Step by step

Here's a post about the LDS 12-step program. Ready? Let's go. Sorry for the awkward start. That's kind of what I thought in my head so that's how I started. And no, I was never a cheerleader. Officially.

The LDS 12-step program, based on the Alcoholics Anonymous steps, is the tool that helped me find God again in my life and finally break the cycle of acting out. It helped me learn basically every really important lesson I've learned thus far on my way to recovery.

Many people work the steps, but not everyone works them correctly. I'm not saying I know exactly how to work them or how they should be taken, but I have learned some really important lessons about working the steps that I wish I knew when I started and I wish everyone starting off could know about them. So, here they are in my apparent favorite - list form.

PS - know that any time I say "work the steps" I really mean "incorporate the gospel truths described by the step into your being."

1) Be thorough - Each step needs to be worked through thoroughly. Take your time. No need to rush. You've spent a long time developing this addiction, it's going to take a long time to get out. Accept it. Commit to it. Before I was willing to let go of my pride and attend a support group, I downloaded the booklet and worked through steps 1-8 or so on my own in a couple of months. I was going through the motions but still lacked the humility and commitment necessary to change. And I didn't.
The steps build on each other, so if the first few are rushed through, it could lead to future relapses due to a shaky foundation. We've all played that game with kids where we build a pyramid and have them pull out one of the blocks on the bottom row... if not, try it - you're in for a treat. I've been doing the program pretty actively since June 2010 and I'm still just only about to finish step 10. Some steps were done in a couple of weeks, others took me 4-6 months to finish. The next lesson builds on this, so here it goes...

2) Be painfully honest - Lies are the life-blood of addiction. The lies we tell ourselves and others about God, life, relationships, ourselves, etc slowly pervert our core beliefs and become a part of us. The steps are difficult and should take a while to work through because we need to unlearn those lies, and relearn truths. But it's more than unlearn and relearn - it's unbecome and rebecome. Less like repainting the interior so it looks good and more like tearing down the house and rebuilding it correctly from scratch because let's face it - our pipes and wires are all crossed.
Throughout the steps, you will need to let go of pride and admit things you've never admitted, and mean it. You will need to assess what you really believe about God and what false beliefs you have developed about Him. You'll relive everything you've done to hurt yourself and others. You'll need to search deep - really deep - and discover painful things about yourself that have been hidden and numbed by the addiction, and then you'll need to learn to rely on God as you approach them head on. Honesty is key in the whole process. In curing cancer, you can't just wipe out the metastases - you've also got to get to main tumors producing them otherwise they'll just grow back after a short period without symptoms. That being said...

3) You don't have to be perfect to move past a step - There's a character trait that we are all familiar with - perfectionism. I'm astounded how I hear time and again in group, "I'm a perfectionist... so everything has to be" etc etc. We need to be careful not to let the pendulum sway too far to the other end and get frustrated from being stuck on a step for too long because we haven't done it perfectly and we're not "done" with it. It's ok. You're never "done" with the steps. :) (see below)
What was important for me about each step was that I 1) analyzed and honestly assessed where I was with regards to the step, 2) discovered what truths I needed to incorporate into myself from that step, 3) had successful incorporated those truths, and 4) was willing to keep working at it while I moved on to the next step. Oh, and 5) I prayed and told God I felt was ready to move on to the next step and I felt His approval.
For example:
Step 1: Am I 100% honest? No, but I'm close. I don't lie about big things anymore. I don't hide things. When I lie about little things instinctively, I catch myself quickly and fix it asap.
Step 2: Do I have a perfect faith in God all the time? No. But I believe in Him and really believe that He can get me out of this. And I'm willing to trust Him.
Step 3: Do I always seek God's will? You guessed it - nope. But I try to and I have habits in place that help me catch it when I get into a self-seeking mode.
Step 7: Am I character-weakness-free? Nope, still got 'em. But I have asked God to take them away and am doing my best to turn them over to Him instead of trying to deal with them myself.

4) There is no such thing as being "done" with a step - The steps were not meant to be checked off. They are meant to be incorporated into our being, and must be if they are to have lasting effects. They aren't a path to a finish line but a ladder out of a hole. When you are trying to decide whether or not to move on from one step to the next, ponder carefully how you will continue working on that step and whether or not it is a part of you. When you've moved on to another step, ponder frequently (daily, ideally) whether or not you have been true to the things you have learned. Analyze each day whether or not you put on each piece of armor you have worked so hard to learn about and incorporate. Why? Because then you can tell if you have "relapsed" one of the steps before you fully "relapse" in your addiction.
This blew me away. I used to think I was in an inevitable cycle of relapsing - I'd relapse, have motivation to change, work really hard, then get complacent, the motivation would leave until I relapsed again, and so on. I felt no sense of urgency until I'd fallen. But when I began to see myself "relapsing" in various steps (such as not being honest, relying on myself, seeking my own will), then that became my definition of relapse. I didn't need a full relapse to regain that motivation - all I needed was to start to lose my footing in the steps and the urgency came back. I'll write more about this one later cause it was a HUGE realization for me.

So, those are the 4 biggest lessons I've learned from my 2+ years of working the steps. This was a great review for me as I looked back at the steps I've incorporated to myself, and I hope it helps some of you as you seek to apply and live the gospel truths from the steps.