Quarter-game bandit

So I'm out east interviewing for residencies, and have been for a week or so and laundry day came. So I headed over to the laundromat wifey and I used when we were here last month and started a load of laundry and was about to head to best buy to chill while my clothes washed until I saw it - the quarter game that beat me last month.

Let me explain - this is a stupid little arcade-type game where idiots like me put quarters in with hopes that the quarters we put in will push previous idiots' quarters out into the reward bin. Last month I lost a dollar or so on this before tossing in the towel. BUT, right after I was finished, some yuppy walks up and puts some quarters in while simultaneously kicking the machine and DOWN come a ton of quarters. MY quarters. Jerk.

So this time I put 2 quarters in with no reward, and I remember the yuppy. So I decide to kick the thing a couple times. Nothing. so I kick a little harder - WEEEOOOEEOO. An alarm. There I was - a grown man, almost 30-year old almost doctor who just set off an alarm at a laundromat in front of 20 other people cause I wanted to make 75 cents, and fleeing from the scene. I was out of that place before 5 seconds had gone by.

So I walked to best buy for damage control. First, what in the same of sam hill did I just do? And second, why did I respond that way? And third, what do I do NOW? I thought... maybe I can just walk in, take my clothes out of the wash and walk out back to my room and hang dry all my clothes. Another idea was maybe if I put on different clothes no one will recognize me. These are honest thoughts that I had. Then I walked out of best buy to see a cop car parked outside and my stomach dropped. They were just hanging out though - not there to catch the quarter-game bandit.

So anyway, I walk out to my car to drive to target for a bit - maybe if I wait a while, the crowd will switch and no one will recognize me. As I'm driving away - and this is finally the part where I do something right - the VOR (voice of recovery) comes to me and says - "Hey Nate, you gotta be accountable." Touche, voice.

So I turn around and park. I walk in to the laundromat and the alarm isn't going off. No one comes to me or says anything. It seemed to have breezed right over without anyone caring. Phew, I thought. That was easy. Then VOR comes back and says, "That's not being accountable." Well played.

So I go and find the owner.
Me: "Hey... uh... is everything ok with that alarm?"
Owner: (confused look).
Me: "You know, with the quarter game... there was an alarm that went off. Well, I kicked the machine and it was stupid and I'm sorry and I just wanted to come and tell you and see if everything was ok."
Owner: "Yeah, that isn't smart. If you kick it and the quarters come out, then no quarters come out the next time you be throwin' quarters in there!"
Me: "Haha, yeah, that was stupid."
Owner: "Yeah, everything's fine."

It was humiliating. I felt like a 5-year-old. But it had to happen... and then I felt fine. And I told my wife later in the day so I could feel stupid again and hopefully learn something.

You see, this is probably a little thing. A really stupid little thing that I shouldn't talk about in public, but it's not like I relapsed or robbed a bank or whatever.

BUT. It is crucial that I am accountable for my actions. Secrets and lies are at the core of relapse. If I were to 'get away' with something here, what's to keep me from thinking I can 'get away' with acting out a little bit? Or telling a small lie? From keeping something else from wifey?

Being accountable and taking responsibility for poor decisions that I make is key for me to stay in recovery. No matter what they are, I need to address them and talk them over with someone (usually wifey) so I don't keep going down the secretive road. It stops the skid and keeps me honest.

What kind of things do I need to bring up? It took us a long time to figure out our system, which has swung to both sides of the pendulum of sharing too much and too little - both of which are extremely painful for both parties involved. Basically what I share comes down to 2 things: 1) when I make a poor decision that influences my recovery in some way, and 2) when temptations are especially difficult and I am struggling. That has worked for us and helped me to not beat myself up every time I have a temptation to lust or whatever, but to focus on my decisions and my state of being.

anyway, hopefully each of us can keep being accountable on our road to recovery. And hopefully that's the last we see of the QGB.

It's possible and it's worth it

We had our 3 year anniversary the other day - and it was great. It's no secret we've had our difficulties and largely due to my decisions and weaknesses. We've often said if we lived close to family we're not sure if it would've worked out because it would've made it easier to throw in the towel.

This anniversary was our least elaborate - prior years were spent in an upscale hotel or a private cabin in the mountains. This one was spent as a night in our ghetto hotel we're staying in as part of the final 2 weeks of our recent 4 month cross-country excursion for residency applications.

Though less fancy, this anniversary was definitely our best because we are secure in our marriage. I have over 2.5 years of sobriety and we're trying for children and grateful for our present and looking forward to our future together. It wasn't long ago that none of these were the case. It almost seemed like divorce was inevitable and that we made a huge mistake. We've had some really really difficult days and long nights.

But here we are, happily married despite our weaknesses. Sure we still have tiffs frequently and things aren't hunky dory all the time. We are still very much a work in progress - we are still young and early in recovery and there is still much to do. But we are out of the worst of it, and we know we'll work it out together and be fine no matter the situation.

