Negative thoughts and feelings/character weaknesses log 11/29

This is something I'm going to be doing over the next little while and I thought that I'd make a post out of one of them. I am going to go through my negative thoughts and feelings over the last day or so and link them to my character weaknesses that I discovered in step 4. Here they are from yesterday, I was surprised how many of them were triggered and perhaps not appropriately dealt with:

Be warned... some of these are a little ridiculous. Just goes to show how far I have to go...

Weakness	Manifestations recently
1.        Pride – I don’t like people above me. I rely on skills, accomplishments, and status to determine my self-worth.	·         11/29 – I determine my self worth by how good I am and how happy my wife is. If I don’t make mistakes, I am a good person. If I make a mistake, then I am a bad person. If my wife is happy, then I am a good husband. If she is not happy, I am a bad husband. ·
2.        Impatient with others’ weaknesses and my own. Have perfectionistic views.	·       11/29 When I have temptations to lust, i feel that I am a bad person and a bad husband.  11/29 – similar to others mentioned
3.        I put standard on how other people should act and expect them to live up to them. Often these standards are unrealistically high and I do not make them known.	·
4.        I mimic everything from personality to relationship habits. I am not firm in my own. I believe this stems from me having a very negative self-view.	·         11/29 – I mimic my wife’s feelings. My wife is sad, therefore I am sad. My wife is happy, therefore I am happy. My wife is angry, I become indifferent.
5.        I go for immediately rewards instead of the long-term ones.	·
6.        I tend to think negatively about the future wherever I can.	·
7.        Fear that I cannot change for the better. Also fear that others cannot change.	·         11/29 – I feared that My wife will never be able to get over these things and will always be sad and resentful toward me. Regardless to how well I recover, I am scared that there will always be things I do that trigger her sadness/anger that we will always be dealing with. ·         11/29 - I had a fear that I would never be able to really recover - that I will always have little things here and there that I will do to destroy my life, and that my current success is only temporary and that in time I will just slip back in to addiction.
8.        Worst case scenario thinking.	·         11/29 - I got a 1/10 on a question series, therefore I can and will probably fail a big test I am preparing for. This got me sad, as well as made me want to do better, so I spent the next 30-45 min trying to do better instead of studying (#1).
9.        I value what other people say or think about me more than I should and am not comfortable with who I am.	·         11/29 – If My wife is angry with me or upset with our marriage, then I must be a failure, regardless to how much I am improving or how well I am doing.
10.     I don’t respect God’s will or look at the bigger plan.	·
11.     I have a very negative self-view.	·
12.     Wanting to escape reality.	·
13.     I avoid direct confrontation, but am by nature still quite confrontational, just in a different way.	·         11/29 – My wife wanted to buy more things at the store than we had planned. I began to feel upset about finances and feel slightly resentful because she wanted to buy those things that I felt were not necessary. I didn’t tell her and rather just kept it in and shut down. ·         11/29 – My wife put more cheese on my food than I wanted and when I said something about it she made me feel inferior. I didn’t say anything else about it and was just upset about it.

Had no idea how many of these have to do with my interactions with my wife. I really need to be a bit more open with her about my weaknesses and how they are being triggered. Communication is vital and it's something I've never been quite good at. I think if I were to be a bit more open with her about these things she could be on my team a bit more and that might solve much of the resultative negative thoughts/feelings.

Anyway, just a little insight into what I'm going to be doing over the next little while as I seek to really implement step 10.

Negative thoughts and feelings

Quick post today about negative thoughts and feelings.

So much of my getting out of the cycle of addiction was realizing the imperceptible steps and decisions that occur between Point A (feeling great) to Point B (acting out). The points seemed so close together and so blurred in the past. It seemed like I had no control over things and they "just happened." Upon further examination, everyone will find that there are numerous little decisions along the way that we make that lead us to point B.

A big one for me is how I approach negative thoughts and feelings. I frequently have one of many of the following feelings: guilt, anxiety, depression, anger, fear, frustration, self-pity, stress... etc. We all do. Because we were not sure how to healthily deal with these feelings, we turned to addiction. Even now I sometimes catch myself just 'squeaking through' these times, relying on myself, or even ignoring that the feelings exist, hoping they will just go away. Whether or not they do go away, they haven't been properly dealt with, and they slowly build up.

