Men. Can. Change.

I went to see the new movie, Les Miserables - it is one of my favorite plays/musicals of all time (a shame they had to put some raunchy stuff in it, otherwise I'd buy it and watch it often). Anyway, I was moved to tears multiple times while watching and considering the story of Jean ValJean. I'd like to share two parts in particular

Part 1: Hard circumstances drove ValJean to committing a single crime, stealing a loaf of bread. He was caught and served 19 years in prison. Upon leaving he finds refuge with a priest in a church for the night. He steals from the priest and is caught once again. Upon returning, the priest does not condemn him, but gives him more - telling him he has bought his soul for God and to use the silver to become an honest man. Afterwards, ValJean has these thoughts:

"What have I done?

Sweet Jesus, what have I done?

Become a thief in the night

Become a dog on the run

And have I fallen so far

And is the hour so late

That nothing remains but the cry of my hate,

The cries in the dark that nobody hears,

Here where I stand at the turning of the years?

If there's another way to go

I missed it twenty long years ago

My life was a war that could never be won

They gave me a number and murdered Valjean

When they chained me and left me for dead

Just for stealing a mouthful of bread"

This part describes my earlier feelings of being an addict. I feel that it wasn't fair what happened to me or that I would be susceptible to something like this, and that perhaps I would never be able to change and that was just who I was and who I was always going to be. But he follows those lines with these:

"Yet why did I allow that man

To touch my soul and teach me love?

He treated me like any other

He gave me his trust

He called me brother

My life he claims for God above

Can such things be?

For I had come to hate this world

This world which had always hated me

Take an eye for an eye!

Turn your heart into stone!

This is all I have lived for!

This is all I have known!

One word from him and I'd be back

Beneath the lash, upon the rack

Instead he offers me my freedom,

I feel my shame inside me like a knife

He told me that I have a soul,

How does he know?

What spirit came to move my life?

Is there another way to go?

I am reaching, but I fall

And the night is closing in

And I stare into the void

To the whirlpool of my sin

I'll escape now from the world

From the world of Jean Valjean

Jean Valjean is nothing now

Another story must begin!"

ValJean then begins his new story. He changes his life and becomes a new person with his newfound faith and commitment to God. He becomes the mayor of the city and eventually devotes his entire life to a child that is not even his.

Part 2:
Throughout ValJean's journey to change, the voice of justice and sorrow comes to him constantly in the form of Javert, the chief inspector. This is the dialogue when ValJean has the chance to take Javert's life and be free from the one man still hunting him:

Javert: Once a thief, forever a thief. What you want you always steal. You would trade your life for mine? Yes, Valjean, you want a deal. Shoot me now for all I care. If you let me go beware, you'll still answer to Javert!

Valjean: You are wrong, and always have been wrong. I'm a man, no worse than any man. You are free! And there are no conditions, no bargains or petitions; there's nothing that I blame you for. You've done your duty, nothing more. If I come out of this alive, you'll find me at number fifty-five Rue Plumet. No doubt our paths will cross again. Go.

Change is something I've (and I'm sure you have) been seeking for years now. I recall each Sunday writing in my journal about change - how much I desired it, and yet how elusive it seemed to me. I tried to years on my own to change and only seemed to fall further and further into addiction. Often during those times, a voice would come to me. A voice familiar to each of us, saying, "You cannot and will not change. Give up."

That voice is wrong, always has been wrong, and always will be wrong. Men can change. I have changed. I'm done being bitter and thinking I can't change. I have begun my new story based on my newfound faith and commitment to God. I'm doing better than ever - over 10 months without even starting to seek something out. That is a miracle. I know if I continue on this new road, I will stay in recovery and be led to Him. Each us of us can. 

And finally, a quote from Pres Monson in the most recent conference:

"We need to bear in mind that people can change. They can put behind them bad habits. They can repent from transgressions. They can bear the priesthood worthily. And they can serve the Lord diligently."

Coping mechanisms

I woke up at 4:45 this morning to make last preparations for a test I was taking. After the test and a couple hours of lecture, my food friend asked if I wanted to ditch class and had to his house and play video games and eat chicken. 

It sounded fantastic. I used to love pizza and video game nights with my friends. 

However, I learned when I started recovery that I am the type of person that uses video games as an unhealthy way of coping with life, probably to the point of borderline addiction. I could (and earlier in life, would) play a video game for the better part of the day and never tire of it. When I was in the middle of a good game, it was the only thing I wanted to do. It took away all of life's stresses and challenges and put me in a world that I could not only control, but succeed in. Some of my worst relapses in the past have been during times when I had a game that I really liked playing, simply because playing the game put me in the mindset of all the things my other addiction thrives in: mainly isolation, selfishness, and avoiding reality. It was for these reasons that I had to politely decline my friend's request - and we stayed at lecture for the rest of the day.