Anyway, I just wanted to say this because I read blogs and see so many people still in those early stages of confusion, depression, anger, and hopelessness. I just want to put our experience out there so people can know it's possible to work through it and that it's worth it. Not saying that every couple should work it out or that if you don't you've done it wrong. Not at all. Just that it's possible in case you're thinking it's not.

Best of luck to everyone. If you want to get in touch with my wife or I, we'd be happy to talk through things. We're no counselors and still have our many issues, but we can offer help based on experiences we've had.

Obsessions

I don't think I have full-on OCD, but I do have tendencies toward it. There's no doubt that genetics plays a role in it, but I also think that being LDS in Utah has contributed to certain obsessions. I feel like I have been so nit-picky of myself and others for much of my life and that has caused me to become somewhat obsessed with being good, or with having a good appearance. And the fact that I have weaknesses, in this area in particular, has caused me INCREDIBLE amounts of shame.

The hallmark of OCD is having unwanted or intrusive thoughts (obsessions) that cause anxiety and the actions (compulsions) that one must do to relieve the anxiety. I don't know if I have any true compulsions, but I think that I have perhaps made some aspects of recovery a compulsion. I think the only thing that came close was when I was trying to figure out what was appropriate to disclose to my wife and when. I became ill if I thought I might have something that I should tell her but didn't, and therefore told her every single little thing that could possibly be considered related to the addiction every day. I felt so sick so often during those times. I'm glad we have found a system that works for us that has evolved as we have evolved.

I would also get obsessed with recovery at times when I'd go into "control mode" after a relapse. I'd obsess over everything I did and come up with the "master plan" of everything I would do to be perfect at recovery and never have a problem again. This quickly would fade, I'd lose motivation, and burn out and get frustrated.

I feel like a portion of the reason I became addicted is because I would obsess over my problem. It consumed my thoughts. And the more I thought about it and had anxiety over it and grieved over it, the more power I gave it.

This was a problem particularly with lusting. When I got out of the initial cycle of acting out, I was left with dealing with my tendency to lust. I was obsessed with not lusting, so much that I began to lust over people I would not normally lust after. I was such a mess.

Anyway, there's a branch of obsessions that is sexual in nature, and it deals with unwanted, intrusive sexual thoughts. Now, everyone has the occasional fleeting sexual thought pop in the mind at times. The problem is that those with OCD or intense religious background put too much weight on those thoughts. At least I feel like that's how it was for me. I felt like I made the insignificant significant. I would take the urge to lust as a sign that I was bad, that I wasn't attracted to my wife, or that I wanted to be with someone else other than my wife. I would obsess over ANY time that I found myself looking where I shouldn't, or ANY time I found anyone else attractive, or was even tempted to look. And it drove me cray-zee. I'm almost feeling crazy just typing this.

I'm not a great writer and I don't know if what I said above makes sense. I don't even know why I'm writing all this honestly. I just feel like obsessing over not lusting and acting out caused me a lot of grief, and gave the addiction more power than it took away. Only after I calmed down and realized that it's ok to have those urges, it's normal to have the urge toward those thoughts, it's ok to think others are attractive, and it doesn't have to mean ANYTHING. What matters is what I choose to do with those urges and thoughts. What matters is that I don't use my agency to sit and linger on a look or a thought, or that I let those thoughts turn into inappropriate actions. That's what counts. 

And I am obsessing less now. A couple of days ago I had a pretty hard day because of a fight wifey and I had. And that sometimes makes temptations worse. So while I was at work the temptations started coming and I actually audibly said to myself, "Allright Nate, so it's gonna be that kind of day today, huh?" And just recognizing that the temptations and whatnot was coming from my feelings of sadness and didn't mean anything more was very empowering. I took away the power from them, and they didn't mean anything to me and didn't affect me, and I just forgot about them as the day went on. 

If you feel like you are obsessing over recovery/lust or whatever feel free to get in touch with me and we can talk more. Best of luck amigos!

Raw spots

I've been reading the book by Sue Johnson called 'Hold Me Tight.' She's one of the pioneers for a type of therapy based on attachment issues, called emotionally focused therapy (eft). Anyway, it's a great way of looking at recovery and I've gained a lot from it.

I feel like I am relationshipally handicapped, in that I stink at establishing and nurturing deep relationships. I am pretty awesome at small talk and having superficial everything-is-awesome type relationships with people though, but those don't really do me much good in the long run.

Anyway, in the book Dr Johnson talks about raw spot. Raw spots are essentially spots that have been rubbed raw from previous experiences, and are now disproportionately painful when touched. I've got em. My wife's got em. We've all got em.

To tell the truth, I can't really sit down and tell you what mine or my wife's are because I just don't have that kind of brain. However, understanding the concept of raw spots has been golden in the last few months. I have often found myself getting so upset over something and not realizing why, take it out on my wife. I have also been SO confused/upset when my wife would "all of a sudden" blow up or get really emotionally charged over something that seemed like it shouldn't be that big of a deal.

