The only way to break the cycle

I've been meaning to post about God's role in my recovery, but it seems that whatever I say will be inadequate and I won't ever really be able to fully describe God's role in my recovery - let's see if I can't prove myself wrong.

Before I began attending a recovery group, I honestly felt I was relying on God - and I honestly felt He was ignoring me. I began fully acting out when I was 21 and it would occur every 3 months or so. I would feel awful every time and swear every time was the last time, only to fall once again. Like all addicts, the period of time between relapses slowly shrank over the span of a few years until I was unable to make it beyond a week's time. Like most, I felt absolutely horrible shortly after each relapse. I would analyze why it happened and find the elusive "thing" that I would change that would somehow enable me to escape its clutches next time. But when it came down to decision time, all of a sudden any resolve I had to do what was right was gone - as if I were two completely different people.

I prayed. I prayed for God to help. I pleaded for God to take it away. I cried for some escape. I prayed for strength to do what was right. I spoke with bishops. I went to the temple when I felt I could. I read scriptures and went to church... but somehow God's help eluded me, and I only found myself spiraling deeper and deeper into addiction despite my efforts. Why wouldn't God help me? That is the question I asked my self constantly, and the question that caused my faith in God and my hope for a better life to diminish ever smaller each time I fell.

Well.... why? Looking back, clearly the problem wasn't that God wouldn't help me. Of course he would. It goes much deeper than that, although Satan would LOVE for me to believe just that, and I did. Anyway, I have a lot of theories as to why, but here are the top 3, and how they changed after attending group and working through the 12-step program: (ps: I realize that recovery group isn't what changed me, it is the principles of the gospel that I learned by working through the 12-step program that are changing me, it's just easier to abbreviate as group. So when I say "group," know that's what I mean.)

1) I failed to swallow my pride. 
pre-group: I was never willing to admit I couldn't do it. After each relapse, I told myself - "ok, all I need to do is ____ next time, and I won't act out. I got this." I was looking for the magic quick fix and felt that I could figure it out and do it. I refused to let go of my pride. I also was unwilling to talk to anyone about it except for bishops. I refused to reach out to others, which so often is God's tool in helping us out. Addiction drives us to isolation and secrecy where it can thrive.
post-group: Now I know that "I got this" is the devil's opportunity statement. I always thought that somehow I'd be able to get myself out, and in my pride I was unwilling to admit that I couldn't. The 12-step program helped me see that I was, and am, powerless to overcome my addiction on my own. I learned that recovery based on physical principles will always be temporary. It must be build on spiritual principles. Filters, accountability software, breaking my computer (yes), the rules I set for myself, and even scripture study are only as good as the foundation they are built upon. My foundation is now my relationship with God, and it needs to stay that way if I am to continue.

2) I failed to recognize the roots of my addiction. 
pre-group: I thought the problem was the addiction. I constantly thought, "If I could just stop acting out, I could really go somewhere in life." I failed, and in part, refused to look deeper at the roots of why I act out, and why I turn to the addiction. And even if I did, I would try and fix it myself and then cry to God spasmodically when things had gone (or were about to go) awry.
postgroup: I've pondered and realized the reasons of why I turned to the addiction in the first place: to avoid pain. It sounds insane, doesn't it? Acting in addiction to avoid pain. Insanity, right? Right. But the temporary numbness that acting out brought was apparently worth it to me until I actually became addicted to it. I realized my tendency toward self-pity, avoiding reality, self-indulgence, depression, anxiety, and pride and how I used my addiction as a way of dealing or expressing those tendencies. Just as important, I realized that I can't deal with those tendencies on my own. I now know that I must turn to God with those negative thoughts and feelings and deal with them in a healthy manner through Him and through the gospel of Christ. If I turn to myself to deal with those feelings, I eventually turn to the addiction.

3) I had unrealistic expectations for how God would help me.
pre-group: I thought that if I prayed for help in a time of need, then God should take away the desire to act out. I felt that God would work a miracle in my case and that if I asked sincerely enough, He would just take away the desires to act out and rid my life of addiction. But the desires were still there, and I felt that because the 2 things I just talked about didn't happen that God had left me alone and had not answered my prayer.
post-group: I have learned that God usually wouldn't help me as much as I want, but he will ALWAYS help me as much as I need. God always provides an escape to the humble seeker of a way out. Each time I pray for help, He gives me a way out. Most times, I don't feel an incredible difference after praying. It's not like all of a sudden I'm energized and am become super-Nate. But if I pray and seek God's will and then do it, I ALWAYS find myself somehow sober at the end of the day. Like the last rep of a bench-press set. I've done as much as I can, I can't lift another one, I know that. But I can put all my strength into it and if the spotter (who wants me to get stronger) lifts just enough with even just one finger, the bar will go up. That's what God's help is to me. Perhaps one day I'll post as to why God didn't just take it away or take away the desire when I asked Him. He does things this way for a reason.

Anyway, this is the way that I believe God helps me. I now make an honest effort to connect with God each morning, and when I feel any negative feelings, I do my best to seek God and turn the feelings over to Him. I do the same with temptation. I know my limitations and plead with God for an escape when I feel the SLIGHTEST inkling in the wrong direction. We all know steps in that direction. Granted: I am still struggling with many things in the wake of my addiction - I'm by no means out of the clear even though I've stopped officially "acting out." This post was mainly about how to break the cycle and begin to see some hope and light. I've still got a looooong way to go.

Sorry for the length.