, then I move a bit into the area where I feel I can get away with things, and lose a measure of integrity. If I'm honest in the little things, I'll be honest in the big things.

I've done SO much better with this over the last 5 months. Before that, it was really bad, and quite hard. I was an incredible liar, and I hardly knew it. My wife and I had a lot of hard nights as I learned to tell the truth. Many times, I had to go back a second time quickly on what I said, because my instinct was just to lie and I'd have to fix it. Often I'd have to back a 3rd, and even a 4th time and fix the half-lies I'd tell, and the details I'd lie about. I even had an experience the other day where I had not told my wife the truth about a certain thing, and upon realizing it went and told her of my error. I instinctively told her something wrong about when I realized I had lied because it sounded better. I realized that I did this, so a few minutes later I told her I did not tell her the right time when I realized I had lied. It seems so silly and ridiculous. Anyway, we went through that routine so many times I honestly feel sick when I have something that I feel I need to tell my wife and haven't yet. I can't not do it.

I have committed to myself that I will tell my wife (and bishop, if necessary) any time I make a decision that leads me anywhere near that direction. Not just when I act out, but when I make ANY decision contrary to recovery. We have nightly follow ups at night where I tell her if I made any poor decisions that day. Often I didn't. Sometimes I report that temptations were pretty high at a certain time and what I did to fight them. Sometimes I talk about bad decisions I made while driving.

Today, I have done well - except for a time when I dropped a napkin outside my car in a parking lot because I was getting ready to take lunch for my wife. I was going to pick it up, but it had blown out of my site. I felt maybe I should get out of my car and try to find it, but didn't. I probably should have. I guess I'll go there now and pick up some trash to make up for it. And tell my wife about it tonight.

Letter from Peter

This is pretty long... but I just gave a talk in sacrament meeting and thought if you've got 15 min it might be worth your read. I relate a lot with Peter, and gain a lot of hope from his story as he turns out ok despite having his doubts and weaknesses after all he'd been through. So I wrote a letter as if it were from Peter to me about his experiences with Christ. Here it is!

Dear Brother Nate. Thanks for the letter! It's been a while since anyone has written me. I'd be glad to tell you a little about my experiences with Christ.

I’m a simple man. I run a small business with my brother and a few of our friends – we’re fisherman. Not my dream job, but it pays the bills. I live in Bethaisda and have for a long time. Times are hard, and I’m grateful to have enough to provide for my wife and have somewhere to live. My wife and I live with my mother-in-law and my brother, Andrew.

You should know that my name wasn’t actually always Peter, originally it was Simon. My brother, Andrew, was quite a spiritual man. Always was. He particularly liked to listen to a prophet named John. One day after listening to John speak, Andrew came home in a hurry and looked excited. In between his smiles and his quick breaths, he finally got out that they had found the Messiah, the Christ, and he had actually seen Him.

He dragged me through the streets of Bethaisda to an area on other side of town. As we approached the area, I saw Him. My brother took me to Him so I could meet Him. My mind was racing with all sorts of things to say, but all I could do was look and wonder. Then he said to me, “Thou art Simon the son of Jona: thou shalt be called Cephas, a stone.” How did he know my name? And why did he give me a different one? And why did it mean rock? Did he find me dull? I’d come to find out later.

As we walked away, part of me wondered if it was just some trick. But another part of me, a much deeper and intimate part of me, yearned to believe that the sayings were true: that this was really the Christ.

Thoughts of the Messiah filled my mind constantly over the next few days, but I soon found myself back in the routine. Wake up, fish, go home, sleep. Then one morning, He came to us as we were preparing the nets to go out for another day, and said something that I can still hear to this day in a calm, but convicted voice: “follow me, and I will make you fishers of men.” Before we knew it, each of us had dropped the nets and went to Him. We didn’t know how everything would work – it didn’t matter. I didn’t even understand what he meant at the time. But something inside us told us that this was the right thing to do.

My mother in law would probably tell you a different story. She probably thought Andrew and I were crazy for dropping everything and following some man we had only just met. But if she could just see Him, or hear Him, I know her mind would change instantly.

That time would come not too much later when Jesus came with us to my house. My mother-in-law was very sick with a fever. When we arrived, she laid in bed looking as if death was knocking at the door. Then, Jesus silently approached her and simply touched her hand. At that moment, it seemed that some sort of power flowed out of him to her, because she got right out of bed and the fever immediately left her. Then she looked at him with eyes that were to say, “truly, this is the Son of God.”

I came to know those eyes very well – because from the time we left those nets on the shore, we saw Christ do nothing but help others. They were the eyes of the leper, the eyes of the lame, the eyes of those thousands fed by a mere five loaves and two fishes, the eyes of the sick and the sinner, and yes, even the eyes of the blind. Everything he did was out of concern for the souls of his brothers and sisters, and he truly had the power of God with Him. 

