Baby steps

As I steadily approach my official 2-year sobriety mark, I look back and initially feel sick for the things I've done and how insane and stupid I was. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing, probably both, but the point is that there are also a lot of great things that have gone on during recovery, although they aren't the first things that comes to mind. It seems that little by little I've learned some essential things that are important to make our relationship grow.

So I'm going to write about some of the baby steps that have happened along the way, realizing that good lessons come from difficult circumstances, and while everything isn't roses and forest critters all the time, life is pretty darn good and we're finally ready to move forward with our family.

First was honesty. I wasn't honest. I had never been fully honest. I always took little, seemingly harmless shortcuts and would try to get away with what I could. This transferred well into addiction later in life. I would tell almost the truth. I was pro at it. I was pro at justifying my almost truth. This is a hard one to talk about because I feel so slimy about it all and the process of learning was almost unbearably painful for the both of us... but I'm proud to say that I have become an honest man. I got a little teary-eyed just writing that. I am an honest man. I have integrity. I don't cheat. I don't half-truth. I don't lie. I don't hide. It's become a piece of me that I have learned to control and not become obsessive about. I can't lie anymore - I know where that road leads.

Another baby step was learning not to be critical, particularly of Wifey. I would go long periods of time without giving her good, honest compliments - and even when I tried they were half-hearted and she could tell. I would go through periods where I felt I was the scum of the earth and then a few weeks later feel like I was better than wifey and deserved more. The reason is obviously not because of her, or because she didn't merit the highest of compliments, but because I was viewing her and my life through crazily distorted lenses. Distorted by media, addiction, life, bad choices, or whatever, but terribly distorted. I know now that she needs those compliments to ensure her of my love and devotion to her, and I am able to give those compliments whole-heartedly and without guile. She does not have to be perfect or close to it. I love my beautiful Wifey. She is my angel.

Communication, oh communication. I stink at it. Ok, I'm better at it. I am the epitome of the silent male when it comes to important things. I would go completely silent in the middle of important conversations as I would sit and refute every thought that came to my mind. I would hold in important struggles I was having. I would keep my feelings in during arguments. I would hold my thoughts in and become resentful when she didn't know them. I would hold expectations inside and be upset when they weren't met. Ok, I still do this sometimes... but much less. Each time we have a disagreement or argument it's honestly a huge struggle to open my mouth and say how I feel or ask questions to figure out how wifey feels, but I do it more and trust me it works much better. It's slowly becoming kind of natural. Sloooowlyyyy.

Another thing along the way was learning to deal with conflict. We still have our differences and we still fight. We still have our moody times and get mad at each other. We still have good days and bad days. BUT that's all they are. Differences, moods, fights, and bad days. We've (I, in particular) have learned to deal with these things, a little at a time. Growing up, my family and I would mostly suppress negative emotions until they just went away, I'm learning to deal with them and that it's ok to have them. Weird, but it's a new concept to me.

These are a few of the baby steps we've needed to take along our way towards recovery. As I look back at them, the important lesson that is reiterated in my mind is that recovery is NOT just about not acting out, it's about having a character overhaul. It affects so many areas of life that must be dealt with. I don't have anything fancy to say right here... never really do... but I'm grateful to God for helping me along, and grateful to Wifey for sticking around and holding me to her expectations of what she deserves. I know now more than ever that she is the right woman for me.

Other baby steps that have helped me are sticking to my recovery goals with computer usage and iphone usage and avoiding the yellow-light behaviors that can happen on those. ALSO I was able to floss 363 days last year and am still flossing daily this year. AND I am running a mile a day this year (except Sundays) and haven't missed one yet. Little things, but they help me grow character and confidence that I will do what I say I will do.

Baby steps - untie your knots. FREEEEEEEEE!!!

A hodgepodge of the last month

Hey team. It's been a little while. I wasn't able to make it to group this week so I told wifey I'd write in the good ol' blog to keep my mind recovery-focused, and of course I put it off till Sunday. Oh well, at least I'm here.

We actually just had a really intense conversation about things. Communication, weaknesses, our relationship, etc that didn't end fantastically so we're still processing that. The encouraging thing is that we were actually able to communicate. I didn't shut down. I was able to explain my feelings (more than before, at least), which are big improvements from our past conversations.

