My 5 friends (aside from my wife) :)

So based on the "5 Types of Friends Every Man Needs" these are my situations with the 5 friends:

1) The Mentor: we all need someone to fill the role of someone that we can go to for advice, trust for constructive criticism when we need it, and to give guidance from experience.

Aside from my wife (who is really brilliant and fills this role in many ways for me), I think there are 3 people that could possibly fill this role for me.

1) My Dad - we are similar in so many ways, he's been married for >30 years, been a doctor for just as long, and loves me a lot.

2) Bill from church - he's a WWII vet in his 90's with a chin you could light a match off of and a heart the size of Texas. We've been shooting a couple times and he'd be a great friend.

3) The doctor I'm working with - he's a 50 year old saint from India who could fill the role of guru in my life. He really cares for his friends and patients. 

But like I said - these guys aren't really intimate friends yet, just have to potential to be. How could they become that way? I could call my Dad more often and ask his advice more often. I could set up a time to go and just visit and talk with Bill at this house. I could think of appropriate questions to ask the doctor I'm working with in time. Aside from 1-on-1 time (which is necessary to develop intimacy with anyone), I think being willing to ask for advice on your troubles is important on this one.

2) The Handyman: someone who knows everything about everything - can fix bathroom floors, work on cars, cook a great steak etc.

No question this is my neighbor. He could build a house or a car without a book. He is one of more selfless people I know and has helped me a ton and I know he helps others a ton and doesn't ask anything in return. He's really open and loves talking. We could really be great friends but I haven't really made the effort to go and talk to him when he's in his garage, invite him to play raquetball or go bowling, aside from the handy projects we've done. I did leaf-blow his yard the other day and we've had some lunches together with our wives. But this is one where I could really have a great friend but haven't tapped into it.

3) The Bachelor: (or the wingman for single folk): someone to help you not forget your interests from pre-marriage days, who doesn't have a lot of attachments and at the drop of a hat could be someone to watch a football game with and just have some good man time with.

Noone I really know fits this role that well - before I was my buddy Jonny but he lives in a different state... there is a guy in my ward that is divorced and looking but is pretty busy with his work and kids from a previous marriage. But I guess he would be the one I would call to watch a game with or go golfing with, but this is a weaker one for me. I've got another guy I've known for a decade that is engaged now but almost fills that role because he invites me to do stuff every other month or so and those things are random (but often expensive...).

4) The Work Buddy: someone to get you through the work week who doesn't have to be your best friend, but who you can eat lunch with and have a good conversation with at work.

I switch clinics every month so this one is a little difficult too... but I have a med school buddy that I feel a bit closer to than the rest of them, but we aren't that close and it wouldn't be the easiest friendship to build on quickly. A good one to keep on the back burner though.

5) The Fitness Buff: someone who trains for marathons and triathalons and just loves being fit for the sake of being fit, who invites us to get off our butts and go running and get active.

Again, I don't really have a close friend that does this for me... or anyone that I see could really fill it at this time. My wife is the closest one who does this for me as she has gotten me to get out and run, play tennis, and even do a few rounds of being shred by Jillian Michaels. I play tennis with my doctor friend, frisbee with some other friends, and volleyball with another doctor friend. I do have a friend that is insanely fit because he's a cop, but he lives far from me and is really busy so we don't get together for athletic things. Maybe we could?

So anyway, those are the 5 friends and who I think could fill them. As far as my life goes, I think I need to develop the relationship with my neighbor more, as well as start asking spending time with and asking questions to the good mentors in my life. When I get those 2 down I'll work on the rest. And of course throughout developing good intimate friendships with those around me, I still need to keep the #1 priority developing intimacy and closeness with my wifey - because that's the one that really matters, and the one that I desire the most.

Friendship and Intimacy

Something that I've been trying to do in my recovery is to reach out and make some friends. I haven't been making a ton of effort at it, but I have been trying somewhat to be more social and build relationships with others.

The reason I've been working on this is because in my workshop we talked about the type of person that gets stuck in sexual addiction is one who needs and lacks relationships and intimacy. When I hear the word intimate I tend to think of "being intimate" with someone - but in addition to that, what it really means in a relationship is closeness, transparency, commitment, devotedness, affection, fidelity, and mutuality.

 I realized that I really stink at developing intimate relationships. Sure, I ALWAYS had a pretty tight-knit group of friends growing up - through all grades in school and in through college - but everything was so superficial. We never talked about the weightier matters that glue people together and enable them to trust and lean on each other. From the outside, no one really had problems and everything was lovely and perfect (kind of sounds like church, haha). We didn't really talk about our troubles or our needs. Maybe the girls did, but we sure didn't.

Even now I still have trouble with this. When my wife and I have gotten closer, I have had this weird natural reaction (that I hate) to mess things up, to push her away and distance myself. I think mainly because when it comes down to it I fear intimacy because intimacy means truly seeing and being seen, and I haven't been good at not rejecting others because of their inadequacies and I have an intense fear of being rejected after my inadequacies are discovered. So this is something I really need to work on. I have a lot of mental tapes that I run through my head in this area. I guess it's good I realize these things and that they are a problem. Knowledge is power. My wife and I really working on developing true intimacy between us. The first 2 years of our marriage have been pretty dramatic and traumatizing, so it's taking some rebuilding. We're trying to create a safe environment with each other so that can happen, and we have been making progress which feels great. I really feel like we're going to make it and be fine. (On a plus note, I'm coming up on 20 months of sobriety, which is beyond the 18 addictionologists say are required for the brain to really start healing from addiction - go brain!).

