How to change a bad mood

Even though things are going good in recovery, my wife and I still have hard days pretty frequently. It just kind of happens... and I'm pretty sure it will continue to happen for a while. However, I believe the scale will continue to tip towards having more and more good days than bad as we get further into recovery. One problem for me is that when I get in a bad mood or get depressed with this, I tend to get stuck. I simply feel horrible and it seems there's no end in sight. I don't know how to pull myself out and I don't know how to help my wife pull out either.

I honestly don't really know how to deal with these feelings very well at all - most of the answers seem to fall in the "easier said than done" realm. However, I learned something yesterday at church that I thought was perhaps a little message from God.

We were about 40 minutes late for church, so we walked in and stayed in the foyer to listen to the last couple of talks. After a few minutes, an old (and frankly, kind of crazy-looking) man walked by me. I made eye contact, managed a half-smile and asked how he was doing as we was leaving. He replied he was doing well and returned the greeting. Then he said something to the effect of, "Well, you're in the right place. Cause no matter how bad a mood you were when you got here, you're gonna leave in a better one."

That hit me pretty hard. At first I wondered if it was God sending me a message through this old man, or if it was just random, but I've decided to quit wasting time wondering if things are random. So we went through the church day, and even though we weren't dancing hand-in-hand down the hallways - the crazy man was right - we were in a better mood than when we came.

Here are a few other things that I feel like help me, although I have a hard time being consistent with them:

1) Like going to church, when I'm in a bad mood I need to do things that will help me feel the spirit, even if I don't want to. The natural feeling is to 1) do nothing or 2) seek out something to numb the pain. I don't need something to numb the pain, I need something to heal the pain - and when I seek it, Christ's healing power seems to help me feel a little better - never as much as I want (I'm kind of demanding), but a little. I've noticed that temptations are usually stronger when bad moods hit - probably because I trained myself for years what to do for a quick fix. I'm so grateful to God for helping me find a better way. He helps me see early when my mind starts to move in that direction, and cut it off before I even start moving in that direction.

2) After seeking out God, I feel like doing other things I enjoy tends to help me to pull out. But once again, I need to be careful not to turn to things to just numb the pain. It's kind of a hard balance I guess, one that I don't understand. All I know is that when I get busy doing something else, it helps me to get my mind away from the sorrow and on to other things - and sometimes getting away from the problem for just a short while helps put it in perspective and helps me to deal with it in a more positive attitude when I re-approach it shortly thereafter.

3) As for how to help my wife at the same time, I'm not sure. I'm still trying to learn what I can do that is best for her during these difficult times. I do know one thing: getting upset back is never the answer and is never justified. Support and patience are really important. I do my best to talk things through it she wants to, but also to give her space if she needs it. Sometimes if I try too hard to stay close it seems to have an opposite effect.

4) The only other thing I can think of that helps me is to focus on the heavenly virtues of patience and hope (patiently hopeful?). In a world that encourages us all to look for quick fixes, sometimes it's hard to take a step back and let time run its course. Hard times stink. But they do make us stronger. Try and find the silver lining. They remind me of the pain that I felt while in the addiction and remind me that I never want to go back. They remind me how dependent I am on my Savior. I have complete faith and hope that if we continue to rely on the Savior and look forward with an eye of faith that God will deliver us and heal us. I'm sure He wants to teach us some more things along the way (what better time to teach than when we are humbled by the situations around us?), but I know we will succeed together.

If I could just do these things, then maybe I'd pull out of my bad moods faster, or at least I'd have a better outlook during them. Hopefully these things come in handy next time there's a rainy day.

From the ultimate optimist: "Things will work out. They always do."  - Pres. Gordon B Hinckley

Personal Revelation - Easy? Hard?

I'm currently working on step 11 for the first time through. The key principle of step 11 is to "seek through prayer and meditation to know the Lord's will and to have the power to carry it out." While I'm still really early in this step, I've already had some great thoughts and experiences that I want to record for later reference.

First of all, my experience the other day at church. That was a humbling experience that God let me be a part of and I'm so grateful for it. Faithfully and courageously following through on feelings brings results.

