Garbage haikus

Every once in a while, I just feel like garbage. I wasn't sure how to really write my feelings down, so instead I put them in haikus. No judging - I'm not a haiku-er.

feel worthless inside

throw me out by the streetside

come take me away

i am but pain's source

my good deeds swallowed in black

happiness - never

hopelessness feelings

i am far beyond your help

things will not improve

Those are honestly the feelings I have inside. I have them every once in a while - even when I'm doing the right things. Sometimes they come when I think about my weaknesses. Sometimes they come when I see the pain I have caused my wife. Sometimes they just seem to come out of thin air. I'm betting all addicts have felt similar feelings, as well as the spouses of addicts as my wife has been greatly affected by my decisions. 

Wherever they seem to come from doesn't really matter, because I know their true source. Who knew the devil was a poet? Looking through the list of feelings, it's clear these are not feelings God would have me feel. Hopelessness, depression, worthless, good-for-nothing, darkness - I can't think of any other feelings Satan would rather us have, "for he seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself."

Good news: he's also the "father of all lies." None of those things are true. Not one. Things can and will improve through the atonement. We are all within His reach. There is always hope. God cares about us and will guide us to happiness. Each of us has endless worth and potential. Sometimes its just hard to remember those things, right? It is for me. So next time you or I feel this way, take a minute and write some poetry, realize where its from, and pray that your mind may be opened to the real truth. Here's a haiku for you, Satan. 

noone is worthless

in fact, we've infinite worth

you're the one that stinks

I feel better.

Happy :)

I watched a documentary today called "happy" and really loved it. It's always a breath of fresh air to see someone put together a good form of media for entertaining and uplifting those who watch. It was full of really fabulous points, but I wanted to organize just a few thoughts I had about it for myself as well as anyone else that is interested.

Point #1: How much of happiness is my decision?
Answer 40% of it is based on active decisions, mainly to do the things under point #2. It sounds kind of impossible to put a number to it, but in identical twin studies, they found that everyone kind of has a baseline of their normal level of happiness and they vary below and above that. 50% of what contributes to that is genetics. What % is based on the circumstances that happen to you? Only 10%! If we are victims, we are not victims of our circumstances but victims of our choices.

Point #2: What things will make me happy?

• Service for those around us - They found that this was the biggest indicator of happiness. Service helps us quit thinking about our self (something that is EXTREMELY popular in our society) and to think of others' needs. Service can open our eyes and change our perspective. 
• Having a close network of family and friends - without exception, those that are happy have close family or friends. 
• Doing things you are intrinsically motivated to do - personal growth, developing close relationships, and helping the world be a better place.
• Doing new things - there's something about having new experiences, that's all there is to it.

Point #3: What things will not make me happy?

• Money - They make the point that obviously if people have no money they're less likely to be happy because they are struggling to survive. But once we have enough money to survive and provide basic needs, money beyond that does nothing for our happiness. 
• Working solely for other extrinsically motivated things - status, money, popularity. 
• Being selfish - we live in a world that worships self. I am never happy when I am self-absorbed, I am always happy when I get out of myself and think of others. 

Point #4: A simpler life.
What did we all do before we had TV, phones, internet? We spent time with each other. And we enjoyed it because it was just that. They did a bit on this random tribe in southwestern Africa. Many of them die at an early age because of disease. They hunt for food. They wear hardly any clothing. They have little more than the dirt beneath their feet. And yet they have everything. They have a strong sense of community. They have strong relationships. They also didn't worry about what they looked like. They didn't what clothes the other person is wearing, how they did their hair, if they had wrinkles or blotches, or how much weight they should lose so they can look good in their swimsuits. Nobody cared. Nobody judged. They just seemed to be there, accepting each other for who they were. How did we lose such a primitive, yet Godlike concept?

Why do I share all this? First of all, to make the point that we can never be happy in addiction. It has always and will always lead to sorrow. Why? Because it is in direct opposition to everything in life that will make us happy. It is the epitome of selfishness. It causes personal destruction, not growth. It destroys relationships. It isolates us from family, friends, and other activities that we used to love. I can think of nothing more representative of Satan's plan that this. He is indeed the great counterfeiter.

