Lesson 2: A spiritual foundation

Lesson 2: The foundation of recovery must be spiritual in nature

I remember when I was trying to recover early on I would listen to a group of tapes that I found online about beating addiction. In those tapes, the speaker went into detail about the cycle of addiction and it went something like this:

relapse > control phase > motivated phase > apathy/indifference > relapse etc...

I could relate 100%. After every single relapse, I would go into a reflexive control phase because what I just chose to do did not make sense. I'd analyze it all and come up with the brilliant idea that would keep me from relapsing next time. All I have to do next time is _____ and it won't happen again! Simple as that right? And so I would set various rules for myself and try to control everything around me.

It would work for a few days most the time, but then I would inevitably become apathetic and end up relapsing. After many trips through the cycle, I began to run out of new brilliant ideas. They seemed to always be the same thing - I just couldn't do them. No matter how determined I was in the moment. No matter how sad and depressed it made me feel. I would eventually get back to that point where for some reason, nothing else really matters.

And it wasn't like the thought didn't come to my head that God could help. Of course that thought comes. The confusing part was that I HAD asked God hundreds of times to take it away from me, to help me make the right decisions, to help me have the strength to resist temptation. And yes, I even read my scriptures and prayed! (shouldn't that solve everything??) I fasted, I got priesthood blessings, I spoke with bishops and tried to follow their counsel. And I just seemed to be falling further and further down...Then the thoughts come in that say, "well, I feel like I'm trying everything... if nothing I try ever works, what's the point in trying?"

There are ALL SORTS of issues with that statement, but the main point is that those moments are some of life's most polarizing. They either push us to the realm of bitterness and indifference, or they become the fuel that leads us into a state of humility and consecration. As depressing as these moments are, they can help us make "the only unconditional surrender which is also a total victory."

In these moments we can learn that recovery based on physical principles will always be temporary, and that lasting recovery must be built on a sure and constant foundation. In these moments we can seek God's will and ask Him, being willing to do anything He would have us do. I've had a few of these moments, the first of which is what led me to attend a support group. In that atmosphere, and as I studied the steps on my own and spoke with my sponsor, I learned what it really meant to ask God for help, what the point of reading and praying was, how He would help me, what pride I was still holding on to, what lies I had come to believe, the roots of my addiction, and much more. Granted, it came and is still coming one small piece at a time...

The physical 'road blocks' (as one bishop of mine referred to them as) are great. Filters, accountability software, accountability habits, personal rules, plans to escape temptation, etc are really important for resisting temptation and maintaining sobriety - but if they are built on the wrong foundation they just won't last. They can't be built on our will. They can't be built on our strength. They must be built on our faith and surrender to God.

By the time I started going to group, I already knew I couldn't do it. But I also didn't think God could, if He even existed at all. I had lost faith in Him. As I put my heart into step 2, I found Him again. I faced some of the most difficult temptations of my life - I prayed multiple times every day for help with complete commitment that I would choose the escape route He promises to provide each time. I felt like I was on this edge of a cliff battling to stay on, reaching out to God to keep me from falling, and the battle lasted pretty constantly for about 12 days and then one morning it was gone.

I got so much faith from that. That had never happened before. I thought that once those temptations came, they would never go away until I gave in. False. I've made my share of mistakes since then, but that lesson was vital to my early steps in recovery.

Now I approach every rule or means of recovery with the idea that I am completely reliant on God to complete it. They are only as good as my relationship with God is. I can do everything in my power but it will not be enough. If I am tempted to break a rule or justify a minor deviation, I must turn to God and talk it through and plead for His grace to change my heart and help me through the day. I must seek His will and find out what the escape plan is, because there is always a way out if we ask for it early enough.

Addiction is insanity. We seek comfort int he thing that brings us the most pain, consistently, despite its obvious harm to every aspect of our life that matters. It is a delusion. A delusional patient cannot talk themselves out of their own delusions - as crazy as it may seem to everyone around us, and even to us at times, somehow it makes sense to us at the wrong moments. Unfortunately that is the state of the natural man in us.

We need to seek out the Great Physician. Without him, we will continue in the cycle and continue to hold to the delusions we have come to believe. I know that by seeking, knowing, and staying close to the Great Physician, each of us can and will eventually find Him, and simultaneously find the lifestyle that is recovery that we so desperately desire.