Every once in a while, I just feel like garbage. I wasn't sure how to really write my feelings down, so instead I put them in haikus. No judging - I'm not a haiku-er.
throw me out by the streetside
come take me away
i am but pain's source
my good deeds swallowed in black
happiness - never
hopelessness feelings
i am far beyond your help
things will not improve
Those are honestly the feelings I have inside. I have them every once in a while - even when I'm doing the right things. Sometimes they come when I think about my weaknesses. Sometimes they come when I see the pain I have caused my wife. Sometimes they just seem to come out of thin air. I'm betting all addicts have felt similar feelings, as well as the spouses of addicts as my wife has been greatly affected by my decisions.
Wherever they seem to come from doesn't really matter, because I know their true source. Who knew the devil was a poet? Looking through the list of feelings, it's clear these are not feelings God would have me feel. Hopelessness, depression, worthless, good-for-nothing, darkness - I can't think of any other feelings Satan would rather us have, "for he seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself."
Good news: he's also the "father of all lies." None of those things are true. Not one. Things can and will improve through the atonement. We are all within His reach. There is always hope. God cares about us and will guide us to happiness. Each of us has endless worth and potential. Sometimes its just hard to remember those things, right? It is for me. So next time you or I feel this way, take a minute and write some poetry, realize where its from, and pray that your mind may be opened to the real truth. Here's a haiku for you, Satan.
noone is worthless
in fact, we've infinite worth
you're the one that stinks
I feel better.
Comfort, I have received;
ReplyDeletePeace, I have felt through your words;
Hope fills me today.
Haha not too bad!! I wrote that in like 3 seconds. I think the syllables go 5-7-5 right??
ReplyDeleteAnyway, Nate I appreciate your words alot. And also your responses to my emails. If you ever feel done...reach out and help out someone else. It works for me (and honestly, others benefit...like me)
Maybe it is devil-esque of me to feel some sort of comfort in knowing that even guys with one year of sobriety still feel bad at times, still feel pain, still have regrets in the moment. But just because we feel these things means we have to throw in the towel and go act out. (although, we've done that enough).
Keep posting!!! I wish more guys could read this stuff. Where are the men bloggers??
yes. yes. yes.
ReplyDelete!
i have these days (or moments) too. kind of often.
but i am working on making them less and less.
i felt like that yesterday and got a priesthood blessing.
what a joy and strength.
thank you for posting.
thank you for your courage and your testimony.
does your wife blog? i'd love to follow her.
happy healing,
d.
www.andhewept.blogspot.com
I have a good friend who taught me something this week...people are valuable. Not in a trite, you're important way, but in a deeply personal way. Beyond anything we could obtain-your heart is invaluable. Today, I hope you are filled with the innate self-love that is at the core of our souls. You are valuable. And I really like your poems
ReplyDeleteVery well thought out poems. I feel the same at times. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteVery creative way of putting this into words. I still have dark moments, hours and sadly even days. I am better at fighting them but lately my temptations seem to be more of this nature than even my addiction.
ReplyDeleteRecognizing them for the lies they are and bringing them to light is the best way to combat it. But some days its hard.
Thank you:) I love a good triumph over Satan. Beautiful poem! When we don't give into the lies, it's like saying, "nanner nanner" and imagining satan throwing a co-dependent tantrum.
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