In addition to video games, I have a variety of other unhealthy coping mechanisms. They aren't near as damaging as my addiction, but they follow the same principles. Most of these activities also aren't inherently bad, like my addiction - but my motives for seeking them probably are. Sometimes I turn to eating when I am sad because foods that taste good make me happy. Sometimes I turn to watching tv or movies because it lets me enter another fun world where people are funny and happy and I don't have to think of my problems.

Everyone has these. However, we have to be particularly careful of unhealthy coping mechanisms, because utilizing them puts us in the addictive mindset and are gateway actions to acting out. At least that's how it is for me. It's my allergy. A big part of recovery has been realizing my negative tendencies and to turn to God to deal with them instead of dealing with them on my own. By relying on Him in ALL areas of my life and with all my negative feelings (or at least trying to), I feel I've found a foundation that I can rely on in any storm.

This leads me to a bunch of questions. I'll give my opinion on each of them, but honestly I don't really know the answer to many of them. I'd be interested to hear what everyone else thinks on these.

1. What makes a coping mechanism unhealthy? Are all coping mechanisms bad?
I think a couple of things. One is whether or not the coping mechanism is good for us. If our coping mechanisms are reading, exercising, writing, talking, etc. then they are less likely to be unhealthy. Coping mechanisms like isolation, anger, overeating, and addictive substances would be unhealthy. There are also many that aren't inherently bad or good for us and could be both depending - like video games, tv/movies, or others.

Also, the motivation behind seeking out the coping behavior must be examined. If it is to avoid, isolate, or self-indulge, then it is likely to be harmful and unhealthy. However, if it is to inspire, strengthen, or encourage then it can be beneficial.

2. And what is the line between unhealthy coping mechanisms and addiction? 

Any coping mechanism can become an addiction if left unbridled. It becomes an addiction when it interferes with our ability to function normally, and becomes something that we must do and continue to do despite negative consequences. 

3. I've been taught  (and have been practicing) that I must turn over ALL of my character weaknesses and negative thoughts/feelings to God in order to build a healthy foundation of recovery - so does that make God the only real healthy coping mechanism? 

I don't think so. It is, perhaps, for me now. I've developed such unhealthy habits of coping with life's various struggles that I don't think I had any healthy coping mechanisms. I've had to start from square 1: turn it over to God. I believe that in time, God will lead me to other ways of dealing with negative thoughts/feelings. I will still need to put Him first and rely on Him in all areas of my life, but He can help me find other healthy things to do that strengthen me and help me deal with life's problems appropriately rather than to avoid them through various means.

Anyway, fun things to think about - even though I'm not sure. As for now, I still have a lot of tendencies to seek things out to forget about things that hurt. I am doing my best to fight those tendencies and turn to God first and not to other things for comfort. I guess that's how this really all began.

I found another blog post (below) that talks about similar topics if you're interested.

http://anewstarttoday.wordpress.com/2011/07/08/guilty-pleasurecoping-mechanismaddiction-the-difference/

Feeling happy*

I've been experiencing some feelings recently that I'd like to post about quickly. Things are kind of looking up for me and my wife recently - not that we're out of the clear or that everything is fine and dandy, we've still got a LOT of work to do - but I honestly feel that I've made some real progress and have found the way out. I feel that if I simply keep going with the principles I've learned, then we'll never have to look back. I'll still have character weaknesses and so will she, but we'll never have to be as low as we have been. Things are looking up.

But at the same time - I feel scared. I feel myself starting to be happy with our marriage and who I am, but those feelings of happiness are fleeting and interrupted with feelings of anxiety. How many times have I felt "things are looking up," only to have some other thing from my past come back to haunt us, or to realize another lie that needs to be brought to the surface? (FYI that's been my main problem for the last 10 months. I haven't even begun to seek out anything for that whole time, but honesty has still proven to be a difficult thing for me, and I had lied to my wife so many times before that it has necessitated some serious damage control - and unfortunately it didn't all come out at once.) Answer: a lot. I feel like when I was indulging in addiction and would say, "Last time is the last time" every single time, only to fall a short time later. And so, I am apprehensive when I start to feel happy - because it has happened so many times before that just when things start to feel normal something comes to the surface to bring it all crashing down.

