We talked some really important things out, which is great. I am such a poor communicator sometimes. I feel like everything I say has to be he perfect/best thing to say in the moment, and if it doesn't meet that standard I don't say it. Often I'll stop talking mid-conversation with my wife because I can't think of the best thing to say and I sit and think and think but she takes it as indifference or that I'm done with the conversation... so that's something that we approached again. There were so many times where I said words that didn't seem to fit, or things that seemed to elementary - but she was right, it was so much better than nothing. I hope I can remember to do this more in the future, as we've talked about it quite a few times prior.
Good news is that my low didn't include me acting out. In the past, that was always the reason. I acted out and felt horrible. Part of this time's low was dealing with consequences of acting out before, but they are getting further and further behind us, smaller and smaller in the rearview mirror.
Also good news is that after talking through things and a short mourning period, we had a wonderful day together. We made some crafts together, watched a movie and ate popcorn, and talked about everything and nothing. We were like peas and carrots. It was bliss. We loved it.
At times I worry that I will never really be able to make my wife happy, regardless of how well I do. She worries about that too. I want to have faith in the atonement and that it can heal the devastation I've caused deep in her soul but sometimes worry, can that really happen?
Yesterday gave me hope. At least for a half day, we were two of the happiest people on earth.
I have faith that can happen more and more often, and that the downs can happen less and less frequently. I have faith that God can heal my wife, and that He can continue to heal me. I have faith that one day, the pain will disappear in the rearview mirror and we can drive forward with the lessons and experiences we share. This roller coaster we are on doesn't have to end where it started, like most. We can get off at a greater height than where we started and go find a different adventure. I have a feeling it'll still be a roller coaster, but as long as we keep getting off higher than where we got on then we're doing something right.
Great post Nate:) I am so glad you stayed strong at your low point. You are a great example to many.
ReplyDeleteOne thing that came to mind that has helped my husband and I with our communication is to read, "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus" by John Gray PHD. It has been an eye opener for the both of us. What was awesome was the fact that my husband recommended we read it together and discuss it. He never does that. I appreciated his willingness to connect in that way with me.
Great job connecting with your wife this weekend. Wives love it when their husband's engage with them. Just the fact that you are listening to her is amazing. Just listen and validate.
This is a beautiful post. Thank you for inspiring hope in me. I can already see so much growth in you from when you first started blogging. Thank you for sharing yourself and teaching me.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this: "We talked some really important things out, which is great. I am such a poor communicator sometimes. I feel like everything I say has to be he perfect/best thing to say in the moment, and if it doesn't meet that standard I don't say it. Often I'll stop talking mid-conversation with my wife because I can't think of the best thing to say and I sit and think and think but she takes it as indifference or that I'm done with the conversation... so that's something that we approached again. There were so many times where I said words that didn't seem to fit, or things that seemed to elementary - but she was right, it was so much better than nothing. I hope I can remember to do this more in the future, as we've talked about it quite a few times prior."
ReplyDeleteMy husband sometimes says he is a baby when it comes to emotional communication. I don't doubt it as his addiction has stifled his growth (and women tend to naturally be better anyway). I love reading the blogs from the other perspective because it reminds me to be gentle with my husband. It's easy to think "Oh, he's not SAYING it the right way or the way I need to hear!" and put the blame on him. I feel like it is so important to recognize that my husband IS trying and that it isn't easy for him, but to appreciate the efforts he gives. Thank you for sharing your path with us.
Yep, if there is anything I've learned with women and addictions....you have to share what you are thinking/feeling even if it comes out slow. I think girls have learned to be patient. :)
ReplyDeleteKeep being honest and open. I think that the more we train ourselves to communicate what we are FEELING and also learning to 'listen/validate' as Sparrow puts it....it'll help us and her.
And congrats on making it to the big tests, I'd be a basketcase by then.