A hodgepodge of the last month

Hey team. It's been a little while. I wasn't able to make it to group this week so I told wifey I'd write in the good ol' blog to keep my mind recovery-focused, and of course I put it off till Sunday. Oh well, at least I'm here.

We actually just had a really intense conversation about things. Communication, weaknesses, our relationship, etc that didn't end fantastically so we're still processing that. The encouraging thing is that we were actually able to communicate. I didn't shut down. I was able to explain my feelings (more than before, at least), which are big improvements from our past conversations.

We're still less than 6 months from when things were really terrible, so emotions and still quite near the surface and easily provoked. Both of us are quick to react to things that for others might be instantly looked over or joked about. We're getting better though. We're quite different, her and I. Sometimes it makes things harder, and sometimes it makes things fabulous. I feel like instead of marrying someone like me I married someone who completes me, and I'm glad for that choice. That's the point of it all, I feel like. I like how the simplemarriage website guy refers marriage to a developmental boot camp. Not sure where he heard that from, but I agree.

Recovery has been pretty good for me. I'm at 23 months sober now, almost to the infamous 2 year mark. Acting out is rarely a temptation for me, but there are still troubling thoughts almost daily, typically about past actions I've done, sometimes temptations to do things I shouldn't. There have been a few resources with unblocked internet access in our home for the last little while that I really need to get cracking on. I haven't gotten close to acting out on them, but they just nag at me sometimes, when I feel down, and I don't like it.

My faith has been lower lately. Praying just hasn't seemed helpful, church has seemed almost like a bother. I just haven't been feeling very spiritual recently, which is something I need to do better at. Also, I am still technically on step 11, after 3 1/2 years of group. Been on it for almost a year now, mainly because I have a hard time seeking God's will and doing it, mainly the seeking part.

I don't have a lot of faith in getting revelation from God anymore for one reason or another, and I am afraid to try it again. I'm afraid because I feel like I won't get anything and faith will get even lower. Isn't that silly? But that's how I feel.

Aside from those things, life is pretty much the same for us. Wifey has found a couple things that she is really passionate about, and I love that. I think that's important for everyone, but wives in particular. She's crazy busy though with all the things she's doing - we keep waiting for things to slow down but they don't seem to.

Mile A Day - 2014 is going great, so far I'm 100%, even randomly ran a 10k on Friday, which I'd never done. Wifey runs with me whenever I ask, which is nice of her. My bro-in-law in UT is doing the challenge too and hasn't missed a day despite the terribly cold weather. I'm thankful for him too. My knee is hurting though each time, but I already decided last year that even if I had to be in a wheel chair I'd wheel a mile a day - it's going to happen. I need the extra integrity, resolve, and self-mastery... and health. :)

Hope all is well to my fellow friends seeking recovery. I never dreamed that I'd be able to get through a Christmas break without sweating about a relapse. I'm grateful to God for His helping me to finally start to see the change I had been seeking for so long. I am committed to moving forward and resolving to follow the feelings that tell me what to do or not to do, which I believe are inspired by God. Good luck and keep in touch.