Quick post today about negative thoughts and feelings.
So much of my getting out of the cycle of addiction was realizing the imperceptible steps and decisions that occur between Point A (feeling great) to Point B (acting out). The points seemed so close together and so blurred in the past. It seemed like I had no control over things and they "just happened." Upon further examination, everyone will find that there are numerous little decisions along the way that we make that lead us to point B.
A big one for me is how I approach negative thoughts and feelings. I frequently have one of many of the following feelings: guilt, anxiety, depression, anger, fear, frustration, self-pity, stress... etc. We all do. Because we were not sure how to healthily deal with these feelings, we turned to addiction. Even now I sometimes catch myself just 'squeaking through' these times, relying on myself, or even ignoring that the feelings exist, hoping they will just go away. Whether or not they do go away, they haven't been properly dealt with, and they slowly build up.
I am working today to turn to God and Jesus Christ with my negative thoughts and feelings - to take multiple 'time outs' during the day where I assess what's happening, apply principles I've learned from steps, and ask God to give me peace and teach me what to do. If I rely on myself to deal with these feelings, who's to stop me from relying on myself when strong temptations come? I must be willing to turn over everything to God, even the small things that I feel like I can deal with on my own.
That's what I'm doing today for my recovery. Tomorrow I'll be doing the same. Habits take a while to make and break. :) May we all find success as we actively work to accomplish our goals.
Love this! Great points! I actually like to look at it more as point A and point Z. Because like you said there is A LOT that happens inbetween the two for Z to eventually occur. The Pride Cycle for one. That's what starts it. I like to map my cycles. When I struggle I'll spend some time and look back over the prior days or weeks and figure out what went wrong. Once I figure it out I fix it. If I find nothing then I chalk it up to the Lord letting the winds blow on my branches to strengthen my roots and I work to sink closer to my Savior. Mapping my cycles has been key to my recovery.
ReplyDeleteGreat insight! It really is more like A to Z than A to B. I'll start using that now if you don't mind.
ReplyDeleteAlso update:
My goal went well. I was able to take 2 specific time outs where I was feeling particularly 'negative' yesterday (usually depressed or frustrated). I was able to apply the principles from steps 1-7 and eventually feel peace about them. Didn't feel peace instantly, that's rarely how it is for me... but after a while I forgot that I was having those feelings.
In another case I did the same thing, but the feelings came back later - it's harder to remember to take a time out the second time because I feel we already did, or that God just didn't help me that time etc. I guess those are the most important times where I can really show my sincerity and reliance on Him. Anyway, here's to another day.
I've been a codependent (more like a girl addicted to shame) since my childhood. Only recently did I realize the value of leaning into the pain enough to learn what my feelings were telling me. I've felt so much shame for feeling negative things that I've tried to serve/work myself out of them, to try to 'prove' that I'm not a bad person. (So work/service has been a sort of addiction for me...that's the codependent in me.) Anyway, it has helped to stop and listen -- not to seek peace first and foremost, but first to seek for insight into why I'm hurting because then I know what it is I need to turn over to God and seek His help with.
ReplyDeleteAn example: One Sunday morning I was snippy with my family. I couldn't figure out why, until I realized that my son had made a decision that left me worrying about what people might think about me as a mom (it was a simple little thing, but since my codependency includes trying to manage others' perceptions of me, it's not really little in my world of recovery). I took a step back from the snippiness to listen to what was going on inside of me and I realized, "Oh, I'm afraid of what others will think and I'm taking it out on my family." I still had to work steps to turn it over, but it was so powerful to know what it was I had to turn over, rather than do the cycle of "keep acting snippy and then feel shame and then be more snippy because i feel awful about being snippy but don't know quite how to stop because I hurt but don't know why so I keep being snippy."
You get the picture.
I agree - I'm trying to look back and see how well I do this or not.
DeleteRecently I think the hardest thing for me is to not feel incredibly depressed when my wife feels sad because of something I've done. Many times I feel sad because she is sad and then begin to have self-pity and think I'll never amount to anything and that I am simply a bad husband/person because I have made poor decisions to make my wife unhappy, a vicious cycle.
My reaction time is slower than it needs to be, but I can usually recognize this, and try to feel sad only for my poor decisions and have a healthy level of empathy with my wife. But it wavers significantly and I sometimes feel myself get frustrated with myself and even her (yet another negative feeling to deal with). I guess I struggle with being patient and supportive without becoming frustrated and depressed. I still have a lot of work and learning to do in this area.
Anyway, I think sometimes I just have a hard time finding the balance of how I should feel sometimes, but the point is at least that I'm realizing it and I need to make efforts to realize it earlier - the 12 step book outlines this process a little bit when it talks about:
1) recognize the negative feelings we have
2) realize what character weakness is at the source of these feelings (afraid of what others will think, in your case. In my case, perfectionism and fear).
3) turn our character weaknesses over to God
Thanks for your comments