Anyway, when it comes down to it I've really only had 2 really intimate friends in my life (aside from my efforts with my wife): my buddy Jonny and my little sister. These relationships weren't always intimate - they became intimate when one of us decided we would open up to the other person about our troubles, and then in turn the other person opened up about theirs. We accepted each others' faults and supported each other in a non-biased way. We could tell each other anything and usually did. (This is another reason why it's a bit more challenging with my wife, because while my inadequacies and weaknesses didn't really affect my friend or sister, they have deeply wounded my wife - just another challenge along the way that deserves mentioning). These are two relationships that really helped me in my early years of recovery. Another that comes close to it is one of my brothers-in-law.

I read "5 Types of Friends Every Man Needs" in the art of manliness blog today and it really solidified my belief that I really need friends. In addition to working hard to build intimacy with my wife (which is the first priority), I also need to try and build intimacy with a few other friends. As my wife and I discovered, if we just are with each other every day and only have each other to talk to, it gets hard. We need friends to reach out to. The article says that a person can usually maintain about 150 friendships in their life, which I'm sure varies but is pretty close to the truth. Which makes me wonder, how many of those beloved facebook friends to I actually give a crap about? haha.

Within those 150, a person usually has the capacity to have about 5 intimate friends with whom they share a certain level of transparency, devotedness, affection, and mutuality. How many of these do I have now? ... I'm not sure. I have a few good friends that I have a higher level of intimacy with than others, but it could be improved greatly. And I don't want to be the guy that just sits and throws his problems around at everyone and is a burden all the time, but I feel like there are times and places where it is appropriate. However, I've been going through some of the hardest times of my life in working through our martial troubles, and aside from a bishop and counselor, the only other person that I've really talked to is my father. And I think it's an important balance to maintain, and I still don't really get how appropriate it is to talk about marital problems with friends and to what level it is appropriate to go into... something to think about I guess.

So the 5 types of friends are: a mentor, a handyman, a work buddy, a bachelor, and a fitness buff. This is already getting way long and I'm kind of tired so I'll do another post later about what each of those entails and possibly who fits or could fit into that friend category for me. And hopefully I can think about how I can develop closer relationships with a few people that can further enrich my life and help fill the need for intimacy in my life.

Life is good

I don't even know what to write today, but I just kind of want to get on and write... like a journal type entry. So here we go.

My life is gooood. It really is. I'm married to a really wonderful woman. She's smart, beautiful, strong, capable, honest, funny, hard-working, finance savvy, and is really cute with cats. I live in a pretty nice little house that wifey has decorated really nicely so it has become our home. I live in a nice neighborhood with nice neighbors and only a couple annoying dogs. I've made some great friends down here at my school. I have a couple of sport gatherings that I can go to each week, which I really love. I'm pretty healthy. I'm enjoying my church calling. I have a car that has worked without problems for a few years (great, now I jinxed it). Wifey has a great job where she helps a lot of kids and where she is really shining. I was able to be successful in school and on my big tests and now am having a great time in rotations. I've had some great docs that I've worked with that have cared about me and my education. We've got a nice SA workshop we're going to weekly. And though it's been a truly difficult road, maintaining sobriety is getting less and less difficult. 

Anyway, I have a lot of great things in my life. When I sit and count my blessings, it's not difficult to see that I have many. A skill that I'm trying to work on is to not over-complicate things and focus on the little things that aren't perfect in my life. I feel like I'm standing in this really beautiful area with trees, waterfalls, animals, etc around me but keep putting little things in front of my eyes that block my vision of all the many wonderful things around me. (I stink at analogies, I know.) Satan would have me do that, and would have me be miserable - and he has done a pretty good job of it. Sometimes I still get sad and scared. I wish I didn't, but I do. But I'm learning more about my enemy and how he works - I'm getting on to his lies! I'm learning what's reality and what's ridiculous. I'm learning what's life and what's lies. I'm learning what's normal and what's nonsense. I still have a lot to learn and a lot of things that need changing, but it's happening and I feel like it will continue to happen as I keep at it. 

When it comes down to it, life is really pretty simple, and I have a great one. I'm a really lucky guy. 

What is this feeling?

Not loathing, for all you Wicked fans. Everyone else, don't worry about it. 

Anyway, last night while driving to our SA workshop that we're attending I was thinking about how things were going and realized that the last few days had just been a little easier than the previous few weeks. Temptations to get on the computer and look at something are few and far between, but I am currently engaged in the daily battle with the temptation to lust, and I also need to learn some fundamental things about intimacy and relationships and life that I have yet been unable to learn. 

I have been learning that it's ok to notice that other women are attractive. It's ok for women to be attractive. It's ok for me to notice. And that's it. It doesn't have to mean anything more than that. I have been working on looking at women as whole human beings and to not objectify them or look at them superficially as I have done for much of my life. I don't have to get nervous because there is someone attractive around. I can notice and let it end at that, and remember my love for my wife, the many things I admire about her, and the deep intimacy that we have been working to build. I didn't explain that situation very well, but oh well...

Anyway, for one reason or another, recently temptations in this realm have been harder to deal with and work through, and that has brought me a lot of anxiety, stress, depression, etc. BUT yesterday as I was thinking I realized that I was actually feeling ok, and better, and that things were ok. During the workshop I tried to express how I was feeling and struggled. I couldn't find the right words until the facilitator jumped in and said:

You're feeling more peaceful.

And it hit me. It had been so long since I felt any real degree of peace that I completely forgot what it was like and how to describe it. By no means am I completely at peace with myself and life and everything, although I wish I were, but for those few days I was at least able to feel peaceful to some degree, and it gave me a hope that I can get to that point long term eventually. 

I'm curious how often others with addiction or loved ones of addicts feel peace and what they do to feel peace - because I really loved it. I felt so much better. I think all that talking about it made me think more and so today was a little less peaceful, but I've tasted it now and desire it more. Perhaps it came from acceptance or maybe it was simply a gift from God. Either way... I could get used to it.