Honesty seems like such an easy concept. Tell the truth. Don't lie. We learn it in primary. How is it that we have taken something as pure and simple as honesty and manipulated it into something so difficult and elusive? We are indeed masters of manipulation. It starts when we believe listening to the father of all lies and the original master of manipulation. He whispers lies to us and we choose to accept and believe them. As we accept them once or twice, thread by thread we accept them as our new truth. The brilliant part of his lies is that they are often wolves in sheep's skin, in that they are both somewhat true and the most sinister of lies at the same time.
Here's a prime example. Lie: if we minimize something, then the consequences too will be minimized. Truth: if we minimize something, the immediate consequence may be minimized, but the actual consequence is significantly magnified. This was and is huge for me. I was incredible at adding things in to actions that made them seem less bad than they really were. Satan is so good at getting us to sell ourselves for the quicker reward. It is so hard for the addict to see and work for the long term reward when the short term one is sitting right there.
Here's another one that I was particularly prone to. Lie: if I go to a certain point in my "process," then 1) I'll be able to stop before I act out and 2) it doesn't count as acting out if I don't actually go all the way. In essence, I'll satisfy the craving with smaller craving then stop before things to go far. Truth: 1) 99% of the time, you won't be able to stop. And even if you do, 2) while you haven't "acted out" in the sense that so many of us speak about it, you have indeed acted out in every meaning of the phrase. Every time I participated in one part of my addiction but not the other - every time I went to lesser things that inevitably lead to worse things - every time I looked for things just to see if I could find something and get around my filter - I was acting out. The moment you open the computer, magazine, TV, or whatever it is, that's the moment you took the first sip of beer. You've acted out. It needs to stop before that, and satan will do anything to get us to give in to pride and take that first sip. One of the devil's favorite lies and his playground phrase is, "I can handle it." Whenever I say that now, lights flash and sirens blare because I know I'm in a danger zone and need to get out.
The million dollar question comes about: why was/am I dishonest? Why do we lie if it's so bad? For me, I have always been dishonest. When I was a child, if I could get away with something by lying, I almost always would. I would steal little bits of money from my parents, I would hide things, I would sneak things and break rules. Whenever I told a story (and this is still something I catch myself doing), if it involves #s I will inevitably exaggerate the #s to my advantage. My wife told me that she has lied to her parents maybe twice, and felt absolutely horrible when she did. I got to the point where I didn't feel bad about it - as long as I didn't get caught. The seeds of dishonesty are often planted early on, but they don't have to be. As I slowly but surely became a practicing addict, I became a brilliant liar.
The main reason I lied was to avoid punishment. Fear. I was, and still am at times, afraid of punishment and will do anything to avoid the immediate punishment. Example: early this year, I did something stupid that was extremely offensive to my wife. I left out an extremely important detail because I was afraid she would be angry and that it probably wouldn't come back to bite me in the end. I avoided the consequence, right? Lie - buried. Well, situations came up recently that made me remember that lie that I left out. I was petrified, especially because we have been working so hard on honesty. I was so scared of how angry she'd be and how sad she would get, and how it would affect what we've been working on, so I thought of ways that I could "soften the blow" and employed them as I proceeded to tell her. She and I both realized that I wasn't telling the complete truth, and I quickly fixed it - but I couldn't believe that I had initially lied again, even though we have been working on it intensely recently. It's very much like breaking any other habit, like biting your nails. If I were to have an intense habit of biting my nails and tried to stop instantly, I would inevitably find myself with my fingers in my mouth at some points along the way. The most important thing is to address it and fix it quickly. I'm sure you all have similar experiences, but my dishonesty has been the most difficult thing for my wife to deal with. They have been a potent poison, and truth unfortunately is a slow working antidote. The ironic thing is that in giving in to our fear of punishment, the ONLY thing we're doing is delaying and enhancing its conequences.
Another reason I can think of was because of shame. I was the prime example of a "double life" and I was so ashamed. I had never heard ANYONE that had a problem with this in the past, and I wasn't about to be the only one that did - so I hid it from anyone and everyone around me, aside from a few bishops. So I liked and pretended I was someone I wasn't, and I was good at it. I became 2 different people entirely - the addict and the facade of a spiritual man.
Another reason is because of sheer habit. Sometimes I lie without even thinking about it - and about things that don't even matter. I'll lie to people that I know something when I don't. I'll lie to people and say that I like something or dislike another when I in reality have no opinion in the matter or even think the other way.
