My syndrome

Sobriety is going well still. Nothing even close to an issue in a long while. Like I mentioned previously, the main struggle now becomes dealing with my skewed view of relationships and sexuality. Those views have taken a great toll on my relationship with my wife and on her personally in many ways. I don't have time to really go into things 100% now, but the gist of it is that I very much fell victim to "the centerfold syndrome," as one author calls it.

It's a book about male sexuality and how messed up it has become due to various societal and environmental pressures and tendencies. I don't love the book all the way through - it's got a lot of parts I wouldn't have included and some parts that I straight up skipped (because it includes direct dialogue from a men's group he was helping sort through these issues), but the overall message is something I needed.

The overall message is that a great number of men are suffering from this syndrome, comprised of 5 things:

1. Voyeurism — an obsession with visual stimulation that trivializes all other features of a healthy relationship.
2. Objectification of women — an obsessive focus on body parts and the rating of women by size and shape.
3. Sex for masculinity validation — having one’s manliness and self-worth tied up in one’s sexual prowess.
4. Trophyism — treating women as collectibles and property.
5. Fear of intimacy — Fear of a real relationship and what risks and requirements are involved with having a relationship with a real woman instead of a fake one. 

If you're like me, then as you read through this list you were like, "yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah... and yeah." This was me to a T. The word 'obsessive' is particularly accurate. It's natural to notice beauty in others. Who doesn't? The problem is I and other men that suffer from this syndrome have been taking it to a higher level. 

I read the book once and plan on going back through the 'how to' section again and really apply it... but just reading through it has really helped me. The thing that has been the hardest for me in this realm is actually just realizing that these views are WRONG. They're crazy. They are anti-truth. They are, like a porn addiction, complete insanity.  However, because I validated and believed nothing was wrong with these beliefs for so many years, I have been giving weight to them and taking them into rational consideration. I never realized the level that I had objectified women to. 

Anyway, I read through the book and have been doing my best to catch myself when my thoughts go down those paths. I try to catch myself when I start thinking about these things, because the big problems happen when I give weight to them and believe them. 

Anyway, I've been really trying to do that recently and have been met with a decent amount of success! I'm a bit more able to look at women as real people (that sounds horrible, but it's kind of where I am). I have been able to talk myself through difficult situations. I have been able to see and appreciate my wife for who she really is, appreciate the qualities she possesses, and feel great love for her and hope for our future. That's been the biggest reward so far for sure. Got a waaaays go to, but now I know a big enemy, how it attacks me, and how to deal with it. 

Anyway, still learning about these things and it's still early, but it's been nice to make a little progress. Confidence is still a huge issue for me. I've messed up so many times in the past and done things wrong so many times that I have lost all trust and confidence in myself. I'm gaining it back. I'm learning that God has and will help me. It's hard sometimes. I just hope that we can finally start to move on. It seems that once we untie one knot there lies one just as big underneath it, or knots we thought we untied are still tied. I feel a lot of hope though. It actually finally feels doable.