Overcoming this addiction has been a HUGE part of my life for the last few years. It has caused me the most growth and the most pain. Is has been the mountain I have had to find the Way to move. It has brought me from the worst of sorrows to the greatest of hope. This isn't the frustrating part.
The frustrating part is that I wish I could share it with more people. I feel like I can share this with family members, some close friends, group members and in this online community, but I can't really come out and talk about it publicly. I can't help but feel that if I had overcome an addiction to drugs or alcohol, I would be more accepted recognized for my efforts. When the general population hears: "I used to be an alcoholic and I've been clear for 5 years," I feel like their hearts are filled with sympathy, encouragement, even adoration. When they hear "I used to be a porn addict, and I've been clean for __ years," it's a lot different.
There are so many times where a question is asked by someone in church or somewhere else where I'd love to share about the things I have learned and the experience, but it just wouldn't be acceptable. Someone in my home ward (and his wife) were recovered alcoholics and they'd talk about it all the time. People didn't seem to judge them. They were family service missionaries and did things at group. They shared about it in testimony meetings and in sunday school classes. I envy them.
Maybe I'm just not courageous enough. Or maybe I'm just not far enough away from it. Maybe it won't be in the future. Maybe everyone will wake up to how huge a problem this is and we'll all be a bit more open about it and not judgmental of others. Maybe I'm crazy. That's a lot of maybes. But there's no denying that by nature our addiction is different from others and much less socially accepted.
Until then I will simply have to find ways to mention lessons I've learned in a more vague way and take opportunities to share more details when the situation is right. Just thought I'd share this thought cause it's been on my mind a lot recently, and that's the point of this blog. :)
I'm pretty close to being over that. Working with youth has taught me that all of this stuff is very much on their minds. I think a generation is coming up that is ready to discuss these issues openly. In fact, I think they are eager for them to be discussed openly. Everyone, both boys and girls, need to know everything we know about it. If we don't, they are doomed to repeat our mistakes.
ReplyDelete"The frustrating part is I wish I could share more with people"..."Maybe I'm just not courageous enough..."
ReplyDeleteAnytime we mention phrases like "I'm not enough... " we are coming from a place of feeling unworthy... not good enough... shamed.
There is a video that I recently posted on my blog that addresses this very issue and I highly recommend watching it... I learn something new everything I watch it... but one line really stands out to me: "Shame: We need to talk about it, the less we talk about it the more we have it."
It's a giant leap for sure. As one who has come from the depths of sickening shame to sharing my story I can testify that the adversary doesn't want you to share, doesn't want you to heal and doesn't want you to share recovery - he want's you silent.
I'm not saying go out and shout it at the world. I'm saying pray about it, ask HF what HIS plan is for you... and if His plan is to have you share it more openly with others, ask Him how, and ask Him to instill in you the strength and courage to do so. He will. I know it.
Here is the link to the video I referenced... watch it!
http://www.bythelightofgrace.com/2013/01/the-power-of-vulnerability.html