Next: I've almost gone a full year without acting out, or even getting close to. Some days go by with ease, others are still a struggle. Yesterday was a struggle. I was quite down from the previous days difficulties and I had a ton of time by myself at home. I could tell on the drive home that it would be a hard afternoon, and it started off that way. As I felt the temptations come, I got on my knees and prayed and asked God what he would have me do. I had the feeling that I should watch a conference talk on personal revelation and seek God's will. Later in the evening I thought about my day and realized that I couldn't remember a single temptation after making that connection with God. What a blessing.

In addition to the above situation, the fact that I even realized the stronger temptations early on and realized that I should do something about it was a matter of revelation from the spirit. Before, I would constantly found myself going from point A to point B in a blur. Now the spirit warns me and encourages me to seek God's will to get out. What a blessing.

Also, I know that God always provides a way out of temptation when I ask Him. I have never failed when I pray during a temptation, ask God (sincerely) what to do, and do it with full intent. He always provides an escape. I am so grateful that I understand that principle and that I have been given many, many escapes.

Next, the goals I set. During the talk I watched yesterday, I realized that God has been trying to get me to set a more solid schedule for a few weeks now - I've just been too lazy to do it. Until this morning. I started this blog at 5:19 AM as part of my morning study and I'll finish it later. I have other things I'll do each morning. Here's the schedule: wake up at 5:00 AM. 30 min personal study, including 5 min of just prayer and meditation. 1 hour of test preparation. 30 min of fudge time, in case I want to wake up a bit later on a certain day, or if my wife wants to go running. I'm going to try it for at least a week and see how it goes. I pray God will support me in my efforts.

In this process, I've found that I all but forgot what it meant to receive personal revelation. As a missionary, it seemed to be at my fingertips whenever I needed it. Over time, that knowledge just faded into the abyss of unused knowledge that seems to be the majority of my brain. I'm glad to be getting it back.

The essence of step 11 is a lifetime commitment to seek guidance from God daily and obey His commandments  It seems so daunting - and I feel like I still really do not understand personal revelation. I frequently find myself giving in to pride, laziness, or doubt as I seek to know and follow God's will. But I've got a few experiences now in my recent memory that I can look back on. A light is starting to come on.

Update: wish we could share more

I'm a believer that things happen for a reason and that God has a hand in our every day lives. Sometimes it's seemingly impossible to see, sometimes it's a bit more obvious.

Case in point:

On Saturday, I posted about how I wish I could share more about my progress bc of my addiction with others and that people would be excited for my progress rather than disgusted by where I've been (read about it here). I've experienced both sides of that coin, but God gave me a glimmer of hope in the form of a prompt response to that wish.

The very next day, while at church, my wife pointed out a guy that was visibly depressed. He was a young guy, early 30s, sitting by himself in the back right corner of the chapel. My wife mentioned how sad he looked and reminded me that she had mentioned him before in conversation. She's one of his kids' primary teachers, and learned that he recently moved here because he and his wife are separated, soon to be divorced. 

After church, my class got out early (a rarity when I teach) and it just so happened that I ran into him in the hall around the time church got out. I asked him a few questions about himself and he very openly told me  of his situation. Before I really knew it, I talked to him about the recovery group I attend and mentioned I knew a few guys there that were close to or currently experiencing divorce and the toll it had on them. He promptly asked what kind of recovery group. I looked around to make sure no one was close, jumbled around a bit and finally spit out, "for sexual addiction."

His response: "good for you!" Then he said he has 2 friends who go to the same groups, one of which is doing great. We then had a good conversation about how we all get dealt different hands in life, and so often they are not the hands we expected, wanted, or deserve. So often we would never expect that's what we would get dealt (or that we'd choose those cards, in some cases).

Anyway, it took me hours before I realized that just the day before I was complaining about how I don't really get to share my experiences with others and my fear that if I would, they would look at me with disgust. God reminded me yesterday that there are plenty of people who are waiting and willing to learn from our experiences and to help us learn from theirs. They're waiting to tell us "good for you." God doesn't usually give me such prompt and obvious responses to inquiries, but I'll take them when He's willing. I think he and I were an answer to each others' prayers. It was nice to talk to someone with no fear of being judged - felt a lot like group. I hope someday that will be a constant reality for me. 