Secondly, I share this because the things that make us happy are the building blocks of the gospel of Jesus Christ! When we talk about the gospel making us feel happy, these are the main beliefs and areas that we are really talking about! Gratitude, compassion, new experiences, service, friends and family, growth, relationships, doing meaningful things - these are the building blocks of the gospel as well as the building blocks to a happy life. I think so often I get caught up in the other things in my spiritual life. Sometimes when I hear people say the gospel makes them happy I think, "it just makes me feel busy, or guilty for not being busy." When I feel that way I'm completely missing the point of it all!

If each of us does things that make us happy, then the drive and desire for addiction will diminish. We all sought out addiction (or at least continued in addiction) because we were seeking relief from conscious or unconscious pain. By doing things that genuinely make us happy, we will be filled with the love of God for those around us. (I remember the first time after years of numbness that I was able to feel love for someone - she became my wife. :) ) We will enjoy being with others. We'll enjoy doing other activities. There will be no room for self-serving thoughts or actions. Addiction takes these away from us, Christ brings them back to life.

"Play, having new experiences, friends and family, doing things that are meaningful, appreciating what we have. These are the things that make us happy. And they're free."

Good/poor choices this weekend

Just a quick update on step 11... seeking, receiving, and following personal revelation. I've done pretty good at this, but still have LOTS of work to do, which is good. Because if I didn't have lots of work to do, it would be easier to get complacent.

So let's start off with positive notes, how have I done well with step 11?

• I'm seeking revelation more often than before.
• I'm having more opportunities to serve in the church. Took sacrament to a few people yesterday after church, sang a musical # in ward/stake meetings, went home teaching, rehearsed some piano songs for another stake meeting, having a young men activity at my house this Wednesday, etc.) 
• I'm getting better at receiving revelation - when I have 'ideas,' I am learning to take them as guidance from God more often.

Here's some things that could've gone better this last few days:

• I still have lazy personal studies some days. Seeking personal revelation is hard, and it's much easier to just watch a video on lds.org or read something and not think much about it. I am still working on seeking revelation diligently daily... one day at a time. 
• Driving - I always use my driving attitude as a gauge for how well I'm doing that day. On Saturday, it was bad. I saw someone tailgaiting another car really closely and got upset and had the thought to get in front of them just to mess with them, and I made the decision to do that. It was a poor decision, and I knew it. I regret it and drive better yesterday. And I will try and do better today and tomorrow.
• Another experience happened at the doctor's office. The said I needed to give a copay, but then never actually charged me for it. When I was paying my bill, I thought about asking about the copay, and knew I should, but justified not asking, thinking - well maybe they're just catching me a break because they know I'm a student! And I didn't ask about it. An hour later I knew I had made the wrong choice. I was hiding something and being 'sneaky,' something I'm really trying to eradicate from my person. I called to see if they had made a mistake and it turns out the copay was included in my bill! All that worrrying about something that wasn't even an issue. I think about if I hadn't called... I would've had that on my conscience unnecessarily.

That's it. I look forward to becoming better at this and being more and more in tune with God's voice - for that is my saving voice that will keep me from danger and away from the constant tempest around me. 

The insanity of addiction

Earlier on in my recovery, my sponsor suggested I read the Alcoholics Anonymous big book - I was originally kind of confused by it but bought it and read much of it. It was fantastic for a couple of reasons. First, it went through a lot of the steps from the point of view that I needed - someone regaining faith in God. It really helped me to not feel inadequate because of my lack of testimony, but to identify what I had and be patient as I sought more. It was a great aid as I went through the steps.

The other reason I loved it was because of the stories throughout it. The founders and early members told their stories in great detail, and I was amazed to find such similarity between them and me. Stories of guys with good intentions who just kept making the same mistakes. They made the same rationalizations I was making. They had similar feelings of pride, hope, and despair. And most importantly, they each found the Way out - reaching out and finding God as they knew Him. Those last 4 words really helped me. I highly suggest this book to anyone in recovery from any addiction.

Anyway, there was one story that continues to stand out to me today. It was about letting little things in and the insanity of addiction. Here it is from the book:

"This is his story.

'I came to work on Tuesday morning. I remember I felt irritated that I had to be a salesman for a concern I once owned. I had a few words with the boss, but nothing serious. Then I decided to drive into the country and see one of my prospects for a car. On the way I felt hungry so I stopped at a roadside place where they have a bar. I had no intention of drinking. I just thought I would get a sandwich. I also had the notion that I might find a customer for a car at this place, which was familiar for I had been going to it for years. I had eaten there many times during the months I was sober. I sat down at a table and ordered a sandwich and a glass of milk. Still no thought of drinking. I ordered another sandwich and decided to have another glass of milk.

