Big changes a'comin'

So it's been a little while - you can tell how busy my rotations are based on how often I write in this blog.. but honestly my last rotation wasn't that busy, I just have been busy with other things. I'm at that point in a med student's life where I'm at the 20-pronged fork in the road after the first 20-pronged fork in the road. So I've decided on a track in medicine and have a back up cause my first one is a bit of a stretch.

So there are some HUGE changes coming: moving earlier than we thought, a future move to a completely new place somewhere in the US, my wife leaving her profession for a temporary job, being apart for 4-5 months while I'm on rotations, and that's just off the top of my head.

With big changes come opportunities: in many ways it is a new fresh start. My wife and I have had some hard times down here because of me, and some great ones. It has been our humble and difficult beginning. In our months in Utah and years wherever I match into residency, we will have the opportunity to start new good habits, continue current good ones, make new memories - there is also the potential for old habits to sneak in. I have a good 'safe zone' worked out down here - a good system - and a change of scenery brings with it new ways to get caught off guard and the necessity of being able to adapt more than usual.

I think the keys to surviving changes are 1) continuing good habits that have worked before and 2) evaluating early and often how the efforts are going, being aware of potential threats and weak points in the armor. I am pretty aware of my weaknesses and destructive beliefs/habits, so I will be on guard.

We're sad to leave this place behind... I think when I look back to Phoenix later in my life, it will be with reverence.

Other updates:

1) I had an interesting situation last week where justifying acting out would have been... well... almost justifiable. I won't do the details, but I was proud of myself for not even getting close to those old habits. Those victories go a long way and give me faith because not long ago I don't think I would have been so strong.

2) Mile-a-day 2014 - still going strong. I kind of missed one day, but am sure I walked a mile that day to and from places we were so I'm going to count it. up to 116 miles ran this year. Also haven't missed flossing a day yet, which was my 2013 goal. Setting and keeping these goals has been a great strength to me and my integrity. I think it's important for everyone to have 1-2 things that are non-negotiables that they do no matter what. We've all got numerous things that theoretically we should do daily, but miss here and there and life goes on. But I think picking 1-2 of those and doing them no matter what over the long term brings great strength to a person. Making other decisions seems a tad easier.

Shanks for the help

Just want to write about a victory I had on Monday. Kind of reminded me of the youtube thing I mentioend in my last entry. During my previous rotation, I listened to a book on cd and managed to finish it quickly during the month because of all the driving I was doing. The book was "Unbroken," a story of survival about a WWII airman stranded in the Pacific ocean. I really loved it. It was entertaining and inspired me to come closer to God and be a better person.

I started a new rotation on Monday and had a new book by my favorite sports author, Rick Reilly. I just think he's hilariously brilliant. I've read 2 books of his that are compilations of his Sports Illustrated articles and greatly entertained and touched deeply by the inside messages his articles have occasionally.

I expected a similar theme with this book of his that I was going to listen to in the car this month, a golf book called "Shanks for Nothing." Unfortunately it was not! It wasn't a collection of his prior essays, but an actual fictional story written by him and he took the opportunity to push lines that he can't push in his articles with language and innuendos.

Anyway, after a few less-than-inspiring moments in the book, I managed to turn it off and just handed the book-on-cd back into the library today. I was grateful to God for the strength to do that, because He knows how much I love a good laugh and I know that book would have been hilarious and I really wanted to just listen anyway and think that the bad parts wouldn't affect me and that maybe it is just the beginning that is bad and the rest is fine and... well... those were the justifications I battled.

I struggled on knowing when to stop, because I'm not the kind of guy that'll shut something off at the first sign of bad language or bit of innuendo... and maybe I should, but I feel that's extreme. But I got to a point where I knew it was time to turn it off. Like inside I could feel it. So I was able to push the eject button and not listen anymore.

That was a little-big victory for me. And I'll take it. I'm realizing more and more how important the little-big victories of integrity are, particularly when no one else is around.

Whisky milk

About a year ago, I posted a little about the insanity that addiction usually entails. I talked a lot about my favorite story in the AA book, about the alcoholic who walked into a restaurant known to serve alcohol just for a sandwich and milk (he'd be fine, right?), only to have the thought come to him to add just a little bit of whisky to his milk. He surely wouldn't notice it, and it probably wouldn't affect him. He'd been sober for a while, so a little whisky wouldn't do much. Right? INSANITY!

It mirrors my addiction exactly. Wandering to certain sites or looking up certain things that would qualify as a little ounce of whisky, thinking I'd be fine or be able to stop when I wanted, soon finding myself in a death spiral. I really don't like to write or think about it because of guilty feelings it brings back, apparently I'm not at peace with it all yet.

