Intimacy, relationships, and a cat

My wife and I are attending a 10 week sexual addiction workshop that I think is going to be really great. It's been interesting though, as my wife has been more comfortable in the meetings than I have, mainly since I've never attended a group where wives were also there - for the 3+ years I've been going to group it's always been a bunch of guys who are addicts and although I was very nervous at first I learned that no one was judging and opened up. That nervousness is back and I'm really self-conscious in this workshop, but that will need to get better if I'm to get all I need to get out of it (which is A LOT). 

One thing from last night that stayed with me was that people don't pick what addiction they have, the addiction picks the person. Addictions stem from needs. And the type of person that gets sucked into sexual addiction is one who deeply needs intimacy. In the workshop, intimacy was defined with other words: vulnerable, interpersonal, attachment, familiar, respectful, righteous, trusting, transparent, interaction. 

I looked back on my life and realized I haven't had a truly intimate relationship ever. Don't get me wrong, I had tons of friends, but my relationship with them always went to a certain point and no further. I never really confided in my friends. I always acted as if everything was fine. Even with my wife, dating, engagement, and into marriage, I have stunk at being vulnerable, interpersonal, attached, familiar, respectful, righteous, trusting, transparent, and interactive. Turns out I'm really terrible at intimacy.

I also remembered that I wasn't able to really make any progress with my addiction years ago until I opened up to people - my parents, friends, group members, other family members. It was then that I felt closer to them, accepted by them, and in turn some of them opened up to me and it felt great. Unfortunately that was just the beginning, and I'm still the same man in many ways. 

Temptations have been esp difficult recently, I think because I am lacking in good relationships. Things with the wife and I have been really hard the last few months. My good friends and I moved on with the new school year and I don't see them. My 12-step group recently split and I don't talk to people very much there anymore. I think this is why it's been so hard.

So anyway, one thing that I want to focus on is developing intimate relationships with those around me - first and foremost my wife. I will try to feel vulnerable, transparent, interpersonal, etc with her as she would like me to.

Here are some things I've done, and maybe some things I plan to do.

One problem that I have to fix is that I shut down when my wife needs me most. Often, when she opens up and leans on me and needs me, I shut down because it's usually because of things I have done and instead of being supportive and reassuring I feel terrible and that's the end of it. Yesterday we had one of those moments and instead of sinking into my despair I tried very hard to instead think of her and how I could help her. I still didn't say anything great or impressive like the scripted shows we watch, but I said something. And that's improvement.

Also, one thing that my wife has wanted for over a decade is her own cat. She told me this when before we got married, and I knew it would be a reality eventually - but I hadn't really decided it would be. When we'd talk about it I'd always shove it into the future and come up with excuses. The idea is really scary to me - I've never had an indoor pet. I hate fur. I hate the smell. It's more money. And there are other issues at hand. BUT it is something incredibly important to my wife, and it was time for me to take a risk and make a sacrifice for her - so we're going to be proud owners of a new feline pretty soon. And I will do everything I can to love that stupid cat. :)

Another thing I did this morning was I was feeling scared about a situation that occurred with my schooling and as usual put up a barrier the day before and acted like it wasn't worrying me at all and that it would be just fine and that I was fine. This morning I was still feeling scared, and instead of burying those feelings I decided to tell my wife that I felt scared about it even though I was pretty sure everything would be fine. 

These are little things... but important things. I know I will have a slow learning curve, sometimes I won't do as well as others. I've NEVER been good at this. I almost feel like I'm learning a completely new skill, which is weird because I feel like these things should just come natural. But it hasn't. I love my wife very much and want nothing more than to be close to her and happy with her, problem is I have been so inconsistent with that for one reason or another (pride, fear, etc) which has caused us great grief. This is what needs to happen now, and I need to include God in the process, because I think I've distanced Him over the last year as I've gotten more frustrated and depressed about my issues. So here we go...

After the wreckage

Just have a few minutes before I need to head to work. My wife and I began attending a workshop that is 2 hours each week that is kind of a group therapy for couples who have been harmed by sexual addiction. I have a lot of hope that it will be a positive experience for us both.

While we are still dealing with a lot, I feel like where we are in post-explosion. Through my addiction and the mental/emotional consequences of it, I have caused explosion after explosion in our relationship. I dropped bomb after bomb after bomb through lies, hurtful words, actions, etc.



Once I learned to be honest and got a good deal of sobriety most of the bombing stopped and we were left with the wreckage.



I had no idea the effect that my addiction was having on skewing my thoughts and beliefs about women, relationships, and myself. I've realized that I have so much mental and emotional healing to do, and that stopping acting out is really only the first step in a long journey of healing. This is a little depressing because I think of how difficult stopping acting out was and I think, man - I would think it would have had a greater impact on my happiness and peace. And while it has helped me to feel a bit more confidence and peace, it's not much.

