Obsessions

I don't think I have full-on OCD, but I do have tendencies toward it. There's no doubt that genetics plays a role in it, but I also think that being LDS in Utah has contributed to certain obsessions. I feel like I have been so nit-picky of myself and others for much of my life and that has caused me to become somewhat obsessed with being good, or with having a good appearance. And the fact that I have weaknesses, in this area in particular, has caused me INCREDIBLE amounts of shame.

The hallmark of OCD is having unwanted or intrusive thoughts (obsessions) that cause anxiety and the actions (compulsions) that one must do to relieve the anxiety. I don't know if I have any true compulsions, but I think that I have perhaps made some aspects of recovery a compulsion. I think the only thing that came close was when I was trying to figure out what was appropriate to disclose to my wife and when. I became ill if I thought I might have something that I should tell her but didn't, and therefore told her every single little thing that could possibly be considered related to the addiction every day. I felt so sick so often during those times. I'm glad we have found a system that works for us that has evolved as we have evolved.

I would also get obsessed with recovery at times when I'd go into "control mode" after a relapse. I'd obsess over everything I did and come up with the "master plan" of everything I would do to be perfect at recovery and never have a problem again. This quickly would fade, I'd lose motivation, and burn out and get frustrated.

I feel like a portion of the reason I became addicted is because I would obsess over my problem. It consumed my thoughts. And the more I thought about it and had anxiety over it and grieved over it, the more power I gave it.

This was a problem particularly with lusting. When I got out of the initial cycle of acting out, I was left with dealing with my tendency to lust. I was obsessed with not lusting, so much that I began to lust over people I would not normally lust after. I was such a mess.

Anyway, there's a branch of obsessions that is sexual in nature, and it deals with unwanted, intrusive sexual thoughts. Now, everyone has the occasional fleeting sexual thought pop in the mind at times. The problem is that those with OCD or intense religious background put too much weight on those thoughts. At least I feel like that's how it was for me. I felt like I made the insignificant significant. I would take the urge to lust as a sign that I was bad, that I wasn't attracted to my wife, or that I wanted to be with someone else other than my wife. I would obsess over ANY time that I found myself looking where I shouldn't, or ANY time I found anyone else attractive, or was even tempted to look. And it drove me cray-zee. I'm almost feeling crazy just typing this.

I'm not a great writer and I don't know if what I said above makes sense. I don't even know why I'm writing all this honestly. I just feel like obsessing over not lusting and acting out caused me a lot of grief, and gave the addiction more power than it took away. Only after I calmed down and realized that it's ok to have those urges, it's normal to have the urge toward those thoughts, it's ok to think others are attractive, and it doesn't have to mean ANYTHING. What matters is what I choose to do with those urges and thoughts. What matters is that I don't use my agency to sit and linger on a look or a thought, or that I let those thoughts turn into inappropriate actions. That's what counts. 

And I am obsessing less now. A couple of days ago I had a pretty hard day because of a fight wifey and I had. And that sometimes makes temptations worse. So while I was at work the temptations started coming and I actually audibly said to myself, "Allright Nate, so it's gonna be that kind of day today, huh?" And just recognizing that the temptations and whatnot was coming from my feelings of sadness and didn't mean anything more was very empowering. I took away the power from them, and they didn't mean anything to me and didn't affect me, and I just forgot about them as the day went on. 

If you feel like you are obsessing over recovery/lust or whatever feel free to get in touch with me and we can talk more. Best of luck amigos!