Seeing Progress

Sometimes it's hard to see the progress while we're recovering, particularly when sobriety seemed so elusive, but it's important to realize that all efforts have results. Recovery and weight lifting have a lot of parallels. I don't weight lift... which anyone who knows me will attest to... but I took a weight lifting class once in high school and once in college and had the experience.

Anyway, a way to classify exercising is as isotonic or isometric. Isotonic is where the weight remains the same and the joint angle or muscle length changes (what we typically think of when lifting weights). Isometric on the other hand is keeping the muscle length and joint angle constant during contraction (like pushing against a wall).

BOTH are ways of exercise and result in growth. Addiction sometimes felt like I was pushing against a wall - ever pushing without seeing results. But just as isometric contraction brings muscle strength, I feel like any pushing we do strengthens mind, will, faith, and ability to abstain. It's easy to get frustrated though and say "BUT THE WALL HASN'T MOVED!" and to give up or think you're a lost cause or it just isn't possible or worth it. But it is. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. :)

I also think it's really important that we don't get unifaceted in our pushing. I think at different times I've been prone to put too much emphasis on my own efforts, too much on God without doing what was necessary of me, just "white-knuckling" through it by just using my will power, or only using mind power to control my thoughts. Anyway... that wasn't a pretty way of saying it but it's kind of what's going through my head. The point is, only when we stop pushing to we get weak. Any eventually if we learn the right ways to push and keep pushing, our strength will be enough to push back the adversary.

As I distance myself from the person I was, I find it important to celebrate milestones - they just kind of get me excited and give me hope... earlier in recovery getting to the two week was an absolute miracle. For years I couldn't ever get that. But now my pushing has been having some great results, and I'm so so grateful for that.

I know I still have a really long way to go. I still have a lot of left-over problems from practicing an addiction for years and have a lot to learn before I find wholeness and am healthily able to deal with life.... but sometimes it's nice to stop and take a look at the blessings I've received.

So, happy 500 days of sobriety, Nate. And happy 3 years of consistently attending group. Keep your nose to the grindstone till the grindstone wears down.

What does it mean to live in recovery?

The other day I was on a recovery website and the question was asked:

"When can one say that they are in recovery?"

If there is a direct 1-line answer to that question, I haven't thought of it. I'm sure one of you has... but I haven't. All I could think of are reasons why I feel I am currently living in recovery. I hope that one day I'll be able to say I am 'recovered'... but I am more inclined to believe that I will simply continue to make choices that allow me to live in recovery, and maybe one day far in the future my heart will be like those of the Lamanites and be completely changed without me realizing it (3 Ne 9:20). Anyway, an interesting topic. I pasted my response to the question below. 

"Hey buddy, great question. Like you said, being in recovery doesn't mean that you are recovered. It means that you are committed to a new way of life in recovery from addiction through Christ. And your wife is very correct - sobriety doesn't equal recovery. Your strength of recovery will only be as strong as your relationship with Christ and degree of humility.

I feel that I am currently living in recovery for a few reasons. I'm not saying this is the answer to your question, just a few thoughts that I have on the matter.

1) I no longer lie or seek to hide my addiction. I am transparent with my spouse and am not hiding anything. I am open with her about my struggles and am not afraid to have the hard conversations.

2) I have found the way of life where I know that if I do what I should be doing then I will not slip up. I'm not afraid of randomly relapsing - I know that there will need to be a certain number of poor decisions that will lead up to it. I am committed to this new life and do not see 'getting past addiction' as a U-turn or something to get past and then go back to my old way of life. I seek God's will and do what i can to follow it.

3) I no longer dabble. I don't try to go to a certain line and then go back. I don't mess with limits. I don't justify lesser forms of acting out.

4) I no longer think "I've got this." I know I don't got this. The moment I think I've got this is the moment I'm in danger. I have accepted that I'm powerless over this without God. I need Him to help me maintain my new way of life.

Anyway, those are things that help me feel I am in recovery. Like you said, it's a lifelong thing and I am always just a few stupid decisions away from not being in recovery, but you get the point. I pray I can stay in recovery and continue on the road I am on."

Anyway, I was just curious what everyone else thought about being in recovery and what it means and when you feel like you are living in recovery. And it's difference from saying that you are "recovered." I'm sure there are things that I am missing that I could learn from your experiences that I could then apply to my own recovery repertoire. 

Two weeks down

So it's been a long two weeks without the wife. She's visiting her family while I study all day every day preparing for the boards (or at least try to and feel guilty when I don't), which I take in 9 days... ugh... On that note I took a practice test today that estimates your score. I took a similar one about 3.5 weeks ago. And the non-stop studying, reading, cramming for the last 3.5 weeks got me an increase of 2 points between the two tests. Yahoo. I figure I'm just learning things as fast as I'm forgetting things... but hey, I'm doing my best.

Sobriety is still going great. There have been a couple days when temptations were harder, but overall I haven't been tempted that greatly to act out. Most of the time I think it was a mistake to send my wife up with her family because I wish she was her so much - it's really boring, lonely, and monotonous without her. I think I really take for granted the constant support that I feel from her. And you can't beat her food.