But since learning about raw spots some of these have made a little more sense. The other day I got ticked off because my wife disagreed with something medically I said, which obviously is totally fine. But for me, it insulted my intelligence for some reason and made me feel like she doesn't respect me or think I'm smart. Then I realized that my mom always questioned my dad's medical judgment and I have this intense fear that my wife will do the same to me for our whole lives and that scares me. I was able to tell my wife this and we talked it over and now she understands me better and the day didn't end in me being secretly ticked off and openly indifferent. Also this helps me to avoid getting in a bad place where temptations are strong, as temptation is often linked with anger and depression for me.

I've also had a few experiences in the past few weeks where I was able to be a little more patient and understanding with my wife as she had some raw spots prodded. Especially since I have found that I am often the direct cause of those raw spots. There has also been times where I didn't do quite as well, as I have problems with humility and patience. But I feel I am doing better. There is so much emotion as we learn this new dance of recovery together.

Either way, now when I or my wife gets overly-reactive about something, or a situation all of a sudden gets really emotionally intense, I think, "what raw spot is being rubbed here?" And often times I'm able to think of one, and it sheds some light on the subject that gives my wife and I power.

Alive and well

It's been a while since writing on my recovery blog. Just thought I'd post a quick update on where I am in case anybody cares, or just for the sole purpose of self-reflection. Life has been quite successful for the last few months. My wife and I seem to have found a good groove that works for us. I feel like I am in a good place with our relationship - I am learning. I feel like I was so incredibly immature when we got married... I wonder if I was some sort of outlier or if everyone is as immature relationship-wise as I was. I'm probably worse than the average bear. Either way, I have flashes of immature-ness, but for the most part feel like I have a good understanding of my emotions and feelings.

One thing that has really helped is the book, Hold Me Tight. I'm not finished with it, and honestly not being that diligent about reading it. However, one lesson really helped me calm down - the idea of raw spots. Everyone has raw spots that are raw because they have been shaved and rubbed down through the experiences of life. My wife has a few particular ones because of me. She has some because of others. I wish I could write mine down now but I'm never that good at remembering things on the spot - it's just important for me to remember that a situation can quickly become emotional seemingly disproportionate to the situation because it rubs an existing raw spot. I remember this principle often and it helps me calm down when my wife seems really upset about something for "no reason," or when I suddenly become really angry/moody about something.

Anyway, the wife and I are better than ever. I love her very much and appreciate so much what we have. She's an angel to me. She is so funny and has so many little quirks that make me laugh. I even helped her dye her hair recently. Twice. Yup - things are good.

Anyway, we are currently on the road traveling to various residencies to rotate at them for application purposes. We're in a new place every two weeks - pretty exciting. We've had a hoot on our weekend excursions and also trying all the fun restaurants wherever we are. We've also struggled to find the right balance, as my wife is currently unemployed and sometimes at a loss of what to do while I'm at work. Yesterday was a harder day. Those happen and that's ok. It's a hard situation. But we also have a lot of really fun days.

Recovery has been great, as far as sobriety goes. I'm coming up on 32 months next week. Being free of that life-cancer for almost 3 years feels great. I still feel tempted - it often comes in spurts, based on how I am doing emotionally, or sometimes it just seems random. I often have a few days where temptations are a bit more naggy, or thoughts of things I have done in the past recur with a little more strength - had a day like that yesterday. But I am able to work through it.

One area of recovery that has decreased is my closeness with God - which is really at the core of it all so it's kind of weird. I guess it hasn't dropped as much as I think it has, I'm a lot harder on myself about this than I should be, which is a trend in lots of areas of my life as I'm sure it is most addicts. We're way harder on ourselves than need be and we almost relish it. Anyway, my personal studies are sporadic and my prayers are ok. I guess I should just say my daily connection with God isn't that fabulous. That's really the point. I reach out to Him occasionally and sometimes feel like God is there and hears me. Other times doubt and fear creep in. It's been a lifelong struggle for me, but I'm happy to keep moving forward.

Anyway, that's where I'm at. I still have a long ways to go and I'm happy to go it. I feel like I'm out of the original pit I was in, and therefore feel I have a duty to help others in any way I can - feel free to contact me and I'd be happy to help. My wife has also been through loads and would be willing to talk with any wives that want another friend who will understand. Anyway, I'll try and write occasionally. Good luck to us all!

Nate Q

Benefits of reaching out

When I think about keys to my recovery, right near the top is reaching out. I struggled in silence for years, pleading with God to "take it away" and "help me change," I talked with many a bishop about my struggles, but somehow went through my entire collegiate experience without telling one of my roommates, family members, or close friends.

Once I started going to group, I slowly but surely understood the importance of reaching out for help. I have been amazed over and over again how supportive people are when I reach out to them. Even when they don't know how to respond, they always find some way to show encouragement or support. 

Since then I've discussed my struggles with almost every one of my family members, my grandparents, one of my brothers-in-law, old roommates, friends, someone in my ward, and I'm not sure who else. I try and be as smart as I can to discern the right time, place, and person I reach out to, but each time I do it reaffirms a few things to me:

1 -  I am not a terrible person. Occasionally I get in monster-mode and feel I'm not worth dirt. However, when I reach out I find that those that care for me support me. They don't suddenly think I'm a horrible person. If anything it seems their love and concern for me grows. On that note...