Suddenly the thought crossed my mind that if I were to put an ounce of whiskey in my milk, it wouldn't hurt me on a full stomach. I ordered a whiskey and poured it into the milk. I vaguely sensed I was not being any too smart, but felt reassured as I was taking the whiskey on a full stomach. The experiment went so well that I ordered another whiskey and poured it into more milk. That didn't seem to bother me so I tried another.'

Thus started one more journey to the asylum for Jim. Here was the threat of commitment, the loss of family and position, to say nothing of that intense mental and physical suffering which drinking always caused him. He had much knowledge about himself as an alcoholic. Yet all reasons for not drinking were easily pushed aside in favor of the foolish idea that he could take whiskey if only he mixed it with milk!

Whatever the precise definition of the word may be, we call this plain insanity."

This story helped me see the insanity in me. The insanity of the rationalizations I would make. The insanity of the denial I was in. The insanity of playing with fire without believing I was being burned. The insanity of seeking for comfort in the thing that would bring my life the greatest pain. The insanity of testing those lines with absolutely no purpose whatsoever - just to do it. I've put whiskey in my milk so many times thinking I wouldn't taste it, that it wouldn't affect me, and would be able to stay above things. That well-trodden road is a one-way path to the same place every time - ending in that same, despairingly bitter realization - ...what have I done?

The only way for the insane mind to heal is through God. Insanity can't fix insanity any more than a severely delusional person can un-convince himself of his delusions. We all need the great Physician. I am so grateful to God for helping me learn better and better to recognize Satan's voice when it comes, as well as the insanity that is addiction. I pray that it will always remain as clear to me as it is today, that whenever I am tempted to even take a step in that direction with a false sense of security, I know where it is from and what to do. 

Little sacrifices

Along the road to recovery, there are inevitably sacrifices that will need to be made. I'm still early on my road, but I wanted to write my small list of things I'm doing so I can remember later, and also to get ideas from other people of what little sacrifices you are making.

Here's my list:

• Internet time - my wife and I have a rule that I do not 'surf' the internet if I am the only one home. This means I only look up things that have a clear purpose to that moment and nothing else. Unless I'm waiting for a specific email, I don't check my email. No facebook, no espn, no news. Just what's necessary.
• Internet content - kind of a no brainer - along with blocking all inherently inappropriate websites, I've had to block websites that can potentially be used for bad purposes (i.e. youtube). This would be really helpful for learning modules and other things for medical school, but it's something that's got to happen. My wife has the password.
• Media content - I monitor pretty closely the TV shows and movies I watch as well as the music I listen to. If it's not of good report then I do my best not to watch/listen to it. In fact, we don't even have cable TV, or a TV for that matter. :) 
• Phone - I have basically the same phone I had 7 years ago - a flip phone that can call and text. No internet access. It would be cool to have internet on my phone. It would be nice to have all the apps and things my colleagues are using for school, but that's not the best idea right now.
• Tuesday nights to attend a recovery meetings. I'd love to spend that time with my wife instead, but it's something that needs to happen. 

I feel silly calling the majority of those sacrifices, because most of them are things that hardly existed 15 years ago (Tuesday nights - when did those happen???). Isn't it interesting though how yesterday's luxuries become today's necessities? What did we all DO before the internet, cell phones, and television? Unfortunately these 'necessities' have made having an addiction increasingly easier to develop and hide - it's really scary to think where we'll be 15 years from now. What new things will my children have to worry about? How much more prevalent can it get?

The answers to those questions scare me - but at the same time, I feel I've got an advantage. I used to ask the question 'why me?' when I thought about this addiction. 'Why me' is never really the right question though - I'm in this because I made decisions that lead me to it. Sure, I believe that I had a predisposition to become addicted to this type of thing, but I sat and let it develop. I now realize the more appropriate question is 'what now?' I can't change what I have done, but I can change what I do with it. I can choose to rely on God and stay in recovery. I can use my time on the battlefield to become a tool in His hands to combat this ever-worsening war for the rest of my life. I can teach my children and help them not make the mistakes I made. I truly believe that weak things can be made strong in Christ.

I don't sacrifice as much as probably many others, and not near as much as my wife has as she has been dealing with her own journey of recovery in the many ways this has affected her.  I pray that I will always be willing to make the little sacrifices that God would have me make so I can continue to recover, be a better husband to my wife, son to my Father, and father to my kids (someday).

