I had a birthday over the weekend - one year older and wiser and soberer too. One thing about turning 28 is that it just feels so close to 30... which I'm sure one day I will be like 'oh to be 30 again!' but now 30 just seems like that age that I didn't think I'd hit any time soon.
The other thing about turning 28 though is that I had my first 'age year' of not acting out sexually since I don't know when. Who'd a thunk that 27 was my lucky number? I didn't really start acting out seriously until after my mission at age 21, but each year prior to that I made poor decisions and got involved in things I shouldn't have in this depressing realm of addiction all the way back to when things like this started to be interesting to me.
Anyway, 27 was porn free. It was mb free. It was free of justifications. It was free of letting my thoughts go on whatever they wanted. That's positive. It was, however, still full of a lot sorrowful times. A lot. Most of which due to the hurt I have caused my dear wife. Unfortunately the sequelae of sexual addiction go well beyond the actual acting out. Just because people stop bombing a city doesn't mean it will all magically be rebuilt and shiny when the bombs stop going off - gotta rebuild it one building at a time (random analogy but it's what I thought of so there ya go).
If only minds and hearts healed as fast as cuts and bruises.
Good news is that we're healing and rebuilding the foundations of our relationship (and our personal characters) that were rocked so hard by all of this. We've got a ways to go, but we're going. And that's what's important. I still have a hard time not hating myself for causing all this.... - and that's all I have to say about that (Thanks, Forrest).
Happy b-day to moi. 28 is gonna be a good one.
Monday, May 20, 2013
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Getting real with God
I've been steadily working through the 12 steps since June of 2010 and am currently on step 11. Honestly I'm finding it hard to complete. Each morning I think about the need to have a really solid personal study in which I diligently search the scriptures, seek the Lord's will, and obtain personal revelation for my life... and each morning it makes me feel anxious.
I asked myself why this morning, and couldn't come to any particular reason.
It could just be that I'm lazy and feel anxious about putting the kind of work it takes to have that great of a study. Either way, I got on my knees and told those feelings very honestly to God and asked for help, and opened up the new testament and read for 15-20 minutes. I didn't take notes. I didn't ask questions. I didn't really seek God's will much... but at least I opened the scriptures and read... it's a good start.
BUT it did at least get me thinking about step 11, which is an improvement. It just seems that whenever I "get real" with God that good things happen in subtle (and sometimes obvious) ways.
I've kind of been at this point for a while I'll have about 1/10 days where I have a better study, then the other 9 are just kind of going through motions or doing it because I know I have to.
I need to remember, the point of personal study is to connect with God and learn His will. That doesn't happen on the days I do it just to do it... those days I grow in obedience and duty but that's about it - which is good, but if I am to incorporate step 11 into my life, it will not suffice.
Why is it SO HARD to just do the things we need to do??? It seems like it should be such an easy thing.
I guess my next goals need to be just that - to do what it takes to have a good personal study each day, and to seek God's will both in the morning and throughout the day. That's what step 11 will be for me. I've struggled putting forth the effort necessary to apply it and have settled on good when I could have better or best.
I know I'll need extra strength to accomplish this and pray that God will be by my side and give me the strength I lack. And I'll also ask my wonderful wife to help me and remind me.
On a side note, I want to get to the point where I am good at helping my wife accomplish goals she wants to do. I want to help her fly. That's a quality I want to learn. The end.
I asked myself why this morning, and couldn't come to any particular reason.
It could just be that I'm lazy and feel anxious about putting the kind of work it takes to have that great of a study. Either way, I got on my knees and told those feelings very honestly to God and asked for help, and opened up the new testament and read for 15-20 minutes. I didn't take notes. I didn't ask questions. I didn't really seek God's will much... but at least I opened the scriptures and read... it's a good start.
BUT it did at least get me thinking about step 11, which is an improvement. It just seems that whenever I "get real" with God that good things happen in subtle (and sometimes obvious) ways.
I've kind of been at this point for a while I'll have about 1/10 days where I have a better study, then the other 9 are just kind of going through motions or doing it because I know I have to.
I need to remember, the point of personal study is to connect with God and learn His will. That doesn't happen on the days I do it just to do it... those days I grow in obedience and duty but that's about it - which is good, but if I am to incorporate step 11 into my life, it will not suffice.
