I don't think I have full-on OCD, but I do have tendencies toward it. There's no doubt that genetics plays a role in it, but I also think that being LDS in Utah has contributed to certain obsessions. I feel like I have been so nit-picky of myself and others for much of my life and that has caused me to become somewhat obsessed with being good, or with having a good appearance. And the fact that I have weaknesses, in this area in particular, has caused me INCREDIBLE amounts of shame.
The hallmark of OCD is having unwanted or intrusive thoughts (obsessions) that cause anxiety and the actions (compulsions) that one must do to relieve the anxiety. I don't know if I have any true compulsions, but I think that I have perhaps made some aspects of recovery a compulsion. I think the only thing that came close was when I was trying to figure out what was appropriate to disclose to my wife and when. I became ill if I thought I might have something that I should tell her but didn't, and therefore told her every single little thing that could possibly be considered related to the addiction every day. I felt so sick so often during those times. I'm glad we have found a system that works for us that has evolved as we have evolved.
I would also get obsessed with recovery at times when I'd go into "control mode" after a relapse. I'd obsess over everything I did and come up with the "master plan" of everything I would do to be perfect at recovery and never have a problem again. This quickly would fade, I'd lose motivation, and burn out and get frustrated.
I feel like a portion of the reason I became addicted is because I would obsess over my problem. It consumed my thoughts. And the more I thought about it and had anxiety over it and grieved over it, the more power I gave it.
This was a problem particularly with lusting. When I got out of the initial cycle of acting out, I was left with dealing with my tendency to lust. I was obsessed with not lusting, so much that I began to lust over people I would not normally lust after. I was such a mess.
Anyway, there's a branch of obsessions that is sexual in nature, and it deals with unwanted, intrusive sexual thoughts. Now, everyone has the occasional fleeting sexual thought pop in the mind at times. The problem is that those with OCD or intense religious background put too much weight on those thoughts. At least I feel like that's how it was for me. I felt like I made the insignificant significant. I would take the urge to lust as a sign that I was bad, that I wasn't attracted to my wife, or that I wanted to be with someone else other than my wife. I would obsess over ANY time that I found myself looking where I shouldn't, or ANY time I found anyone else attractive, or was even tempted to look. And it drove me cray-zee. I'm almost feeling crazy just typing this.
I'm not a great writer and I don't know if what I said above makes sense. I don't even know why I'm writing all this honestly. I just feel like obsessing over not lusting and acting out caused me a lot of grief, and gave the addiction more power than it took away. Only after I calmed down and realized that it's ok to have those urges, it's normal to have the urge toward those thoughts, it's ok to think others are attractive, and it doesn't have to mean ANYTHING. What matters is what I choose to do with those urges and thoughts. What matters is that I don't use my agency to sit and linger on a look or a thought, or that I let those thoughts turn into inappropriate actions. That's what counts.
And I am obsessing less now. A couple of days ago I had a pretty hard day because of a fight wifey and I had. And that sometimes makes temptations worse. So while I was at work the temptations started coming and I actually audibly said to myself, "Allright Nate, so it's gonna be that kind of day today, huh?" And just recognizing that the temptations and whatnot was coming from my feelings of sadness and didn't mean anything more was very empowering. I took away the power from them, and they didn't mean anything to me and didn't affect me, and I just forgot about them as the day went on.
If you feel like you are obsessing over recovery/lust or whatever feel free to get in touch with me and we can talk more. Best of luck amigos!
Saturday, October 18, 2014
Sunday, October 12, 2014
Raw spots
I've been reading the book by Sue Johnson called 'Hold Me Tight.' She's one of the pioneers for a type of therapy based on attachment issues, called emotionally focused therapy (eft). Anyway, it's a great way of looking at recovery and I've gained a lot from it.
I feel like I am relationshipally handicapped, in that I stink at establishing and nurturing deep relationships. I am pretty awesome at small talk and having superficial everything-is-awesome type relationships with people though, but those don't really do me much good in the long run.
Anyway, in the book Dr Johnson talks about raw spot. Raw spots are essentially spots that have been rubbed raw from previous experiences, and are now disproportionately painful when touched. I've got em. My wife's got em. We've all got em.
To tell the truth, I can't really sit down and tell you what mine or my wife's are because I just don't have that kind of brain. However, understanding the concept of raw spots has been golden in the last few months. I have often found myself getting so upset over something and not realizing why, take it out on my wife. I have also been SO confused/upset when my wife would "all of a sudden" blow up or get really emotionally charged over something that seemed like it shouldn't be that big of a deal.
