Leave it buried

My next post was going to be focused on my belief in God and how He has helped me in recovery, but today I feel that I need to write about moving on. I'm at a point in my recovery where I feel I can move on. Now, moving on is an interesting concept in my mind. When I was actively practicing in my addiction, I used to pray and desire more than anything that it would just "go away" and that I wouldn't have to deal with it any more - that I'd "be done with it." Throughout the recovery process, I've realized that there is no such thing as being "done with it" in a way. Sure, I can be done with it in the sense that I no longer act on it and it no longer is a hindrance in my life. But I can't be done with it in the sense that I can just go back to life the way it was. Recovery is the assimilation of a variety of beliefs, traits, and actions built on the foundation of a belief in a higher being. It is a one way road, not a u-turn. Addiction is turning to things that numb the pains of life for a moment only to bring on greater pains. If I one day decide that I no longer wish to apply those beliefs, traits, and actions, then I will inevitably slip back into addiction. I've accepted that it is and will probably always be a part of me in that sense - just as if an alcoholic were to turn to drinking again as an escape from their stresses and problems would become addicted again.

But there is a way that I do need to move on, and that is to quit dwelling on and bringing up my past actions. What's happened has happened. I feel, and I feel that God feels, that I have done what is necessary to fix and make recompense for my poor (severe understatement) decisions. Now that I buried those actions, I need to quit going back and digging them up to satisfy a curiosity or obsessive need of mine to do more to make up for it. So many things in life work like a pendulum. We are on one side of the pendulum, realize we need to change, and go full throttle in the direction of change. In our efforts, often we completely miss the middle ground and end up completely on the other side before we realize it. I feel like this happened in so many ways with me. I had been taking short cut after short cut and rationalizing everything that in the process of trying to do what was right I didn't know where to stop.

So, as always, I've rambled and in that rambling perhaps caused you to miss my point. My point is that for me, the time to stop is now. I have done what is necessary to be done and move on. I will take my lessons with me that I have learned (for if I don't I will end up right where I began) and leave the dirt behind me. So I guess that's what moving on means - take the lessons learned, but leave the filth behind. Quit looking back and wondering if there was more to be done. Quit digging things back up. Quit re-opening closed wounds trying their best to heal.

Now move on with faith in your heart and start accomplishing all the things that the addiction held you back from. And remember, anytime I say you, I really mean me. This is just a way to think things through and record lessons learned.