Well, here I am at another important time in my life. The next month has the potential for great good and also great sorrow. My wife went to be with her family for the next 3 weeks while I study for my medical boards. some of my other buddies are sending their wives/kids up to be with their parents so we can focus. Whether or not it was necessary I won't say - I probably could have managed fine with her down here, and I could use her love and support her presence brings as I go through this rather stressful time. Also let's be honest, I can't study for 12 hours a day... it just would not be effective. My brain would turn to oatmeal...
But I'm past wondering if she needed to go or not and now I'm focusing on the good that can come from it.
Good #1: This gives me an opportunity to choose to do the right thing over an extended period of time with her not here. This is an opportunity for growth - growth that I would not be able to attain otherwise had she not been here. While we were engaged and dating long distance I did some things and justified hiding them from her. I can't change that that happened, but I can do it differently this time. I can pass the real test this time. In all reality, medical boards are nothing compared to the test of faithfulness.
Good #2: I tend to take things for granted and to be somewhat pessimistic and critical by nature. I do not enjoy that I am and I try so hard not to be. Either way, not having my wife around will (has a little already) help me really appreciate all the things she does for me, how much our love and marriage means to me, and how meaningful she makes my life. Sometimes I get caught up in little things and lose sight of the big picture. A little distance can put things in perspective sometimes.
Good #3: This will give me some time to focus on healing. Our counselor encouraged us both to engage ourselves in endeavors that we enjoy and to experience personal growth instead of just sitting and worrying about whether something bad will happen. Profound. I'm going to try and exercise more, socialize more, and just do things that will help me to feel better about myself. I feel like so many of my problems stem from my lack of self-esteem and that we would gain a lot from my improving there.
Those are the thoughts I have today. As always I am limiting my internet surfing time to what is necessary or directed toward a specific goal and that's it. I have my usual filter and accountability software that my wife will get weekly emails about. We talk at least nightly and I will be honest as I tell her about my day. And I'm doing my best to limit my alone time by studying with my friends and findings things to do out of the house with others. I'm also not using my computer at night and trying to go to sleep early and wake up early. Those are a few things. Oh, and the support group at least once a week and individual counseling sessions.
Anyway, I have a lot in my arsenal, but I still feel the most important thing will be to stay consistent with steps 1-3. Remember that I cannot do this on my own and will fall if I rely on myself, have faith that God can heal me and help me through temptations and trials, and then seek and follow his will. Or as I have heard it said a few times before, "I can't. God can. I will let Him."
Maybe I'll go out and howl at the moon a few times too just for kicks. Couldn't hurt.
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