2 - I am loved... last person I opened up to was my oldest sister. A couple weeks later she wrote me a long email expressing her love and encouragement. She also sometimes asks me how I'm doing with it in our conversations and it gives me an opportunity to be accountable. 

3 - It puts my addiction in perspective. Don't get me wrong, my addiction has caused an immense amount of trouble and pain, and it is a big deal... but I also tend to magnify that shame and trouble and very often let it define me and dictate my life. Sometimes reaching out to someone helps me see when I am doing that. 

4 - I don't need to struggle in secret. Whether it be because of misunderstandings about life or because of pride or shame, we often decide to struggle alone in secret. After I reach out to another person, it breaks down that pride/shame and I feel hope and love. It's always been good for me. 

5 - Other people have struggles. When I let my walls down, other people are suddenly willing to let their walls down, sometimes at that moment, sometimes later. But I'm always surprised and grateful at what comes out of people's mouths when they all of a sudden feel safe telling me what is really going on. One of my best friends in my current ward came about because I opened up to him about my struggles randomly after church and he shared with me some of his. Fewer walls is a good thing. 

How to do it? I don't really know. I find myself thinking about my addiction often in conversations with people, and a lot of time it's just using those moments... just start talking. The more build up there is the more difficult it will be. I don't think there is ever a struggle to find a time to do it, there is always a time to talk about inner feelings in every deeper 1 on 1 conversation with anybody, it's just a matter of going with them when they come up. The first few times are incredibly scary, but it gets easier. 

Anyway, I hope I can continually find ways to reach out to others for help. Each time it takes some courage and is a bit of a leap of faith, but I've yet to have a negative experience, on the contrary, reaching out is a vital part of recovery. It shows that I am letting go of the pride and shame of addiction and willing to do what is necessary. Happy conference everybody, hope we can all take an opportunity to reach out to those around us and see the great things that result. 

Big changes a'comin'

So it's been a little while - you can tell how busy my rotations are based on how often I write in this blog.. but honestly my last rotation wasn't that busy, I just have been busy with other things. I'm at that point in a med student's life where I'm at the 20-pronged fork in the road after the first 20-pronged fork in the road. So I've decided on a track in medicine and have a back up cause my first one is a bit of a stretch.

So there are some HUGE changes coming: moving earlier than we thought, a future move to a completely new place somewhere in the US, my wife leaving her profession for a temporary job, being apart for 4-5 months while I'm on rotations, and that's just off the top of my head.

With big changes come opportunities: in many ways it is a new fresh start. My wife and I have had some hard times down here because of me, and some great ones. It has been our humble and difficult beginning. In our months in Utah and years wherever I match into residency, we will have the opportunity to start new good habits, continue current good ones, make new memories - there is also the potential for old habits to sneak in. I have a good 'safe zone' worked out down here - a good system - and a change of scenery brings with it new ways to get caught off guard and the necessity of being able to adapt more than usual.

I think the keys to surviving changes are 1) continuing good habits that have worked before and 2) evaluating early and often how the efforts are going, being aware of potential threats and weak points in the armor. I am pretty aware of my weaknesses and destructive beliefs/habits, so I will be on guard.

We're sad to leave this place behind... I think when I look back to Phoenix later in my life, it will be with reverence.

Other updates:

1) I had an interesting situation last week where justifying acting out would have been... well... almost justifiable. I won't do the details, but I was proud of myself for not even getting close to those old habits. Those victories go a long way and give me faith because not long ago I don't think I would have been so strong.

2) Mile-a-day 2014 - still going strong. I kind of missed one day, but am sure I walked a mile that day to and from places we were so I'm going to count it. up to 116 miles ran this year. Also haven't missed flossing a day yet, which was my 2013 goal. Setting and keeping these goals has been a great strength to me and my integrity. I think it's important for everyone to have 1-2 things that are non-negotiables that they do no matter what. We've all got numerous things that theoretically we should do daily, but miss here and there and life goes on. But I think picking 1-2 of those and doing them no matter what over the long term brings great strength to a person. Making other decisions seems a tad easier.

Shanks for the help

Just want to write about a victory I had on Monday. Kind of reminded me of the youtube thing I mentioend in my last entry. During my previous rotation, I listened to a book on cd and managed to finish it quickly during the month because of all the driving I was doing. The book was "Unbroken," a story of survival about a WWII airman stranded in the Pacific ocean. I really loved it. It was entertaining and inspired me to come closer to God and be a better person.

I started a new rotation on Monday and had a new book by my favorite sports author, Rick Reilly. I just think he's hilariously brilliant. I've read 2 books of his that are compilations of his Sports Illustrated articles and greatly entertained and touched deeply by the inside messages his articles have occasionally.