This was also nice to share today because I'm feeling really depressed because of the things I've done in the past - it was nice to focus on some positive things and have things brightened up a bit. 

Wish we could share more...

Overcoming this addiction has been a HUGE part of my life for the last few years. It has caused me the most growth and the most pain. Is has been the mountain I have had to find the Way to move. It has brought me from the worst of sorrows to the greatest of hope. This isn't the frustrating part.

The frustrating part is that I wish I could share it with more people. I feel like I can share this with family members, some close friends, group members and in this online community, but I can't really come out and talk about it publicly. I can't help but feel that if I had overcome an addiction to drugs or alcohol, I would be more accepted recognized for my efforts. When the general population hears: "I used to be an alcoholic and I've been clear for 5 years," I feel like their hearts are filled with sympathy, encouragement, even adoration. When they hear "I used to be a porn addict, and I've been clean for __ years," it's a lot different.

There are so many times where a question is asked by someone in church or somewhere else where I'd love to share about the things I have learned and the experience, but it just wouldn't be acceptable. Someone in my home ward (and his wife) were recovered alcoholics and they'd talk about it all the time. People didn't seem to judge them. They were family service missionaries and did things at group. They shared about it in testimony meetings and in sunday school classes. I envy them.

Maybe I'm just not courageous enough. Or maybe I'm just not far enough away from it. Maybe it won't be in the future. Maybe everyone will wake up to how huge a problem this is and we'll all be a bit more open about it and not judgmental of others. Maybe I'm crazy. That's a lot of maybes. But there's no denying that by nature our addiction is different from others and much less socially accepted.

Until then I will simply have to find ways to mention lessons I've learned in a more vague way and take opportunities to share more details when the situation is right. Just thought I'd share this thought cause it's been on my mind a lot recently, and that's the point of this blog. :)

Yellow jersey on fire

With the whole Lance Armstrong thing going on recently, I can't help but draw parallels between his story and mine as an addict. Some of the ones that come to mind are:

1) The reason we lie - most often, what it comes down to is fear. I'm sure Lance went over the consequences over and over again, and coming clean just didn't add up to the tsunami of effects that would come from telling the truth. In the past when I would act out I would lie because I was afraid of the consequences, but...

2) The longer we wait, the worse it gets - upon telling a lie or doing something we are ashamed of, we must come clean immediately or it will only get worse. There are no exceptions to this. It will always be worse, and it will always be harder, and it is never worth it to wait. Had Lance come out early rather than waiting after he had sued numerous people for trying to call him out and before winning 7 TDFs, I don't think it would have been near this bad. Had I come out earlier in my addiction, or had I confessed to things earlier rather than hide them, I (and the people around me, particularly my wife) would have avoided a significant portion of the pain my decisions have caused. 

3) Lies escalate - it starts off with a single infraction. Then out of fear we hide the infraction. The first lie we always tell is to ourselves. It comes in the form of - everyone else is doing it. I don't need to fix it this time. One more time won't hurt. I'll be able to stop. No one else needs to know. I can just deal with this on my own. It wasn't that bad, I'll confess next time - if there even is one. It would cause others too much pain, it's best to keep this one hidden. All of these are lies I've told myself, and I'm sure Lance told himself as well. These lies build and build on each other until we would do almost anything to keep from being found out. Lance Armstrong sued people who were (accurately) accusing him. Edwards (a politician in the news a little while back) got one of his staff to claim he had an illegitimate child with someone when in fact it was his own. I'm sure there are countless others. 

4) Lies distort our perception of truth - the more we lie, the less we understand truth. I remember a time when I was unsure what I had lied about and what I had told the truth about. There are stories from my childhood that I lied about that I honestly have no idea what the truth about them is. Some people think that we can get to a point where we don't know truth from lie - it's possible. I've thought that at time and I haven't at others. Either way, it distorts it, and degrades our ability to tell the truth. Learning to tell the truth has been an incredibly difficult and painful experience for me, and I'm still working on it. 