I have never seen someone so powerful, yet so humble. He took no glory for himself. He wanted no praise. He simply wanted people to have faith, and believe in Him and His Father. One day while in the synagogue, we overheard a man speaking of his 12-year old daughter who was dead. While others tried to throw the man out, Christ simply looked at him and said, “be not afraid, only believe.” He then took James, John, and myself to the man’s house and saw the people mourning for the loss of this poor, little girl.

Many that were there laughed and mocked him when he told them she was simply sleeping. And they were sent out, which was a great shame, because those that believed would witness one of the greatest miracles of all as he took the lifeless child by the hand and said, “damsel, I say unto thee, arise.” And she arose. Even though we knew he could do this, we were still moved to the very core when it actually happened. After working this great miracle, he simply sent for someone to get the child some food, and told us all we were not to tell this to anyone. I guess we didn’t really follow that guidance, but I think he’ll forgive us. I will never forget the joy and tears in those parents’ eyes, nor the sweet innocence and new life in that child’s eyes who had been healed by the Great Physician. Those are eyes I never thought I’d see opened. 

Despite all this, there was one point when many of his followers began to have eyes of doubt. After a particularly large number left Him, Christ asked us, “Will ye also go away?” Before I could think, I said “Lord, to whom shall we go? Thou hast the words of eternal life, and we believe and are sure that thou art that Christ, the Son of the living God.”

(skip if no time) Jesus was also a master teacher. It seemed He could gaze directly into the mind and heart of all those around Him. He knew what they were seeking. He knew if they had true intent or if there was hidden malice in their hearts. I was constantly amazed at the parables that he would use. We heard him talk of the sower, the wheat and the tares, the mustard seed, the treasure hidden in the field, the 10 virgins, the lost sheep, the prodigal son, and many others.

 We were amazed at the amount of people that understood, but even more astounded by those who did not understand – and yet seemed to be the most educated. I wondered why Christ didn’t say things simply for all to understand. He told me, “because it is given unto you to know the mysteries of the kingdom of heaven, but to them it is not given. …Therefore speak I to them in parables: because they seeing see not; and hearing they hear not, neither do they understand.” It seems that some eyes just refuse to be opened.

Christ also always encouraged those around Him to believe, and to have faith. He gave hope when the world said there was none. He encouraged the downtrodden to look up. He made the impossible seem possible. One night, we were in the midst of a horrible storm while Christ was off in the mountains praying. He seemed to do that a lot. Late in the night, we saw a figure walking toward us that looked like a ghost, and we cried out in fear. But then we heard His voice, laughingly say, “be of good cheer; it is I; be not afraid.” I had to be sure. And so I asked him, “Lord if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water.” “Come” was the reply. I mustered all the faith I could possibly find, focused my eyes on the Lord, and walked forward as if only solid ground. With each step my confidence grew, I felt I could have flown.

Then in a moment, a large gust of wind hit me, and I looked down, and began to fear. What if I were to fall in, and drown? As this thought entered my mind I had already begun to sink. I reached out to the Lord and he gasped my hand just as I was sinking in. I looked up at his face to hear him say, “O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?” He said it as if he were talking to a child who feared the sun would not rise the next morning. Back on the ship I reviewed this phrase over and over again in my head. How could I be of little faith? Have I not seen such great miracles? Had I not walked a least a few steps on water? How could I have doubted? 

On another occasion, Christ asked us who people said he was. “Elias” one of us said. “John the baptist” said another. Jeremias! And many other prophets were said. Then Christ asked, “But whom say he that I am?” there was a bit of silence among us before I came out and said, “Thou art the Christ, the Son of the living God.” Christ replied to me, “blessed art thou simon bar-jona; for flesh and blood hath not revealed it unto thee, but my Father which is in heaven… thou art peter, and upon this rock I will build my church; and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it.” Soon after, I was given keys of the kingdom upon the mount of transfiguration, where James, John, and I beheld Christ, Moses, and Elias, and even heard the voice of the Father bearing record of the son.

Now, surely, I felt my faith would be unshaken. But then came that supper that I would later find out would be our last with our Lord, and the longest night of our lives. He administered the sacrament to us and we sang one of our favorite hymns before retiring to the mount of Olives. Here he told us something that we didn’t like to hear. “All ye shall be offended because of me this night.”

We looked at each other in awe. Surely he did not mean us! I didn’t know why, but he looked a little worried tonight. Something was weighing on his soul. I tried to comfort him and smiled and said, “Though all men shall be offended because of thee, yet will I never be offended!” Then He looked at me, with those same eyes as when I was sinking in the water, and said “verily I say unto thee, that this night, before the cock crow, thou shalt deny me thrice.” “though I should die with thee, yet will I not deny thee!” I retaliated. And then the rest of the disciples joined in.

