克服色情 (overcoming pornography) - a message to my Chinese friends

I noticed that I recently had a few views from people in China and Taiwan. This is a site for those struggling with addiction to pornography or similar things. And I'd love for it to be of some use to you as you seek to overcome this horrible plague that is destroying the lives of many. Anyway, by chance that you/they are actually Chinese or Taiwanese, I'd like to write a quick message:

各位講國語的朋友您們好！我有注意到有一些在臺灣和中國的朋友偶爾會看我的blog,不曉得你們是不小心遇到blog的還是也在努力地面對色情和類似的問題。社會標準和道德真的很亂，越來越糟了。雖然我們做了很多不好的決定，透過基督的贖罪，我們的確可以克服一切，包括貞潔方面的問題。千萬不要放棄！要是你們對面對/克服色情和類似方面有什麽問題的話，請在下面問。大家一起加油！

這個演講也講得很好：http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2006/10/he-heals-the-heavy-laden?lang=zho

Lesson 2: A spiritual foundation

Lesson 2: The foundation of recovery must be spiritual in nature

I remember when I was trying to recover early on I would listen to a group of tapes that I found online about beating addiction. In those tapes, the speaker went into detail about the cycle of addiction and it went something like this:

relapse > control phase > motivated phase > apathy/indifference > relapse etc...

I could relate 100%. After every single relapse, I would go into a reflexive control phase because what I just chose to do did not make sense. I'd analyze it all and come up with the brilliant idea that would keep me from relapsing next time. All I have to do next time is _____ and it won't happen again! Simple as that right? And so I would set various rules for myself and try to control everything around me.

It would work for a few days most the time, but then I would inevitably become apathetic and end up relapsing. After many trips through the cycle, I began to run out of new brilliant ideas. They seemed to always be the same thing - I just couldn't do them. No matter how determined I was in the moment. No matter how sad and depressed it made me feel. I would eventually get back to that point where for some reason, nothing else really matters.

And it wasn't like the thought didn't come to my head that God could help. Of course that thought comes. The confusing part was that I HAD asked God hundreds of times to take it away from me, to help me make the right decisions, to help me have the strength to resist temptation. And yes, I even read my scriptures and prayed! (shouldn't that solve everything??) I fasted, I got priesthood blessings, I spoke with bishops and tried to follow their counsel. And I just seemed to be falling further and further down...Then the thoughts come in that say, "well, I feel like I'm trying everything... if nothing I try ever works, what's the point in trying?"

There are ALL SORTS of issues with that statement, but the main point is that those moments are some of life's most polarizing. They either push us to the realm of bitterness and indifference, or they become the fuel that leads us into a state of humility and consecration. As depressing as these moments are, they can help us make "the only unconditional surrender which is also a total victory."

In these moments we can learn that recovery based on physical principles will always be temporary, and that lasting recovery must be built on a sure and constant foundation. In these moments we can seek God's will and ask Him, being willing to do anything He would have us do. I've had a few of these moments, the first of which is what led me to attend a support group. In that atmosphere, and as I studied the steps on my own and spoke with my sponsor, I learned what it really meant to ask God for help, what the point of reading and praying was, how He would help me, what pride I was still holding on to, what lies I had come to believe, the roots of my addiction, and much more. Granted, it came and is still coming one small piece at a time...

The physical 'road blocks' (as one bishop of mine referred to them as) are great. Filters, accountability software, accountability habits, personal rules, plans to escape temptation, etc are really important for resisting temptation and maintaining sobriety - but if they are built on the wrong foundation they just won't last. They can't be built on our will. They can't be built on our strength. They must be built on our faith and surrender to God.

By the time I started going to group, I already knew I couldn't do it. But I also didn't think God could, if He even existed at all. I had lost faith in Him. As I put my heart into step 2, I found Him again. I faced some of the most difficult temptations of my life - I prayed multiple times every day for help with complete commitment that I would choose the escape route He promises to provide each time. I felt like I was on this edge of a cliff battling to stay on, reaching out to God to keep me from falling, and the battle lasted pretty constantly for about 12 days and then one morning it was gone.

