Alive and well

It's been a while since writing on my recovery blog. Just thought I'd post a quick update on where I am in case anybody cares, or just for the sole purpose of self-reflection. Life has been quite successful for the last few months. My wife and I seem to have found a good groove that works for us. I feel like I am in a good place with our relationship - I am learning. I feel like I was so incredibly immature when we got married... I wonder if I was some sort of outlier or if everyone is as immature relationship-wise as I was. I'm probably worse than the average bear. Either way, I have flashes of immature-ness, but for the most part feel like I have a good understanding of my emotions and feelings.

One thing that has really helped is the book, Hold Me Tight. I'm not finished with it, and honestly not being that diligent about reading it. However, one lesson really helped me calm down - the idea of raw spots. Everyone has raw spots that are raw because they have been shaved and rubbed down through the experiences of life. My wife has a few particular ones because of me. She has some because of others. I wish I could write mine down now but I'm never that good at remembering things on the spot - it's just important for me to remember that a situation can quickly become emotional seemingly disproportionate to the situation because it rubs an existing raw spot. I remember this principle often and it helps me calm down when my wife seems really upset about something for "no reason," or when I suddenly become really angry/moody about something.

Anyway, the wife and I are better than ever. I love her very much and appreciate so much what we have. She's an angel to me. She is so funny and has so many little quirks that make me laugh. I even helped her dye her hair recently. Twice. Yup - things are good.

Anyway, we are currently on the road traveling to various residencies to rotate at them for application purposes. We're in a new place every two weeks - pretty exciting. We've had a hoot on our weekend excursions and also trying all the fun restaurants wherever we are. We've also struggled to find the right balance, as my wife is currently unemployed and sometimes at a loss of what to do while I'm at work. Yesterday was a harder day. Those happen and that's ok. It's a hard situation. But we also have a lot of really fun days.

Recovery has been great, as far as sobriety goes. I'm coming up on 32 months next week. Being free of that life-cancer for almost 3 years feels great. I still feel tempted - it often comes in spurts, based on how I am doing emotionally, or sometimes it just seems random. I often have a few days where temptations are a bit more naggy, or thoughts of things I have done in the past recur with a little more strength - had a day like that yesterday. But I am able to work through it.

One area of recovery that has decreased is my closeness with God - which is really at the core of it all so it's kind of weird. I guess it hasn't dropped as much as I think it has, I'm a lot harder on myself about this than I should be, which is a trend in lots of areas of my life as I'm sure it is most addicts. We're way harder on ourselves than need be and we almost relish it. Anyway, my personal studies are sporadic and my prayers are ok. I guess I should just say my daily connection with God isn't that fabulous. That's really the point. I reach out to Him occasionally and sometimes feel like God is there and hears me. Other times doubt and fear creep in. It's been a lifelong struggle for me, but I'm happy to keep moving forward.

Anyway, that's where I'm at. I still have a long ways to go and I'm happy to go it. I feel like I'm out of the original pit I was in, and therefore feel I have a duty to help others in any way I can - feel free to contact me and I'd be happy to help. My wife has also been through loads and would be willing to talk with any wives that want another friend who will understand. Anyway, I'll try and write occasionally. Good luck to us all!

Nate Q