Another reason I have lied is because of core lies I have told myself, which also stem from fear or pride. I accepted and minimized certain things to the point where I convinced myself they were a certain way. I.e., I acted out, but it wasn't the traditional acting out, so it didn't count and wasn't something I needed to talk about. Once I told myself and accepted that lie, I then proceeded to lie to everyone around me - my fiance, bishops, my sponsor, etc. There would be a voice telling me it wasn't right, but I would go back to that original lie that was so enticing because it meant I would (momentarily) avoid consequences, and the lie would continue to grow.
How do we develop honesty? Practice. Simple, painful, practice. Fixing old lies and fixing new lies. Fixing lies when we realize we've told them, instead of hiding them, thinking they'll never resurface. EVERY lie has its consequences, and will resurface in time. Facing consequences of lies head on - experiencing the pain that lies bring to others. Telling the truth no matter how difficult - and quickly. Most importantly, employ the help of God. Only he has unclouded my vision and helped me be more and more aware of the lies I am prone to. And only He can change me.
Anyway, I have lots more to say on the matter, but my day is up. I have learned so much about honesty recently, through extremely painful means. Sadly, I am not at the point where I am 100% all the time with everyone. But I am to the point now where I feel absolutely ill if I have not been honest about something, particularly with my wife, and I fix it quickly. That, to me, is encouraging - and it's loads better than I have ever been.
I'd be interested to hear your thoughts. What other lies has satan told you that you have accepted and are striving to break off? Why do you find yourself lying at times, or have you developed 100% honesty? How have you regained your loved one's trust?
It's so interesting to hear this honest report about your own dishonesty. I'm curious what led you to get to this point in your recovery. Lying is a big problem for my husband and even the Stake President (who we are counseling with) has mentioned that there is so much self-deception involved at the moment that my husband can't even really see reality. I'm hopeful it will get better and even though I can tell this has been a difficult road for you, it sounds like you have made a lot of progress from where you once were.
ReplyDeleteI can recall many many times where I was lying and didn't even know I was lying. I had lied so much to myself that I had all but lost the ability to tell truth from lie. I can still feel tendencies in this direction at times, but it's nowhere near where it was before.
DeleteThe thing that helped me the most was to do a brutally honest "honest inventory" every day where I would go through a series of questions (tailored to things I typically lied about) and pray that God would open my eyes and inspire my feelings to know where I had gone amiss. I reported those lies to my wife each night. I'm not sure if this was the right way to go about it, but it helped me to realize a lot.
Another note - we addicts tend to tell the truth and learn to tell the truth in chunks. We'll come out with one thing, and then "remember" another part of it, and another. Rarely does it all come out at once, even if it's about the same event. It's a sad, but unfortunately true trend I've noticed in myself and others.
I wish you and your husband the best of luck.
I actually don't lie anymore. Meaning, I don't outwardly lie. I still fall victim to self deception and don't necessarily see things clearly at times but as for blatant lies. Those are gone.
ReplyDeleteThis was a hard transition for me to make though. I used to lie ALL the time. It was awful. It was SUCH an ingrained habit in me that lies would fly out of my mouth seemingly before I'd even formulated the thought.
I really decided I wanted to give this up when I started working my Step 6 and 7. It's a character weakness right? And we are promised that through hard working these steps we can be free of the bondage our character weaknesses puts us in.
That doesn't mean the Lord will cure us or take it from us. That would be counterproductive. It means I would have to work to do as much as I possible could and then He would do the rest.
What did that look like for me?
Like you, I committed to 100% honesty. I knew I was going to lie again so I didn't commit to NOT lying, but instead I committed to correct any lie I told. As this commitment (and it wasn't a hollow commitment, I really meant it) took hold in my heart a miracle occurred.
The next time I lied, which was probably the next day, I literally felt the weight of sin on my shoulders. I literally felt bound by chains. I literally felt the sickening shame start to settle in ... but more than anything I felt this burning desire to do whatever it took to be free of those feelings, and that included correcting the lie, no matter how dumb I felt.
The lie? Was to my Bishop. It was dumb little white lie. I lied by telling him what I thought he wanted to hear, instead of what was true.
So, I had to go back and tell my Bishop I'd lied to him. That was NOT fun. The consequence was not worth the lie.
I had to repeat this process a handful of times before the habit was broken. I honestly can't remember the last time I outwardly lied.