We're still less than 6 months from when things were really terrible, so emotions and still quite near the surface and easily provoked. Both of us are quick to react to things that for others might be instantly looked over or joked about. We're getting better though. We're quite different, her and I. Sometimes it makes things harder, and sometimes it makes things fabulous. I feel like instead of marrying someone like me I married someone who completes me, and I'm glad for that choice. That's the point of it all, I feel like. I like how the simplemarriage website guy refers marriage to a developmental boot camp. Not sure where he heard that from, but I agree.

Recovery has been pretty good for me. I'm at 23 months sober now, almost to the infamous 2 year mark. Acting out is rarely a temptation for me, but there are still troubling thoughts almost daily, typically about past actions I've done, sometimes temptations to do things I shouldn't. There have been a few resources with unblocked internet access in our home for the last little while that I really need to get cracking on. I haven't gotten close to acting out on them, but they just nag at me sometimes, when I feel down, and I don't like it.

My faith has been lower lately. Praying just hasn't seemed helpful, church has seemed almost like a bother. I just haven't been feeling very spiritual recently, which is something I need to do better at. Also, I am still technically on step 11, after 3 1/2 years of group. Been on it for almost a year now, mainly because I have a hard time seeking God's will and doing it, mainly the seeking part.

I don't have a lot of faith in getting revelation from God anymore for one reason or another, and I am afraid to try it again. I'm afraid because I feel like I won't get anything and faith will get even lower. Isn't that silly? But that's how I feel.

Aside from those things, life is pretty much the same for us. Wifey has found a couple things that she is really passionate about, and I love that. I think that's important for everyone, but wives in particular. She's crazy busy though with all the things she's doing - we keep waiting for things to slow down but they don't seem to.

Mile A Day - 2014 is going great, so far I'm 100%, even randomly ran a 10k on Friday, which I'd never done. Wifey runs with me whenever I ask, which is nice of her. My bro-in-law in UT is doing the challenge too and hasn't missed a day despite the terribly cold weather. I'm thankful for him too. My knee is hurting though each time, but I already decided last year that even if I had to be in a wheel chair I'd wheel a mile a day - it's going to happen. I need the extra integrity, resolve, and self-mastery... and health. :)

Hope all is well to my fellow friends seeking recovery. I never dreamed that I'd be able to get through a Christmas break without sweating about a relapse. I'm grateful to God for His helping me to finally start to see the change I had been seeking for so long. I am committed to moving forward and resolving to follow the feelings that tell me what to do or not to do, which I believe are inspired by God. Good luck and keep in touch.

Vacation mode

One time that has always been difficult for me in the past, especially when I was an undergrad, was vacation time. Christmas, thanksgiving, summer break, etc... it didn't matter what it was, it was always a time that I was more prone to acting out. I don't think I'm alone in this, as I often hear of others having similar issues of acting out on scheduled vacation or while traveling around, I think there are a few general reasons why.

1) I used to enter "vacation mode" - Vacation mode is a state of mind where I decide I'm going to do what I want to do when I want to do it and I'm not going to do things I don't want to do because I'm on a vacation, dang it. That's essentially it. It becomes a period of severe self-indulgence. If I want to sit around and watch tv or play a video game all day, I'll do it. If I don't want to read scriptures or pray, I won't. I'm on vacation! Vacation mode is soooo dangerous because it puts us in that self-indulging frame of mind. This is something I have had to eradicate from my life as much as possible, even to a small degree. Because when I start being selfish in certain things, it inevitably puts me in this dangerous frame of mind. Vacation is the perfect petri dish for self-indulgence.

2) It throws off my routines - There is serious power in routines. Getting up at a certain time, reading scriptures in the morning, only being on the computer at certain times in certain places, going and fulfilling various responsibilities when we need to, eating at the right times, etc. On vacation though, sleep and eating patterns tend to change. Often the daily responsibilities aren't around anymore. When my good routines break, I tend to get into lazy or self-destructive routines.

SO....

I've had my share of vacations over the last little while and have finally in the last couple years began to have success. Whether you have a day or a week or 2 weeks off (like me) this Christmas, may I suggest a few things to help each of us be successful:

1) Keep your rules and routines! I'll do my best to not let my sleep schedule get wonky, I'll read my scriptures each day and say my prayers each day. I'll get out and exercise each day, particularly starting 1/1 since that's when my mile a day 2014 starts! I won't let laziness win. Whenever the thought of "I don't really want to do that today" pops in my head, I'll grit down and do it. Your self-mastery will increase all the more. As far as rules go, I still won't use the internet (aside from email) if noone else is around, and I'll continue to pay attention to negative thoughts and feelings throughout each day and be open with my wife about difficulties I'm having.