I am working today to turn to God and Jesus Christ with my negative thoughts and feelings - to take multiple 'time outs' during the day where I assess what's happening, apply principles I've learned from steps, and ask God to give me peace and teach me what to do. If I rely on myself to deal with these feelings, who's to stop me from relying on myself when strong temptations come? I must be willing to turn over everything to God, even the small things that I feel like I can deal with on my own.

That's what I'm doing today for my recovery. Tomorrow I'll be doing the same. Habits take a while to make and break. :) May we all find success as we actively work to accomplish our goals.

Sponsors - how to get one, how to be one

The next thing about my on-going recovery that was/is absolutely essential in my opinion is a sponsor. There is absolutely no way I could've learned the things I needed to without my sponsor. I think my thoughts about this one would best be conveyed Q&A style. I will refer to my sponsor as "Dave."

PS - I don't really know that much about sponsors in general, I just know what I have experienced and that's what this is about. Other people with sponsors - feel free to comment and correct me if you feel I'm off on any points.

PPS – I also sent this to Dave and he put in a few comments of his own that helped me focus on the most important things sponsors did. They are in italics below.

What is a sponsor?

A sponsor (or "help person" as they are sometimes called in LDS meetings), is a person who has been through the 12-step program who then helps others to do the same. It is someone for you to be accountable to daily who really understands addiction. MOST OF ALL, it is someone who facilitates your journey to make a connection with our savior, Jesus Christ.

Who can be a sponsor?

I don't know the SA rules for who can be a sponsor and who can't, but as far as I know, anyone can be a sponsor who has the right experience. If you are working the 12 steps (which I HIGHLY suggest), you'll want someone that has been through the steps thoroughly so they can help you do the same. Sponsors should probably be actively working on their own recovery. Dave was the perfect sponsor for me because I felt he was so similar to me, just further down the road. He was recently married (I was single). He was a student. He had around 18 months of sobriety when we first started. And he had rigorously and thoroughly gone through the 12 steps. 

How can I get a sponsor?

Best way to get a sponsor is to attend a recovery meeting in your area and find someone that you feel meets the qualifications. If there aren't meetings available in your area, you could find one online through blogs. Also, your bishop may know of someone in the ward that has been through the program - he could ask them if they'd be willing to sponsor someone. The most important part is that you prayerfully select someone to be your sponsor. God will lead you to the right person. He led me to Dave. After you identify someone, ask them if they'd be willing to sponsor you, and then set a plan of how they will go about doing that. You could do something similar to ours

What did I do with my sponsor?

Dave told me straight up that having a sponsor is and should be very involved. It takes a big commitment from both sides. In addition to speaking to my sponsor every evening (average of 8 minutes. as short as 3, as long as you need), you should meet together face-to-face to discuss in detail where you are in the steps and to set goals as to how to move forward. Nightly follow ups should consist of a brutally honest inventory of the day as well as follow ups on goals that you are currently working on. Sponsors should not act like a parole officer - they are simply there to facilitate the process, not control it. Recovery is like gaining a testimony, you can't force someone to have it, you can't tell someone to have it - you can create an environment where they can choose whether or not they will experience it.  

Dave: “This is a great point.  People often times misunderstand how a sponsor works…For me it’s just that idea of connecting with Christ.  All sponsors should do is help you to make that connection for yourself.”

Can wives/loved ones have sponsors?

Yes! Dave's wife had a sponsor before he did and she said it made all the difference in her life. She is a currently a sponsor for other women and a facilitator at groups in their area. Women/loved ones need someone to talk through their feelings with. They need someone with that experience who they feel they can relate to. They need to not feel alone. They need someone to help them create an environment around them in which they can recover and heal. They need to work through the steps on their own to recognize and deal with their own personality flaws. 

How did my sponsor help me?

• Dave was perfect at helping me discover the things that God wanted me to do and then pushing me to do them.
• He didn't let me rely on him. He always always pointed me to God.

Dave: “This is along those same lines.   But I don’t think you can overstate this point.  IT IS ALL ABOUT CHRIST.  Sponsors just help you to connect with him.”

