Well, after a little while of feeling fabulous I woke up this morning and just kind of knew it was going to be a rough day... not temptation wise, but just in general. Funny how you can just feel it. Yeah, I'm kind of burned out of my current medical rotation and my allergies are kicking my butt today, but what else is new? These are the days where the little things for some reason aren't so little. Accidentally dropping something or driving behind someone slow seems to have so much more weight than it did just yesterday. The water level is lower and I'm just hitting more rocks even though the daily things are the same.
It's funny how these days come around, and how it feels like everything is going wrong when it really isn't. It's just an interesting thing. Cause tomorrow, or the next day, or real soon, I'll feel fine. And I won't get upset when I throw something and it doesn't go in the garbage.
Until then, I'll go to group and bond with the boys, and not spiral downward into depression, because tomorrow will be a better day. And if not, the next day will be. Just keep the nose to the grindstone. Whine-session concluded.
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
2014: A mile a day
I was reading a talk this morning that talked about self-mastery as being one of the most important lessons we can learn in this life, and it made me think about the habits and goals I've been setting recently. Recovery is a multi-faceted thing, and part of healing is just learning better habits and enabling God's strength to do it.
The best way to start is a goal that is easy-peasy that you know you can do. Mine this year has been flossing. A little goal, I know. It literally takes 1 minute a day. But back in January I couldn't believe how hard it was to motivate myself to floss for that one minute. I know everyone says, "do something for 2 or 3 weeks and it becomes habit" which I was always skeptical about. But seriously, after I grit down and flossed every single day for 3 weeks, it just made it's way into my routine. Since then, I've missed 3 days and that's it!
Once again, this may sound like a little thing, but now that I think about it, it is the first time I've set a goal and stuck with it for a decent amount of time. My next goal, and I'm seriously going to do this one, is for 2014 I'm going to run a mile every day, excluding Sundays. A mile at it's slowest takes 15 minutes, and I know I have 15 minutes a day to take care of my body. I've seen to many obese, diabetic, hypertensive patients with heart failure this year to let my body go on the wayside. Sure, it'd be great to do a fabulous workout or train for a marathon, but I need to start small with something I know I can do.
When I set and accomplish goals it gives me faith in recovery. I builds my faith in myself and builds my integrity. If I am solid in some little things, I can be solid in others. I can keep the rules of not surfing on the internet alone. I can tell my wife if I think of a loophole around our current electronic arrangement. I can turn to God when things get hard. We all can.
Anyway, I'd like to invite everyone that wants to to join me in mentally preparing to run a mile a day in 2014. And then on that cold morning on New Years day we throw on the jacket and get out for 15 minutes and do something to develop self-mastery and self-esteem, and health! I've already worked through the excuses I might have: I don't have time? Yes I do. I'm sick? Get out and walk for 15 minutes anyway, I'll be fine. My knee hurts? Walk, ride a bike. I broke my ankle? Get some crutches :).
It's something we all can do, I know we can, it will just take some will power. It'll be crazy hard for the first month, but so so worth it in the end. Who's in? I am. :)
The best way to start is a goal that is easy-peasy that you know you can do. Mine this year has been flossing. A little goal, I know. It literally takes 1 minute a day. But back in January I couldn't believe how hard it was to motivate myself to floss for that one minute. I know everyone says, "do something for 2 or 3 weeks and it becomes habit" which I was always skeptical about. But seriously, after I grit down and flossed every single day for 3 weeks, it just made it's way into my routine. Since then, I've missed 3 days and that's it!
Once again, this may sound like a little thing, but now that I think about it, it is the first time I've set a goal and stuck with it for a decent amount of time. My next goal, and I'm seriously going to do this one, is for 2014 I'm going to run a mile every day, excluding Sundays. A mile at it's slowest takes 15 minutes, and I know I have 15 minutes a day to take care of my body. I've seen to many obese, diabetic, hypertensive patients with heart failure this year to let my body go on the wayside. Sure, it'd be great to do a fabulous workout or train for a marathon, but I need to start small with something I know I can do.