I expected a similar theme with this book of his that I was going to listen to in the car this month, a golf book called "Shanks for Nothing." Unfortunately it was not! It wasn't a collection of his prior essays, but an actual fictional story written by him and he took the opportunity to push lines that he can't push in his articles with language and innuendos.

Anyway, after a few less-than-inspiring moments in the book, I managed to turn it off and just handed the book-on-cd back into the library today. I was grateful to God for the strength to do that, because He knows how much I love a good laugh and I know that book would have been hilarious and I really wanted to just listen anyway and think that the bad parts wouldn't affect me and that maybe it is just the beginning that is bad and the rest is fine and... well... those were the justifications I battled.

I struggled on knowing when to stop, because I'm not the kind of guy that'll shut something off at the first sign of bad language or bit of innuendo... and maybe I should, but I feel that's extreme. But I got to a point where I knew it was time to turn it off. Like inside I could feel it. So I was able to push the eject button and not listen anymore.

That was a little-big victory for me. And I'll take it. I'm realizing more and more how important the little-big victories of integrity are, particularly when no one else is around.

Whisky milk

About a year ago, I posted a little about the insanity that addiction usually entails. I talked a lot about my favorite story in the AA book, about the alcoholic who walked into a restaurant known to serve alcohol just for a sandwich and milk (he'd be fine, right?), only to have the thought come to him to add just a little bit of whisky to his milk. He surely wouldn't notice it, and it probably wouldn't affect him. He'd been sober for a while, so a little whisky wouldn't do much. Right? INSANITY!

It mirrors my addiction exactly. Wandering to certain sites or looking up certain things that would qualify as a little ounce of whisky, thinking I'd be fine or be able to stop when I wanted, soon finding myself in a death spiral. I really don't like to write or think about it because of guilty feelings it brings back, apparently I'm not at peace with it all yet.

Anyway, I - and I'm sure each of us - have realized that we can NOT handle a little whisky in our milk (despite what the little voice of temptation would have us believe). Unfortunately we will always be in an environment where our addiction of choice is readily available, as it is by far the most accessible addiction there is... but it is important to do all I can to keep myself in as safe an environment as I can.

For example, I've not had access to youtube for years, just because of the potential for evil it has. At first it seemed like I would be missing out on so much by not having access, and there is the occasional moment where it would be convenient, such as for medical school uses to look up procedures or tutorials... but I've just learned to live without it and somehow life has been just fine.

For the last 2 years I've been able to eliminate the little whisky-in-the-milk justifications and slowly but surely my mind has been healing. I believe God has been integral in that process, particularly in enlightening my mind to be aware and recognize the insane tendencies.

So I guess that's about it. Let's make today a sane day.

How I combat temptation

I just want to talk about a few ways that I've combated temptation over the years since I started recovery. Sometimes you've got to try new things or keep a step ahead of Satan, and I just kind of want to remember things that helped or things that didn't help.

Early on, the battle is exceptionally difficult. We all have our cycles of acting out. Mine was 2 weeks. For others it could be a month, 3 months, a year, 3 days, etc. Whatever your cycle is, that's what your physiology is trained to do, and it will fight your efforts. 

When I first started getting out of addiction, I had a calm for a couple weeks, and then a storm hit. It was a constant swirl of temptation that met me in the morning and stayed with me till I slept. I constantly battled, prayed, and struggled seemingly to no avail. On the 12th day of this onslaught, I woke up in peace. It passed. It was like Satan retreated and left me alone for some time, until the next opportunity arose. 

I made a good deal of mistakes since that experience, but getting out of the initial cycle was incredibly difficult. I wonder if the initial breakthrough is about 2x as long as the usual cycle for everyone... 

Anyway, that leads to my first key to overcoming temptation. Resilience. 

Assuming we are good on the initial surrender in step 1, we next must be resilient in our efforts. I have learned to never put timelines or provisions on my attempts to get out of temptation because I will most certainly take them. "If this person answers their phone..." or "If someone calls me" or if x, y, or z won't happen. I must be prepared to go the distance no matter what, and to turn to God 77 X 7 until I can wake up in peace. And that moment has and will come. Every time. Too often we put forward 90% of the effort but see none of the blessings. I usually like to find a place to pray out loud and do 3 things:

1) acknowledge the temptation we are feeling

2) ask God for a way out

3) commit to following God's path and relying on him - verbally, out loud, with confidence, without conditions. 

Often the answer comes is "go outside and walk around" or "close your computer and don't get on it again, you don't need to" or go somewhere or do something. 

Sometimes it's just a "hang in there - I am with you. Things will be ok." Either way, God has always provided an escape that if I took it allowed me to escape... escapes have become faster and easier over time. 

Like I said, I have had my share of mistakes since that time, and have learned a lot. Slips would seem to come out of nowhere, and the justifications and hiding of them were just as subtle... and it would be some time before I would realize exactly what I had done. I would act out in lighter ways that I previously had and decide they didn't count or that they were somehow excusable. That was Satan's next plan and it worked just like he drew it up... for a while.

So my next key of overcoming temptation is awareness. 