• If I didn't call for a few days, he waited for me to call. Then when I called we discussed why I didn't call.
• He wasn't afraid to ask the uncomfortable but necessary questions. If he felt I was minimizing or rationalizing something, he would call me out on it.
• He helped me see that things don’t just “happen.” There were always poor decisions I made along the way or feelings that I didn’t address that built up.
• If I was confused on how to work through a step, he would help me to think it through and come up with a solution. He provided timely, pertinent wisdom in times of need.
• He helped me fall to my knees after relapses instead of falling on my back. He was patient with me as I kept giving my trust to God and taking it back.
•  He helped me learn about myself as we looked at my actions and tendencies under a magnifying glass, and sometimes what felt like a microscope. 

In short - get a sponsor and make sure you are both clear of the role they should play! I hope one day to be a sponsor again. I was one for a few months but then was unable to continue because I felt I needed to put all my energy into my own recovery. I'm currently on step 10 of the program and will soon be moving on to step 11. Sorry, tangent. Sponsors. Get one. Done.

Let's give thanks

Not a lot of time today... (I've actually got all sorts of time today... but you know what I mean) but I wanted to write a quick post for what I'm grateful for, as gratitude is key to humility. First 10 things that come to mind - go.

1) My wife (surprise surprise). She has certainly been through a lot and has done her best to keep herself and our marriage together through it all. She does her best to stay patient with me. She works incredibly hard at her job. She encourages me. She doesn't let me settle for less than my best efforts and has high expectations for me. She has faith in me. She looks and cooks like an angel. Love you my darling.

2) My weaknesses. That probably comes to mind this quickly because I'm writing in this blog, but I am actually grateful for my weaknesses. They have caused me to gain humility. They have caused me to find God again. They have given me an opportunity to really see the power of God in my life. Like Paul said, "Therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, for when I am weak, then I am strong." (Or something like that).

3) A loving family. I read a few blogs of people who's parents did not show them affection. My family always did. My mother and father cared for me constantly. I have a fantastic relationship with every one of my siblings. They are huge support in my life and I owe much of my success to them. I am particularly grateful for a little sister who I can confide in and share things with, knowing that she somewhat understands and won't ever judge me.

4) A warm home. A lot of people don't have homes. Or if they do, they aren't warm - temperature or feeling. I have both.

5) Friends. My wife and I recently moved into a new state where we know absolutely nobody. Within a few months my wife and I have gotten to know some really fantastic people that I really feel like God led us to meet.

6) A future. I'm grateful to God and to my family for helping me to get to a point where I feel I have a future. My family really treated me well and set me up for success. A little over 2 years ago I didn't feel like I would ever be married or accomplish a particular goal that I had been working toward. Within a year of starting to attend groups I had begun to accomplish my goal and had also been dating my girlfriend (now wife) for a few months. I really owe everything to God and I am so grateful to Him.

7) The internet. Yeah, it's kind of a bittersweet one here, but I am becoming more and more grateful for the internet as I have begun to use it only for good. I'm grateful for the blogging community and the support that it brings. I'm grateful to keep in touch with people in ways that weren't previously possible. I'm grateful for the information that is available so quickly and how much that helps me.

8) My senses. All 5 of 'em (or 6 if you count my ability to estimate time to the second sometimes). I love the taste of foods, especially on thanksgiving. I love admiring God's creations around me and few things make me happier than seeing my wife's happy smile (the one that makes her nose wrinkle up a bit). I'm grateful for wonderful music that I can listen to and play and I it makes me feel. I know that some people don't have these senses, and I think life would be difficult without them.

9) Freedom. I'm grateful that I have the freedom that I have in the country I live, and for those that continue to fight for it. There's a lot of people around the world that have WAY more difficult life circumstances than I do (middle east, rural China, almost anywhere in Africa, guatemala, anyone?) and I count myself really blessed to be where I am. I am also grateful to God for slowly but surely liberating me from the chains that bound my soul. I was truly captive, a slave of the flesh. He freed me and continues to free me as I do my part and trust in Him.

10) Health. I'm not an Adonis or anything, but I'm relatively healthy. (I just looked it up and apparently Adonis is the greek God of beauty, so I'm not sure how much that sentence makes sense. But you get my point). I have 10 fingers, 2 eyes, healthy organs, and am only slighly losing my hair. One of my best friends died in a car accident when we were in out late teens. I had another buddy (not as good friend, but knew him well) who died of malignant melanoma, leaving his wife of 1-2 years. Others have had surgeries or have other difficult ailments that make each day a bit more difficult. My life is relatively free from these and that is something to be grateful for.

