Baby steps

As I steadily approach my official 2-year sobriety mark, I look back and initially feel sick for the things I've done and how insane and stupid I was. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing, probably both, but the point is that there are also a lot of great things that have gone on during recovery, although they aren't the first things that comes to mind. It seems that little by little I've learned some essential things that are important to make our relationship grow.

So I'm going to write about some of the baby steps that have happened along the way, realizing that good lessons come from difficult circumstances, and while everything isn't roses and forest critters all the time, life is pretty darn good and we're finally ready to move forward with our family.

First was honesty. I wasn't honest. I had never been fully honest. I always took little, seemingly harmless shortcuts and would try to get away with what I could. This transferred well into addiction later in life. I would tell almost the truth. I was pro at it. I was pro at justifying my almost truth. This is a hard one to talk about because I feel so slimy about it all and the process of learning was almost unbearably painful for the both of us... but I'm proud to say that I have become an honest man. I got a little teary-eyed just writing that. I am an honest man. I have integrity. I don't cheat. I don't half-truth. I don't lie. I don't hide. It's become a piece of me that I have learned to control and not become obsessive about. I can't lie anymore - I know where that road leads.

Another baby step was learning not to be critical, particularly of Wifey. I would go long periods of time without giving her good, honest compliments - and even when I tried they were half-hearted and she could tell. I would go through periods where I felt I was the scum of the earth and then a few weeks later feel like I was better than wifey and deserved more. The reason is obviously not because of her, or because she didn't merit the highest of compliments, but because I was viewing her and my life through crazily distorted lenses. Distorted by media, addiction, life, bad choices, or whatever, but terribly distorted. I know now that she needs those compliments to ensure her of my love and devotion to her, and I am able to give those compliments whole-heartedly and without guile. She does not have to be perfect or close to it. I love my beautiful Wifey. She is my angel.

Communication, oh communication. I stink at it. Ok, I'm better at it. I am the epitome of the silent male when it comes to important things. I would go completely silent in the middle of important conversations as I would sit and refute every thought that came to my mind. I would hold in important struggles I was having. I would keep my feelings in during arguments. I would hold my thoughts in and become resentful when she didn't know them. I would hold expectations inside and be upset when they weren't met. Ok, I still do this sometimes... but much less. Each time we have a disagreement or argument it's honestly a huge struggle to open my mouth and say how I feel or ask questions to figure out how wifey feels, but I do it more and trust me it works much better. It's slowly becoming kind of natural. Sloooowlyyyy.

Another thing along the way was learning to deal with conflict. We still have our differences and we still fight. We still have our moody times and get mad at each other. We still have good days and bad days. BUT that's all they are. Differences, moods, fights, and bad days. We've (I, in particular) have learned to deal with these things, a little at a time. Growing up, my family and I would mostly suppress negative emotions until they just went away, I'm learning to deal with them and that it's ok to have them. Weird, but it's a new concept to me.

These are a few of the baby steps we've needed to take along our way towards recovery. As I look back at them, the important lesson that is reiterated in my mind is that recovery is NOT just about not acting out, it's about having a character overhaul. It affects so many areas of life that must be dealt with. I don't have anything fancy to say right here... never really do... but I'm grateful to God for helping me along, and grateful to Wifey for sticking around and holding me to her expectations of what she deserves. I know now more than ever that she is the right woman for me.

Other baby steps that have helped me are sticking to my recovery goals with computer usage and iphone usage and avoiding the yellow-light behaviors that can happen on those. ALSO I was able to floss 363 days last year and am still flossing daily this year. AND I am running a mile a day this year (except Sundays) and haven't missed one yet. Little things, but they help me grow character and confidence that I will do what I say I will do.

Baby steps - untie your knots. FREEEEEEEEE!!!

A hodgepodge of the last month

Hey team. It's been a little while. I wasn't able to make it to group this week so I told wifey I'd write in the good ol' blog to keep my mind recovery-focused, and of course I put it off till Sunday. Oh well, at least I'm here.

We actually just had a really intense conversation about things. Communication, weaknesses, our relationship, etc that didn't end fantastically so we're still processing that. The encouraging thing is that we were actually able to communicate. I didn't shut down. I was able to explain my feelings (more than before, at least), which are big improvements from our past conversations.

We're still less than 6 months from when things were really terrible, so emotions and still quite near the surface and easily provoked. Both of us are quick to react to things that for others might be instantly looked over or joked about. We're getting better though. We're quite different, her and I. Sometimes it makes things harder, and sometimes it makes things fabulous. I feel like instead of marrying someone like me I married someone who completes me, and I'm glad for that choice. That's the point of it all, I feel like. I like how the simplemarriage website guy refers marriage to a developmental boot camp. Not sure where he heard that from, but I agree.

Recovery has been pretty good for me. I'm at 23 months sober now, almost to the infamous 2 year mark. Acting out is rarely a temptation for me, but there are still troubling thoughts almost daily, typically about past actions I've done, sometimes temptations to do things I shouldn't. There have been a few resources with unblocked internet access in our home for the last little while that I really need to get cracking on. I haven't gotten close to acting out on them, but they just nag at me sometimes, when I feel down, and I don't like it.

My faith has been lower lately. Praying just hasn't seemed helpful, church has seemed almost like a bother. I just haven't been feeling very spiritual recently, which is something I need to do better at. Also, I am still technically on step 11, after 3 1/2 years of group. Been on it for almost a year now, mainly because I have a hard time seeking God's will and doing it, mainly the seeking part.

I don't have a lot of faith in getting revelation from God anymore for one reason or another, and I am afraid to try it again. I'm afraid because I feel like I won't get anything and faith will get even lower. Isn't that silly? But that's how I feel.

Aside from those things, life is pretty much the same for us. Wifey has found a couple things that she is really passionate about, and I love that. I think that's important for everyone, but wives in particular. She's crazy busy though with all the things she's doing - we keep waiting for things to slow down but they don't seem to.

Mile A Day - 2014 is going great, so far I'm 100%, even randomly ran a 10k on Friday, which I'd never done. Wifey runs with me whenever I ask, which is nice of her. My bro-in-law in UT is doing the challenge too and hasn't missed a day despite the terribly cold weather. I'm thankful for him too. My knee is hurting though each time, but I already decided last year that even if I had to be in a wheel chair I'd wheel a mile a day - it's going to happen. I need the extra integrity, resolve, and self-mastery... and health. :)

Hope all is well to my fellow friends seeking recovery. I never dreamed that I'd be able to get through a Christmas break without sweating about a relapse. I'm grateful to God for His helping me to finally start to see the change I had been seeking for so long. I am committed to moving forward and resolving to follow the feelings that tell me what to do or not to do, which I believe are inspired by God. Good luck and keep in touch.