I like to ask myself questions in the moment of temptation. How am I feeling? Why am I feeling this way? What triggers have led me to this? How have I contributed to getting in this situation? What was the first step in the wrong direction? I am now fully aware of my danger zone (or yellow light behaviors, or whatever you want to call it). I know the feeling well, and the moment it comes, I must acknowledge it and address it. Ignoring it will not do. Ignorance cannot lead to powerful choices. 

Often I need to get out of the situation completely in order to be truly aware of what's going on. There's a reason that temptation is represented by mist of darkness in Lehi's dream - it blinds eyes and hearts. We need light to shine on us in order to make a good decisions. A change in surroundings often can do just that. Being around people we know is good. Often in these moments I am led to make rules and regulations for myself for the rest of the evening until I am out of the danger zone again. 

I think once I became aware of my feelings and the danger zone and my triggers, I became obsessed with them. They controlled my thoughts, my feelings, my life. I became obsessed with not having triggers, or dealing with every emotion correctly, obsessed with when and why I was being tempted, and whether certain things counted as lusting or if the glance was an instinct. I was truly tortured. 

Which brings me to my last key of combating temptation, composure. 

While I was not acting out at this time, I was not healthy, and my relationships were not healthy. I was being driven mad by my own conscience and by the things around me. What I needed was composure - the state or feeling of being calm and in control of oneself.

I needed to do my ABCs. Accept deep inside that I am a person and will be tempted and drawn towards certain things - and that's ok. Breathe deep breaths to calm myself down. And focus on what I can choose to do. It's ok that there are attractive people around me. It's ok that I'm attracted to certain things. It doesn't have to mean anything or change the way I feel about anything. It is part of life and part of being a human.

Combating temptation is different for everyone and I have found that my strategies and needs have changed based on how far I am in to recovery. You've all probably tried these things and many others with varying degrees of success. The important thing is that each of us is active in our strategies and that we evaluate our efforts frequently. Best of luck to everyone and feel free to share ideas or anything else about the topic. 

The two-faced spirit

My wife and I were talking about a lesson I was giving today in church that she had actually taught a few weeks earlier in a different class. It was about making choices, which by the title of my blog you know I have some strong feelings about. One thing my wife pointed out I feel has particular relevance in our little community of battlers, and I wanted to bring it up.

The point regards pre-sin satan and post-sin satan.

Pre-sin satan says things like this:
"Only once will not matter."
"This battle's over - you can do it this time and then not do it again."
"This will help you feel happy - it's worth it."
"You will always struggle with this."
"It's not really affecting you anyway."
"The only way past this is to give in."
"There's no way out."
"You'll be ok - you're strong enough to handle this."
"You can keep it a secret and no one will know, you'll be fine."
"It doesn't matter anymore, you've nothing to fight for."
etc.

Post-sin satan says things like this:
"You are scum. A wretched person."
"Look what how did. You are so weak."
"How could you have given in?"
"You are broken."
"Keep it a secret - anyone that knows will judge you and distance from you."
"No one needs to know this time, you can hide it."
"How could anyone love you if they knew this side of you?"
etc.

Pre-sin satan and post-sin satan may seem like polar opposites, but I assure you they are from the same spirit. Pre-sin satan builds one up with false pride, making one feel immune - above it - downplaying the situation and its consequences. Post-sin satan fills one with ungodly shame, making one feel as if they are not worth anyone's time, love, or efforts.

And the thing is, neither one is right. Each one is a lie. The unhealthy, skewed pride and the dehumanizing guilt and shame - all a ruse to make us feel how he would have us feel.

Now, let's take a look at the other side.

Pre-sin God
"There is a way out."
"This will not bring you happiness."
"Reach out for help."
"I love you and want to help you."
"Turn unto me."
"Here's what you can do..."
"I will give you peace."

Post-sin God
...Exactly the same.

It is of utmost importance in the pre-sin moments or in the unfortunate post-sin moments that I recognize the swirling enticings around me. Some may be louder than others depending on what I've been tuning into that day. Whatever the case, I have to take a time out in the dangerous situation and tune into the true and constant voice, which by design is a little harder to hear I think.

Tuning in to this voice will encourages me to seek help the early moments before sin. It encourages me to seek help and to not consider myself above it all. It helps me get out of the moment and see the big picture. It helps me avoid or escape the damning feelings of depression and hopelessness.

I hope each of us can pay closer attention to the voices vying for our attention, particularly in the critical moments, and follow the right voice and call the other one a big stinkin' liarface.

2 years!

2 years.

1 day, 731 times. (1 year was a leap year)

A recovery "mission."

Either way I look at it, I'm grateful for where I am. I always thought when these milestones came that I'd be full of elation and excitement, but when they come I feel... sober. Somber. Sober-somber. It's hard to celebrate me not destroying my life and my wife's life because I'm reminded that I did exactly that for a time. 

How do I feel? 