Why is it SO HARD to just do the things we need to do??? It seems like it should be such an easy thing.
I guess my next goals need to be just that - to do what it takes to have a good personal study each day, and to seek God's will both in the morning and throughout the day. That's what step 11 will be for me. I've struggled putting forth the effort necessary to apply it and have settled on good when I could have better or best.
I know I'll need extra strength to accomplish this and pray that God will be by my side and give me the strength I lack. And I'll also ask my wonderful wife to help me and remind me.
On a side note, I want to get to the point where I am good at helping my wife accomplish goals she wants to do. I want to help her fly. That's a quality I want to learn. The end.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
The sun came up
Can't believe it's been about 3 weeks since I was last here. I'm not sure what to write, so I'll keep it short and just log things that have happened over the last little while.
My wife and I selected a counselor to begin seeing once every two weeks or so and we have seen her twice since. She has been great at being a neutral 3rd party to help us talk through things and figure out what we can do, and what we want to do. It is an expensive thing, but the money was well worth the help that we have received. In meeting with our counselor, we discovered some specific things we can work on and a good direction on how to move forward (and that we want to move forward!).
She explained the first day we were there that so often we just put bandaids over problems and expect them to heal - often that works. Bandaids are fabulous and the body is great at healing itself most the time. However, with significant wounds that are infected, bandaids will simply cover them up for the time being. Our marriage had a significant, infected wound that kept opening up every few weeks because all we did was put bandaids over it. I hope, and believe, that as we dig deeper and cleanse the whole wound that it can finally seal up and heal up properly and for good.
I don't know why I never went to counseling before... by myself I mean. I feel like I was just a walking bundle of bandaids. I had so many problems inside that I didn't address. Anyway - it was positive and I pray it will continue to be positive.
One part of the plan is for me to get evaluated for OCD. Good times there. I've always known I had parts of it, but never wanted to do anything about it, or felt it was serious enough to do anything about it. So we'll do that and see where it goes.
Anyway, we're doing better. We have hope. That's the bottom line. My wife is figuring things out and accepting things that she needs to. I am so grateful for her - she tries so hard and does so well. I've put her through so much, and crushed alot of her childhood dreams, which kills me inside. I hope to start living some our dreams together soon.
I continue to do personal study daily, attend group weekly, and have nightly follow ups with my wife. I continue to remain in sobriety, 15 months strong. I continue to feel temptations daily - some days go by easily, others not. I still have a long way to go. We still have a long way to go. But we're going. And we know we can make it.
Thanks for the prayers. I'm sure they helped.
My wife and I selected a counselor to begin seeing once every two weeks or so and we have seen her twice since. She has been great at being a neutral 3rd party to help us talk through things and figure out what we can do, and what we want to do. It is an expensive thing, but the money was well worth the help that we have received. In meeting with our counselor, we discovered some specific things we can work on and a good direction on how to move forward (and that we want to move forward!).
She explained the first day we were there that so often we just put bandaids over problems and expect them to heal - often that works. Bandaids are fabulous and the body is great at healing itself most the time. However, with significant wounds that are infected, bandaids will simply cover them up for the time being. Our marriage had a significant, infected wound that kept opening up every few weeks because all we did was put bandaids over it. I hope, and believe, that as we dig deeper and cleanse the whole wound that it can finally seal up and heal up properly and for good.
I don't know why I never went to counseling before... by myself I mean. I feel like I was just a walking bundle of bandaids. I had so many problems inside that I didn't address. Anyway - it was positive and I pray it will continue to be positive.
One part of the plan is for me to get evaluated for OCD. Good times there. I've always known I had parts of it, but never wanted to do anything about it, or felt it was serious enough to do anything about it. So we'll do that and see where it goes.
Anyway, we're doing better. We have hope. That's the bottom line. My wife is figuring things out and accepting things that she needs to. I am so grateful for her - she tries so hard and does so well. I've put her through so much, and crushed alot of her childhood dreams, which kills me inside. I hope to start living some our dreams together soon.
I continue to do personal study daily, attend group weekly, and have nightly follow ups with my wife. I continue to remain in sobriety, 15 months strong. I continue to feel temptations daily - some days go by easily, others not. I still have a long way to go. We still have a long way to go. But we're going. And we know we can make it.
Thanks for the prayers. I'm sure they helped.
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