2) Avoid self-indulgence! This can be done in a variety of ways. One way is through service. Get out and do something for someone else. Do some housework or yardwork. Organize a room. Bake something and take it to an old couple in the area. Don't eat seconds or thirds of every meal. Don't just sit around. Another way is to avoid things that put you in a self-indulging mode. For me this was video games. During breaks I would find a good video game and just get absorbed into it - this always put me in an acting out mind set and so I have had to stop playing games unless they are those big multiplayer games like mario party with my family.

In short, be in the vacation but not of the vacation. :) Just stay out of vacation mode. I can still relax and have fun with my family without becoming self-indulgent and lazy. That's what I plan on doing this Christmas break, and I pray God will help each of us make the most of it and stay safe.

Under the stars

Looks like it's been a while - recovery has been going quite well for us. It's taken a long time, but we're slowly but surely moving forward and we feel better than ever. And I'm so glad. Daily struggles still happen. I am still faced with decisions daily that could lead down the wrong path. They aren't near as severe as they used to be, they are much simpler: whether or not I'm going to pick up the trash I dropped, whether I'll tell the truth in things of lesser consequence, keeping the rules we've set about media use, whether or not I will linger on a magazine or someone around me, etc. Pornography and things of more severe consequence are hardly a temptation for me any more, and I believe it's because God has blessed me in my diligence in being honest and diligent in the small things successfully for a while now.

Anyway, on an unrelated note I went camping last night with the young men of my ward and had a great time. The best part of the trip happened when no one else was around. I had a tent in my car but decided to sleep out under the stars instead (mainly out of sheer laziness). It was about 30 degrees outside, so it was a little cold, and I bundled in my sleeping bag best I could (I was still cold most the night).

Coincidentally, there was also a meteor shower last night that was supposed to hit its max meteors/hour at 4 am. So I set my alarm for 4 and woke up to watch the show. As I laid there in my bag waiting for one meteor after another, I thought a lot about letting things go. I found my mind running off to things. Bad things I've done. Things I'm stressed about. Songs that get stuck in my head, etc. One by one I put each of those aside, mentally telling myself "I'm not thinking about those things now." I just focused on the moment and where I was. And it was really awesome.

This might sound kind of cheesy but on the way home today I started noticing little things about my surroundings that I go by each day. Landscapes I haven't looked at, buildings I haven't seen... it kind of looked like a new place. Nothing fancy to say about it. I just liked it and I hope I can find more opportunities to slow down, put all the worries out of my mind, and just watch and be. Hopefully in a little warmer weather next time.

Up and down

Well, after a little while of feeling fabulous I woke up this morning and just kind of knew it was going to be a rough day... not temptation wise, but just in general. Funny how you can just feel it. Yeah, I'm kind of burned  out of my current medical rotation and my allergies are kicking my butt today, but what else is new? These are the days where the little things for some reason aren't so little. Accidentally dropping something or driving behind someone slow seems to have so much more weight than it did just yesterday. The water level is lower and I'm just hitting more rocks even though the daily things are the same.

It's funny how these days come around, and how it feels like everything is going wrong when it really isn't. It's just an interesting thing. Cause tomorrow, or the next day, or real soon, I'll feel fine. And I won't get upset when I throw something and it doesn't go in the garbage.

Until then, I'll go to group and bond with the boys, and not spiral downward into depression, because tomorrow will be a better day. And if not, the next day will be. Just keep the nose to the grindstone. Whine-session concluded.

2014: A mile a day

I was reading a talk this morning that talked about self-mastery as being one of the most important lessons we can learn in this life, and it made me think about the habits and goals I've been setting recently. Recovery is a multi-faceted thing, and part of healing is just learning better habits and enabling God's strength to do it.

The best way to start is a goal that is easy-peasy that you know you can do. Mine this year has been flossing. A little goal, I know. It literally takes 1 minute a day. But back in January I couldn't believe how hard it was to motivate myself to floss for that one minute. I know everyone says, "do something for 2 or 3 weeks and it becomes habit" which I was always skeptical about. But seriously, after I grit down and flossed every single day for 3 weeks, it just made it's way into my routine. Since then, I've missed 3 days and that's it!