Anyway, I - and I'm sure each of us - have realized that we can NOT handle a little whisky in our milk (despite what the little voice of temptation would have us believe). Unfortunately we will always be in an environment where our addiction of choice is readily available, as it is by far the most accessible addiction there is... but it is important to do all I can to keep myself in as safe an environment as I can.

For example, I've not had access to youtube for years, just because of the potential for evil it has. At first it seemed like I would be missing out on so much by not having access, and there is the occasional moment where it would be convenient, such as for medical school uses to look up procedures or tutorials... but I've just learned to live without it and somehow life has been just fine.

For the last 2 years I've been able to eliminate the little whisky-in-the-milk justifications and slowly but surely my mind has been healing. I believe God has been integral in that process, particularly in enlightening my mind to be aware and recognize the insane tendencies.

So I guess that's about it. Let's make today a sane day.

How I combat temptation

I just want to talk about a few ways that I've combated temptation over the years since I started recovery. Sometimes you've got to try new things or keep a step ahead of Satan, and I just kind of want to remember things that helped or things that didn't help.

Early on, the battle is exceptionally difficult. We all have our cycles of acting out. Mine was 2 weeks. For others it could be a month, 3 months, a year, 3 days, etc. Whatever your cycle is, that's what your physiology is trained to do, and it will fight your efforts. 

When I first started getting out of addiction, I had a calm for a couple weeks, and then a storm hit. It was a constant swirl of temptation that met me in the morning and stayed with me till I slept. I constantly battled, prayed, and struggled seemingly to no avail. On the 12th day of this onslaught, I woke up in peace. It passed. It was like Satan retreated and left me alone for some time, until the next opportunity arose. 

I made a good deal of mistakes since that experience, but getting out of the initial cycle was incredibly difficult. I wonder if the initial breakthrough is about 2x as long as the usual cycle for everyone... 

Anyway, that leads to my first key to overcoming temptation. Resilience. 

Assuming we are good on the initial surrender in step 1, we next must be resilient in our efforts. I have learned to never put timelines or provisions on my attempts to get out of temptation because I will most certainly take them. "If this person answers their phone..." or "If someone calls me" or if x, y, or z won't happen. I must be prepared to go the distance no matter what, and to turn to God 77 X 7 until I can wake up in peace. And that moment has and will come. Every time. Too often we put forward 90% of the effort but see none of the blessings. I usually like to find a place to pray out loud and do 3 things:

1) acknowledge the temptation we are feeling

2) ask God for a way out

3) commit to following God's path and relying on him - verbally, out loud, with confidence, without conditions. 

Often the answer comes is "go outside and walk around" or "close your computer and don't get on it again, you don't need to" or go somewhere or do something. 

Sometimes it's just a "hang in there - I am with you. Things will be ok." Either way, God has always provided an escape that if I took it allowed me to escape... escapes have become faster and easier over time. 

Like I said, I have had my share of mistakes since that time, and have learned a lot. Slips would seem to come out of nowhere, and the justifications and hiding of them were just as subtle... and it would be some time before I would realize exactly what I had done. I would act out in lighter ways that I previously had and decide they didn't count or that they were somehow excusable. That was Satan's next plan and it worked just like he drew it up... for a while.

So my next key of overcoming temptation is awareness. 

I like to ask myself questions in the moment of temptation. How am I feeling? Why am I feeling this way? What triggers have led me to this? How have I contributed to getting in this situation? What was the first step in the wrong direction? I am now fully aware of my danger zone (or yellow light behaviors, or whatever you want to call it). I know the feeling well, and the moment it comes, I must acknowledge it and address it. Ignoring it will not do. Ignorance cannot lead to powerful choices. 

Often I need to get out of the situation completely in order to be truly aware of what's going on. There's a reason that temptation is represented by mist of darkness in Lehi's dream - it blinds eyes and hearts. We need light to shine on us in order to make a good decisions. A change in surroundings often can do just that. Being around people we know is good. Often in these moments I am led to make rules and regulations for myself for the rest of the evening until I am out of the danger zone again. 

I think once I became aware of my feelings and the danger zone and my triggers, I became obsessed with them. They controlled my thoughts, my feelings, my life. I became obsessed with not having triggers, or dealing with every emotion correctly, obsessed with when and why I was being tempted, and whether certain things counted as lusting or if the glance was an instinct. I was truly tortured. 

Which brings me to my last key of combating temptation, composure. 

While I was not acting out at this time, I was not healthy, and my relationships were not healthy. I was being driven mad by my own conscience and by the things around me. What I needed was composure - the state or feeling of being calm and in control of oneself.