Anyway, in writing this I've realized again that, although I certainly have had a heavy to cross to carry for years and sometimes get bitter/angry about it, life could be a lot worse. I have a lot to be grateful for. I can see God's hand in our lives if I try. The problem is that I often focus on things that are going wrong in life rather than things that are going right, or have always been right.

A friend told me this once and it always stuck with me. He put a dot on a white board and asked us, what do you see? Of course we all said, "A dot!" Then he said something to the nature of, "In all the years I've been a teacher, I've never had any student say, 'I see a whole lot of white space.'" I hope that I can do my best to see the "white space" in life and focus less on the black dots of life, no matter how big they are and how much they scream for my attention. I won't ignore the dots - but I also don't put my face up to the board so the dot is all I can see. Take a few steps back and look at the big picture, and life will be happier.

Life is pretty good. Thanks.

Step by step

Here's a post about the LDS 12-step program. Ready? Let's go. Sorry for the awkward start. That's kind of what I thought in my head so that's how I started. And no, I was never a cheerleader. Officially.

The LDS 12-step program, based on the Alcoholics Anonymous steps, is the tool that helped me find God again in my life and finally break the cycle of acting out. It helped me learn basically every really important lesson I've learned thus far on my way to recovery.

Many people work the steps, but not everyone works them correctly. I'm not saying I know exactly how to work them or how they should be taken, but I have learned some really important lessons about working the steps that I wish I knew when I started and I wish everyone starting off could know about them. So, here they are in my apparent favorite - list form.

PS - know that any time I say "work the steps" I really mean "incorporate the gospel truths described by the step into your being."

1) Be thorough - Each step needs to be worked through thoroughly. Take your time. No need to rush. You've spent a long time developing this addiction, it's going to take a long time to get out. Accept it. Commit to it. Before I was willing to let go of my pride and attend a support group, I downloaded the booklet and worked through steps 1-8 or so on my own in a couple of months. I was going through the motions but still lacked the humility and commitment necessary to change. And I didn't.
The steps build on each other, so if the first few are rushed through, it could lead to future relapses due to a shaky foundation. We've all played that game with kids where we build a pyramid and have them pull out one of the blocks on the bottom row... if not, try it - you're in for a treat. I've been doing the program pretty actively since June 2010 and I'm still just only about to finish step 10. Some steps were done in a couple of weeks, others took me 4-6 months to finish. The next lesson builds on this, so here it goes...

2) Be painfully honest - Lies are the life-blood of addiction. The lies we tell ourselves and others about God, life, relationships, ourselves, etc slowly pervert our core beliefs and become a part of us. The steps are difficult and should take a while to work through because we need to unlearn those lies, and relearn truths. But it's more than unlearn and relearn - it's unbecome and rebecome. Less like repainting the interior so it looks good and more like tearing down the house and rebuilding it correctly from scratch because let's face it - our pipes and wires are all crossed.
Throughout the steps, you will need to let go of pride and admit things you've never admitted, and mean it. You will need to assess what you really believe about God and what false beliefs you have developed about Him. You'll relive everything you've done to hurt yourself and others. You'll need to search deep - really deep - and discover painful things about yourself that have been hidden and numbed by the addiction, and then you'll need to learn to rely on God as you approach them head on. Honesty is key in the whole process. In curing cancer, you can't just wipe out the metastases - you've also got to get to main tumors producing them otherwise they'll just grow back after a short period without symptoms. That being said...

