10 Week Workshop - 5 Takeaways

So there's this 10 week workshop for couples that my wife and I just finished this Tuesday. Basically it was 2 hours a week on Tuesday night - it involved about 6 couples and 6 single people. For the first part of the meeting we would discuss the readings for that week and then there would be a certain topic or lesson that we were to discuss for the remainder of the class time. It seemed like it was quite beneficial for a lot of the people there, husbands and wives.

I thought I'd write a quick note about some things I took away from that workshop for me.

1) It helped us get even more comfortable with talking about, hearing about, and discussing this issue. At first it seems like it was impossible to not talk about this issue without one or both of us feeling depressed or angry. It seemed like the triggers were endless that could take us from feeling fine and dandy to dismal in an instant. I feel like the more constructive conversations we have about it, the more we understand what the other is going through and are able to be patient and supportive in dealing with it.

2) It helped to see other couples going through it. I've been seeing the guys that go through this for 3+ years while going to the LDS 12-step meetings, but I've never seen a wives' group or heard them talk about it. It was enlightening for me to see couples together in this situation and to see how they feel and how they deal with things. Sad, but enlightening. The first few weeks were really tough, I just felt like a big jerk and that I couldn't look anyone in the eye. But it got a bit easier as we all understood each other and all were working toward the same goal.

3) It helped me think less. That sounds weird, but I think that so often I (and other addicts) think WAY too much about things, particularly as we begin an intensive recovery regimen. I realized I've been overanalyzing things and thinking way too much about particular thoughts or feelings when I really just needed to take a breath and let things pass through me.

4) On that note, I realized the amount of negative self-talk I have - how much I put myself down in my head, how destructive some of my thought patterns are, and also how false some of the beliefs I've developed about life and love are. I need to simplify my life and my mind and focus on truths and the important things and not too many details.

5) I realized how amazing my wife is. Ok, I already knew she was pretty awesome, but as I watched other women go through what they were going through and heard things my wife said in answer to people's questions I just re-realized I married a pretty amazing girl. I am so grateful for the sacrifices she's made to be with me and the painful efforts she's put forth to try to get over the hurt I have caused. It takes someone really special to do that.

I guess those are the main points. There were all sorts of other topics and lessons that we were supposed to learn, but when I think back to it those are the things I will remember about the workshop. There is strength in being with other people in a positive atmosphere and we were blessed to be able to that. I'm looking forward to the Arizona family thing coming up on November 2nd.

Wifey and I were talking and a positive note came up about it (gotta hang on to those!) - it was that at least we'll have a heads up on this stuff when our kids start to get older. It won't blindside us. We are well aware of the challenges and consequences that this addiction brings and have experience battling it. Early on in recovery that was the answer to my question when I was trying to figure out why I would have this weakness... it was mainly because it's only going to get worse, and the world will need people with battlefield experience to help the wounded soldiers out there. So anyway, that was positive.

Togetherness Thingy

Just wanted to say thanks to all the women that attended the togetherness project thing up in SLC last Saturday. My wife came home and just had tons of positive things to say about it and I look forward to going over her notes and thoughts with her.

She said she met oodles of fabulous women that she can relate to and it meant so much to her - and that makes me happy. My wife finds so much comfort in knowing she's not the only one and that there are women out there just like her going through the same things that understand her. Kudos to whoever put it together.

At the same time I am fighting the urge to feel terrible about it all... the fact that my wife has to fly up to Utah and spend money to attend a conference to get over the ordeal that I put (/ am putting) her through makes me feel not awesome.

On a plus note about feeling terrible - my wife was having a really tough night last night (I think...) and it's because of things I've done/said in the past. Something I've been working on is being there for her at these times, because these situations usually turn into me feeling terrible and distancing myself because I feel bad for what I've done, but my wife doesn't need that, she needs reassurance and for me to be there for her. I've been really terrible about that in the past... growing up I was never been the one causing hurt and it's been hard to accept. But the last few times, including last night, I was able to fight past the feelings of withdrawing and running away and weather the tough feelings with wifey last night, and I'm proud of that. We've had such a rocky start to our marriage, but I think one by one we're fixing the little things that make relationships work which is really encouraging. And we're planning on finally moving forward together which is also really exciting - scary, but so exciting.

