Raw spots

I've been reading the book by Sue Johnson called 'Hold Me Tight.' She's one of the pioneers for a type of therapy based on attachment issues, called emotionally focused therapy (eft). Anyway, it's a great way of looking at recovery and I've gained a lot from it.

I feel like I am relationshipally handicapped, in that I stink at establishing and nurturing deep relationships. I am pretty awesome at small talk and having superficial everything-is-awesome type relationships with people though, but those don't really do me much good in the long run.

Anyway, in the book Dr Johnson talks about raw spot. Raw spots are essentially spots that have been rubbed raw from previous experiences, and are now disproportionately painful when touched. I've got em. My wife's got em. We've all got em.

To tell the truth, I can't really sit down and tell you what mine or my wife's are because I just don't have that kind of brain. However, understanding the concept of raw spots has been golden in the last few months. I have often found myself getting so upset over something and not realizing why, take it out on my wife. I have also been SO confused/upset when my wife would "all of a sudden" blow up or get really emotionally charged over something that seemed like it shouldn't be that big of a deal.

But since learning about raw spots some of these have made a little more sense. The other day I got ticked off because my wife disagreed with something medically I said, which obviously is totally fine. But for me, it insulted my intelligence for some reason and made me feel like she doesn't respect me or think I'm smart. Then I realized that my mom always questioned my dad's medical judgment and I have this intense fear that my wife will do the same to me for our whole lives and that scares me. I was able to tell my wife this and we talked it over and now she understands me better and the day didn't end in me being secretly ticked off and openly indifferent. Also this helps me to avoid getting in a bad place where temptations are strong, as temptation is often linked with anger and depression for me.

I've also had a few experiences in the past few weeks where I was able to be a little more patient and understanding with my wife as she had some raw spots prodded. Especially since I have found that I am often the direct cause of those raw spots. There has also been times where I didn't do quite as well, as I have problems with humility and patience. But I feel I am doing better. There is so much emotion as we learn this new dance of recovery together.

Either way, now when I or my wife gets overly-reactive about something, or a situation all of a sudden gets really emotionally intense, I think, "what raw spot is being rubbed here?" And often times I'm able to think of one, and it sheds some light on the subject that gives my wife and I power.