3) You don't have to be perfect to move past a step - There's a character trait that we are all familiar with - perfectionism. I'm astounded how I hear time and again in group, "I'm a perfectionist... so everything has to be" etc etc. We need to be careful not to let the pendulum sway too far to the other end and get frustrated from being stuck on a step for too long because we haven't done it perfectly and we're not "done" with it. It's ok. You're never "done" with the steps. :) (see below)
What was important for me about each step was that I 1) analyzed and honestly assessed where I was with regards to the step, 2) discovered what truths I needed to incorporate into myself from that step, 3) had successful incorporated those truths, and 4) was willing to keep working at it while I moved on to the next step. Oh, and 5) I prayed and told God I felt was ready to move on to the next step and I felt His approval.
For example:
Step 1: Am I 100% honest? No, but I'm close. I don't lie about big things anymore. I don't hide things. When I lie about little things instinctively, I catch myself quickly and fix it asap.
Step 2: Do I have a perfect faith in God all the time? No. But I believe in Him and really believe that He can get me out of this. And I'm willing to trust Him.
Step 3: Do I always seek God's will? You guessed it - nope. But I try to and I have habits in place that help me catch it when I get into a self-seeking mode.
Step 7: Am I character-weakness-free? Nope, still got 'em. But I have asked God to take them away and am doing my best to turn them over to Him instead of trying to deal with them myself.

4) There is no such thing as being "done" with a step - The steps were not meant to be checked off. They are meant to be incorporated into our being, and must be if they are to have lasting effects. They aren't a path to a finish line but a ladder out of a hole. When you are trying to decide whether or not to move on from one step to the next, ponder carefully how you will continue working on that step and whether or not it is a part of you. When you've moved on to another step, ponder frequently (daily, ideally) whether or not you have been true to the things you have learned. Analyze each day whether or not you put on each piece of armor you have worked so hard to learn about and incorporate. Why? Because then you can tell if you have "relapsed" one of the steps before you fully "relapse" in your addiction.
This blew me away. I used to think I was in an inevitable cycle of relapsing - I'd relapse, have motivation to change, work really hard, then get complacent, the motivation would leave until I relapsed again, and so on. I felt no sense of urgency until I'd fallen. But when I began to see myself "relapsing" in various steps (such as not being honest, relying on myself, seeking my own will), then that became my definition of relapse. I didn't need a full relapse to regain that motivation - all I needed was to start to lose my footing in the steps and the urgency came back. I'll write more about this one later cause it was a HUGE realization for me.

So, those are the 4 biggest lessons I've learned from my 2+ years of working the steps. This was a great review for me as I looked back at the steps I've incorporated to myself, and I hope it helps some of you as you seek to apply and live the gospel truths from the steps.

The only way to break the cycle

I've been meaning to post about God's role in my recovery, but it seems that whatever I say will be inadequate and I won't ever really be able to fully describe God's role in my recovery - let's see if I can't prove myself wrong.

Before I began attending a recovery group, I honestly felt I was relying on God - and I honestly felt He was ignoring me. I began fully acting out when I was 21 and it would occur every 3 months or so. I would feel awful every time and swear every time was the last time, only to fall once again. Like all addicts, the period of time between relapses slowly shrank over the span of a few years until I was unable to make it beyond a week's time. Like most, I felt absolutely horrible shortly after each relapse. I would analyze why it happened and find the elusive "thing" that I would change that would somehow enable me to escape its clutches next time. But when it came down to decision time, all of a sudden any resolve I had to do what was right was gone - as if I were two completely different people.

I prayed. I prayed for God to help. I pleaded for God to take it away. I cried for some escape. I prayed for strength to do what was right. I spoke with bishops. I went to the temple when I felt I could. I read scriptures and went to church... but somehow God's help eluded me, and I only found myself spiraling deeper and deeper into addiction despite my efforts. Why wouldn't God help me? That is the question I asked my self constantly, and the question that caused my faith in God and my hope for a better life to diminish ever smaller each time I fell.

Well.... why? Looking back, clearly the problem wasn't that God wouldn't help me. Of course he would. It goes much deeper than that, although Satan would LOVE for me to believe just that, and I did. Anyway, I have a lot of theories as to why, but here are the top 3, and how they changed after attending group and working through the 12-step program: (ps: I realize that recovery group isn't what changed me, it is the principles of the gospel that I learned by working through the 12-step program that are changing me, it's just easier to abbreviate as group. So when I say "group," know that's what I mean.)

