Feeling happy*

I've been experiencing some feelings recently that I'd like to post about quickly. Things are kind of looking up for me and my wife recently - not that we're out of the clear or that everything is fine and dandy, we've still got a LOT of work to do - but I honestly feel that I've made some real progress and have found the way out. I feel that if I simply keep going with the principles I've learned, then we'll never have to look back. I'll still have character weaknesses and so will she, but we'll never have to be as low as we have been. Things are looking up.

But at the same time - I feel scared. I feel myself starting to be happy with our marriage and who I am, but those feelings of happiness are fleeting and interrupted with feelings of anxiety. How many times have I felt "things are looking up," only to have some other thing from my past come back to haunt us, or to realize another lie that needs to be brought to the surface? (FYI that's been my main problem for the last 10 months. I haven't even begun to seek out anything for that whole time, but honesty has still proven to be a difficult thing for me, and I had lied to my wife so many times before that it has necessitated some serious damage control - and unfortunately it didn't all come out at once.) Answer: a lot. I feel like when I was indulging in addiction and would say, "Last time is the last time" every single time, only to fall a short time later. And so, I am apprehensive when I start to feel happy - because it has happened so many times before that just when things start to feel normal something comes to the surface to bring it all crashing down.

But at the same time - there can be a last time. Last time can indeed be my last time. I have full confidence in God and in Christ's gospel that if I continue on this road last time can be my last time. That feels incredible to say - and actually believe it. I have learned honesty the hard way and understand how important it is. I still have tendencies towards dishonesty, but have learned to recognize early if I start to fudge the truth, and I fix it now. I've never done that before in my life.

Perhaps things really are looking up. I'd like to think they are. I'd like to just feel happy and not have an asterisk by it. I suppose that will come with time - but until then I gotta keep up everything I've learned.