Honestly, I don't even know. I feel humble, aware, and steady. I just feel good. Not incredible. I don't feel like I've done anything special or defeated some terrible monster. I feel like there's a starving wolf that still feebly but occasionally forcefully comes to me for sustenance only to be rejected day after day. I don't feel like he's transformed into the majestic steed that CS Lewis describes in "The Great Divorce." That will take more time, but it is happening. 

One of the bigger changes that has occurred recently has been acceptance. Accepting myself as I am, accepting my wife as she is, accepting life as it comes. And not in the way that I've had to accept that I will never be a pro tennis player or that I'll never be over 6 ft tall, but in a way that I accept an award, or invitation to med school. Gladly, graciously, happily and humbly. I think I've been looking at acceptance in a wrong way for a long time, and I'm starting to more understand it and feel it. 

Sometimes I feel like I need to write a, "THIS is how I made it to 2 years!" secret formula post - but obviously my mind goes blank when I try to think of it. I had certain things that were vital early on and have things that are vital now. Everyone's story will be different though they may have similar themes. 

I also know that I am still 'only a few stupid decisions away from acting out,' as a fellow group member used to say often. I need to stay honest. I need to stay humble. I need to stay active. Recovery needs to continue to be a stepping place to a new life, and not a u-turn back to the way life was before addiction. As if I can remember a time. It seems it was always brewing in me. 

Anyway, I don't write to brag or to proclaim my knowledge. My blog hasn't been as important to recovery as it was in the past. I mainly write just to be a witness that it's possible to get out of the cycle. And it is! I felt so helpless for so long, wrote so many little notes to myself during church asking when I would be able to change if ever, or if I was just doomed to be this way forever. It would have been nice to know a few people that had been in that same situation and had made progress out. 

Holy "I-fest." Sorry. Just trying to write down and sort the feelings out. Year 3 is a few days underway and looking good. May we never give up. May we each be a little less hard on ourselves. May we all reach out - everyone is struggling with something. Good luck to everybody! 

Planning sessions

So my wife had a brilliant idea during church yesterday, namely she set a goal that she and I would have a planning session that day after church and the following week, so we could plan out our week, be on the same page as far as plans, and set some goals. Simple enough, but it was great!

We haven't done this much since we've been married, and it was just nice to go through and talk about our plans together for the week. We talked first about church responsibilities, then about work responsibilities, and then about personal things. We set up a time to go to the temple, a time to set up home/visiting teaching, when we would do our personal studies, and set some good goals. My goal is to do personal study before work each day instead of at the end of the day this week. Simple enough. I'm also continuing to run a mile a day, which is going great.

We also took the time to talk about how I was doing in recovery... I think it was during this meeting, or it might have been a day or two before... either way, I think it would be good to occasionally talk about that as well, even if things are all fine, just to keep the lines of communication open.

I hope we can continue to have these weekly meetings. I feel like we're a team when we do. I think it's especially important in our situation - anything that helps us communicate and puts us on the same page is definitely a plus. And it gives me an opportunity to be accountable. I wish I did this more, and I'll try to, but I wish I told my wife more when I was doing well. Sometimes I don't tell her when I'm doing well because I just don't want her to think about it at all... which sometimes is good... but now I think she needs to hear I'm doing well every so often so she doesn't have to wonder. Good news is probably very refreshing to her ears.

Anyway, I'm glad my wife encouraged us to do the planning together, I think it's great.

Baby steps

As I steadily approach my official 2-year sobriety mark, I look back and initially feel sick for the things I've done and how insane and stupid I was. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing, probably both, but the point is that there are also a lot of great things that have gone on during recovery, although they aren't the first things that comes to mind. It seems that little by little I've learned some essential things that are important to make our relationship grow.

So I'm going to write about some of the baby steps that have happened along the way, realizing that good lessons come from difficult circumstances, and while everything isn't roses and forest critters all the time, life is pretty darn good and we're finally ready to move forward with our family.

First was honesty. I wasn't honest. I had never been fully honest. I always took little, seemingly harmless shortcuts and would try to get away with what I could. This transferred well into addiction later in life. I would tell almost the truth. I was pro at it. I was pro at justifying my almost truth. This is a hard one to talk about because I feel so slimy about it all and the process of learning was almost unbearably painful for the both of us... but I'm proud to say that I have become an honest man. I got a little teary-eyed just writing that. I am an honest man. I have integrity. I don't cheat. I don't half-truth. I don't lie. I don't hide. It's become a piece of me that I have learned to control and not become obsessive about. I can't lie anymore - I know where that road leads.

Another baby step was learning not to be critical, particularly of Wifey. I would go long periods of time without giving her good, honest compliments - and even when I tried they were half-hearted and she could tell. I would go through periods where I felt I was the scum of the earth and then a few weeks later feel like I was better than wifey and deserved more. The reason is obviously not because of her, or because she didn't merit the highest of compliments, but because I was viewing her and my life through crazily distorted lenses. Distorted by media, addiction, life, bad choices, or whatever, but terribly distorted. I know now that she needs those compliments to ensure her of my love and devotion to her, and I am able to give those compliments whole-heartedly and without guile. She does not have to be perfect or close to it. I love my beautiful Wifey. She is my angel.