Maintaining sobriety - thoughts after 1 year of real sobriety

Probably the biggest question mark I had when I started recovery was this: How is it possible to stay in sobriety for an extended period of time??? I felt I had tried every avenue only to find that each of them was simply a loop leading right back to where I had begun in very short amount of time. Things I tried:

• Various rules (when I can/can't use internet)
• A slough of plans of what to do when I would be tempted
• Praying, reading scriptures daily
• Installing an internet filter
• Installing a filter and giving someone else the password
• Installing accountability software and putting people I knew on the report list
• Physically breaking my laptop the next time I acted out (did it)

I tried these methods over and over and over again, but sobriety continued to elude me. I thought these would at least help me to slowly extend my sobriety by a certain number of days/weeks each time, but the opposite happened - time between relapses just got shorter. It seemed that no matter what barriers I put in my way, I would still find a way to act out. And with each mistake, my confidence and resolve became weaker and weaker until I had lost all faith in myself, God, and everything else. 

Enter group attendance. For me, attending a group twice a week and getting a sponsor was 100% vital to get out of the pit I was stuck in. Instead of only lasting days or weeks, I was making it months between relapses, and times in between were getting longer. I even made it a year without having a "relapse" according to my old standards. I texted people. I was pretty proud. 

What changed early on? In essence:

• I understood what it meant to rely on God, how He would help me, and what my part was. I turned to Him earlier and earlier in the process instead of waiting and half-heartedly reaching out when disaster seemed imminent.
• I learned why I turned/turn to the addiction, and decided to turn life's stressors and my weaknesses over to God.
• I became increasingly aware of my cycle, and began to recognize the earliest steps in that direction

HOWEVER, there was still a huge problem. Although I hadn't "relapsed" according to my old definition, I had in fact relapsed a great number of times in that year. I dabbled in filth. I let myself do things as long as I didn't cross a certain line. I justified things that were in essence exactly the same as what I wanted to avoid because they were slightly different. And lied about them. Writing about it makes me feel ill. I learned that although I had not relapsed like I used to, I was still very much the addict, and carried with me the deadly habits that come with it into our marriage.

It's been a year since these things began to come to the surface, a hard year. The hardest year. So much has happened. I can now say that I have honestly been sober for over a year. I haven't dabbled. I haven't pushed lines. I haven't justified. I have turned the other way each time Satan has put an idea in my head every day for the last year. An honest to goodness year. I still have pretty hard days, but they are becoming less and less as the days go by. I feel that I've found the Way - on this path, the yoke is easy and the burden is light. By staying on this path, I can stay sober. I never have to go back to that. It's so encouraging and humbling.

What changed this time?

• Honesty. I learned that honesty has to be #1. I must be honest with God. I must be honest with my wife. Most important, I must be honest with myself. That's where it starts. 
• I stopped dabbling. Acting out isn't participating in the addiction like we traditionally think. Acting out is any conscious step that we take in that direction. The little things count. Pushing the line counts. ANY choice I make that leads me in that direction needs to be appropriately addressed and repented of. 

I think that's it - being honest and not justifying even the smallest step in that direction. I still do most all the things in the first bullet list today, but they are no longer built on the sandy foundation that is my will and resolve. They are built on my faith and relationship with God. They are built on a foundation of honesty with myself, my wife, and my God. I now know that the strength of my sobriety will always be a reflection of both my honesty and the distance that I am from God. 

It finally feels like we're really moving forward. For real real. 

As I look back at the disaster I have caused from my poor decisions - words are inadequate to describe the sorrow I feel from it. 

As I look forward, I am feel hopeful. I feel excited. I feel aware. I feel prepared. Sometimes I still feel scared, but I know where that comes from. The future is bright. I don't ever have to go back to those things. All I need to do is keep being proactive and do the things that allow me to stay on this path, and God will lead me on.

Happy valentine's day, sweetheart. I love you.

Bored of the scriptures?

I'm on step 11 these days in the LDS 12-step book, and it has this quote that really got me thinking this morning:

"The idea that scripture reading can lead to inspiration and revelation opens the door to the truth that a scripture is not limited to what it meant when it was written but may also include what that scripture means to a reader today. Even more, scripture reading may also lead to current revelation on whatever else the Lord wishes to communicate to the reader at that time. We do not overstate the point when we say that the scriptures can be a Urim and Thummim to assist each of us to receive personal revelation" (Dallin H. Oaks).

