I had a birthday over the weekend - one year older and wiser and soberer too. One thing about turning 28 is that it just feels so close to 30... which I'm sure one day I will be like 'oh to be 30 again!' but now 30 just seems like that age that I didn't think I'd hit any time soon.
The other thing about turning 28 though is that I had my first 'age year' of not acting out sexually since I don't know when. Who'd a thunk that 27 was my lucky number? I didn't really start acting out seriously until after my mission at age 21, but each year prior to that I made poor decisions and got involved in things I shouldn't have in this depressing realm of addiction all the way back to when things like this started to be interesting to me.
Anyway, 27 was porn free. It was mb free. It was free of justifications. It was free of letting my thoughts go on whatever they wanted. That's positive. It was, however, still full of a lot sorrowful times. A lot. Most of which due to the hurt I have caused my dear wife. Unfortunately the sequelae of sexual addiction go well beyond the actual acting out. Just because people stop bombing a city doesn't mean it will all magically be rebuilt and shiny when the bombs stop going off - gotta rebuild it one building at a time (random analogy but it's what I thought of so there ya go).
If only minds and hearts healed as fast as cuts and bruises.
Good news is that we're healing and rebuilding the foundations of our relationship (and our personal characters) that were rocked so hard by all of this. We've got a ways to go, but we're going. And that's what's important. I still have a hard time not hating myself for causing all this.... - and that's all I have to say about that (Thanks, Forrest).
Happy b-day to moi. 28 is gonna be a good one.
Happy Birthday and great analogy!
ReplyDeleteIs your wife doing Addo Recovery? I've found it really helpful!
Wow, that's great! It's weird how whenever I read your blog posts in the past I imagined you much older--perhaps already in your 30s, but nope, you are much younger than that. I also imagine you as a tall, Asian man with a mohawk.
ReplyDeleteJust kidding.
Congrats on your 27th year! That's huge!!!
i agree with Seattle, I assumed you were early 30's. I'm actually 2 months older than you! haha. And i'm way stoked that you survived a whole year. I can hardly fathom it. And nice medical term word, sequelae. I had to look it up.
ReplyDeletehaha that's what med school has done to me - obscure nerdy words like that are now my default. keep fighting buddy!
DeleteCongratulations!
ReplyDeleteHAPPY BIRTHDAY! I struggled with 30. It's when I was still deep in my addiction and each year I aged was closer to God, which I feared so much because I was failing so bad. Now I rejoice with each year I age because I'm that much closer to going home.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing bits of yourself with us. You inspire me.
Fantastic! Congratulations. It's so nice for those of us who are still struggling with sobriety to see the progress that so many addicts are making. Thanks for sharing. It brings hope.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the birthday wishes and the congrats from all of you. I get a lot of support and strength from my little online family. You guys are fabulous - we can beat this! (by we I obviously include God at the center of it) :)
ReplyDelete"If only minds and hearts healed as fast as cuts and bruises."
ReplyDeleteoh if only!
also, i felt elated as i read this and how awesome and powerful it is to write of a whole year mb free, pornography free.
thats amazing!
amazing progress and how great the years to come must be!
congrats!
happy birthday nate!
Congrats!!
ReplyDelete