2 years!

2 years.

1 day, 731 times. (1 year was a leap year)

A recovery "mission."

Either way I look at it, I'm grateful for where I am. I always thought when these milestones came that I'd be full of elation and excitement, but when they come I feel... sober. Somber. Sober-somber. It's hard to celebrate me not destroying my life and my wife's life because I'm reminded that I did exactly that for a time. 

How do I feel? 

Honestly, I don't even know. I feel humble, aware, and steady. I just feel good. Not incredible. I don't feel like I've done anything special or defeated some terrible monster. I feel like there's a starving wolf that still feebly but occasionally forcefully comes to me for sustenance only to be rejected day after day. I don't feel like he's transformed into the majestic steed that CS Lewis describes in "The Great Divorce." That will take more time, but it is happening. 

One of the bigger changes that has occurred recently has been acceptance. Accepting myself as I am, accepting my wife as she is, accepting life as it comes. And not in the way that I've had to accept that I will never be a pro tennis player or that I'll never be over 6 ft tall, but in a way that I accept an award, or invitation to med school. Gladly, graciously, happily and humbly. I think I've been looking at acceptance in a wrong way for a long time, and I'm starting to more understand it and feel it. 

Sometimes I feel like I need to write a, "THIS is how I made it to 2 years!" secret formula post - but obviously my mind goes blank when I try to think of it. I had certain things that were vital early on and have things that are vital now. Everyone's story will be different though they may have similar themes. 

I also know that I am still 'only a few stupid decisions away from acting out,' as a fellow group member used to say often. I need to stay honest. I need to stay humble. I need to stay active. Recovery needs to continue to be a stepping place to a new life, and not a u-turn back to the way life was before addiction. As if I can remember a time. It seems it was always brewing in me. 

Anyway, I don't write to brag or to proclaim my knowledge. My blog hasn't been as important to recovery as it was in the past. I mainly write just to be a witness that it's possible to get out of the cycle. And it is! I felt so helpless for so long, wrote so many little notes to myself during church asking when I would be able to change if ever, or if I was just doomed to be this way forever. It would have been nice to know a few people that had been in that same situation and had made progress out. 

Holy "I-fest." Sorry. Just trying to write down and sort the feelings out. Year 3 is a few days underway and looking good. May we never give up. May we each be a little less hard on ourselves. May we all reach out - everyone is struggling with something. Good luck to everybody!