I got so much faith from that. That had never happened before. I thought that once those temptations came, they would never go away until I gave in. False. I've made my share of mistakes since then, but that lesson was vital to my early steps in recovery.

Now I approach every rule or means of recovery with the idea that I am completely reliant on God to complete it. They are only as good as my relationship with God is. I can do everything in my power but it will not be enough. If I am tempted to break a rule or justify a minor deviation, I must turn to God and talk it through and plead for His grace to change my heart and help me through the day. I must seek His will and find out what the escape plan is, because there is always a way out if we ask for it early enough.

Addiction is insanity. We seek comfort int he thing that brings us the most pain, consistently, despite its obvious harm to every aspect of our life that matters. It is a delusion. A delusional patient cannot talk themselves out of their own delusions - as crazy as it may seem to everyone around us, and even to us at times, somehow it makes sense to us at the wrong moments. Unfortunately that is the state of the natural man in us.

We need to seek out the Great Physician. Without him, we will continue in the cycle and continue to hold to the delusions we have come to believe. I know that by seeking, knowing, and staying close to the Great Physician, each of us can and will eventually find Him, and simultaneously find the lifestyle that is recovery that we so desperately desire.

Lesson 1: secrecy

1) Pornography problems are not resolved in secrecy - they thrive in it. 

I'd change my first name to something ridiculous (alouiscious, banana, meta world peace are the first things that come to mind) if I knew of an addict that didn't resist reaching out for years because he/she felt that this problem was best resolved on their own. I know I did. I had a problem for years before ever telling anyone other than a bishop. I feel like we are trained so well that when a problem comes up to go to a bishop, but then that's it. After years of addiction I finally opened to a friend, and maybe a family member, but I was still very secretive and got incredible at acting like everything was fine.  If I had a malignant tumor, I'd certainly seek medical help. Yet I was unwilling to seek help for the cancer that no one but I knew that was secretly destroying every aspect of my life. I became a master at living the double life.

How could I tell people? What if more people knew? What if I were to attend a group and were to see people I know? If anyone really knew who I was, they wouldn't want to be my friend. They'd be disgusted by me. They'd hate me. They'd judge me as a thing of naught. Funny, that's exactly how I felt about myself at the time.

Earlier on, it would only happen once every couple months so it wasn't that huge of an issue. I can just fix it on my own and it will be like it never happened. I don't want my loved ones to worry or to cause them unnecessary grief. It would destroy them. And besides, it would be so horribly embarrassing that it just wouldn't be worth it to reach out.

But it kept getting worse. And the worse it got, the more embarrassed I was. I drove myself further and further into isolation. After each slip I'd feel absolutely horrible all over again. I'd kill myself thinking of things I could do differently and recommit 100% to do things right the next time - but my will power was never enough on my own.And so the fire raged on...

Very early on while dating my wife, I told her that I had a pornography problem and was specific about what I was doing to fix it. I had made good progress over the last year and was feeling optimistic about things. However, I didn't tell her everything. I felt I could pick and choose what to tell her. I also continued to act out and not tell her about it. I did things that I convinced myself didn't count because they weren't as bad as the ways I used to act out - I believed the lie that it would be better for her not to know because she would just worry and it would just make her feel bad. This is my life's greatest regret. I wish a million times over I could go back and do things right. All I can do now is never ever make those justifications again.

Why did I stay in secrecy? Because I believed the lies that I've mentioned in the last few paragraphs. But they are all SO false! Maybe I'm an exception, but I have yet to talk to someone about my issue and wish I hadn't. Seeing someone I knew at group was always a blessing. I saw people from my ward, from my mission, my hometown, and from my job. There was an instant understanding and comradery between us that strengthened us both. Also, there's no such thing as a 'little pornography problem.' They are all significant and thus need significant attention. And unfortunately, the moment we chose lust and to act on that lust, we already broke our wives' hearts, and then destroyed the trust by lying and keeping things secret. Coming out with it all is the only way to allow the healing process to start - delaying it lets the venom spread.