This is so great. I have had the hardest time getting a lot out of my scripture study these days, and I think it's because I am waiting for really direct, obvious, slap-me-silly-in-the-face connections to my life in the scriptures instead of listening to the Spirit as I read. As soon as I read this quote, I remembered the times so often while on my mission that I was able to receive personal revelation from God on topics completely unrelated to the scriptures I was reading.

I'm really excited to try this out for the next few weeks and hopefully remember/figure out what it used to be like when I would do this. Maybe I just need a completely new set of scriptures cause I'm so used to seeing the same markings that I keep thinking of lessons I learned before or the meanings I got from it the last few times I read them, when I should be thinking about new lessons and ties in to my current situations.

I think this is the root of the problem anytime the scriptures 'get boring' to me. When I feel like I'm just reading the words on the page that I've read a few times before. Passively reading instead of actively reading (also scripture reading isn't ever as good as it could be when I'm either reading in a hurry or just to finish a particular section, but that's not entirely the topic here...). I'm excited to get a new fire as I try and read the scriptures with the windows of revelation open as Elder Oaks describes. Hopefully I'll have a few experiences to write down with time.

Being manly

So my wife and I watched The Notebook the other day. I'd never seen it, a fact that I was proud and felt made me more manly (it's supposedly a girl show). Surprisingly, it actually taught me more about being manly than anything I've seen in a long time.

The show starts off with this quote:

"I am no one special, just a common man with common thoughts. I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me, and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect, I've succeeded as gloriously as anyone who ever lived. I've loved another with all my heart and soul, and for me, that has always been enough."

I was moved by this quote, and by the rest of the movie for that matter. It was really inspiring and helped me put my life in perspective. By the end of the movie, I couldn't stop myself from crying (don't tell anyone). I was just filled with so much love for my wife and gratitude that we were together. I desired more than anything in the world that I would be able to say what that man said when I got to the end of my life, and I was filled with a greater commitment to treat my wife with love and respect for the rest of our lives. My addiction would have be do otherwise - the opposite in fact - and so I must do everything possible to make sure I never go down that road again.

Anyway, that was just a random thought for today. Short post, but one that is on my mind.

Seeing God's blessings around me

Something I always try to do (usually not well) is to stay up with the recent conference addresses. There's been so many times that I watched conference, loved it, and had it change my life for about 2 days until I forgot basically everything that everyone said. So I try (once again, usually not well) to go back and review a talk from last conference every so often to keep them fresh in my mind. Recently I read Pres. Monson's and had some thoughts about it.

His message was basically this: being grateful for the blessings in our lives, particularly the blessing that God's hears and answers our prayers. One paragraph in particular I liked was this one:

"...it is sometimes difficult to view the problems and permissiveness around us and not become discouraged. I have found that, rather than dwelling on the negative, if we will take a step back and consider the blessings in our lives, including seemingly small, sometimes overlooked blessings, we can find greater happiness."

And so I ask myself: what prayers of mine have been answered? What blessings am I overlooking, both small and large? I'm gonna try and list some of it out today.

Which of my prayers have been answered recently? I'm really not entirely sure. I guess I gotta think of what I pray for first. Here we go.

• Health and safety - My wife and have in fact been pretty healthy. We have our little things here and there, but overall, not so bad. Our families have also been relatively healthy and safe. 

• The Spirit's companionship - I pray for this one every day, and now that I think about it, I have had it every day. It has been there to warn me, to support me, and to strengthen me at the times when I have needed it most. 

• Relationship with my wife - Our relationship is slowly but surely getting back together. It feels like we go up a little, then down a little, up a lot, down a lot, but I believe there is an overall net progression and that we're both learning important things about ourselves, each other, and God. We both wish we could feel better sooner, but it's good that we're getting lots of time to learn so much so we won't have to learn these lessons later.

• Power to resist temptation at various times such as this one - I can't believe that was the last time I had to face a stronger temptation. I never thought it would get easier, but it is. I have truly felt a higher power beyond my own to deal with the struggles and stresses of life in much better ways that I have in the past. This is a daily thing for me, whether it be praying for deliverance in a focused attack from the adversary, or just to feel peace on a rainy day, I've felt strength. Not in the way I thought I would, but it is enough and I am grateful for it.

• Pray to know God's will - usually I think of this in times of temptation, because He ALWAYS provides a way out when I ask Him. But recently I had another one that came during personal study last week. My little sister is leaving on a mission soon and I thought during my study to send her a message about scripture study, so I did. Anyway, small thing, who knows what it did, if anything - but I had the feeling to do something and I did it, and that is a success. 

