Driving stick shift

Haven't blogged in a while... when things are going well I seem to blog less so I guess that's a good thing. And things have been going really well, which I love.

Anyway, one topic I wanted to write about that is important to recovery that I realized again last week. My car was in the shop getting a free paint job (who loves factory recalls? I do), and so we had to make due with just one car between the two of us. Sounds simple right? Except for my wife's car is a stick shift and mine is automatic... and I have never learned to drive stick, despite being taught a few different times. And despite my wife wanting me to learn since we were dating.

So the day after I dropped my car off, my wife wanted me to practice driving the stick, and I kept finding one excuse or another not to do it. "I'll do it after (insert event)." "It's too dark right now." etc. There's always an excuse. Plus in the back of my mind was the fact that I'd just be too embarrassed to have my wife or the other people on the road see me shift too early, shift too late, shift to wrong gear, not push clutch in far enough, keeping clutch in too long, think I'm in reverse but actually I'm in first, and kill it in our garage, in parking lots, at stop lights, and sometimes in the middle of the road (all of which happened at some time).

Anyway, it got to the point where I needed to use it, and she wouldn't be there. One of the young men in our ward and I were taking sacrament to some elderly folks. So I picked him up and we went. It was a bumpy ride full of mistakes, but by the end I had at least had some minor successes. After that I had to drive the car to work each day about 20 min away. Lots of mistakes along the way, but by the end of a few days without my car I could drive a stick pretty smoothly, and I was pumped to show wifey.

She didn't trust me at first and actually wouldn't let me drive a few times after because it would make her nervous, but one time she let me and was pleasantly surprised at my progress at the stick driving. Now I can drive both cars no problem.

So anyway, I feel like this little ordeal of mine exhibited a lot of truths I've experienced in recovery. I'll put em in list form cause that's easiest for me.

1. Don't be afraid of looking stupid - This is honestly what kept me from learning stick all these years. I didn't want to look stupid to other strangers on the road. I didn't want people to see the idiot that killed their car thinking it would be a nervous 16 yo girl and then seeing me. In recovery, I had a really hard time letting go of my pride and letting others know about my struggles. It took a few years before I was willing to go to group, talk to family members, friends, etc and am still working on it. I know I'm making lots of progress though as I care less about what other people think of me and more about what matters.

2. Don't be afraid to make mistakes - another reason why I never learned stick is because I knew I would make mistakes while learning, and I hated that. I don't like making mistakes because it shows my weaknesses and makes me feel stupid (see #1). Sometimes it was scary to commit to recovery because I had made so many mistakes in the past and I was bound to make more. Sometimes I was scared to tell people at group or elsewhere that I was trying to recover because what if I mess up later? Mistakes are going to happen, and that's really the way we learn the majority of the time.

3. Trust takes a while - even after telling my wife I was great at driving the stick, it still took her a while before she trusted me to drive, and even when she did it was for a short distance at first. Patience with the spouse in recovery is tough but vital in recovery, especially in regards to trust.

4. Recovery takes a full commitment - If I were to have gone and got a rental car for that week "just in case" I couldn't learn to drive the stick, or had some other escape plan in case it was just too hard, I would've defaulted it early on for sure. Similarly, half-hearted to recovery never brings lasting results. We have to jump in with our whole effort head first and not have any other escape routes. Figure out what recover is going to take, and then completely and wholly commit to it without giving yourself a loop hole out. I will go to group every Tuesday. I will tell my wife if I have problems. I will not surf when wifey is not home. I will not lie about anything - if I do I will fix it. I will not use the computer after wifey is asleep. I will turn to God in the difficult moments and follow His will. No excepts or unlesses about it.

Anyway, that was my experience driving a stick and I'm pretty good at it now, or I guess at least I can get where I need to go. I kind of feel the same way about recovery... I feel like I'm at a point now I can get where I need to go, even if it isn't the smoothest ride. This week marks 21 months sober for me and we're going strong. I am so grateful to God for His help in getting us this far and I pray for His continual blessings on each of us in our journey. 加油！