While it really stinks not having her here, the silver lining is that I have this time to refine myself. I have this unique period of trial where it's just me and my computer and books all day with nothing else on the agenda for the most part. This is a huge opportunity for growth and practice making the right decisions in tough situations, I really feel like when hard times come in the future I'll be able to look back at this time and draw strength. It's also given me a lot of time to ponder and reflect on my life and myself and to focus on some of my key weaknesses with my counselor.

Things I am currently doing to stay in sobriety:
I attend LDS 12-step meetings weekly. Just hit my 3 year mark of attending meetings. Crazy.
I have a daily personal study.
If I have harder temptations I get on my knees and surrender them to God and seek His will.
I have a nightly followup with my wife where I tell her about my day.
I try to control my thoughts and recognize when they are out of sync with spiritual things.
I am keen to realize and reject little lies and justifications that satan tries to get me to do.

One thing I could do better is surrendering my negative thoughts and feelings to God. My diligence in this goes up and down with this, and it's down currently. I need to remember how important it is to seek God's help and peace as I struggle with my personal weaknesses and with my negative thoughts and feelings. I'll try that for the next little while.

Aside from all that I feel ok. I'm certainly stressed and burned out. I feel it constantly. I'm emotionally and mentally drained. I don't feel like eating hardly ever. BUT I'm pushing through. I'm trying to do things I enjoy and seek out God for peace. And I bought myself a half gallon of chocolate milk which I secretly love, so life is certainly looking up. :) I've known this would be a rough month since I started med school 2 years ago, and now that it's here I'm not surprised - just gotta push through it and continue in diligence. Giddy up.

The future looks bright. And a little blight.

I read an article the other day that announced that Google was banning porn and got excited. I was like, sweet! Good for them! One small step in the battle by a huge company stepping up and showing some guts. Then I clicked on it and realized it said, Google Glass was banning porn. I skipped "glass" the first time because I had no idea what that could mean.

If you haven't heard about it, google glass is basically google glasses and look like this:



In essence it turns you in to a cyborg. It's a computer you where on your head. It has a built in toggle you can touch and move a cursor around the screen it has in front of your eye, but you rarely need it. It runs a variety of free apps made for it as well as all the classic email/social network sites.

It obeys all voice commands - you can tell it to take pictures, record, give you directions to the nearest walmart, tell you how far it is from your house to the moon and how to say smorgasbord in Finnish. It has built in gyroscopes that measure speed, acceleration, angular velocity, and could probably measure the amount of vomit you throw up after wearing it for too long.

Available to the public? Not yet. They're testing it with some people that applied to test it I believe. And people are still working out surveillance and privacy issues that would obviously come from having a live camera on you ALL the time.

Isn't it incredible that it isn't even available to the public yet and already people are like, "let's make a porn app for it! MONEY!!!" An even more secret, silent way to watch porn whenever you want and not have anyone know. Scary. Good thing they banned it.

At first I think, kudos to google for banning the apps after they were out. Then I think, "Yeah. Like that's going to work." I'm sure although the early apps will be down soon, they will be back up modified to fit the rules, or just secretly up and google will just let it slip by in a short matter of time.

ANYWAY, my point is I know that every generation says to the younger "you guys have temptations that we didn't even have to think about." I know I'll be saying that when I'm 60, of maybe even 40. Where's it gonna be?

I have a feeling it'll be along these lines. Each ubiquitously accepted invention that comes around seems to make our lives increasingly intertwined with technology. Accepted inventions inevitably become need in a short amount of time. Cars. TVs. Old cell phones. Computers. The internet. New cell phones with built in TV, computers, internet, and cars* (*coming soon), Ipad/pod/touch/phone, etc. Most people can't imagine leaving home without these things, or getting home without seeing this or that, or going a day without checking this or that.

My projection is that the future will bring a lot of great things, but will also bring lives more intertwined with technology that ever before. Instead of being a hand-held device with all we need, it will be something we wear. Whether it's a glasses like google glass, a soft lens contact, a fancy arm computer like in the movies, or something that is just implanted in our brains I really don't know. (How weird would that be to have a hard drive attached to someones memory that enabled one to remember everything they've ever seen, heard, or done? Sorry, random thought.) Either way, if the future followed the trend of the past and I'd bet that it will (if I were a betting man :)...), the newest, most convenient ways of technology are going to come, become necessities, and bring with them new and diverse challenges and temptations that my generation hasn't "even had to think about" yet.

What on EARTH did people do 50 years ago without these things???

EVERY generation says this. The moral fabric of society dwindles. New things come in to distract us from what really matters. And as things get more convenient in society, they get more difficult for the diligent seeker of truth and good.

What are we gonna do about it? What all parents and grandparents should do - sit here with my flip phone and 3X5 card for the rest of my life and curse all new technology and the devils that brought it. I wish. :) OR... we could just be aware and be careful.

Be aware and updated on what's going on and what temptations the young people are facing. The apostles often talk about twitter and facebook and we laugh at them a little when they do, but it shows they are aware. ("Silly Elder Ballard, you don't have a facebook account - facebook is for kids! Just like trix.")