• Praying for my wife - I pray for my wife often. I pray for her to have strength, to feel peace, to have power beyond her own, to heal, and many other things. I feel that God is answering those prayers. The other day we were having a hard day and I felt to write her an email. I'm not great with words and was nervous the email wouldn't turn out good or would do more harm than good (sometimes that happens to me), so I prayed that God would bless my weak email so it could help my wife feel happy. She wasn't bouncing off the walls afterwards but she told me it helped her feel happier, which is what I prayed for.

• Lastly....Recovery - I realized something while reading this. I don't remember the exact day, but it has now been a full year since I have even started to seek out any sort of pornography or act out sexually. No gateway websites. No "gray area" videos or other media. No pretending to search out something just to see if I can find it. No... I can't even think of the word that I used to do all the time. Where you do something, and pretend like it's ok for reason A or reason B. Rationalizing. Nothing. I feel so humbled by that. Thank You...

I feel overwhelmed with gratitude as I think about the blessings God has given me over the last while. He has heard and answered my prayers both great and small. Usually slower than I would like, and not to the extent that I would like (I'm quite impatient), but He has. I'm grateful for the ability to recognize some of those blessings, and hope I can get better at it as God continues to open my eyes to better see His ever-present hand in the seemingly spontaneous flow of events going on around me.

The future is indeed looking bright. Turns out President Monson was right, that did help me be happy.  

Acting and not being acted upon

The Book of Mormon says that God created all things, "both things to act and things to be acted upon" (2 Nephi 2:14). As an practicing addict, I was very much something that was acted upon. I gave my will and control to the things around me. I felt like a boat on the stormy ocean without a sail, pushed whichever direction the waves seemed to be moving. Or there may have been times where I frantically put up the sail in the midst of the storm, sat back and expected it to lead me to safety (i.e. insincere prayers and half-committing efforts). I was led about by a flaxen cord. I made myself very much to be a victim of the circumstances around me. If things didn't go the way I expected them, I reacted to them. I was pulled in every direction by the temptations around me.

As a recovering addict, those forces are still there, but this time it's different: I've got a sail, and I know how to use it. Well, I'm learning how to use it. It's been so enlightening and empowering as I've gone from not knowing how I got from point A (feeling fine) to point B (acting out) to recognizing the earliest steps in that direction and being able to do something about them. The daily victories are so encouraging. Here are some of the ways that I am acting now:

Flossing my teeth every day. I'm 31/31 so far. (my new years resolution - I figure if I can do something this small (and surprisingly difficult) every day, then it will help my will power.)

Sending a message to my sister. The other day while studying I thought of something I wanted to tell my sister regarding scripture study so I sent her a message.

Waking up at 5:00 AM every morning to do scripture study, pray/meditate, and test study. I'm doing pretty well at this, about 2/3 days I make it. Only on harder mornings (like today) do I end up sleeping in a bit later. Sometimes it's just difficult.

Not reacting to other people driving on the road that make poor decisions. I'm grateful for driving because it's a good daily gauge multiple times a day for how I'm doing. If I react to every driver on the road that does something stupid/aggressive (and there are a LOT of them around here), then I am one angry bird, and I know that I'm in a 'reacting' mode and need to ask God to help me adjust. But if I'm able to not react and say, "they can drive and feel how they want, I will drive and feel how I want," and just let it go, then I feel much much better. 

Acting early to resist temptation. The 2 things that have brought the biggest change to my ability to stay clean have been 1) my admitting my complete reliance on God in all areas of my life and 2) the ability to recognize temptations early and to deal with them by seeking and doing God's will. Elder Bednar talks about this in one of his talks. He says that just like there are road signs that warn us of 'danger ahead,' God has always and will always give us warning signs when there is 'danger ahead.' It has been a long process, but by understanding both God and myself a little better, I know and recognize that voice very well now.

I was just studying about this today and thought I'd write about it. Plus it's one of those hard days again, and I could use a little boost in hope. I will do everything I can today to be something that acts. I will seek out God's will, particularly if I start feeling inclinations to seek out old methods of comfort. I will try to seek His will in other things. I will choose to act and feel how I would like to act and feel and not let my circumstances around me change that. I will hold on to the one thing that is constant in my spinning world. I will keep my anchor in the ground.

"Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with surety hope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God." Ether 12:4