When I set and accomplish goals it gives me faith in recovery. I builds my faith in myself and builds my integrity. If I am solid in some little things, I can be solid in others. I can keep the rules of not surfing on the internet alone. I can tell my wife if I think of a loophole around our current electronic arrangement. I can turn to God when things get hard. We all can.
Anyway, I'd like to invite everyone that wants to to join me in mentally preparing to run a mile a day in 2014. And then on that cold morning on New Years day we throw on the jacket and get out for 15 minutes and do something to develop self-mastery and self-esteem, and health! I've already worked through the excuses I might have: I don't have time? Yes I do. I'm sick? Get out and walk for 15 minutes anyway, I'll be fine. My knee hurts? Walk, ride a bike. I broke my ankle? Get some crutches :).
It's something we all can do, I know we can, it will just take some will power. It'll be crazy hard for the first month, but so so worth it in the end. Who's in? I am. :)
Friday, November 15, 2013
Game-time decision
So my blog is good decisions, one day at a time for a reason, because that's a big part of recovery for me. It takes a conscious decision for me to make good decisions when it's difficult in a variety of circumstances at various moments throughout each day. Sounds simple... but it takes practice. I had a good test of this a couple days ago...
So my wife and I got iphones a month or so ago. We have been scared to get them because it's hard enough with figurative cigarettes everywhere, and now I'd have a pack of them in my pocket constantly. But we put good limits and controls on it, and it really hasn't been a temptation much at all to look up anything inappropriate. So that's good.
One other thing I've been afraid of is the iphone games. Stupid, I know. But for me, games are a type of addiction. I get so into them. I go to them for some of the same reasons I sought out pornography - to escape reality and everything that comes with it. Anyway, part of recovery for me was eliminating video games from my life. And it was hard at first, I'm sad to admit.
Anyway, my wife and I wanted to get a game on our iphones that we could play together for kicks, and we found... hay day! Some of you just smiled a bit and thought of your awesome farms, admit it. Anyway, I think it's funny that people advertise games as addicting because that game is so addicting! It utilizes the principles of rewards at variable intervals to train your brain to think of it at various times during the day. Amazing stuff.
I decided it was ok because my wife and I would be playing the game kind of together, even though we had different games. I thought I'd be ok because of that. I put limits on my time, 15 min 3x a day and that's it. But I began thinking about it frequently throughout the day. It occupied my mind. I began to start to make exceptions to my rule. I even found myself becoming more irritable... weird, I know. And after a few days, I just realized that my life would be better without it. I felt like I should probably delete it and stop, but I didn't want to - I still thought I could handle it.
After a day or so my wife and I were getting ready for bed, and I just thought - you know, you just have to delete it and move on - you know you're better off without it. So I opened my phone and deleted the game. My wife deleted hers as well.
This may sound dumb to a lot of you, but for others it will hit a nerve because you are like me. There isn't anything inherently wrong with video games... but I can't have those types of games in my life because of how they make me feel and the unhealthy outlet they give me. And I'm okay with that.
I'd been wondering if I should delete it from the 1st day I put it on my phone, but it didn't get stronger until I read Elder Scott's most recent conference talk. He talks about the anti-nephi-lehis and how they had buried their weapons of war and covenanted not to use them again. Elder Scott asks the question, if they repented and had been cleansed by the atonement, why not pick up their weapons and go to war instead of sending their young sons to battle? The answer was that they did not want to bring back old weaknesses that might be difficult to them and might give the devil a chance to exploit it. Similarly today I read Elder Cook's talk about 4 different types of bondage. Pornography and other addictions were type one, but games and social media (and sports :(...) were type 2 because they are not inherently evil but often take our time and attention away from more important things.
So, I've reburied my weapon of war. I can play multiplayer games on like a wii, but no single player level up games. That's the way it is, and I'm ok with it. I'm thankful to God and my wife for helping me have the strength to make the right decision.
