Good decisions

The reason I titled my blog, "good decisions, one day at a time" is because it is something that my wife has helped me to focus on over the last little while as we have struggled to face this challenge together (and also because the acronym gdodaat of looks like "go do dat," but that was just coincidental). 

One of the great myths of addiction is that the addicted doesn't have a choice. I feel, however, that there is a time where we don't have a choice - which I'll discuss later. As Spiderman 3 teaches us, "Whatever comes our way... whatever battle is raging inside us, we always have a choice. My friend Harry taught me that. He chose to be the best of himself. It’s the choices that make us what we are... and we can always choose to do what's right." Horrible movie, great lesson. Prior to acting out, there is a series of choices that everyone makes. These choices are typically selfish in nature and involve the phrase, "I'm going to do what I want to do." These decisions fill me with self-pride, and then I think I am above rules. Then I allow myself to break small rules I have set, telling myself that I am above it or that I am strong enough, or also that I'll only go so far and then stop. 

Many addicts, including myself, feel like they are not in control when they are acting out, like they are watching a movie of themselves, or that something takes control of them until they snap out of it. I fully believe this is true. I believe that I have gotten to a point many many times where I did not have a choice. That sounds incorrect at first, doesn't it? It seems like that's what addicts say to avoid accountability, and some do abuse this saying. The fact is, however, that the only time when we don't have a choice is when we've decided to give up our will to choose. For example, if I'm on a cliff and see the raging ocean below and decide to dive in, I can't decide half way down that I don't want to land in the water and drown. The decision came when I decided to jump. I feel like this is a really sensitive issue, but I honestly feel there were many times that I decided to jump and once I had, there was no turning back no matter what I did. I feel like I gave up my ability to choose to satan, and he led me about as he would.

And so we arrive finally at my point once again - there is always a choice (thanks Peter Parker). Addicts need to avoid the illusion that something "just happened" without them even realizing it. The decisions can be subtle, but very important. It could be deciding to play a video game instead of doing what we should be doing. It could be not doing a spiritual study in the morning and instead watching sports. It could be lying to someone to avoid a consequence. It could be allowing oneself to get angry while driving. It could be deciding to isolate yourself when feeling sad rather than reaching out for help and to help. These are the decisions that make up our day - deciding between what we should do and what we want to do. Ideally those two things would be one and the same, but in an addict's mind those two things are very much skewed. So here we go, making good decisions one day at a time. Here is a list of good decisions I'm going to make:

1) I'm going to read my scriptures before doing other things I want to do.
2) I'm going to decide to be happy because I am making good decisions.
3) I'm going to do a variety of things instead of just sitting around and watching TV (It's my day off).
4) I'm not going to surf on the internet - I will only use it for things that are completely necessary or to watch a show or two (a rule that my wife and I have).
5) I'm going to follow my conscience. If it tells me that I should take that shopping cart in instead of leaving it in the parking lot next to my car, then I'll do it (which happened yesterday).
6) I'm going to tell the truth and I will not exaggerate stories (it seems that ever since I was little I would add or subtract 2 or 3 to every story I told for more effect). 

Someone else could do all these things and probably be completely fine with their day. But this is my cross to bear, and as such I will do what is necessary to make good decisions. Through this, I know I will win this battle that has been raging inside me, and good decisions will help me finally become something that I haven't felt like in years - good.