5) Lies destroy trust - when we lie, it destroys others' ability to trust us. Reading this article by Rick Reilly was particularly eye-opening for me. He's a renown sports columnist and had a lot of contact with Lance over the years. The betrayal that he feels is in some ways similar to the betrayal that my loved ones have felt. It will take a long time for Rick to trust Lance again, and it will certainly take a while before people can really trust me again. I believe will happen though as I continue to make good decisions and prove that God is changing me. 

Example: just yesterday I was playing a racquetball game. Earlier in the game when I was ahead in points, I did a double hit (illegal hit), confessed it, and gave the other guy the point/ball. The thing about double hits is that your opponent doesn't really see them unless they are looking closely. Later in the game when it was tied (or maybe I was down a point) and it was a bit more intense I did another double hit and won the point, but this time said nothing. I went up and served it and immediately felt wretched. Looking back, I should've just stopped the game, even if we had played a point or two afterwards and gone back, or taken a penalty. For some reason I told myself that I couldn't do that because it had already happened and we continued to play. 

I ended up winning the match decisively, so in the end it didn't matter to the result of the game, but that is inconsequential. It does matter to me, and it was frustrating for me to see that I was willing to come and tell the truth when it was easy, but unwilling when it was convenient for me. Good news is (my wife helped me see this) I realized it and realized it was wrong. And also that it's about a small thing instead of big things like it used to be. 

Lance and I both have a long way to go. We all do. We have a lifetime of work ahead of us. But it is possible and it is worth it. 

The lizard on my shoulder

I'm not a big reader.

Aside from the Goosebumps series when I was in 4th grade, I don't recall ever really loving to read much. However, there is one author I enjoy, even though I don't get 80-95% of what he's describing: C.S. Lewis.

Probably my favorite piece of literature he has written is "The Great Divorce." It's about a group of people who have deceased that get on a bus together that first takes them through hell and then up into heaven where they see the angels and other ghosts there. His insights into heaven and how we get there are really thought-provoking. Heaven is "more real" than anything they've ever seen. Small objects are too heavy for them to lift. They are unable to walk on the grass because it's so spiky. The symbolism throughout the whole thing is really beautiful.

Probably the reason I like it so much is because of one particular ghost that the author sees having a conversation with an angel. The ghost has a little lizard on his shoulder that I'm pretty sure represents the vice of lust. It's a bit of a read, but worth every minute. Here you go:

I saw coming towards us a Ghost who carried something on his shoulder. Like all the Ghosts, he was unsubstantial, but they differed from one another as smokes differ. Some had been whitish; this one was dark and oily. What sat on his shoulder was a little red lizard, and it was twitching its tail like a whip and whispering things in his ear. As we caught sight of him he turned his head to the reptile with a snarl of impatience. “Shut up, I tell you!” he said. It wagged its tail and continued to whisper to him. He ceased snarling, and presently began to smile. Then be turned and started to limp westward, away from the mountains.

“Off so soon?” said a voice.

The speaker was more or less human in shape but larger than a man, and so bright that I could hardly look at him. His presence smote on my eyes and on my body too (for there was heat coming from him as well as light) like the morning sun at the beginning of a tyrannous summer day.

“Yes. I’m off,” said the Ghost. “Thanks for all your hospitality. But it’s no good, you see. I told this little chap,” (here he indicated the lizard), “that he’d have to be quiet if he came—which he insisted on doing. Of course his stuff won’t do here: I realise that. But he won’t stop. I shall just have to go home.”

‘Would you like me to make him quiet?” said the flaming Spirit—an angel, as I now understood.

“Of course I would,” said the Ghost.

“Then I will kill him,” said the Angel, taking a step forward.

“Oh-ah-look out! You’re burning me. Keep away,” said the Ghost, retreating.

“Don’t you want him killed?”

“You didn’t say anything about killing him at first. I hardly meant to bother you with anything so drastic as that.”

“It’s the only way,” said the Angel, whose burning hands were now very close to the lizard. “Shall I kill it?”

