Lesson 3 - Honesty

Lesson 3: Honesty is #1

I keep putting off writing some of these because I keep thinking I don't have enough time to write everything I want to... so I'm just going to write a little about honesty.

First of all, I've done a post on it before here. I went into lots of lies I used to believe, the truth about them, why I used to lie, and other stuff.

I just want to reiterate a few main points that I hope to always remember, and I think about frequently now.

Honesty is #1 for a few reasons: it is the first step. It is the #1 important thing in my marriage and my recovery. It would also the #1 thing to go if I were to sink back into addiction and is therefore satan's #1 area of attack on me.

I've come to find that the biggest mistake I can possibly make isn't acting out, but lying about acting out. It is the lying that enables the action and gives it the environment it needs to thrive, yet it is almost always the jerk reaction. We trick ourselves into thinking we got away with it, or that it isn't severe enough to talk about. OR worst of all (and most common of all), we hide it because we fear it would devastate our loved ones. Well, guess what? It already devastated them the moment we acted out. Not telling them only magnifies the devastation. When we do this, we don't see the natural consequences of our actions, and our brain remembers that.

I've also realized that if I'm to be honest with my addiction, I've got to be honest in ALL areas of my life. In my words with people around me, in my dealings at school, in my character, with traffic laws, with littering, and with home rules (not drinking out of the milk carton, not wearing shoes outside the no-shoes zone, checking every single lock before we go to bed at night, even if I'm sure they're locked - and I think about not doing these often!). Any short cut or deviation from the truth is a hit to my sobriety. If I say I will do something, I must do it. If I know I am supposed to do something, I just have to do it. If I do not, then I move a bit into the area where I feel I can get away with things, and lose a measure of integrity. If I'm honest in the little things, I'll be honest in the big things.

I've done SO much better with this over the last 5 months. Before that, it was really bad, and quite hard. I was an incredible liar, and I hardly knew it. My wife and I had a lot of hard nights as I learned to tell the truth. Many times, I had to go back a second time quickly on what I said, because my instinct was just to lie and I'd have to fix it. Often I'd have to back a 3rd, and even a 4th time and fix the half-lies I'd tell, and the details I'd lie about. I even had an experience the other day where I had not told my wife the truth about a certain thing, and upon realizing it went and told her of my error. I instinctively told her something wrong about when I realized I had lied because it sounded better. I realized that I did this, so a few minutes later I told her I did not tell her the right time when I realized I had lied. It seems so silly and ridiculous. Anyway, we went through that routine so many times I honestly feel sick when I have something that I feel I need to tell my wife and haven't yet. I can't not do it.

I have committed to myself that I will tell my wife (and bishop, if necessary) any time I make a decision that leads me anywhere near that direction. Not just when I act out, but when I make ANY decision contrary to recovery. We have nightly follow ups at night where I tell her if I made any poor decisions that day. Often I didn't. Sometimes I report that temptations were pretty high at a certain time and what I did to fight them. Sometimes I talk about bad decisions I made while driving.

Today, I have done well - except for a time when I dropped a napkin outside my car in a parking lot because I was getting ready to take lunch for my wife. I was going to pick it up, but it had blown out of my site. I felt maybe I should get out of my car and try to find it, but didn't. I probably should have. I guess I'll go there now and pick up some trash to make up for it. And tell my wife about it tonight.