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Driving stick shift
Haven't blogged in a while... when things are going well I seem to blog less so I guess that's a good thing. And things have been going really well, which I love.
Anyway, one topic I wanted to write about that is important to recovery that I realized again last week. My car was in the shop getting a free paint job (who loves factory recalls? I do), and so we had to make due with just one car between the two of us. Sounds simple right? Except for my wife's car is a stick shift and mine is automatic... and I have never learned to drive stick, despite being taught a few different times. And despite my wife wanting me to learn since we were dating.
So the day after I dropped my car off, my wife wanted me to practice driving the stick, and I kept finding one excuse or another not to do it. "I'll do it after (insert event)." "It's too dark right now." etc. There's always an excuse. Plus in the back of my mind was the fact that I'd just be too embarrassed to have my wife or the other people on the road see me shift too early, shift too late, shift to wrong gear, not push clutch in far enough, keeping clutch in too long, think I'm in reverse but actually I'm in first, and kill it in our garage, in parking lots, at stop lights, and sometimes in the middle of the road (all of which happened at some time).
Anyway, it got to the point where I needed to use it, and she wouldn't be there. One of the young men in our ward and I were taking sacrament to some elderly folks. So I picked him up and we went. It was a bumpy ride full of mistakes, but by the end I had at least had some minor successes. After that I had to drive the car to work each day about 20 min away. Lots of mistakes along the way, but by the end of a few days without my car I could drive a stick pretty smoothly, and I was pumped to show wifey.
She didn't trust me at first and actually wouldn't let me drive a few times after because it would make her nervous, but one time she let me and was pleasantly surprised at my progress at the stick driving. Now I can drive both cars no problem.
So anyway, I feel like this little ordeal of mine exhibited a lot of truths I've experienced in recovery. I'll put em in list form cause that's easiest for me.
1. Don't be afraid of looking stupid - This is honestly what kept me from learning stick all these years. I didn't want to look stupid to other strangers on the road. I didn't want people to see the idiot that killed their car thinking it would be a nervous 16 yo girl and then seeing me. In recovery, I had a really hard time letting go of my pride and letting others know about my struggles. It took a few years before I was willing to go to group, talk to family members, friends, etc and am still working on it. I know I'm making lots of progress though as I care less about what other people think of me and more about what matters.
2. Don't be afraid to make mistakes - another reason why I never learned stick is because I knew I would make mistakes while learning, and I hated that. I don't like making mistakes because it shows my weaknesses and makes me feel stupid (see #1). Sometimes it was scary to commit to recovery because I had made so many mistakes in the past and I was bound to make more. Sometimes I was scared to tell people at group or elsewhere that I was trying to recover because what if I mess up later? Mistakes are going to happen, and that's really the way we learn the majority of the time.
3. Trust takes a while - even after telling my wife I was great at driving the stick, it still took her a while before she trusted me to drive, and even when she did it was for a short distance at first. Patience with the spouse in recovery is tough but vital in recovery, especially in regards to trust.
4. Recovery takes a full commitment - If I were to have gone and got a rental car for that week "just in case" I couldn't learn to drive the stick, or had some other escape plan in case it was just too hard, I would've defaulted it early on for sure. Similarly, half-hearted to recovery never brings lasting results. We have to jump in with our whole effort head first and not have any other escape routes. Figure out what recover is going to take, and then completely and wholly commit to it without giving yourself a loop hole out. I will go to group every Tuesday. I will tell my wife if I have problems. I will not surf when wifey is not home. I will not lie about anything - if I do I will fix it. I will not use the computer after wifey is asleep. I will turn to God in the difficult moments and follow His will. No excepts or unlesses about it.
