Maintaining sobriety - thoughts after 1 year of real sobriety

Probably the biggest question mark I had when I started recovery was this: How is it possible to stay in sobriety for an extended period of time??? I felt I had tried every avenue only to find that each of them was simply a loop leading right back to where I had begun in very short amount of time. Things I tried:

• Various rules (when I can/can't use internet)
• A slough of plans of what to do when I would be tempted
• Praying, reading scriptures daily
• Installing an internet filter
• Installing a filter and giving someone else the password
• Installing accountability software and putting people I knew on the report list
• Physically breaking my laptop the next time I acted out (did it)

I tried these methods over and over and over again, but sobriety continued to elude me. I thought these would at least help me to slowly extend my sobriety by a certain number of days/weeks each time, but the opposite happened - time between relapses just got shorter. It seemed that no matter what barriers I put in my way, I would still find a way to act out. And with each mistake, my confidence and resolve became weaker and weaker until I had lost all faith in myself, God, and everything else. 

Enter group attendance. For me, attending a group twice a week and getting a sponsor was 100% vital to get out of the pit I was stuck in. Instead of only lasting days or weeks, I was making it months between relapses, and times in between were getting longer. I even made it a year without having a "relapse" according to my old standards. I texted people. I was pretty proud. 

What changed early on? In essence:

• I understood what it meant to rely on God, how He would help me, and what my part was. I turned to Him earlier and earlier in the process instead of waiting and half-heartedly reaching out when disaster seemed imminent.
• I learned why I turned/turn to the addiction, and decided to turn life's stressors and my weaknesses over to God.
• I became increasingly aware of my cycle, and began to recognize the earliest steps in that direction

HOWEVER, there was still a huge problem. Although I hadn't "relapsed" according to my old definition, I had in fact relapsed a great number of times in that year. I dabbled in filth. I let myself do things as long as I didn't cross a certain line. I justified things that were in essence exactly the same as what I wanted to avoid because they were slightly different. And lied about them. Writing about it makes me feel ill. I learned that although I had not relapsed like I used to, I was still very much the addict, and carried with me the deadly habits that come with it into our marriage.

It's been a year since these things began to come to the surface, a hard year. The hardest year. So much has happened. I can now say that I have honestly been sober for over a year. I haven't dabbled. I haven't pushed lines. I haven't justified. I have turned the other way each time Satan has put an idea in my head every day for the last year. An honest to goodness year. I still have pretty hard days, but they are becoming less and less as the days go by. I feel that I've found the Way - on this path, the yoke is easy and the burden is light. By staying on this path, I can stay sober. I never have to go back to that. It's so encouraging and humbling.

What changed this time?

• Honesty. I learned that honesty has to be #1. I must be honest with God. I must be honest with my wife. Most important, I must be honest with myself. That's where it starts. 
• I stopped dabbling. Acting out isn't participating in the addiction like we traditionally think. Acting out is any conscious step that we take in that direction. The little things count. Pushing the line counts. ANY choice I make that leads me in that direction needs to be appropriately addressed and repented of. 

I think that's it - being honest and not justifying even the smallest step in that direction. I still do most all the things in the first bullet list today, but they are no longer built on the sandy foundation that is my will and resolve. They are built on my faith and relationship with God. They are built on a foundation of honesty with myself, my wife, and my God. I now know that the strength of my sobriety will always be a reflection of both my honesty and the distance that I am from God. 

It finally feels like we're really moving forward. For real real. 

As I look back at the disaster I have caused from my poor decisions - words are inadequate to describe the sorrow I feel from it. 

As I look forward, I am feel hopeful. I feel excited. I feel aware. I feel prepared. Sometimes I still feel scared, but I know where that comes from. The future is bright. I don't ever have to go back to those things. All I need to do is keep being proactive and do the things that allow me to stay on this path, and God will lead me on.

Happy valentine's day, sweetheart. I love you.