Iphone settings

So as I said before, wifey and I bought some pretty new iphones, and as I'm sure you all know, while convenient they unfortunately provide a whole new spectrum of temptation and ways to act out for us. I've been apprehensive about getting one just because I didn't want to have to worry about it, as has my wife, but we got em'.

One of the first things we did was talk about what limitations we should put on it. I'm to the point where I like limits on my media, because then I don't have to sit and fight and worry about it. Here are the settings on my phone that work for me.

Here are the two main ones:
Safari: off
Add apps: off

Also, twitter and fb and whatever else is blocked - no videos or anything. Don't need em.

And the wife has the passcode, of course.

One other thing my wife told me to put on here is that she asked me if I could think of any loopholes early on while we were figuring out the set up we wanted and I thought of one and told her and we fixed it. I'd much rather that than to sit and have the loophole eat at me and try to use willpower to push it out. Less worry = happier Nate.

Would it be nice to look at a website when I need to? Sure. Would it be nice to add a great app I want without asking my wife to put in the passcode to turn off restrictions, turn on app-adding, add the app, and then put the code in to turn restrictions back on? Of course. But convenience isn't my game anymore - it's safety, and I feel safe like this. I just don't need the ability to surf the web. I can get along fine without it. Yesterday's luxury does not need to become today's necessity. If there were a few sites that I really wanted to be able to check, there is a new way to filter and only allow certain websites. If I get to that point I'll just add the 2-3 websites I really need and call it good.

I was hoping that I'd be able to have internet, and the way I was thinking was to get k9 filter and covenant eyes app on my phone (the power combo on my computer), but I couldn't find a way to combine the two, it looked like I could have 1 or the other.

So I have a few medical apps I use, a calorie counter to keep track of what I eat, maps, email (but no ability to click on links within email), and not a ton else... just the bare minimum. And that works for me. I like feeling safe.

While the wife is away

So wifey headed up to SLC for the conference thing this weekend - couldn't be happier that she had the opportunity. I still feel really embarrassed and terrible that she has to fly to Utah for a conference because of the trauma I have caused her... but that's another issue.

It's been a busy weekend for me so there hasn't been anything in the realm of strong temptations to act out. Went out to dinner/billiards with a friend of mine after work on Friday, then on Sat I did service, tutoring, took my car in to the shop and read my new book, and then went paintballing with some friends.

I think it's important to keep busy while we are separated from our families... and make sure it's a good busy. One of the most important things I can do is deepen relationships with the people around me, and I was able to do a lot of that this weekend and feel pretty accepted and fulfilled in the things I was doing and the people I was with. So that's good. I also have been sure to not sit and surf online while she's gone (which is always the rule anyway).

The other day was actually the first time I inadvertently ran into pornography online, at least I think it was. The reason I'm not sure is because out of the corner of my eye it kind of looked like it and I instinctively closed the browser quick and stopped what I was doing. I was looking for an online site that would stream I football site I wanted to watch - online streaming sites are never a good idea and are almost always blocked on my comp anyway... so I also realized that was a bad idea in the first place.

Anyway, that was a nice experience and I wasn't tempted again about it. The other great thing is I was able to tell the wife about it soon after she got home and be transparent about that. Everything that builds trust is a good idea.

We're also praying about expanding our family here in the future, which although is scary to think about, I've got to admit is pretty exciting too.

Also we finally got iphones, something we've been worried about for a while, and I haven't even gotten close to having an issue viewing inappropriate things on it - that's great. Maybe in another post I can write about the settings on my phone that help me feel safe. It's so great because it's safe so it doesn't sit and nag me. I hate being nagged.

Those were the positive things of recent.

Negative things are kind of similar. I still have temptations to lust pretty often - I trained myself so well I think it's going to be a while till those stop. Also we made such a huge deal about it for a few months and I think it kind of messed up my approach to not lusting. Anyway... that is still frustrating to me. I'm making the right decisions with it though, and have faith things will get easier with time.