1) I failed to swallow my pride. 
pre-group: I was never willing to admit I couldn't do it. After each relapse, I told myself - "ok, all I need to do is ____ next time, and I won't act out. I got this." I was looking for the magic quick fix and felt that I could figure it out and do it. I refused to let go of my pride. I also was unwilling to talk to anyone about it except for bishops. I refused to reach out to others, which so often is God's tool in helping us out. Addiction drives us to isolation and secrecy where it can thrive.
post-group: Now I know that "I got this" is the devil's opportunity statement. I always thought that somehow I'd be able to get myself out, and in my pride I was unwilling to admit that I couldn't. The 12-step program helped me see that I was, and am, powerless to overcome my addiction on my own. I learned that recovery based on physical principles will always be temporary. It must be build on spiritual principles. Filters, accountability software, breaking my computer (yes), the rules I set for myself, and even scripture study are only as good as the foundation they are built upon. My foundation is now my relationship with God, and it needs to stay that way if I am to continue.

2) I failed to recognize the roots of my addiction. 
pre-group: I thought the problem was the addiction. I constantly thought, "If I could just stop acting out, I could really go somewhere in life." I failed, and in part, refused to look deeper at the roots of why I act out, and why I turn to the addiction. And even if I did, I would try and fix it myself and then cry to God spasmodically when things had gone (or were about to go) awry.
postgroup: I've pondered and realized the reasons of why I turned to the addiction in the first place: to avoid pain. It sounds insane, doesn't it? Acting in addiction to avoid pain. Insanity, right? Right. But the temporary numbness that acting out brought was apparently worth it to me until I actually became addicted to it. I realized my tendency toward self-pity, avoiding reality, self-indulgence, depression, anxiety, and pride and how I used my addiction as a way of dealing or expressing those tendencies. Just as important, I realized that I can't deal with those tendencies on my own. I now know that I must turn to God with those negative thoughts and feelings and deal with them in a healthy manner through Him and through the gospel of Christ. If I turn to myself to deal with those feelings, I eventually turn to the addiction.

3) I had unrealistic expectations for how God would help me.
pre-group: I thought that if I prayed for help in a time of need, then God should take away the desire to act out. I felt that God would work a miracle in my case and that if I asked sincerely enough, He would just take away the desires to act out and rid my life of addiction. But the desires were still there, and I felt that because the 2 things I just talked about didn't happen that God had left me alone and had not answered my prayer.
post-group: I have learned that God usually wouldn't help me as much as I want, but he will ALWAYS help me as much as I need. God always provides an escape to the humble seeker of a way out. Each time I pray for help, He gives me a way out. Most times, I don't feel an incredible difference after praying. It's not like all of a sudden I'm energized and am become super-Nate. But if I pray and seek God's will and then do it, I ALWAYS find myself somehow sober at the end of the day. Like the last rep of a bench-press set. I've done as much as I can, I can't lift another one, I know that. But I can put all my strength into it and if the spotter (who wants me to get stronger) lifts just enough with even just one finger, the bar will go up. That's what God's help is to me. Perhaps one day I'll post as to why God didn't just take it away or take away the desire when I asked Him. He does things this way for a reason.

Anyway, this is the way that I believe God helps me. I now make an honest effort to connect with God each morning, and when I feel any negative feelings, I do my best to seek God and turn the feelings over to Him. I do the same with temptation. I know my limitations and plead with God for an escape when I feel the SLIGHTEST inkling in the wrong direction. We all know steps in that direction. Granted: I am still struggling with many things in the wake of my addiction - I'm by no means out of the clear even though I've stopped officially "acting out." This post was mainly about how to break the cycle and begin to see some hope and light. I've still got a looooong way to go.

Sorry for the length.

Leave it buried

My next post was going to be focused on my belief in God and how He has helped me in recovery, but today I feel that I need to write about moving on. I'm at a point in my recovery where I feel I can move on. Now, moving on is an interesting concept in my mind. When I was actively practicing in my addiction, I used to pray and desire more than anything that it would just "go away" and that I wouldn't have to deal with it any more - that I'd "be done with it." Throughout the recovery process, I've realized that there is no such thing as being "done with it" in a way. Sure, I can be done with it in the sense that I no longer act on it and it no longer is a hindrance in my life. But I can't be done with it in the sense that I can just go back to life the way it was. Recovery is the assimilation of a variety of beliefs, traits, and actions built on the foundation of a belief in a higher being. It is a one way road, not a u-turn. Addiction is turning to things that numb the pains of life for a moment only to bring on greater pains. If I one day decide that I no longer wish to apply those beliefs, traits, and actions, then I will inevitably slip back into addiction. I've accepted that it is and will probably always be a part of me in that sense - just as if an alcoholic were to turn to drinking again as an escape from their stresses and problems would become addicted again.