“Well, that’s a further question. I’m quite open to consider it, but it’s a new point, isn’t it? I mean, for the moment I was only thinking about silencing it because up here—well, it’s so damned embarrassing.”

“May I kill it?”

“Well, there’s time to discuss that later.”

“There is no time. May I kill it?”

“Please, I never meant to be such a nuisance. Please—really—don’t bother. Look! It’s gone to sleep of its own accord. I’m sure it’ll be all right now. Thanks ever so much.”

“May I kill it?”

“Honestly, I don’t think there’s the slightest necessity for that. I’m sure I shall be able to keep it in order now. I think the gradual process would be far better than killing it.”

“The gradual process is of no use at all.”

“Don’t you think so? Well, I’ll think over what you’ve said very carefully. I honestly will. In fact I’d let you kill it now, but as a matter of fact I’m not feeling frightfully well today. It would be silly to do it now. I’d need to be in good health for the operation. Some other day, perhaps.”

“There is no other day. All days are present now.”

“Get back! You’re burning me. How can I tell you to kill it? You’d kill me if you did.”

“It is not so.”

“Why, you’re hurting me now.”

“I never said it wouldn’t hurt you. I said it wouldn’t kill you.”

“Oh, I know. You think I’m a coward. But it isn’t that. Really it isn’t. I say! Let me run back by tonight’s bus and get an opinion from my own doctor. I’ll come again the first moment I can.”

“This moment contains all moments.”

“Why are you torturing me? You are jeering at me. How can I let you tear me to pieces? If you wanted to help me, why didn’t you kill the damned thing without asking me—before I knew? It would be all over by now if you had.”

“I cannot kill it against your will. It is impossible. Have I your permission?”

The Angel’s hands were almost closed on the Lizard, but not quite. Then the Lizard began chattering to the Ghost so loud that even I could hear what it was saying.

“Be careful,” it said. “He can do what he says. He can kill me. One fatal word from you and he will! Then you’ll be without me for ever and ever. It’s not natural. How could you live? You’d be only a sort of ghost, not a real man as you are now. He doesn’t understand. He’s only a cold, bloodless abstract thing. It may be natural for him, but it isn’t for us. Yes, yes. I know there are no real pleasures now, only dreams. But aren’t they better than nothing? And I’ll be so good. I admit I’ve sometimes gone too far in the past, but I promise I won’t do it again. I’ll give you nothing but really nice dreams—all sweet and fresh and almost innocent. You might say, quite innocent . . .”

“Have I your permission?” said the Angel to the Ghost.

“I know it will kill me.”

“It won’t. But supposing it did?”

“You’re right. It would be better to be dead than to live with this creature.”

“Then I may?”

“Damn and blast you! Go on can’t you? Get it over. Do what you like,” bellowed the Ghost: but ended, whimpering, “God help me. God help me.”

Next moment the Ghost gave a scream of agony such as I never heard on Earth. The Burning One closed his crimson grip on the reptile: twisted it, while it bit and writhed, and then flung it, broken backed, on the turf.

“Ow! That’s done for me,” gasped the Ghost, reeling backwards.

For a moment I could make out nothing distinctly. Then I saw, between me and the nearest bush, unmistakably solid but growing every moment solider, the upper arm and the shoulder of a man. Then, brighter still and stronger, the legs and hands. The neck and golden head materialized while I watched, and if my attention had not wavered I should have seen the actual completing of a man—an immense man, naked, not much smaller than the Angel. What distracted me was the fact that at the same moment something seemed to be happening to the Lizard. At first I thought the operation had failed. So far from dying, the creature was still struggling and even growing bigger as it struggled. And as it grew it changed. Its hinder parts grew rounder. The tail, still flickering, became a tail of hair that flickered between huge and glossy buttocks. Suddenly I started back, rubbing my eyes. What stood before me was the greatest stallion I have ever seen, silvery white but with mane and tail of gold. It was smooth and shining, rippled with swells of flesh and muscle, whinnying and stamping with its hoofs. At each stamp the land shook and the trees dindled.

