Lesson 1: secrecy

1) Pornography problems are not resolved in secrecy - they thrive in it. 

I'd change my first name to something ridiculous (alouiscious, banana, meta world peace are the first things that come to mind) if I knew of an addict that didn't resist reaching out for years because he/she felt that this problem was best resolved on their own. I know I did. I had a problem for years before ever telling anyone other than a bishop. I feel like we are trained so well that when a problem comes up to go to a bishop, but then that's it. After years of addiction I finally opened to a friend, and maybe a family member, but I was still very secretive and got incredible at acting like everything was fine.  If I had a malignant tumor, I'd certainly seek medical help. Yet I was unwilling to seek help for the cancer that no one but I knew that was secretly destroying every aspect of my life. I became a master at living the double life.

How could I tell people? What if more people knew? What if I were to attend a group and were to see people I know? If anyone really knew who I was, they wouldn't want to be my friend. They'd be disgusted by me. They'd hate me. They'd judge me as a thing of naught. Funny, that's exactly how I felt about myself at the time.

Earlier on, it would only happen once every couple months so it wasn't that huge of an issue. I can just fix it on my own and it will be like it never happened. I don't want my loved ones to worry or to cause them unnecessary grief. It would destroy them. And besides, it would be so horribly embarrassing that it just wouldn't be worth it to reach out.

But it kept getting worse. And the worse it got, the more embarrassed I was. I drove myself further and further into isolation. After each slip I'd feel absolutely horrible all over again. I'd kill myself thinking of things I could do differently and recommit 100% to do things right the next time - but my will power was never enough on my own.And so the fire raged on...

Very early on while dating my wife, I told her that I had a pornography problem and was specific about what I was doing to fix it. I had made good progress over the last year and was feeling optimistic about things. However, I didn't tell her everything. I felt I could pick and choose what to tell her. I also continued to act out and not tell her about it. I did things that I convinced myself didn't count because they weren't as bad as the ways I used to act out - I believed the lie that it would be better for her not to know because she would just worry and it would just make her feel bad. This is my life's greatest regret. I wish a million times over I could go back and do things right. All I can do now is never ever make those justifications again.

Why did I stay in secrecy? Because I believed the lies that I've mentioned in the last few paragraphs. But they are all SO false! Maybe I'm an exception, but I have yet to talk to someone about my issue and wish I hadn't. Seeing someone I knew at group was always a blessing. I saw people from my ward, from my mission, my hometown, and from my job. There was an instant understanding and comradery between us that strengthened us both. Also, there's no such thing as a 'little pornography problem.' They are all significant and thus need significant attention. And unfortunately, the moment we chose lust and to act on that lust, we already broke our wives' hearts, and then destroyed the trust by lying and keeping things secret. Coming out with it all is the only way to allow the healing process to start - delaying it lets the venom spread.

We developed these habits in secret, and the idea of trying to fix them in secret makes about as much sense as trying to put out a fire with gasoline or freeze water in an oven. I now know that ANY time I am tempted to keep things a secret, I know where the feelings are coming from and I am wrong. I know that hiding things, however small, will lead to hiding bigger things. I know that I must maintain a completely open and honest relationship with my wife, with God, and with myself if I am to stay in sobriety and keep my addiction in check. That's what I've done for the last while and that's what I'll continue to do.