Be aware about how these things might produce new challenges for us personally and make life adjustments and preparations as necessary. Be aware of the good and evil that inherently come from each new invention/update and make efforts to apply the good and avoid the evil.

Be careful not to let our lives become too intertwined with these new things such that they detract from our ability to have meaningful relationships with God and with others. Life is about relationships, it's really the only thing we take with us.

This was more for me than for anything. Every once in a while I get in doomsday mode and have to run in a cold sweat and check my food storage. I just need to calm down and remember to go forward in life with careful but deliberate pace and to take things as they come in that mindset and things will be just fine.

In many ways, the future is very bright. It is bright for my family and me. It is bright for those that are striving to follow Christ's teachings.

But in other ways, it's also very blight. And yes I do mean a rapid and complete chlorosis, browning, and death of plant tissues due to an infection (thanks wikipedia).

Daaaay fiiive and aaalllls wayeeelllll

The title would make more sense if you've seen the old Disney Robin Hood movie... but even that might not be enough - you'd probably have to have come from a house obsessed with Disney movies as mine was. I swear sometimes we'd go for days without saying anything from our own minds, just quoting Disney... or at least I'm sure we could have. Maybe this guy ring's a bell? Nutsy - what a brilliant character.

Anyway, just wanted to do a quick update. I'm on day 5 of being a lone wolf down here - my wife is up with her family while I study for the medical boards. Only 19 more to go.

So far temptations have not been that difficult - hardly at all. I have a feeling they will get harder. Satan is probably just waiting for me to let my guard down... which I guess is always the case. If I never let my guard down then attacking me doesn't do much good at all, right? I suppose that's the ongoing battle.

It's kind of been the perfect storm, or what would have been the perfect storm in the past: by myself all day with my computer, alone (most of the time) in my house under a lot of stress. And to top it off I'm in pain from a recent procedure I had done and just had a nasty 24 hour bug that kept me from getting much sleep.

But even in the midst of all this stuff, temptations haven't been a big issue. I am so grateful for that. I am also grateful for the knowledge that I know I can be ok for the next 19 days as long as I don't make any poor decisions to let my guard down. I know God can and will support my efforts as I continue to stay on the road He helped me find. For me there's no such thing as a relapse 'out of nowhere,' anymore. There would need to be a looong list of poor decisions and justifications that I will recognize early as long as I do what I should be doing.

Anyway, that's really about it. I'll throw in a few more updates over the next few weeks I'm sure. It helps me evaluate where I'm at when I sit and type about it.

And you thought I was gonna have some sweet recovery analogy having to do with Nutsy. I wish. Maybe next week.

Lone wolf

Well, here I am at another important time in my life. The next month has the potential for great good and also great sorrow. My wife went to be with her family for the next 3 weeks while I study for my medical boards. some of my other buddies are sending their wives/kids up to be with their parents so we can focus. Whether or not it was necessary I won't say - I probably could have managed fine with her down here, and I could use her love and support her presence brings as I go through this rather stressful time. Also let's be honest, I can't study for 12 hours a day... it just would not be effective. My brain would turn to oatmeal...

But I'm past wondering if she needed to go or not and now I'm focusing on the good that can come from it.

Good #1: This gives me an opportunity to choose to do the right thing over an extended period of time with her not here. This is an opportunity for growth - growth that I would not be able to attain otherwise had she not been here. While we were engaged and dating long distance I did some things and justified hiding them from her. I can't change that that happened, but I can do it differently this time. I can pass the real test this time. In all reality, medical boards are nothing compared to the test of faithfulness.

Good #2: I tend to take things for granted and to be somewhat pessimistic and critical by nature. I do not enjoy that I am and I try so hard not to be. Either way, not having my wife around will (has a little already) help me really appreciate all the things she does for me, how much our love and marriage means to me, and how meaningful she makes my life. Sometimes I get caught up in little things and lose sight of the big picture. A little distance can put things in perspective sometimes.

Good #3: This will give me some time to focus on healing. Our counselor encouraged us both to engage ourselves in endeavors that we enjoy and to experience personal growth instead of just sitting and worrying about whether something bad will happen. Profound. I'm going to try and exercise more, socialize more, and just do things that will help me to feel better about myself. I feel like so many of my problems stem from my lack of self-esteem and that we would gain a lot from my improving there.

Those are the thoughts I have today. As always I am limiting my internet surfing time to what is necessary or directed toward a specific goal and that's it. I have my usual filter and accountability software that my wife will get weekly emails about. We talk at least nightly and I will be honest as I tell her about my day. And I'm doing my best to limit my alone time by studying with my friends and findings things to do out of the house with others. I'm also not using my computer at night and trying to go to sleep early and wake up early. Those are a few things. Oh, and the support group at least once a week and individual counseling sessions.

Anyway, I have a lot in my arsenal, but I still feel the most important thing will be to stay consistent with steps 1-3. Remember that I cannot do this on my own and will fall if I rely on myself, have faith that God can heal me and help me through temptations and trials, and then seek and follow his will. Or as I have heard it said a few times before, "I can't. God can. I will let Him."

Maybe I'll go out and howl at the moon a few times too just for kicks. Couldn't hurt.