We developed these habits in secret, and the idea of trying to fix them in secret makes about as much sense as trying to put out a fire with gasoline or freeze water in an oven. I now know that ANY time I am tempted to keep things a secret, I know where the feelings are coming from and I am wrong. I know that hiding things, however small, will lead to hiding bigger things. I know that I must maintain a completely open and honest relationship with my wife, with God, and with myself if I am to stay in sobriety and keep my addiction in check. That's what I've done for the last while and that's what I'll continue to do.

5 lessons learned

I think I'll write something I've been meaning to write for a little while.

If I were to write a letter with the thought that people who struggle with this but have not sought out help might read it, I think this is what I would write. More or less.

I've only really been involved in active recovery for a little less than 3 years, so I've still plenty to learn, but here are some nuggets I've learned along the way (for some reason chicken nuggets sound divine right now - just sayin.)

I originally was gonna put all of these in the same post, but then the first one turned out WAY too long, so I'm just gonna do one per post because nobody likes reading posts longer than the tour de france. So here's a quick summary of the top 5 things I've learned in the last almost 3 years of recovery:

1) Pornography problems are not resolved in secrecy - they thrive in it
Each of us tried to deal with this on our own for months, years, and even decades. we believed the lie that this is best resolved in secret so we don't worry or hurt those around us. In reality, we hurt our loved ones more than we can imagine the moment we made lust our god, and only by coming out and seeking help can the healing process occur for us and for them. My problem only got worse in secrecy, and slowly got better the more I was willing to bring it to light.

2) The foundation of recovery must be spiritual
I developed this addiction on my own. I turned to it. I fed it to the point that it made me insane. I kept seeking it despite its inherent and obvious eroding of everything important in my life. I consistently sought for comfort in the very thing that brings my life the most pain, despite the insanity of it. And in the moment, it actually made sense. The sick cannot heal themselves. We need the Great Physician.

3) Honesty is #1
Pornography poisons relationships, dishonesty obliterates them. Every lie I told eventually came to the surface, and the longer they stayed under, the more damage was done. Satan would have us believe that we are saving people grief by being dishonest, and 'getting away with one' by temporarily avoiding consequences. He is after all the father of all lies. Consistent honesty is the first step for a reason.

4) Watching pornography isn't my real problem
An addiction to lust isn't my real problem. It's simply the fruit of the tree that I've been taking such great care of for so long. The roots of my addiction go deep down and stem from my character weaknesses. Sexual addiction is simply my maladapted way of dealing with those things. If I am to heal, I need to fix the roots for good.

5) There is a Way out
After going through the cycle so many times, I felt there was no hope. I longed for change only to find I was changing for the worse. I felt I was stuck with no way out. Fortunately, there is a Way. I am now blessed with the knowledge that if I continue on my current path with God, I never need to turn back to those things again. It has and will continue to take a complete overhaul of my character and beliefs, but it is possible - and that made a huge difference.

That didn't go as well as I'd hoped... for some reason it's hard for me to really write down well the things I've learned and convey them in the way I wanted. Hopefully you all got something from it and it rang true.

If any of you still believes any of these myths, I plead with you to reach out. It's time to do something about it. Don't wait for another day - "there is no other day, all days are present now." Make the good decisions today that you need to make, and it will be easier to make them day after day until eventually the pesky lizard on our shoulder is taken and transformed into a magnificent steed for us to ride through the beauty life has to offer. Sounds corny when I say it, but Mr Lewis certainly does it justice.

Surviving changes

So much of overcoming addiction for me is being consistent when my environment changes. The times I used to struggle the most with abstaining seemed to be when my schedule/groove would get thrown off. Some examples that come to mind off the bat are:

• having unexpected free time for various reasons
• having school off for breaks
• returning from a vacation
• getting sick
• environmental changes - moving, new computer, etc.

There are a lot of reasons why the above situations were difficult, but if I had to narrow it down to a most important factor it would be readiness. When I'm in a set schedule with an environment that I'm used to dealing with, it is much easier to recognize and deal with things as they come. But when that schedule or environment gets changed, it almost feels like the wind shifts in a different direction or the earth shifts beneath me and I'm off balance. 

