Hi everyone. Or no one. This could be the only post I ever make in this, or it could be the first of hundreds of posts, depending on... well, if I'm motivated enough, if I feel it's doing anything, or who knows what else. Before I get more than 2 sentences in, however, I'd like to say one thing: I am not a fantastic writer. Or a funny one like other bloggers. I am simply going to write what comes to mind as if I were talking to some unknown person out there realizing that no one will probably ever really read this, which is fine by me - because the point of this blog is to have a record and help me sort through thoughts and feelings in my road to recovery from addiction.
Addiction?! Yes. Addiction. That makes me a horrible person, right? Growing up, the only time I heard about people having addictions was to drugs, and they were bad people who I wasn't supposed to talk to. But now I'm the 'bad person' that I always thought of, and my drug is different than conventional, but very much a drug indeed. That was a hard thing to get over, and has helped me to not judge others. Addictions are more common than one would think. You probably even have one of some sort. The severity and obviousness of them tends to vary, but I believe that each of us in some way or another has an addiction. It could be an addiction to drugs, sex, gambling, or alcohol like the classic ones, or it could be more subtle, like an addiction to anger, lust, sadness, pity parties, overeating, television, video games, the internet, laziness, judging others, or a variety of other things. To me, an addiction is something that we knowingly do despite it having inherent negative consequences.
What's my addiction? It varies. When it comes down to it, most people would classify me as a sex addict. In the past, I turned to things like pornography, masturbation, or crossing lines sexually with others despite their obvious negative consequences. Short history: I mainly started with bad TV shows and lighter things online while in high school, then in college it progressed to the worse habits. Wow, that was short. Good. While I was an actively practicing addict, I saw that as my only problem. I constantly told myself, "if I could JUST stop acting out, then I would be completely fine." Well, as I've stopped acting out, I've found that those actions were not my problem, my problems stemmed much deeper than that. Maybe I'll go more into them later, maybe I won't, but I feel that my main real problems stemmed from an inability to cope with reality. Reality makes me sad. Reality makes me feel inadequate. Reality is difficult. If I could avoid reality or find something that helps me forget reality and feel good, even for just a moment, then I did it. And I did. Perhaps there are other things to it, but that was the main thing that I have discovered so far.
Growing up, I really liked girls. I had crushes when I was a boy and girlfriends since I was an early teenager. I also liked to look at girls. What's wrong with that? Let's be honest, who doesn't? Women's bodies are very beautiful, much better looking than men. There actually isn't anything wrong with that. It would be lying and unhealthy to deny it. The wrong thing was that I developed a habit of looking at anyone and everyone around me for the excitement of it. In short, I developed a habit of objectifying women, and fed that habit for years. The first thing I would think of when I saw a girl was how pretty she was and what kind of body she has. I would also let my thoughts go wherever they wanted in this whole process too, developing an addiction to lust. Why I went into that, I don't know, perhaps because that's been one of the hardest things to deal with currently.
Currently, I am doing pretty well. I have been through steps 1-10 of a program like alcoholics anonymous. I haven't "acted out" in over a year by normal standard, and haven't acted out by my standard in a little over 9 months. Still early but hopeful. I am being honest with my wife about things, although it took a while. I notice small poor decisions that I make each day and discuss them with my wife and God and do what is necessary to fix them. I make an effort each day to connect with God as I know Him and ask for His help and protection each day. My current focus is consistency. My current difficulty is developing healthy views on sexuality and stopping the habit that I have of objectifying the women around me. Throughout this blog, I will talk about things past and present and hopefully be able to identify lessons learned throughout the process and draw strength from the experiences I have had.
Here's to making good decisions, one day at a time...
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