But at the same time - there can be a last time. Last time can indeed be my last time. I have full confidence in God and in Christ's gospel that if I continue on this road last time can be my last time. That feels incredible to say - and actually believe it. I have learned honesty the hard way and understand how important it is. I still have tendencies towards dishonesty, but have learned to recognize early if I start to fudge the truth, and I fix it now. I've never done that before in my life.

Perhaps things really are looking up. I'd like to think they are. I'd like to just feel happy and not have an asterisk by it. I suppose that will come with time - but until then I gotta keep up everything I've learned.

Why won't God just take this away?

Earlier in the addiction, my prayers typically contained the same phrase each time. Sometimes it was filled with hope, sometimes anger and despair. The phrase was always something like, "Please take this addiction away from me." It is a prayer familiar to every addict, and perhaps every loved one affected by addiction. I want to write a post about this plea - and my two cents as to why it usually isn't answered, at least not in the way I was thinking it would.

Before continuing, I want to point out that there is some good and truth to this plea - I need to surrender this addiction to God. I also need Him to help me out of it - I can't do it on my own. But the issue in my plea was the timing. I wanted it gone immediately. I want it gone without a price. I want it gone without growth on my part. Getting out of addiction is a long and difficult journey. And, like any journey, the growth doesn't magically come upon reaching our destination, but as we struggle along the way, step by step, ever moving forward.

I am reminded of a time I hiked 7 miles uphill to the summit of a tall mountain. The view at the top was truly breath taking and life changing. I can still see it even though it's been years. There were a few times on the way up where I wanted to give up, but pressed forward anyway - and I certainly didn't enjoy the hiking part that much. But I learned important lessons along the way about patience, endurance, and commitment - and the price that I paid on the way up made achieving my goal of reaching the summit even more sweet and memorable.

Contrast that to flying up high in an airplane. All I had to do was swipe my bank card and I shortly would rise into the clouds, above the mountains, with an even better view than from the top of the mountain I worked so hard to climb. The view was pretty cool, but I soon got bored of it. I didn't gain anything from it. It really didn't mean anything to me personally - it was an interesting thing that I would soon forget.

Getting out of addiction's grasp is a journey. It is not easy. There have been many times I have wanted to quit. There have been many times when I felt I didn't have another step in me. Or that there was no point. Or that the top of the mountain isn't that great anyway. I've lost my patience and commitment and been sick of enduring. But I know that if I keep moving forward, then God will indeed help me reach that summit, and I will have become something because of it. It will become a spring board to future accomplishments instead of a bad memory swept under the rug.

My prayer now is still for God to take away my addiction, but I feel I ask it with alot more patience and understanding (or at least I try to), and a lot more "thy will be done" instead of "I want it gone NOW or I'll stop believing in you." I respect God's timing more now. I understand that God gives us trials so we can grow and learn humility, not so they can just be taken away. What would be the point? All that suffering for nothing. I hope I am becoming something. I feel I am growing - step by step.

Battling the natural man

I've been thinking a lot today about battling my old self... mainly because I've been battling myself all day (weird, right?). It seems like since I've been putting off the natural man, it has been trying to claw its way back into my life through any means possible. I just wanted to write about ways it has tried to infiltrate its way back into my life today and how I dealt with them - hopefully I'll learn more about myself and about how I can continue to put off the natural man. Here's my battle log today (here's lookin' at you, warrior.) I'll try and go in chronological order.

• Situation #1: Road rage. A guy was tailgating me for a decent while on my way to school. Not extremely close, but close enough to be irritating.  
• How would the natural man respond: He would slow down to mess with the person, or do other things. He would get angry inside at the person and talk bad out loud about them. 
• How did I respond: This wasn't a good one for me. I did slow down a bit and tapped my brakes once to let them know I knew. "That'll show em!" I thought. As they passed me I flashed them a nasty look, and they of course just drove by, having no idea that it even bothered me. I realized afterwards, once again, like always, how useless and counterproductive road rage is. It never has a happy ending. I have a hard time with it when I'm stressed, and I need to stay on my guard to make sure those feelings don't get the best of me. I also could've involved God in my decision to be better and in perhaps praying for the other person. 

• Situation #2: I work up at 4:15 am this morning to prepare for a test. After taking the test, I felt quite worried and anxious (turns out I had good reason to, I didn't do that well). 
• How would the natural man respond: He would get depressed and down on himself. He would make a catastrophe of it and count himself a failure, assuming the worst. He would isolate himself and sit in self-pity until the feelings seem to pass.
• How did I respond: I feel I responded somewhere in the middle. I was somewhat upset about the test and upset about my score, but I wasn't too upset. I talked with my friends about the test and curbed any instincts to be upset/jealous over how well they did. I tried to put things into perspective - realizing that one test doesn't matter. I tried to realize what's done is done and I now need to focus on the next test. I did not, however, bring my feelings to God and ask for His help - which is something I'm still trying to be better at. Sometimes I still try to do things on my own without thinking about it. 