I can imagine that the people in a city that has just been bombed are relieved that the bombing is over, but horrified at the damage it caused and feel overwhelmed by the amount of work it will take to rebuild everything.

Good news is that the bombing has stopped and we are learning how to rebuild. I am realizing the lies that I have assimilated in bad habits for much of my life and am working to unlearn them and learn truths. I'm working to simplify my life and my thoughts and not to freak out over every little thing. I'm learning to appreciate my wife for who she is and realize the true precious gem I have in her. I'm learning to not objectify women around me and to look at everyone as a person, a daughter, sister, wife, mother, etc. I'm learning to be open. I'm learning to be there emotionally for my wife. Looking forward to our beautiful city.

Climbing the integrity ladder

I've been reading some man blogs recently that have been a good additional resource in my recovery. One today that I particularly liked was on the "art of manliness" blog, here.  It talks about integrity, and particularly how men compromise their integrity through small decisions. Here are a few points I really liked and found to be particularly true from an addiction standpoint. 

1. Compromising our integrity begins with the small things. Just like the businessman that steals millions through fudging numbers, our addictive behaviors start by fudging a cent here and a cent there. A huge part of recovery for me has been recognizing where I fudge those cents and then fixing them immediately instead of justifying them as only a few cents. 

I like this analogy he shares from a book:
"two college students who find themselves struggling on an exam that will determine whether or not they get into graduate school. They are 'identical in terms of attitudes, abilities, and psychological health,' and are “reasonably honest and have the same middling attitude towards cheating.” Both students are presented with the chance to see another student’s answers and both struggle with the temptation. But one decides to cheat and the other does not. 'Each gain something important, but at a cost; one gives up integrity for a good grade, the other gives up a good grade to preserve his integrity.'

When you make a mistake or a choice that’s out of line with your values, a gap opens up between your actual behavior and your self-image as a good, honest, competent person. Because of this gap, you experience cognitive dissonance – a kind of mental anxiety or discomfort. Since humans don’t like this feeling of discomfort, our brains quickly work to bridge the divide between how we acted and our positive self-image by explaining away the behavior as really not so bad after all.

Thus the student who decided to cheat will soothe his conscience by telling himself things like, “Idid know the answer, I just couldn’t think of it at the time,” or “Most of the other students cheated too,” or “The test wasn’t fair in the first place – the professor never said that subject was going to be covered.” He’ll find ways to frame his decision as no big deal.

The student who didn’t cheat, while he won’t experience the same kind of cognitive dissonance as his peer, will still wonder if he made the right choice, especially if he doesn’t get a good grade on the exam. Feeling uncertain about a decision can cause some dissonance too, so this student will also seek to buttress the confidence he feels in his choice by reflecting on the wrongness of cheating and how good it feels to have a clear conscience.

As each student reflects on and justifies his choice, his attitude about cheating and his self-perception will subtly change. The student who cheated will loosen his stance about when cheating is okay, and feel that there’s nothing wrong with being the kind of person who does it a little for a good reason; his ability to rationalize dishonest choices will go up and so will his fudge factor margin. The student who maintained his integrity will feel more strongly than before that cheating is never acceptable, and his ability to rationalize dishonesty will go down, along with his personal fudge factor margin as well. To further decrease the ambiguity and increase the certainty each student feels about their divergent decisions, they will then each make more choices in line with these new stances."

Like each of the students, each of us decides to "cheat" for one reason or another. The little cheats are the road to relapse. They lead us down the path of less integrity while decisions not to cheat lead us down the path of more integrity.

Similarly, he describes a phenomenon all too familiar to addicts that they call the "what the hell" effect. This happens when we get to a point of acting out and say, "well... I've already acted out, might as well go all they way. I've already lost." Instead of step by step falling down the slope, we take a direct turn and fall off the cliff. What a lie! Well... I accidentally had a little bit of chocolate so I might as well eat the whole cake! I missed one question so I might as well screw up the whole test! I didn't exercise today so I guess I should just never exercise again! 

2. Integrity can be rebuilt. Just as making poor decisions hurts our integrity, making good decisions builds it back up. As weak and poor as our integrity is at the beginning, we can make those difficult decisions early on. We can choose the difficult choice with the greater immediate consequence but much less severe long-term consequence. We can keep the rules we've set. We can pray in a time of trouble. We can come clean immediately after acting out. We can be accountable. We can not justify the little "cheats" that inevitably lead to acting out. 

I've seen this as I have sought recovery. It's been a long, hard road (and still is), but I believe I have regained a certain measure of integrity that I haven't had in years. Maybe ever. I now find myself being almost hyperactive to even the smallest dishonest decision. Because I know, if I am dishonest in one thing, I can easily become dishonest in all things. My conscience has become hyperactive, and I'm still learning to control it, but it's much better than the hypoactive state is has been in for years. 