But since learning about raw spots some of these have made a little more sense. The other day I got ticked off because my wife disagreed with something medically I said, which obviously is totally fine. But for me, it insulted my intelligence for some reason and made me feel like she doesn't respect me or think I'm smart. Then I realized that my mom always questioned my dad's medical judgment and I have this intense fear that my wife will do the same to me for our whole lives and that scares me. I was able to tell my wife this and we talked it over and now she understands me better and the day didn't end in me being secretly ticked off and openly indifferent. Also this helps me to avoid getting in a bad place where temptations are strong, as temptation is often linked with anger and depression for me.
I've also had a few experiences in the past few weeks where I was able to be a little more patient and understanding with my wife as she had some raw spots prodded. Especially since I have found that I am often the direct cause of those raw spots. There has also been times where I didn't do quite as well, as I have problems with humility and patience. But I feel I am doing better. There is so much emotion as we learn this new dance of recovery together.
Either way, now when I or my wife gets overly-reactive about something, or a situation all of a sudden gets really emotionally intense, I think, "what raw spot is being rubbed here?" And often times I'm able to think of one, and it sheds some light on the subject that gives my wife and I power.
I feel like I am relationshipally handicapped, in that I stink at establishing and nurturing deep relationships. I am pretty awesome at small talk and having superficial everything-is-awesome type relationships with people though, but those don't really do me much good in the long run.
Anyway, in the book Dr Johnson talks about raw spot. Raw spots are essentially spots that have been rubbed raw from previous experiences, and are now disproportionately painful when touched. I've got em. My wife's got em. We've all got em.
To tell the truth, I can't really sit down and tell you what mine or my wife's are because I just don't have that kind of brain. However, understanding the concept of raw spots has been golden in the last few months. I have often found myself getting so upset over something and not realizing why, take it out on my wife. I have also been SO confused/upset when my wife would "all of a sudden" blow up or get really emotionally charged over something that seemed like it shouldn't be that big of a deal.
But since learning about raw spots some of these have made a little more sense. The other day I got ticked off because my wife disagreed with something medically I said, which obviously is totally fine. But for me, it insulted my intelligence for some reason and made me feel like she doesn't respect me or think I'm smart. Then I realized that my mom always questioned my dad's medical judgment and I have this intense fear that my wife will do the same to me for our whole lives and that scares me. I was able to tell my wife this and we talked it over and now she understands me better and the day didn't end in me being secretly ticked off and openly indifferent. Also this helps me to avoid getting in a bad place where temptations are strong, as temptation is often linked with anger and depression for me.
I've also had a few experiences in the past few weeks where I was able to be a little more patient and understanding with my wife as she had some raw spots prodded. Especially since I have found that I am often the direct cause of those raw spots. There has also been times where I didn't do quite as well, as I have problems with humility and patience. But I feel I am doing better. There is so much emotion as we learn this new dance of recovery together.
Either way, now when I or my wife gets overly-reactive about something, or a situation all of a sudden gets really emotionally intense, I think, "what raw spot is being rubbed here?" And often times I'm able to think of one, and it sheds some light on the subject that gives my wife and I power.
Friday, October 3, 2014
Alive and well
It's been a while since writing on my recovery blog. Just thought I'd post a quick update on where I am in case anybody cares, or just for the sole purpose of self-reflection. Life has been quite successful for the last few months. My wife and I seem to have found a good groove that works for us. I feel like I am in a good place with our relationship - I am learning. I feel like I was so incredibly immature when we got married... I wonder if I was some sort of outlier or if everyone is as immature relationship-wise as I was. I'm probably worse than the average bear. Either way, I have flashes of immature-ness, but for the most part feel like I have a good understanding of my emotions and feelings.
One thing that has really helped is the book, Hold Me Tight. I'm not finished with it, and honestly not being that diligent about reading it. However, one lesson really helped me calm down - the idea of raw spots. Everyone has raw spots that are raw because they have been shaved and rubbed down through the experiences of life. My wife has a few particular ones because of me. She has some because of others. I wish I could write mine down now but I'm never that good at remembering things on the spot - it's just important for me to remember that a situation can quickly become emotional seemingly disproportionate to the situation because it rubs an existing raw spot. I remember this principle often and it helps me calm down when my wife seems really upset about something for "no reason," or when I suddenly become really angry/moody about something.
Anyway, the wife and I are better than ever. I love her very much and appreciate so much what we have. She's an angel to me. She is so funny and has so many little quirks that make me laugh. I even helped her dye her hair recently. Twice. Yup - things are good.