• Situation #3: This one is lame - but when I was done with my test and I was walking out of the room, I passed someone that had upset me in the past - the thought came to make a little more noise with my step when I passed them to distract them from their test. 
• How would the natural man respond: He'd do it and not feel remorse afterwards. Or if he did, it wouldn't lead to anything. 
• How did I respond: Sorry to say, I did it - and felt bad after. I thought, "how childish was that?" Sometimes I surprise myself at how immature my impulses can still be. I realize there is nothing inherently wrong with that, but there is something inherently wrong with acting impulsively, even on little things. I later repented of the little evil I had done. 

• Situation #4: I was at home for close to 5 hours by myself at home today. In the past, at home by myself with time to spare was prime time for acting out. So almost every time I am home alone, satan reminds me of that old behavior and lets me know it's still an option. 
• How would the natural man respond: He would think himself above temptation - after all, I've gone quite a while and been home alone many days without getting close to acting out. He may even bend the rules a little bit because he can handle it. 
• How did I respond: This one I did well on, as I have for the past while. I recognized the very beginnings of the temptation, turned it over to God and asked for His help to make the right decisions - and I did. 

• Situation #5: My wife and I had a slight instance where we had a mis-communication. She called and asked for directions to somewhere and I gave her great directions, but to the wrong place. She called back again, audibly stressed from driving in busy traffic and because she was late for her meeting. I gave her the right directions and she went to her meeting 
• How would the natural man respond: He would assume that she was mad at him and take offense to it. He would fail to take into account the stressfulness of the situation, and feel bad about himself and angry at his wife. 
• How did I respond: I kept things in perspective and remained empathetic of her situation, despite the slight urges to throw myself a little pity party. I didn't take things out of context or blow them out of proportions. It helped that my wife texted and let me know she wasn't angry and was just stressed. She knows me pretty well. Anyway, another success of the day. 

So those are the minor battles that I have struggled with today. (Surprisingly, lust didn't make the list. The ever-unwanted temptations to lust seem to be in my battle log nearly every day - but not today. One more thing to be grateful for.) Was I perfect? Far from it! But I was aware - so much of the battle is just being aware. I was able to feel slight sorrow for the small poor decisions and also rejoice in my good decisions throughout the day.

If I can keep doing this each day, I feel that I will not only continue to put off the natural man, but also obviously avoid making any big mistakes in the future. You can't fall off a cliff if you're miles from the edge. I must not justify ANY step in that direction. So, to the driver of the white lexus SUV this morning - have a lovely day and drive safe. 

The best policy

I'd like to write a few things about honesty now, as it (or I should say my lack of it) has brought me and my wife more pain than I'd say any other aspect of this addiction. I'm not sure how I want to organize my thoughts, so I'll just start writing. I'll try not to make this one as lengthy as the rest, but I make no promises. :)

Honesty seems like such an easy concept. Tell the truth. Don't lie. We learn it in primary. How is it that we have taken something as pure and simple as honesty and manipulated it into something so difficult and elusive? We are indeed masters of manipulation. It starts when we believe listening to the father of all lies and the original master of manipulation. He whispers lies to us and we choose to accept and believe them. As we accept them once or twice, thread by thread we accept them as our new truth. The brilliant part of his lies is that they are often wolves in sheep's skin, in that they are both somewhat true and the most sinister of lies at the same time.

Here's a prime example. Lie: if we minimize something, then the consequences too will be minimized. Truth: if we minimize something, the immediate consequence may be minimized, but the actual consequence is significantly magnified. This was and is huge for me. I was incredible at adding things in to actions that made them seem less bad than they really were. Satan is so good at getting us to sell ourselves for the quicker reward. It is so hard for the addict to see and work for the long term reward when the short term one is sitting right there. 

Here's another one that I was particularly prone to. Lie: if I go to a certain point in my "process," then 1) I'll be able to stop before I act out and 2) it doesn't count as acting out if I don't actually go all the way. In essence, I'll satisfy the craving with smaller craving then stop before things to go far. Truth: 1) 99% of the time, you won't be able to stop. And even if you do, 2) while you haven't "acted out" in the sense that so many of us speak  about it, you have indeed acted out in every meaning of the phrase. Every time I participated in one part of my addiction but not the other - every time I went to lesser things that inevitably lead to worse things - every time I looked for things just to see if I could find something and get around my filter - I was acting out. The moment you open the computer, magazine, TV, or whatever it is, that's the moment you took the first sip of beer. You've acted out. It needs to stop before that, and satan will do anything to get us to give in to pride and take that first sip. One of the devil's favorite lies and his playground phrase is, "I can handle it." Whenever I say that now, lights flash and sirens blare because I know I'm in a danger zone and need to get out. 

