So it's been a long two weeks without the wife. She's visiting her family while I study all day every day preparing for the boards (or at least try to and feel guilty when I don't), which I take in 9 days... ugh... On that note I took a practice test today that estimates your score. I took a similar one about 3.5 weeks ago. And the non-stop studying, reading, cramming for the last 3.5 weeks got me an increase of 2 points between the two tests. Yahoo. I figure I'm just learning things as fast as I'm forgetting things... but hey, I'm doing my best.
Sobriety is still going great. There have been a couple days when temptations were harder, but overall I haven't been tempted that greatly to act out. Most of the time I think it was a mistake to send my wife up with her family because I wish she was her so much - it's really boring, lonely, and monotonous without her. I think I really take for granted the constant support that I feel from her. And you can't beat her food.
While it really stinks not having her here, the silver lining is that I have this time to refine myself. I have this unique period of trial where it's just me and my computer and books all day with nothing else on the agenda for the most part. This is a huge opportunity for growth and practice making the right decisions in tough situations, I really feel like when hard times come in the future I'll be able to look back at this time and draw strength. It's also given me a lot of time to ponder and reflect on my life and myself and to focus on some of my key weaknesses with my counselor.
Things I am currently doing to stay in sobriety:
I attend LDS 12-step meetings weekly. Just hit my 3 year mark of attending meetings. Crazy.
I have a daily personal study.
If I have harder temptations I get on my knees and surrender them to God and seek His will.
I have a nightly followup with my wife where I tell her about my day.
I try to control my thoughts and recognize when they are out of sync with spiritual things.
I am keen to realize and reject little lies and justifications that satan tries to get me to do.
One thing I could do better is surrendering my negative thoughts and feelings to God. My diligence in this goes up and down with this, and it's down currently. I need to remember how important it is to seek God's help and peace as I struggle with my personal weaknesses and with my negative thoughts and feelings. I'll try that for the next little while.
Aside from all that I feel ok. I'm certainly stressed and burned out. I feel it constantly. I'm emotionally and mentally drained. I don't feel like eating hardly ever. BUT I'm pushing through. I'm trying to do things I enjoy and seek out God for peace. And I bought myself a half gallon of chocolate milk which I secretly love, so life is certainly looking up. :) I've known this would be a rough month since I started med school 2 years ago, and now that it's here I'm not surprised - just gotta push through it and continue in diligence. Giddy up.
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