But there is a way that I do need to move on, and that is to quit dwelling on and bringing up my past actions. What's happened has happened. I feel, and I feel that God feels, that I have done what is necessary to fix and make recompense for my poor (severe understatement) decisions. Now that I buried those actions, I need to quit going back and digging them up to satisfy a curiosity or obsessive need of mine to do more to make up for it. So many things in life work like a pendulum. We are on one side of the pendulum, realize we need to change, and go full throttle in the direction of change. In our efforts, often we completely miss the middle ground and end up completely on the other side before we realize it. I feel like this happened in so many ways with me. I had been taking short cut after short cut and rationalizing everything that in the process of trying to do what was right I didn't know where to stop.

So, as always, I've rambled and in that rambling perhaps caused you to miss my point. My point is that for me, the time to stop is now. I have done what is necessary to be done and move on. I will take my lessons with me that I have learned (for if I don't I will end up right where I began) and leave the dirt behind me. So I guess that's what moving on means - take the lessons learned, but leave the filth behind. Quit looking back and wondering if there was more to be done. Quit digging things back up. Quit re-opening closed wounds trying their best to heal.

Now move on with faith in your heart and start accomplishing all the things that the addiction held you back from. And remember, anytime I say you, I really mean me. This is just a way to think things through and record lessons learned.

Good decisions

The reason I titled my blog, "good decisions, one day at a time" is because it is something that my wife has helped me to focus on over the last little while as we have struggled to face this challenge together (and also because the acronym gdodaat of looks like "go do dat," but that was just coincidental). 

One of the great myths of addiction is that the addicted doesn't have a choice. I feel, however, that there is a time where we don't have a choice - which I'll discuss later. As Spiderman 3 teaches us, "Whatever comes our way... whatever battle is raging inside us, we always have a choice. My friend Harry taught me that. He chose to be the best of himself. It’s the choices that make us what we are... and we can always choose to do what's right." Horrible movie, great lesson. Prior to acting out, there is a series of choices that everyone makes. These choices are typically selfish in nature and involve the phrase, "I'm going to do what I want to do." These decisions fill me with self-pride, and then I think I am above rules. Then I allow myself to break small rules I have set, telling myself that I am above it or that I am strong enough, or also that I'll only go so far and then stop. 

Many addicts, including myself, feel like they are not in control when they are acting out, like they are watching a movie of themselves, or that something takes control of them until they snap out of it. I fully believe this is true. I believe that I have gotten to a point many many times where I did not have a choice. That sounds incorrect at first, doesn't it? It seems like that's what addicts say to avoid accountability, and some do abuse this saying. The fact is, however, that the only time when we don't have a choice is when we've decided to give up our will to choose. For example, if I'm on a cliff and see the raging ocean below and decide to dive in, I can't decide half way down that I don't want to land in the water and drown. The decision came when I decided to jump. I feel like this is a really sensitive issue, but I honestly feel there were many times that I decided to jump and once I had, there was no turning back no matter what I did. I feel like I gave up my ability to choose to satan, and he led me about as he would.

And so we arrive finally at my point once again - there is always a choice (thanks Peter Parker). Addicts need to avoid the illusion that something "just happened" without them even realizing it. The decisions can be subtle, but very important. It could be deciding to play a video game instead of doing what we should be doing. It could be not doing a spiritual study in the morning and instead watching sports. It could be lying to someone to avoid a consequence. It could be allowing oneself to get angry while driving. It could be deciding to isolate yourself when feeling sad rather than reaching out for help and to help. These are the decisions that make up our day - deciding between what we should do and what we want to do. Ideally those two things would be one and the same, but in an addict's mind those two things are very much skewed. So here we go, making good decisions one day at a time. Here is a list of good decisions I'm going to make:

1) I'm going to read my scriptures before doing other things I want to do.
2) I'm going to decide to be happy because I am making good decisions.
3) I'm going to do a variety of things instead of just sitting around and watching TV (It's my day off).
4) I'm not going to surf on the internet - I will only use it for things that are completely necessary or to watch a show or two (a rule that my wife and I have).
5) I'm going to follow my conscience. If it tells me that I should take that shopping cart in instead of leaving it in the parking lot next to my car, then I'll do it (which happened yesterday).
6) I'm going to tell the truth and I will not exaggerate stories (it seems that ever since I was little I would add or subtract 2 or 3 to every story I told for more effect). 