Anyway, I think he summarizes my favorite parts in this paragraph: 

Once you commit one dishonest act, your moral standards loosen, your self-perception as an honest person gets a little hazier, your ability to rationalize goes up, and your fudge factor margin increases. Where you draw the line between ethical and unethical, honest and dishonest, moves outward. From his research, Ariely has found that committing a dishonest act in one area of your life not only leads to more dishonesty in that one area, but ends up corrupting other areas of your life as well. “A single act of dishonesty,” he argues, “can change a person’s behavior from that point onward.”

If we are to recover, we must become honest in ALL areas of life... not just with addiction. Any lie or dishonesty that we let slide is toxic to our integrity. Two times while assisting surgery I have accidentally touched something not sterile, which means I have to ungown and re-scrub in, and most attendings will tell you not to bother. I wanted to stay because maybe I'd get to help with the surgery. I thought of lots of rationalizations, but in the end determined that I would not touch a patient while not sterile. I'm sad that it was a struggle, but happy to report that I kept that decision. I need to do better though so that it gets to the point where it's not even a struggle. A little while ago I littered in a parking lot and didn't do anything about it. I went back and filled a grocery bag full of garbage later to make up for it. My wife and I found an extra $20 groupon to a restaurant because they didn't redeem our last one - but we're not going to use it. The same can be said for our rules of not surfing the web, only doing the essential things online while my wife is not home, never using computer after wife goes to sleep, and other rules. Call me crazy, but this is the type of person I need to be if I am going to regain my integrity. 

I pray God continues to bless me as I seek to rebuild the integrity that I have lost in lies and addiction. The beauty is that it is possible - I know that because I've taken the first few steps on that long journey. It's getting easier. I still struggle and have a ways to go, but I am committed to continuing on this path for the rest of my life until it becomes a deep and inseparable part of me. 

My syndrome

Sobriety is going well still. Nothing even close to an issue in a long while. Like I mentioned previously, the main struggle now becomes dealing with my skewed view of relationships and sexuality. Those views have taken a great toll on my relationship with my wife and on her personally in many ways. I don't have time to really go into things 100% now, but the gist of it is that I very much fell victim to "the centerfold syndrome," as one author calls it.

It's a book about male sexuality and how messed up it has become due to various societal and environmental pressures and tendencies. I don't love the book all the way through - it's got a lot of parts I wouldn't have included and some parts that I straight up skipped (because it includes direct dialogue from a men's group he was helping sort through these issues), but the overall message is something I needed.

The overall message is that a great number of men are suffering from this syndrome, comprised of 5 things:

1. Voyeurism — an obsession with visual stimulation that trivializes all other features of a healthy relationship.
2. Objectification of women — an obsessive focus on body parts and the rating of women by size and shape.
3. Sex for masculinity validation — having one’s manliness and self-worth tied up in one’s sexual prowess.
4. Trophyism — treating women as collectibles and property.
5. Fear of intimacy — Fear of a real relationship and what risks and requirements are involved with having a relationship with a real woman instead of a fake one. 

If you're like me, then as you read through this list you were like, "yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah... and yeah." This was me to a T. The word 'obsessive' is particularly accurate. It's natural to notice beauty in others. Who doesn't? The problem is I and other men that suffer from this syndrome have been taking it to a higher level. 

I read the book once and plan on going back through the 'how to' section again and really apply it... but just reading through it has really helped me. The thing that has been the hardest for me in this realm is actually just realizing that these views are WRONG. They're crazy. They are anti-truth. They are, like a porn addiction, complete insanity.  However, because I validated and believed nothing was wrong with these beliefs for so many years, I have been giving weight to them and taking them into rational consideration. I never realized the level that I had objectified women to. 

Anyway, I read through the book and have been doing my best to catch myself when my thoughts go down those paths. I try to catch myself when I start thinking about these things, because the big problems happen when I give weight to them and believe them. 

Anyway, I've been really trying to do that recently and have been met with a decent amount of success! I'm a bit more able to look at women as real people (that sounds horrible, but it's kind of where I am). I have been able to talk myself through difficult situations. I have been able to see and appreciate my wife for who she really is, appreciate the qualities she possesses, and feel great love for her and hope for our future. That's been the biggest reward so far for sure. Got a waaaays go to, but now I know a big enemy, how it attacks me, and how to deal with it. 

Anyway, still learning about these things and it's still early, but it's been nice to make a little progress. Confidence is still a huge issue for me. I've messed up so many times in the past and done things wrong so many times that I have lost all trust and confidence in myself. I'm gaining it back. I'm learning that God has and will help me. It's hard sometimes. I just hope that we can finally start to move on. It seems that once we untie one knot there lies one just as big underneath it, or knots we thought we untied are still tied. I feel a lot of hope though. It actually finally feels doable.