Once again, this may sound like a little thing, but now that I think about it, it is the first time I've set a goal and stuck with it for a decent amount of time. My next goal, and I'm seriously going to do this one, is for 2014 I'm going to run a mile every day, excluding Sundays. A mile at it's slowest takes 15 minutes, and I know I have 15 minutes a day to take care of my body. I've seen to many obese, diabetic, hypertensive patients with heart failure this year to let my body go on the wayside. Sure, it'd be great to do a fabulous workout or train for a marathon, but I need to start small with something I know I can do.

When I set and accomplish goals it gives me faith in recovery. I builds my faith in myself and builds my integrity. If I am solid in some little things, I can be solid in others. I can keep the rules of not surfing on the internet alone. I can tell my wife if I think of a loophole around our current electronic arrangement. I can turn to God when things get hard. We all can.

Anyway, I'd like to invite everyone that wants to to join me in mentally preparing to run a mile a day in 2014. And then on that cold morning on New Years day we throw on the jacket and get out for 15 minutes and do something to develop self-mastery and self-esteem, and health! I've already worked through the excuses I might have: I don't have time? Yes I do. I'm sick? Get out and walk for 15 minutes anyway, I'll be fine. My knee hurts? Walk, ride a bike. I broke my ankle? Get some crutches :).

It's something we all can do, I know we can, it will just take some will power. It'll be crazy hard for the first month, but so so worth it in the end. Who's in? I am. :)

Game-time decision

So my blog is good decisions, one day at a time for a reason, because that's a big part of recovery for me. It takes a conscious decision for me to make good decisions when it's difficult in a variety of circumstances at various moments throughout each day. Sounds simple... but it takes practice. I had a good test of this a couple days ago...

So my wife and I got iphones a month or so ago. We have been scared to get them because it's hard enough with figurative cigarettes everywhere, and now I'd have a pack of them in my pocket constantly. But we put good limits and controls on it, and it really hasn't been a temptation much at all to look up anything inappropriate. So that's good.

One other thing I've been afraid of is the iphone games. Stupid, I know. But for me, games are a type of addiction. I get so into them. I go to them for some of the same reasons I sought out pornography - to escape reality and everything that comes with it. Anyway, part of recovery for me was eliminating video games from my life. And it was hard at first, I'm sad to admit. 

Anyway, my wife and I wanted to get a game on our iphones that we could play together for kicks, and we found... hay day! Some of you just smiled a bit and thought of your awesome farms, admit it. Anyway, I think it's funny that people advertise games as addicting because that game is so addicting! It utilizes the principles of rewards at variable intervals to train your brain to think of it at various times during the day. Amazing stuff.

I decided it was ok because my wife and I would be playing the game kind of together, even though we had different games. I thought I'd be ok because of that. I put limits on my time, 15 min 3x a day and that's it. But I began thinking about it frequently throughout the day. It occupied my mind. I began to start to make exceptions to my rule. I even found myself becoming more irritable... weird, I know. And after a few days, I just realized that my life would be better without it. I felt like I should probably delete it and stop, but I didn't want to - I still thought I could handle it.

After a day or so my wife and I were getting ready for bed, and I just thought - you know, you just have to delete it and move on - you know you're better off without it. So I opened my phone and deleted the game. My wife deleted hers as well. 

This may sound dumb to a lot of you, but for others it will hit a nerve because you are like me. There isn't anything inherently wrong with video games... but I can't have those types of games in my life because of how they make me feel and the unhealthy outlet they give me. And I'm okay with that. 

I'd been wondering if I should delete it from the 1st day I put it on my phone, but it didn't get stronger until I read Elder Scott's most recent conference talk. He talks about the anti-nephi-lehis and how they had buried their weapons of war and covenanted not to use them again. Elder Scott asks the question, if they repented and had been cleansed by the atonement, why not pick up their weapons and go to war instead of sending their young sons to battle? The answer was that they did not want to bring back old weaknesses that might be difficult to them and might give the devil a chance to exploit it. Similarly today I read Elder Cook's talk about 4 different types of bondage. Pornography and other addictions were type one, but games and social media (and sports :(...) were type 2 because they are not inherently evil but often take our time and attention away from more important things. 

So, I've reburied my weapon of war. I can play multiplayer games on like a wii, but no single player level up games. That's the way it is, and I'm ok with it. I'm thankful to God and my wife for helping me have the strength to make the right decision.