The new-made man turned and clapped the new horse’s neck. It nosed his bright body. Horse and master breathed each into the other’s nostrils. The man turned from it, flung himself at the feet of the Burning One, and embraced them. When he rose I thought his face shone with tears, but it may have been only the liquid love and brightness (one cannot distinguish them in that country) which flowed from him. I had not long to think about it. In joyous haste the young man leaped upon the horse’s back. Turning in his seat he waved a farewell, then nudged the stallion with his heels. They were off before I well knew what was happening. There was riding if you like! I came out as quickly as I could from among the bushes to follow them with my eyes; but already they were only like a shooting star far off on the green plain, and soon among the foothills of the mountains. Then, still like a star, I saw them winding up, scaling what seemed impossible steeps, and quicker every moment, till near the dim brow of the landscape, so high that I must strain my neck to see them, they vanished, bright themselves, into the rose-brightness of that everlasting morning.

SO many lessons from this - I'll let you draw the ones that are most significant to you. For me, the thing that returns to my mind over and over again is this: If we give the Lord our wills and allow Him to mold us as He would, then this weakness can become a strength. This vice can become a virtue. This ugliness can become beautiful. (That and the "this moment contains all moments" part. Profound.)

This is my hope. When times get rough, I think about my lizard turning into a majestic stallion. Even though right now it just burns, through patience and perseverance that can happen for me too. One day we can all go riding. Deal? Deal.

The price we pay

Smoking 2 packs a day for a year? $4,380.

Liver transplant due to alcoholism? $300,000

Costs of a pornography addiction?   

When trying to convince a smoker to quit smoking, one could use a variety of methods. Usually friends and doctors try and convince them to quit primarily for health reasons. It is common knowledge that smoking increases your risk for a great number of cancers and other diseases. Another reason people try to get them to quit is financial reason. We talk about how much money a smoker would save if they would quit. If we do an average of $6/pack for a person who smokes 2 packs/day, they would save $365/month – that’s $4,380/year! That’s a pretty penny. Pretty much a nice car payment. Then you have the money they will eventually spend on health problems related to smoking, which is exponentially higher. In addition, to health and finances, there are also social and emotional consequences that I imagine a person addicted to nicotine would feel (as well as a variety of others I haven’t thought of). Oh, and it is indicated as a factor in killing nearly 500,000 people per year in America alone.

Yet, despite these very obvious costs of smoking the cancer sticks (as grandpa calls them), almost 20% of Americans smoke. A doctor could look a nicotine addict straight in the eye and tell them, “If you do not quit, you will die” and there would still be many that go home and light it up.

It sounds all too familiar to me. I remember thinking/writing down lists of things that my addiction was costing me. And yet no matter how many times I went over that list I still acted out for years.

Well, now that I’m working my way through recovery I can tell the price that I paid and continue to pay because of my choices regarding addiction.  The costs of pornography indulgence are unfortunately unquantifiable and much more valuable than money, and the damage cannot be fixed by any physical transplant, but a spiritual transplant of God’s will into our souls.

I wanted to make a quick list here in no particular order, so I can remember what it cost me, and so I can tell others what it will cost them. (Note: when I say “It made me” do something, I do not mean to make myself a victim of circumstance or say it is “its” fault. I fully realize my role in this and that I brought this all on myself through my bad choices.)

1.       Spirituality

a.       It destroyed my faith in God.

b.      It damned me while I participated in it.

c.       I lost out on years of learning and progression that I could have had otherwise.

d.      It made it so I didn’t help others during that time because I could not help myself.

2.       Mentally

a.       I feel like it made my memory worse. It “[blew] a crater in [my] brain.” (Holland)

b.      I got to the point where I didn’t know lie from truth.

c.       It filled my thoughts with filth - it is still a daily battle.

3.       Socially

a.       I have had to relearn how to act around people.

b.      And even want to be around people.

c.       It perverted my thoughts and desires.

d.      It caused me to pursue girls that I didn’t really want to be with

e.      And to be confused about what kind of girl I really wanted.

f.        It made me think it was ok to use the girls I associated with selfishly.

g.       Completely skewed my perception of love.

h.      I have had to break away from my false ideas about love and relearn from scratch what love is and how to express it.

i.         I developed a habit of lying to everyone around me.

j.        So many factors of this have caused major problems between my wife and me. It has brought her more sorrow and pain than I ever imagined I could cause anyone.

k.       It caused me to be insensitive to others.