Anyway, we are currently on the road traveling to various residencies to rotate at them for application purposes. We're in a new place every two weeks - pretty exciting. We've had a hoot on our weekend excursions and also trying all the fun restaurants wherever we are. We've also struggled to find the right balance, as my wife is currently unemployed and sometimes at a loss of what to do while I'm at work. Yesterday was a harder day. Those happen and that's ok. It's a hard situation. But we also have a lot of really fun days.
Recovery has been great, as far as sobriety goes. I'm coming up on 32 months next week. Being free of that life-cancer for almost 3 years feels great. I still feel tempted - it often comes in spurts, based on how I am doing emotionally, or sometimes it just seems random. I often have a few days where temptations are a bit more naggy, or thoughts of things I have done in the past recur with a little more strength - had a day like that yesterday. But I am able to work through it.
One area of recovery that has decreased is my closeness with God - which is really at the core of it all so it's kind of weird. I guess it hasn't dropped as much as I think it has, I'm a lot harder on myself about this than I should be, which is a trend in lots of areas of my life as I'm sure it is most addicts. We're way harder on ourselves than need be and we almost relish it. Anyway, my personal studies are sporadic and my prayers are ok. I guess I should just say my daily connection with God isn't that fabulous. That's really the point. I reach out to Him occasionally and sometimes feel like God is there and hears me. Other times doubt and fear creep in. It's been a lifelong struggle for me, but I'm happy to keep moving forward.
Anyway, that's where I'm at. I still have a long ways to go and I'm happy to go it. I feel like I'm out of the original pit I was in, and therefore feel I have a duty to help others in any way I can - feel free to contact me and I'd be happy to help. My wife has also been through loads and would be willing to talk with any wives that want another friend who will understand. Anyway, I'll try and write occasionally. Good luck to us all!
Nate Q
One thing that has really helped is the book, Hold Me Tight. I'm not finished with it, and honestly not being that diligent about reading it. However, one lesson really helped me calm down - the idea of raw spots. Everyone has raw spots that are raw because they have been shaved and rubbed down through the experiences of life. My wife has a few particular ones because of me. She has some because of others. I wish I could write mine down now but I'm never that good at remembering things on the spot - it's just important for me to remember that a situation can quickly become emotional seemingly disproportionate to the situation because it rubs an existing raw spot. I remember this principle often and it helps me calm down when my wife seems really upset about something for "no reason," or when I suddenly become really angry/moody about something.
Anyway, the wife and I are better than ever. I love her very much and appreciate so much what we have. She's an angel to me. She is so funny and has so many little quirks that make me laugh. I even helped her dye her hair recently. Twice. Yup - things are good.
Anyway, we are currently on the road traveling to various residencies to rotate at them for application purposes. We're in a new place every two weeks - pretty exciting. We've had a hoot on our weekend excursions and also trying all the fun restaurants wherever we are. We've also struggled to find the right balance, as my wife is currently unemployed and sometimes at a loss of what to do while I'm at work. Yesterday was a harder day. Those happen and that's ok. It's a hard situation. But we also have a lot of really fun days.
Recovery has been great, as far as sobriety goes. I'm coming up on 32 months next week. Being free of that life-cancer for almost 3 years feels great. I still feel tempted - it often comes in spurts, based on how I am doing emotionally, or sometimes it just seems random. I often have a few days where temptations are a bit more naggy, or thoughts of things I have done in the past recur with a little more strength - had a day like that yesterday. But I am able to work through it.
One area of recovery that has decreased is my closeness with God - which is really at the core of it all so it's kind of weird. I guess it hasn't dropped as much as I think it has, I'm a lot harder on myself about this than I should be, which is a trend in lots of areas of my life as I'm sure it is most addicts. We're way harder on ourselves than need be and we almost relish it. Anyway, my personal studies are sporadic and my prayers are ok. I guess I should just say my daily connection with God isn't that fabulous. That's really the point. I reach out to Him occasionally and sometimes feel like God is there and hears me. Other times doubt and fear creep in. It's been a lifelong struggle for me, but I'm happy to keep moving forward.
Anyway, that's where I'm at. I still have a long ways to go and I'm happy to go it. I feel like I'm out of the original pit I was in, and therefore feel I have a duty to help others in any way I can - feel free to contact me and I'd be happy to help. My wife has also been through loads and would be willing to talk with any wives that want another friend who will understand. Anyway, I'll try and write occasionally. Good luck to us all!
Nate Q
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