Communication, oh communication. I stink at it. Ok, I'm better at it. I am the epitome of the silent male when it comes to important things. I would go completely silent in the middle of important conversations as I would sit and refute every thought that came to my mind. I would hold in important struggles I was having. I would keep my feelings in during arguments. I would hold my thoughts in and become resentful when she didn't know them. I would hold expectations inside and be upset when they weren't met. Ok, I still do this sometimes... but much less. Each time we have a disagreement or argument it's honestly a huge struggle to open my mouth and say how I feel or ask questions to figure out how wifey feels, but I do it more and trust me it works much better. It's slowly becoming kind of natural. Sloooowlyyyy.

Another thing along the way was learning to deal with conflict. We still have our differences and we still fight. We still have our moody times and get mad at each other. We still have good days and bad days. BUT that's all they are. Differences, moods, fights, and bad days. We've (I, in particular) have learned to deal with these things, a little at a time. Growing up, my family and I would mostly suppress negative emotions until they just went away, I'm learning to deal with them and that it's ok to have them. Weird, but it's a new concept to me.

These are a few of the baby steps we've needed to take along our way towards recovery. As I look back at them, the important lesson that is reiterated in my mind is that recovery is NOT just about not acting out, it's about having a character overhaul. It affects so many areas of life that must be dealt with. I don't have anything fancy to say right here... never really do... but I'm grateful to God for helping me along, and grateful to Wifey for sticking around and holding me to her expectations of what she deserves. I know now more than ever that she is the right woman for me.

Other baby steps that have helped me are sticking to my recovery goals with computer usage and iphone usage and avoiding the yellow-light behaviors that can happen on those. ALSO I was able to floss 363 days last year and am still flossing daily this year. AND I am running a mile a day this year (except Sundays) and haven't missed one yet. Little things, but they help me grow character and confidence that I will do what I say I will do.

Baby steps - untie your knots. FREEEEEEEEE!!!

A hodgepodge of the last month

Hey team. It's been a little while. I wasn't able to make it to group this week so I told wifey I'd write in the good ol' blog to keep my mind recovery-focused, and of course I put it off till Sunday. Oh well, at least I'm here.

We actually just had a really intense conversation about things. Communication, weaknesses, our relationship, etc that didn't end fantastically so we're still processing that. The encouraging thing is that we were actually able to communicate. I didn't shut down. I was able to explain my feelings (more than before, at least), which are big improvements from our past conversations.

We're still less than 6 months from when things were really terrible, so emotions and still quite near the surface and easily provoked. Both of us are quick to react to things that for others might be instantly looked over or joked about. We're getting better though. We're quite different, her and I. Sometimes it makes things harder, and sometimes it makes things fabulous. I feel like instead of marrying someone like me I married someone who completes me, and I'm glad for that choice. That's the point of it all, I feel like. I like how the simplemarriage website guy refers marriage to a developmental boot camp. Not sure where he heard that from, but I agree.

Recovery has been pretty good for me. I'm at 23 months sober now, almost to the infamous 2 year mark. Acting out is rarely a temptation for me, but there are still troubling thoughts almost daily, typically about past actions I've done, sometimes temptations to do things I shouldn't. There have been a few resources with unblocked internet access in our home for the last little while that I really need to get cracking on. I haven't gotten close to acting out on them, but they just nag at me sometimes, when I feel down, and I don't like it.

My faith has been lower lately. Praying just hasn't seemed helpful, church has seemed almost like a bother. I just haven't been feeling very spiritual recently, which is something I need to do better at. Also, I am still technically on step 11, after 3 1/2 years of group. Been on it for almost a year now, mainly because I have a hard time seeking God's will and doing it, mainly the seeking part.

I don't have a lot of faith in getting revelation from God anymore for one reason or another, and I am afraid to try it again. I'm afraid because I feel like I won't get anything and faith will get even lower. Isn't that silly? But that's how I feel.

Aside from those things, life is pretty much the same for us. Wifey has found a couple things that she is really passionate about, and I love that. I think that's important for everyone, but wives in particular. She's crazy busy though with all the things she's doing - we keep waiting for things to slow down but they don't seem to.

Mile A Day - 2014 is going great, so far I'm 100%, even randomly ran a 10k on Friday, which I'd never done. Wifey runs with me whenever I ask, which is nice of her. My bro-in-law in UT is doing the challenge too and hasn't missed a day despite the terribly cold weather. I'm thankful for him too. My knee is hurting though each time, but I already decided last year that even if I had to be in a wheel chair I'd wheel a mile a day - it's going to happen. I need the extra integrity, resolve, and self-mastery... and health. :)

Hope all is well to my fellow friends seeking recovery. I never dreamed that I'd be able to get through a Christmas break without sweating about a relapse. I'm grateful to God for His helping me to finally start to see the change I had been seeking for so long. I am committed to moving forward and resolving to follow the feelings that tell me what to do or not to do, which I believe are inspired by God. Good luck and keep in touch.