Anyway, that was my experience driving a stick and I'm pretty good at it now, or I guess at least I can get where I need to go. I kind of feel the same way about recovery... I feel like I'm at a point now I can get where I need to go, even if it isn't the smoothest ride. This week marks 21 months sober for me and we're going strong. I am so grateful to God for His help in getting us this far and I pray for His continual blessings on each of us in our journey. 加油！
Anyway, one topic I wanted to write about that is important to recovery that I realized again last week. My car was in the shop getting a free paint job (who loves factory recalls? I do), and so we had to make due with just one car between the two of us. Sounds simple right? Except for my wife's car is a stick shift and mine is automatic... and I have never learned to drive stick, despite being taught a few different times. And despite my wife wanting me to learn since we were dating.
So the day after I dropped my car off, my wife wanted me to practice driving the stick, and I kept finding one excuse or another not to do it. "I'll do it after (insert event)." "It's too dark right now." etc. There's always an excuse. Plus in the back of my mind was the fact that I'd just be too embarrassed to have my wife or the other people on the road see me shift too early, shift too late, shift to wrong gear, not push clutch in far enough, keeping clutch in too long, think I'm in reverse but actually I'm in first, and kill it in our garage, in parking lots, at stop lights, and sometimes in the middle of the road (all of which happened at some time).
Anyway, it got to the point where I needed to use it, and she wouldn't be there. One of the young men in our ward and I were taking sacrament to some elderly folks. So I picked him up and we went. It was a bumpy ride full of mistakes, but by the end I had at least had some minor successes. After that I had to drive the car to work each day about 20 min away. Lots of mistakes along the way, but by the end of a few days without my car I could drive a stick pretty smoothly, and I was pumped to show wifey.
She didn't trust me at first and actually wouldn't let me drive a few times after because it would make her nervous, but one time she let me and was pleasantly surprised at my progress at the stick driving. Now I can drive both cars no problem.
So anyway, I feel like this little ordeal of mine exhibited a lot of truths I've experienced in recovery. I'll put em in list form cause that's easiest for me.
1. Don't be afraid of looking stupid - This is honestly what kept me from learning stick all these years. I didn't want to look stupid to other strangers on the road. I didn't want people to see the idiot that killed their car thinking it would be a nervous 16 yo girl and then seeing me. In recovery, I had a really hard time letting go of my pride and letting others know about my struggles. It took a few years before I was willing to go to group, talk to family members, friends, etc and am still working on it. I know I'm making lots of progress though as I care less about what other people think of me and more about what matters.
2. Don't be afraid to make mistakes - another reason why I never learned stick is because I knew I would make mistakes while learning, and I hated that. I don't like making mistakes because it shows my weaknesses and makes me feel stupid (see #1). Sometimes it was scary to commit to recovery because I had made so many mistakes in the past and I was bound to make more. Sometimes I was scared to tell people at group or elsewhere that I was trying to recover because what if I mess up later? Mistakes are going to happen, and that's really the way we learn the majority of the time.
3. Trust takes a while - even after telling my wife I was great at driving the stick, it still took her a while before she trusted me to drive, and even when she did it was for a short distance at first. Patience with the spouse in recovery is tough but vital in recovery, especially in regards to trust.
4. Recovery takes a full commitment - If I were to have gone and got a rental car for that week "just in case" I couldn't learn to drive the stick, or had some other escape plan in case it was just too hard, I would've defaulted it early on for sure. Similarly, half-hearted to recovery never brings lasting results. We have to jump in with our whole effort head first and not have any other escape routes. Figure out what recover is going to take, and then completely and wholly commit to it without giving yourself a loop hole out. I will go to group every Tuesday. I will tell my wife if I have problems. I will not surf when wifey is not home. I will not lie about anything - if I do I will fix it. I will not use the computer after wifey is asleep. I will turn to God in the difficult moments and follow His will. No excepts or unlesses about it.
Anyway, that was my experience driving a stick and I'm pretty good at it now, or I guess at least I can get where I need to go. I kind of feel the same way about recovery... I feel like I'm at a point now I can get where I need to go, even if it isn't the smoothest ride. This week marks 21 months sober for me and we're going strong. I am so grateful to God for His help in getting us this far and I pray for His continual blessings on each of us in our journey. 加油！
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