The great news is that I've had a bunch of the changes listed above happen over the last little while and have been able to anticipate difficulties and adapt without even getting close to a relapse! Examples:

• I had a complete week off of school for spring break. My wife was working the whole time. I had more than 2 days where I was completely on my own with no set schedule. I knew I would have this time on my hands and mentally prepared for it. I tried to stay busy and stay very aware of temptations if they were to come. I didn't let myself go into the ever deadly "vacation mode," ie, do what you want cause you're on vacation! That mindset tends to tarry. I took time to relax, but also did things during the day that were constructive.
• I had to send my computer in for hardware repairs and needed to use my wife's for a week or so at class. My computer is set up pretty safe, with a filter that my wife as the password to and accountability software that my wife gets a report of every week. Her computer is just password protected. So we talked about it and came up with a plan for how we'd take precautions (ie install a good filter) and make it work. I also kept the same rules we've set up with my computer while I was on hers. Just got my computer back last night and everything was fine. Didn't even get close to a slip. 
• I've had some persistent health problems for the last little while - multiple doctor visits (I have another one tomorrow), lots of pain, and just plain frustrating. 
• Today I don't have classes and am home all day. I knew when I woke up that I would need to be on my game and ask for the Lord's help, particularly because I felt sad when I woke up. So I spent nearly an hour for my personal study, said a sincere prayer, and am doing everything I can to stay aware of temptations around me. I have a plan that if temptations become strong I will leave the house and study elsewhere in a public location. 

Anyway, I just wanted to write about a positive note today cause I'm having a hard time feeling hopeful. These things gave me hope. Not long ago, all of those equations would have probably had the same, depressing conclusion. Not this year. That's hopeful. Very hopey (not a word, I know). 

What are the keys to coming out on top amidst change? I think its all about 2 things: anticipation and awareness. 

Dealing with change requires constantly looking forward as to what situations might be problematic. What struggles might I have tomorrow? Later today? This hour? What am I going to do if those struggles arise? What is my role, and what is God's? Some situations may seem unanticipatable (again... I know). While some situations may be more anticipatable than others, I think there is always an element of anticipation that can be applied to any situation, whether it be the day/week before a change is to occur, or taking a 'time out' as a change occurs and deciding how to approach it. 

Once we've anticipated what we can, we need to maintain awareness in the changed situation. Be constantly aware of negative thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that may put us in a mindset that could threaten our sobriety. Stay close to God and be aware of what His will may be for you. Have an escape plan and ask God for an escape the moment you feel yourself enticed to move in the wrong direction, and follow it before it starts. And most of all, don't give in to the obvious lures of satan to come closer to the edge because you 'can handle it' or you 'will probably be ok.' The moment you believe that voice, you're not ok. 

My, that was preachy. Sorry. I was just typing as if I was talking to myself or to someone who asked me that question. I don't usually like to do that. These are just things that work for me, and I want to remember them.

I feel so grateful to God for helping me deal with the changes that have come my way over the last little while, as well as the various daily stressors and struggles I deal with. I know that anticipating and preparing for changes will be absolutely vital to maintaining sobriety in the long run, and I will do all I can to prepare for the anticipated and unanticipated changes that come my way over the years. 

Roller coasters

It's no secret - life has it's ups and downs (and sometimes I make grammatical errors). Sometimes little, sometimes massive. These ups and down are particularly huge in an addict's life, as well as loved ones of addicts. The last few days I've had one of the lowest lows I've ever had. I am stressed for the new challenges a new med school quarter will bring. I am worried about taking the national board test in 3.5 months. I feel anxious about the future and whether I will be successful. I had some health problems and had to go to get a procedure done and go to a few different doctors' offices. Most of all, I saw again again what my addiction has done to my wife and experienced those feelings all over again. 

We talked some really important things out, which is great. I am such a poor communicator sometimes. I feel like everything I say has to be he perfect/best thing to say in the moment, and if it doesn't meet that standard I don't say it. Often I'll stop talking mid-conversation with my wife because I can't think of the best thing to say and I sit and think and think but she takes it as indifference or that I'm done with the conversation... so that's something that we approached again. There were so many times where I said words that didn't seem to fit, or things that seemed to elementary - but she was right, it was so much better than nothing. I hope I can remember to do this more in the future, as we've talked about it quite a few times prior.