Also, the wife had a hard night at her parents' home tonight, and doesn't want to talk to me about it because the last time we had a conversation like that I criticized her for it instead of being supportive. Another bad habit I've been dealing with. It was a huge shame because she had an incredible day a the togetherness project too...

So those are the negative things of recent.

When I think/talk about addiction, I feel so grateful because watching porn/mb is not really a big temptation anymore! It is on occasion, and I'm sure there will be more temptations to come, but it is SO much easier than before and SO much less naggy. That's so encouraging. Still got a long road to walk, but I feel better about it.

Thinking positive

Having a hard morning, so I think I just need to spend some time thinking positively. Sometimes it's really easy to get caught up in the "I wish I had..." and "I wish she would have..." that I despair and lose focus on the main thing - what I can do about it now. And when I despair I typically think more negatively and have things turn out worse.

There's certainly evidence that shows that thinking positively or negatively influences performance. One study had one group of golfers imagine their putt going in and their other group imagining their putt just barely missing. Another study did the same thing with table tennis players. Both showed that the ones that thought positively performed better.

My mission president told us a story once of a study of a college tennis team where they took the top 8 players and took video of their performance. For the top 4, they made videos of only their mistakes (however rare they hay have been) and had them watch them before playing each day. For the bottom 4, they made videos of their awesome shots (however rare they may have been) and had them watch the clips each day before they played. By the end of the trial, the bottom 4 and top 4 had switched places. I don't have the resource on this, so I'm not sure of the accuracy, but I have no issue believing the principle of it.

Anyway, so I'm going to think positively today. I'm going to imagine wifey and I communicating well, both communicating and understanding oneanother's needs. I'm going to imagine myself talking about important things with her when I think about them, instead of being afraid and keeping them in. I'm going to imagine us feeling happy and starting a family together, even if it's a little scary. I imagine having a great day at work today. I imagine coming home and focusing on and caring for my wife's needs as we discuss her day and mine. Speedbumps will still come. Those golfers still missed putts. The tennis players still missed shots. But the important thing is that they progressed while the others digressed, and didn't get caught up in rehearsing over and over again the negative moments of life.

And there's also a difference between thinking positively and thinking naively obviously. It doesn't matter how many times I imagine myself throwing a perfect 50 yard football pass or dunking a basketball - just not happening, so it is important to assess plausibility in our positive thinking. One good assessment is to ask "has is happened before?" and "how long ago?"

Other positive things for me recently. I went over to my neighbor's house and sprayed his weeds for him. Another day I talked to him in his driveway. I set up a dinner with the older couple in our ward that I mentioned in my friend post. I didn't shut down when Laura and I had an important conversation. I didn't get upset or bitter one time when I felt I could have. And overall, I'm feeling a little less stressed and anxious than I have in months past.

Here's to having a positive day and doing what I can to make it so. Even though I feel like crap.

Rough Night

Not much time to write, but we had a bit of a rough night last  night. Things were going really well for a good while, longer than they had for months, and we were feeling better than we had in months, then out of the blue wifey was really upset at me. I know that she's stressed - the cat might be sick, we're trying to train our cat, she's picked up an extra job, and she's started an online business venture recently, all in addition to her busy and stressful teacher job.

We've still got our issues, one of which we've talked about a few times, and she wants me to bring it up to talk about, but I haven't. (Sorry to be cryptic, but I don't think it's appropriate to go into too much detail about us...). Anyway, the issues are there and we're working on them, and I've been focusing on comforting her when she's sad and being there for her emotionally and just let this other issue kind of fall through the cracks. She's obviously still been thinking about it (as I have), and all the extra stresses recently lowered the water level enough that our boat hit the rocks.

She didn't want to talk about it and was really angry at me for saying the same things I usually do that she's sick of. And that was the night. It's always hard to wake up and have her ignore me in the morning. It's hard to not get upset in return. It's hard to let emotion show and to deal with others emotions, esp since the family I grew up in didn't do that much. Marriage is just hard sometimes. I guess that's why they call it a developmental boot camp. What do I do? Keep trying to improve. Keep working on my weaknesses and issues. Keep trying to be patient and understanding. Keep developing, I guess.