Sponsors - how to get one, how to be one

The next thing about my on-going recovery that was/is absolutely essential in my opinion is a sponsor. There is absolutely no way I could've learned the things I needed to without my sponsor. I think my thoughts about this one would best be conveyed Q&A style. I will refer to my sponsor as "Dave."

PS - I don't really know that much about sponsors in general, I just know what I have experienced and that's what this is about. Other people with sponsors - feel free to comment and correct me if you feel I'm off on any points.

PPS – I also sent this to Dave and he put in a few comments of his own that helped me focus on the most important things sponsors did. They are in italics below.

What is a sponsor?

A sponsor (or "help person" as they are sometimes called in LDS meetings), is a person who has been through the 12-step program who then helps others to do the same. It is someone for you to be accountable to daily who really understands addiction. MOST OF ALL, it is someone who facilitates your journey to make a connection with our savior, Jesus Christ.

Who can be a sponsor?

I don't know the SA rules for who can be a sponsor and who can't, but as far as I know, anyone can be a sponsor who has the right experience. If you are working the 12 steps (which I HIGHLY suggest), you'll want someone that has been through the steps thoroughly so they can help you do the same. Sponsors should probably be actively working on their own recovery. Dave was the perfect sponsor for me because I felt he was so similar to me, just further down the road. He was recently married (I was single). He was a student. He had around 18 months of sobriety when we first started. And he had rigorously and thoroughly gone through the 12 steps. 

How can I get a sponsor?

Best way to get a sponsor is to attend a recovery meeting in your area and find someone that you feel meets the qualifications. If there aren't meetings available in your area, you could find one online through blogs. Also, your bishop may know of someone in the ward that has been through the program - he could ask them if they'd be willing to sponsor someone. The most important part is that you prayerfully select someone to be your sponsor. God will lead you to the right person. He led me to Dave. After you identify someone, ask them if they'd be willing to sponsor you, and then set a plan of how they will go about doing that. You could do something similar to ours

What did I do with my sponsor?

Dave told me straight up that having a sponsor is and should be very involved. It takes a big commitment from both sides. In addition to speaking to my sponsor every evening (average of 8 minutes. as short as 3, as long as you need), you should meet together face-to-face to discuss in detail where you are in the steps and to set goals as to how to move forward. Nightly follow ups should consist of a brutally honest inventory of the day as well as follow ups on goals that you are currently working on. Sponsors should not act like a parole officer - they are simply there to facilitate the process, not control it. Recovery is like gaining a testimony, you can't force someone to have it, you can't tell someone to have it - you can create an environment where they can choose whether or not they will experience it.  

Dave: “This is a great point.  People often times misunderstand how a sponsor works…For me it’s just that idea of connecting with Christ.  All sponsors should do is help you to make that connection for yourself.”

Can wives/loved ones have sponsors?

Yes! Dave's wife had a sponsor before he did and she said it made all the difference in her life. She is a currently a sponsor for other women and a facilitator at groups in their area. Women/loved ones need someone to talk through their feelings with. They need someone with that experience who they feel they can relate to. They need to not feel alone. They need someone to help them create an environment around them in which they can recover and heal. They need to work through the steps on their own to recognize and deal with their own personality flaws. 

How did my sponsor help me?

• Dave was perfect at helping me discover the things that God wanted me to do and then pushing me to do them.
• He didn't let me rely on him. He always always pointed me to God.

Dave: “This is along those same lines.   But I don’t think you can overstate this point.  IT IS ALL ABOUT CHRIST.  Sponsors just help you to connect with him.”

• If I didn't call for a few days, he waited for me to call. Then when I called we discussed why I didn't call.
• He wasn't afraid to ask the uncomfortable but necessary questions. If he felt I was minimizing or rationalizing something, he would call me out on it.
• He helped me see that things don’t just “happen.” There were always poor decisions I made along the way or feelings that I didn’t address that built up.
• If I was confused on how to work through a step, he would help me to think it through and come up with a solution. He provided timely, pertinent wisdom in times of need.
• He helped me fall to my knees after relapses instead of falling on my back. He was patient with me as I kept giving my trust to God and taking it back.
•  He helped me learn about myself as we looked at my actions and tendencies under a magnifying glass, and sometimes what felt like a microscope. 

In short - get a sponsor and make sure you are both clear of the role they should play! I hope one day to be a sponsor again. I was one for a few months but then was unable to continue because I felt I needed to put all my energy into my own recovery. I'm currently on step 10 of the program and will soon be moving on to step 11. Sorry, tangent. Sponsors. Get one. Done.