Someone else could do all these things and probably be completely fine with their day. But this is my cross to bear, and as such I will do what is necessary to make good decisions. Through this, I know I will win this battle that has been raging inside me, and good decisions will help me finally become something that I haven't felt like in years - good. 

It starts...

Hi everyone. Or no one. This could be the only post I ever make in this, or it could be the first of hundreds of posts, depending on... well, if I'm motivated enough, if I feel it's doing anything, or who knows what else. Before I get more than 2 sentences in, however, I'd like to say one thing: I am not a fantastic writer. Or a funny one like other bloggers. I am simply going to write what comes to mind as if I were talking to some unknown person out there realizing that no one will probably ever really read this, which is fine by me - because the point of this blog is to have a record and help me sort through thoughts and feelings in my road to recovery from addiction.

Addiction?! Yes. Addiction. That makes me a horrible person, right? Growing up, the only time I heard about people having addictions was to drugs, and they were bad people who I wasn't supposed to talk to. But now I'm the 'bad person' that I always thought of, and my drug is different than conventional, but very much a drug indeed. That was a hard thing to get over, and has helped me to not judge others. Addictions are more common than one would think. You probably even have one of some sort. The severity and obviousness of them tends to vary, but I believe that each of us in some way or another has an addiction. It could be an addiction to drugs, sex, gambling, or alcohol like the classic ones, or it could be more subtle, like an addiction to anger, lust, sadness, pity parties, overeating, television, video games, the internet, laziness, judging others, or a variety of other things. To me, an addiction is something that we knowingly do despite it having inherent negative consequences.

What's my addiction? It varies. When it comes down to it, most people would classify me as a sex addict. In the past, I turned to things like pornography, masturbation, or crossing lines sexually with others despite their obvious negative consequences. Short history: I mainly started with bad TV shows and lighter things online while in high school, then in college it progressed to the worse habits. Wow, that was short. Good. While I was an actively practicing addict, I saw that as my only problem. I constantly told myself, "if I could JUST stop acting out, then I would be completely fine." Well, as I've stopped acting out, I've found that those actions were not my problem, my problems stemmed much deeper than that. Maybe I'll go more into them later, maybe I won't, but I feel that my main real problems stemmed from an inability to cope with reality. Reality makes me sad. Reality makes me feel inadequate. Reality is difficult. If I could avoid reality or find something that helps me forget reality and feel good, even for just a moment, then I did it. And I did. Perhaps there are other things to it, but that was the main thing that I have discovered so far.

Growing up, I really liked girls. I had crushes when I was a boy and girlfriends since I was an early teenager. I also liked to look at girls. What's wrong with that? Let's be honest, who doesn't? Women's bodies are very beautiful, much better looking than men. There actually isn't anything wrong with that. It would be lying and unhealthy to deny it. The wrong thing was that I developed a habit of looking at anyone and everyone around me for the excitement of it. In short, I developed a habit of objectifying women, and fed that habit for years. The first thing I would think of when I saw a girl was how pretty she was and what kind of body she has. I would also let my thoughts go wherever they wanted in this whole process too, developing an addiction to lust. Why I went into that, I don't know, perhaps because that's been one of the hardest things to deal with currently.

Currently, I am doing pretty well. I have been through steps 1-10 of a program like alcoholics anonymous. I haven't "acted out" in over a year by normal standard, and haven't acted out by my standard in a little over 9 months. Still early but hopeful. I am being honest with my wife about things, although it took a while. I notice small poor decisions that I make each day and discuss them with my wife and God and do what is necessary to fix them. I make an effort each day to connect with God as I know Him and ask for His help and protection each day. My current focus is consistency. My current difficulty is developing healthy views on sexuality and stopping the habit that I have of objectifying the women around me. Throughout this blog, I will talk about things past and present and hopefully be able to identify lessons learned throughout the process and draw strength from the experiences I have had.

Here's to making good decisions, one day at a time...