Good news is that my low didn't include me acting out. In the past, that was always the reason. I acted out and felt horrible. Part of this time's low was dealing with consequences of acting out before, but they are getting further and further behind us, smaller and smaller in the rearview mirror. 

Also good news is that after talking through things and a short mourning period, we had a wonderful day together. We made some crafts together, watched a movie and ate popcorn, and talked about everything and nothing. We were like peas and carrots. It was bliss. We loved it. 

At times I worry that I will never really be able to make my wife happy, regardless of how well I do. She worries about that too. I want to have faith in the atonement and that it can heal the devastation I've caused deep in her soul but sometimes worry, can that really happen? 

Yesterday gave me hope. At least for a half day, we were two of the happiest people on earth. 

I have faith that can happen more and more often, and that the downs can happen less and less frequently. I have faith that God can heal my wife, and that He can continue to heal me. I have faith that one day, the pain will disappear in the rearview mirror and we can drive forward with the lessons and experiences we share. This roller coaster we are on doesn't have to end where it started, like most. We can get off at a greater height than where we started and go find a different adventure. I have a feeling it'll still be a roller coaster, but as long as we keep getting off higher than where we got on then we're doing something right. 

How to help children?

One of the things I am afraid of is that my children will have to deal with the same addictions I'm dealing with. We don't have kids yet, by the way, so I don't claim to know anything for sure on the matter - which honestly is always the case. :) This is just me thinking about the future. It's kind of a depressing thing to think about - the last thing I want in the world is for my child to have to go through what my wife and I have been through/are going through. However, I feel it's really important to think through clearly so standards can be set early and nothing falls through the cracks that could've been done.

When I think about helping my kids dealing with this, I feel both afraid and glad. I feel afraid because I feel that there are genetic and behavioral component to addiction, and my children will have those. I also feel afraid because of the direction society is headed. It is no longer a question or when kids will be exposed to it, but how early and how often. Kids are  being exposed to this stuff earlier and more frequently than ever before. It's impossible to avoid. I can't imagine how it will all be when my boys are having to make their own choices on the matter.

I feel glad, however, because my wife and I have been through such an ordeal with this issue and have learned much in the process - things that will allow us to create the best environment we can where our children can learn to make correct decisions. We can at least set them up for success - and who knows? Maybe that will be enough to help them not get lost in it.

So the question becomes, what can we do? Here is a list of things that initially come to mind:

• make and stick to good media rules (ie amount of media, where media is located, content of tv/movies/games allowed)
• teach/talk to them early and often - kids are being exposed earlier and earlier. I feel like I will need to be quite open and direct with my kids earlier than later
• limits on electronic devices (ie location of computer, filters, accountability, how much access they have, etc)
• have concrete ways to follow up - probably by asking them direct questions and via accountability software
• set a good example - by being accountable and active in my own recovery for my life, I can stay strong and be prepared for situations that could possibly arise

Some concerns I have at the same time:

• If I talk to them early - am I just planting the seed of curiosity? just giving them ideas? 
• I don't think so. Curiosity and ideas are coming from all around them. I'd rather be the one to discuss it with them in a healthy manner than the way that society would have them view things. 
• Do I tell them that I struggle with it?
• Probably a yes and and a no, depending on the situation. Haven't thought about it enough to know though. 
• Careful not to try to control too much
• As a parent trying to prevent this, I could see how control would be an issue. But when it gets down to it, if your kid is set to find pornography or have other issues, they will find a way regardless. The best things we can do is create a righteous environment full of support, love them, teach them and protect them best we can, and help them develop their own relationships with God. If my kids were to have a run in with this stuff, and statistically they all will, I want them to be comfortable telling me instead of just trying to deal with it in isolation. 

Anyway, those are just some random thoughts I had and wanted to write about. Most of this was from almost a week ago, but I've been kind of busy with various things and never got around to finishing it. Better late then never, right?

So I guess that's it. If anyone has ideas or experience on the matter it would be greatly appreciated.