The million dollar question comes about: why was/am I dishonest? Why do we lie if it's so bad? For me, I have always been dishonest. When I was a child, if I could get away with something by lying, I almost always would. I would steal little bits of money from my parents, I would hide things, I would sneak things and break rules. Whenever I told a story (and this is still something I catch myself doing), if it involves #s I will inevitably exaggerate the #s to my advantage. My wife told me that she has lied to her parents maybe twice, and felt absolutely horrible when she did. I got to the point where I didn't feel bad about it - as long as I didn't get caught. The seeds of dishonesty are often planted early on, but they don't have to be. As I slowly but surely became a practicing addict, I became a brilliant liar. 

The main reason I lied was to avoid punishment. Fear. I was, and still am at times, afraid of punishment and will do anything to avoid the immediate punishment. Example: early this year, I did something stupid that was extremely offensive to my wife. I left out an extremely important detail because I was afraid she would be angry and that it probably wouldn't come back to bite me in the end. I avoided the consequence, right? Lie - buried. Well, situations came up recently that made me remember that lie that I left out. I was petrified, especially because we have been working so hard on honesty. I was so scared of how angry she'd be and how sad she would get, and how it would affect what we've been working on, so I thought of ways that I could "soften the blow" and employed them as I proceeded to tell her. She and I both realized that I wasn't telling the complete truth, and I quickly fixed it - but I couldn't believe that I had initially lied again, even though we have been working on it intensely recently. It's very much like breaking any other habit, like biting your nails. If I were to have an intense habit of biting my nails and tried to stop instantly, I would inevitably find myself with my fingers in my mouth at some points along the way. The most important thing is to address it and fix it quickly. I'm sure you all have similar experiences, but my dishonesty has been the most difficult thing for my wife to deal with. They have been a potent poison, and truth unfortunately is a slow working antidote. The ironic thing is that in giving in to our fear of punishment, the ONLY thing we're doing is delaying and enhancing its conequences.

Another reason I can think of was because of shame. I was the prime example of a "double life" and I was so ashamed. I had never heard ANYONE that had a problem with this in the past, and I wasn't about to be the only one that did - so I hid it from anyone and everyone around me, aside from a few bishops. So I liked and pretended I was someone I wasn't, and I was good at it. I became 2 different people entirely - the addict and the facade of a spiritual man.

Another reason is because of sheer habit. Sometimes I lie without even thinking about it - and about things that don't even matter. I'll lie to people that I know something when I don't. I'll lie to people and say that I like something or dislike another when I in reality have no opinion in the matter or even think the other way.

Another reason I have lied is because of core lies I have told myself, which also stem from fear or pride. I accepted and minimized certain things to the point where I convinced myself they were a certain way. I.e., I acted out, but it wasn't the traditional acting out, so it didn't count and wasn't something I needed to talk about. Once I told myself and accepted that lie, I then proceeded to lie to everyone around me - my fiance, bishops, my sponsor, etc. There would be a voice telling me it wasn't right, but I would go back to that original lie that was so enticing because it meant I would (momentarily) avoid consequences, and the lie would continue to grow.

How do we develop honesty? Practice. Simple, painful, practice. Fixing old lies and fixing new lies. Fixing lies when we realize we've told them, instead of hiding them, thinking they'll never resurface. EVERY lie has its consequences, and will resurface in time. Facing consequences of lies head on - experiencing the pain that lies bring to others. Telling the truth no matter how difficult - and quickly. Most importantly, employ the help of God. Only he has unclouded my vision and helped me be more and more aware of the lies I am prone to. And only He can change me. 

Anyway, I have lots more to say on the matter, but my day is up. I have learned so much about honesty recently, through extremely painful means. Sadly, I am not at the point where I am 100% all the time with everyone. But I am to the point now where I feel absolutely ill if I have not been honest about something, particularly with my wife, and I fix it quickly. That, to me, is encouraging - and it's loads better than I have ever been. 

I'd be interested to hear your thoughts. What other lies has satan told you that you have accepted and are striving to break off? Why do you find yourself lying at times, or have you developed 100% honesty? How have you regained  your loved one's trust?