Once I started going to group, I slowly but surely understood the importance of reaching out for help. I have been amazed over and over again how supportive people are when I reach out to them. Even when they don't know how to respond, they always find some way to show encouragement or support.
Since then I've discussed my struggles with almost every one of my family members, my grandparents, one of my brothers-in-law, old roommates, friends, someone in my ward, and I'm not sure who else. I try and be as smart as I can to discern the right time, place, and person I reach out to, but each time I do it reaffirms a few things to me:
1 - I am not a terrible person. Occasionally I get in monster-mode and feel I'm not worth dirt. However, when I reach out I find that those that care for me support me. They don't suddenly think I'm a horrible person. If anything it seems their love and concern for me grows. On that note...
2 - I am loved... last person I opened up to was my oldest sister. A couple weeks later she wrote me a long email expressing her love and encouragement. She also sometimes asks me how I'm doing with it in our conversations and it gives me an opportunity to be accountable.
3 - It puts my addiction in perspective. Don't get me wrong, my addiction has caused an immense amount of trouble and pain, and it is a big deal... but I also tend to magnify that shame and trouble and very often let it define me and dictate my life. Sometimes reaching out to someone helps me see when I am doing that.
4 - I don't need to struggle in secret. Whether it be because of misunderstandings about life or because of pride or shame, we often decide to struggle alone in secret. After I reach out to another person, it breaks down that pride/shame and I feel hope and love. It's always been good for me.
5 - Other people have struggles. When I let my walls down, other people are suddenly willing to let their walls down, sometimes at that moment, sometimes later. But I'm always surprised and grateful at what comes out of people's mouths when they all of a sudden feel safe telling me what is really going on. One of my best friends in my current ward came about because I opened up to him about my struggles randomly after church and he shared with me some of his. Fewer walls is a good thing.
How to do it? I don't really know. I find myself thinking about my addiction often in conversations with people, and a lot of time it's just using those moments... just start talking. The more build up there is the more difficult it will be. I don't think there is ever a struggle to find a time to do it, there is always a time to talk about inner feelings in every deeper 1 on 1 conversation with anybody, it's just a matter of going with them when they come up. The first few times are incredibly scary, but it gets easier.
Anyway, I hope I can continually find ways to reach out to others for help. Each time it takes some courage and is a bit of a leap of faith, but I've yet to have a negative experience, on the contrary, reaching out is a vital part of recovery. It shows that I am letting go of the pride and shame of addiction and willing to do what is necessary. Happy conference everybody, hope we can all take an opportunity to reach out to those around us and see the great things that result.