Then we followed him to a place called Gethsemane – he told us to wait at the gate while he prayed in the garden. It was well into the night by now. Then, as he had many times before, he motioned for James, John, and I to accompany him while the others waited. He looked so sad. As if the weight of the world were on his shoulders. “My soul is exceeding sorrowful, even unto death; tarry ye here, and watch with me.” And he left us. We could not see Him, but He wanted us to stay awake as He prayed for some reason. He was gone for a good while, and despite our efforts, James, John and I one-by-one drifted off.

Next thing I felt was his trembling hand on my shoulder, and with great uneasiness said “What, could ye not watch with me one hour?” He left again deeper into the garden, and once again fell asleep, leaving the Lord by himself. When he came back, he appeared weak and frail, and his clothes were tinged red with what looked like blood. Yet he was walking and talking as normal. What had happened? Before we could process it all, Judas appeared with a group of men that arrested the Lord and took him away. How could Judas sell Christ for money? I fear greatly for his soul.

I’m not sure where the other disciples went, but I had to follow them. I had to know what would happen to my Lord. I followed them to the high priest’s palace and hid among the servants. Here I watched him stand trial in front of a pack of wolves. He simply stood and listened to each accusation as they got more and more agitated. Then they asked him if he was the Son of God, and for the first time he spoke saying, “Thou hast said: nevertheless I say unto you, hereafter shall ye see the Son of man sitting on the right hand of power, and coming in the clouds of heaven.”

Although I was greatly saddened by all this, I was filled with pride. Pride in my Lord and in His power. Though everyone was against Him, he stayed the course, and stood up to his accusers. He never abandoned His mission. But then as the night went on, and they began to smite him and spit on him and talk of his death, and I looked down and began to fear.

I left the palace and sat by myself. What would I do? What would they do with me if they knew I was one of his chief disciples? As I sat alone, a woman came and said she recognized me as one that was with Jesus. “I know not what thou sayest!” I said, and left. My mind was spinning, my heart racing.

As I wandered, I thought of my brother Andrew, and James and John, and our fishing boat. Would we all die also? As I was thinking, another woman saw me and said to those around, “This fellow was also with Jesus of Nazareth!” I tried to deny but they seemed so sure of it. So I swore with an oath, that “I did not know the man” and left again.

This time, I started thinking of my wife. What if I were to die, what would become of her? Would they kill her and her mother as well? By this time, I had made my way back to where Jesus was being tried, and yet another came to me, sure that I was one of the disciples of Christ. I sternly looked the man in the eyes and cursed and swore to him that I knew nothing of Jesus. I had scarcely finished that sentence before I heard the rooster crow, and saw Jesus turn to me, and look at me with those eyes, yet again, as if to say “o ye of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt? Little child, don’t be silly, the sun will rise the next day.” And I remembered.

The sun indeed, had risen the next day as signified by the rooster’s crow, but for me it did not signify a new day, but the beginning of the greatest darkness I had ever felt. How could I, Peter, his rock, deny Him? I was supposed to be firm, immovable, and steady, but instead was as whimsical as the wind. Had the spirit not witnessed to me that He was the Christ? Had my eyes not witnessed his many mighty miracles? Had not I walked on water too? Was I any different than Judas? He sold Christ for money, I sold Him out for my own life? I ran out of the palace, and wept bitterly as tears of sorrow flowed from my once faith-filled eyes.

The rest of his letter must have been lost in the mail…

But luckily we know that Peter’s story doesn’t end this way.

 

He saw the resurrected Christ multiple times. Twice soon after the resurrection.

It was Peter that even after seeing the resurrected Lord twice suggested that he and the other disciples go back and do some fishing.

But it was also Peter who, upon finding out that it was the Savior who told them to “cast their nets on the other side” that threw himself in the water to meet him.

It was Peter who received the repeated admonition almost in the form of a chastisement when asked 3 times, “lovest thou me?” Probably because his faith had shaken those times in the past.

But It was also Peter that, despite having the Savior himself prophecy to him of his martyrdom, preached the gospel for the rest of his days, seeing visions, healing Aeneas of palsy, rasing Tabitha from the dead and working other Christ-like miracles. And it was also Peter, along with his fishing buddies James and John, who many years later would appear to Joseph Smith and Oliver Cowdery to confer upon them the priesthood of Aaron.

Peter’s story is one of hope for me. He walked and talked with the Savior. He saw the miracles Christ did. He had the spirit witness to him of Christ's divinity multiple times, and yet there were times that when it came down to it, Peter failed. He denied Christ. He lost faith. He disobeyed Him and went fishing instead of preaching the gospel. 

And yet - Christ kept showing faith in him and giving him the opportunities to succeed. And eventually he did! Peter's story helps me be a bit more patient with myself and with God, and gives me hope that despite my times of weakness, if I continue to do my best to move toward Christ then I can become one of His true disciples. 

If he can open the eyes of the blind, and even the dead, then he can open my eyes too if I am not of little faith. I feel that He has opened my eyes, and now I must do what I can to continue to believe and make sure they don't slowly drift shut.