Getting real with God

I've been steadily working through the 12 steps since June of 2010 and am currently on step 11. Honestly I'm finding it hard to complete. Each morning I think about the need to have a really solid personal study in which I diligently search the scriptures, seek the Lord's will, and obtain personal revelation for my life... and each morning it makes me feel anxious.

I asked myself why this morning, and couldn't come to any particular reason.

It could just be that I'm lazy and feel anxious about putting the kind of work it takes to have that great of a study. Either way, I got on my knees and told those feelings very honestly to God and asked for help, and opened up the new testament and read for 15-20 minutes. I didn't take notes. I didn't ask questions. I didn't really seek God's will much... but at least I opened the scriptures and read... it's a good start.

BUT it did at least get me thinking about step 11, which is an improvement. It just seems that whenever I "get real" with God that good things happen in subtle (and sometimes obvious) ways.

I've kind of been at this point for a while I'll have about 1/10 days where I have a better study, then the other 9 are just kind of going through motions or doing it because I know I have to.

I need to remember, the point of personal study is to connect with God and learn His will. That doesn't happen on the days I do it just to do it... those days I grow in obedience and duty but that's about it - which is good, but if I am to incorporate step 11 into my life, it will not suffice.

Why is it SO HARD to just do the things we need to do??? It seems like it should be such an easy thing.

I guess my next goals need to be just that - to do what it takes to have a good personal study each day, and to seek God's will both in the morning and throughout the day. That's what step 11 will be for me. I've struggled putting forth the effort necessary to apply it and have settled on good when I could have better or best.

I know I'll need extra strength to accomplish this and pray that God will be by my side and give me the strength I lack. And I'll also ask my wonderful wife to help me and remind me.

On a side note, I want to get to the point where I am good at helping my wife accomplish goals she wants to do. I want to help her fly. That's a quality I want to learn. The end.