4.       Personally

a.       It absolutely obliterated any self-confidence I had. I have had to work hard to regain confidence in myself – and I still don’t have it. Also it destroyed others’ confidence in me.

b.      I wasted so much time on it. I can’t get that time back.

c.       I was confused about my identity.

d.      I lived a double life – who I was around others and who I was when I was alone were polar opposites.

e.      It made/makes me depressed.

f.        It made me hate myself.

That’s the price I have paid. Those are just the things off the top of my head. I’m sure it affected me in other ways that I haven’t even realized.Was it worth it? Absolutely, completely, positively, 100% not. Not once. It was never worth it and will never be worth it. It’s not worth one of those consequences and yet it brings on all of them. Recovering from this is worth every effort. 

I wish more than anything I could go back to teenage me and show him this list and let him know what those ‘little’ choices back then would lead to. But instead, I must rebuild. I must regain each of those things one by one. Some of them have come back, some are improving, some are still barely starting to come back, some are still a huge issue.

Wherever they are, I believe that Christ can heal them. I believe that He will for me and for all of us. The atonement is infinite for reasons. I’m one of them. 

Good decisions and personal revelation

The title of my blog is "good decisions - one day at a time" for a reason, and I'd like to share one of my good decisions today.

While doing my personal study this morning, I had a random feeling that I needed to do something in the scriptures. I had the distinct impression that God had something to tell me this morning. I didn't know what, but I obeyed. I said a prayer, telling God what I felt and that I didn't know what he wanted me to get but that I would listen and try to understand.

The first thought that came before I even opened up the scriptures was a warning. Stay on the path I am on and do not get complacent because things are going well and I will be increasingly busy over the next few months. At the time I thought this was just me making a guess at what God would say to me. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't... I don't think it matters as much as me following it. Either way, it's good advice and I'm taking it as from God.

Then I opened the scriptures and read a few verses in D&C 75. The verses were about a few things:
1) Don't be idle
2) God forgives me
3) If I am prayerful and faithful, I will "overcome at the last day."
4) I felt God encouraging me to move on from step 10 to step 11 in my recovery.

I am grateful to God for giving me this little status check. My wife and I were just talking about answers to prayers and personal revelation and I felt I hadn't really experienced it in quite a while. This is the first time in a long time where I was led to do something by the Spirit and saw immediate results that it was a good decision and I very directly learned God's will for me.

I wonder what would have happened had I ignored the voice. I was doing a different type of personal study today relating to recovery... I hope I (and all of us) can be diligent to seek God's will for us each day and to have the courage to follow it in all things - not just when we're nearing the cliff. I pray God will trust me to listen again the next time He needs me to know something.

I look forward to learning more about and seeking personal revelation more often as I dive into step 11. I've been actively working the steps for 2.5 years and am almost through them for the time. It's been slow coming, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Nourish the seed

I had a thought to blog about this after reading the recent post by "master myself, master the world" about the how and whys of recovery. Thanks for the idea :)

When first discovering my addiction, thought 1 was: hide it. After I found I was unable to hide it any more, thought 2 was: attack it!!!

Before making our way toward real recovery, I think we all look for a quick fix. I felt like a dude with a chainsaw (or an ax if you want a more frantic picture) getting rid of a pesky tree. I saw a blaring problem in my life, and frantically did what I could to chop it down. I just wanted it gone. I wanted to "be done with it." It consumed my thoughts and my life. I kept trying but was unable to eradicate it - and that was the most frustrating thing in the world. I would chop it down, and for some reason I'd return the next day only to find that same tree there, growing bigger and bigger over time. Like the hydra, each time I chopped it down it would come back with reinforcements. What I didn't realize was that I was still unknowingly nourishing it with my everyday thoughts and actions.

In my still growing understanding of recovery, I have now come to look at it in the opposite way - not eradicating a singular bad habit, but developing a whole bunch of new good ones. It is a building process, rather than one of destruction. Rather than cutting down a seemingly invincible tree, I have learned that I must plant my own new seed - my new way of life.

When I first planted this seed, it was frustrating and discouraging. Anyone that's planted anything wonders if it will grow. They look at the dirt, waiting for that initial sprout. They look at the sprout, wondering, "Is it really growing?" They wonder if they water it enough, if it gets enough sunlight, if they're doing it right. Sometimes they do it wrong, and they wonder if they're tender plant will die. Maybe they've had a plant die before and have to replant the seed. Either way, as I've nourished this new way of life, I've found that at the same time I've deprived nourishment from that pesky tree. It has shrunk due to its lack of nourishment as my new tree is beginning to thrive.



This has been my experience, and it is now my testimony. As my little sprout has continued to grow, I incredibly grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ and the change it has wrought in me. It gives me great comfort to know that all I need to do is continue to nourish this tree and I will stay on the safe course to eternal life with my wife.

The Book of Mormon says it better than I could in Alma 32:27-43, below is verse 41.

"But if ye will nourish the word, yea, nourish the tree as it beginneth to grow, by your faith with great diligence, and with patience, looking forward to the fruit thereof, it shall take root; and behold it shall be a tree springing up unto everlasting life."

Life: an unending stream of extenuating circumstances

Just had a thought today from my personal study. I used to think that pornography was my only problem and if I could JUST fix it then I would be a good person. Only later did I find out how much I needed to change, and that I couldn't pick and choose what to give over to God. I need to choose His will in all things, even in the seemingly harmless things. 

Because there are NO such thing as a decision to follow our own will over God's that is harmless. Sure, it may not seem it, but there is always an immediate consequence - compromised integrity. There is always a reason not to follow. Exceptions always come, or at least we can always think of one. Once we choose our will over God's in one thing, it becomes so much easier to do it in others. We are indeed creatures of habit. 

Anyway, got this from a talk from Pres. Monson in 2010 (I think). The story of the young man illustrates the point I was talking about above. 

"In closing may I share with you an example of one who determined early in life what his goals would be. I speak of Brother Clayton M. Christensen, a member of the Church who is a professor of business administration in the business school at Harvard University.

When he was 16 years old, Brother Christensen decided, among other things, that he would not play sports on Sunday. Years later, when he attended Oxford University in England, he played center on the basketball team. That year they had an undefeated season and went through to the British equivalent of what in the United States would be the NCAA basketball tournament.

They won their games fairly easily in the tournament, making it to the final four. It was then that Brother Christensen looked at the schedule and, to his absolute horror, saw that the final basketball game was scheduled to be played on a Sunday. He and the team had worked so hard to get where they were, and he was the starting center. He went to his coach with his dilemma. His coach was unsympathetic and told Brother Christensen he expected him to play in the game.

Prior to the final game, however, there was a semifinal game. Unfortunately, the backup center dislocated his shoulder, which increased the pressure on Brother Christensen to play in the final game. He went to his hotel room. He knelt down. He asked his Heavenly Father if it would be all right, just this once, if he played that game on Sunday. He said that before he had finished praying, he received the answer: “Clayton, what are you even asking me for? You know the answer.”

He went to his coach, telling him how sorry he was that he wouldn’t be playing in the final game. Then he went to the Sunday meetings in the local ward while his team played without him. He prayed mightily for their success. They did win.

That fateful, difficult decision was made more than 30 years ago. Brother Christensen has said that as time has passed, he considers it one of the most important decisions he ever made. It would have been very easy to have said, “You know, in general, keeping the Sabbath day holy is the right commandment, but in my particular extenuating circumstance, it’s okay, just this once, if I don’t do it.” However, he says his entire life has turned out to be an unending stream of extenuating circumstances, and had he crossed the line just that once, then the next time something came up that was so demanding and critical, it would have been so much easier to cross the line again. The lesson he learned is that it is easier to keep the commandments 100 percent of the time than it is 98 percent of the time."

I hope I can continue to make the right decisions in this unending stream of extenuating circumstances that is life.