I needed to do my ABCs. Accept deep inside that I am a person and will be tempted and drawn towards certain things - and that's ok. Breathe deep breaths to calm myself down. And focus on what I can choose to do. It's ok that there are attractive people around me. It's ok that I'm attracted to certain things. It doesn't have to mean anything or change the way I feel about anything. It is part of life and part of being a human.

Combating temptation is different for everyone and I have found that my strategies and needs have changed based on how far I am in to recovery. You've all probably tried these things and many others with varying degrees of success. The important thing is that each of us is active in our strategies and that we evaluate our efforts frequently. Best of luck to everyone and feel free to share ideas or anything else about the topic. 

The two-faced spirit

My wife and I were talking about a lesson I was giving today in church that she had actually taught a few weeks earlier in a different class. It was about making choices, which by the title of my blog you know I have some strong feelings about. One thing my wife pointed out I feel has particular relevance in our little community of battlers, and I wanted to bring it up.

The point regards pre-sin satan and post-sin satan.

Pre-sin satan says things like this:
"Only once will not matter."
"This battle's over - you can do it this time and then not do it again."
"This will help you feel happy - it's worth it."
"You will always struggle with this."
"It's not really affecting you anyway."
"The only way past this is to give in."
"There's no way out."
"You'll be ok - you're strong enough to handle this."
"You can keep it a secret and no one will know, you'll be fine."
"It doesn't matter anymore, you've nothing to fight for."
etc.

Post-sin satan says things like this:
"You are scum. A wretched person."
"Look what how did. You are so weak."
"How could you have given in?"
"You are broken."
"Keep it a secret - anyone that knows will judge you and distance from you."
"No one needs to know this time, you can hide it."
"How could anyone love you if they knew this side of you?"
etc.

Pre-sin satan and post-sin satan may seem like polar opposites, but I assure you they are from the same spirit. Pre-sin satan builds one up with false pride, making one feel immune - above it - downplaying the situation and its consequences. Post-sin satan fills one with ungodly shame, making one feel as if they are not worth anyone's time, love, or efforts.

And the thing is, neither one is right. Each one is a lie. The unhealthy, skewed pride and the dehumanizing guilt and shame - all a ruse to make us feel how he would have us feel.

Now, let's take a look at the other side.

Pre-sin God
"There is a way out."
"This will not bring you happiness."
"Reach out for help."
"I love you and want to help you."
"Turn unto me."
"Here's what you can do..."
"I will give you peace."

Post-sin God
...Exactly the same.

It is of utmost importance in the pre-sin moments or in the unfortunate post-sin moments that I recognize the swirling enticings around me. Some may be louder than others depending on what I've been tuning into that day. Whatever the case, I have to take a time out in the dangerous situation and tune into the true and constant voice, which by design is a little harder to hear I think.

Tuning in to this voice will encourages me to seek help the early moments before sin. It encourages me to seek help and to not consider myself above it all. It helps me get out of the moment and see the big picture. It helps me avoid or escape the damning feelings of depression and hopelessness.

I hope each of us can pay closer attention to the voices vying for our attention, particularly in the critical moments, and follow the right voice and call the other one a big stinkin' liarface.

2 years!

2 years.

1 day, 731 times. (1 year was a leap year)

A recovery "mission."

Either way I look at it, I'm grateful for where I am. I always thought when these milestones came that I'd be full of elation and excitement, but when they come I feel... sober. Somber. Sober-somber. It's hard to celebrate me not destroying my life and my wife's life because I'm reminded that I did exactly that for a time. 

How do I feel? 

Honestly, I don't even know. I feel humble, aware, and steady. I just feel good. Not incredible. I don't feel like I've done anything special or defeated some terrible monster. I feel like there's a starving wolf that still feebly but occasionally forcefully comes to me for sustenance only to be rejected day after day. I don't feel like he's transformed into the majestic steed that CS Lewis describes in "The Great Divorce." That will take more time, but it is happening. 

One of the bigger changes that has occurred recently has been acceptance. Accepting myself as I am, accepting my wife as she is, accepting life as it comes. And not in the way that I've had to accept that I will never be a pro tennis player or that I'll never be over 6 ft tall, but in a way that I accept an award, or invitation to med school. Gladly, graciously, happily and humbly. I think I've been looking at acceptance in a wrong way for a long time, and I'm starting to more understand it and feel it. 

Sometimes I feel like I need to write a, "THIS is how I made it to 2 years!" secret formula post - but obviously my mind goes blank when I try to think of it. I had certain things that were vital early on and have things that are vital now. Everyone's story will be different though they may have similar themes. 

I also know that I am still 'only a few stupid decisions away from acting out,' as a fellow group member used to say often. I need to stay honest. I need to stay humble. I need to stay active. Recovery needs to continue to be a stepping place to a new life, and not a u-turn back to the way life was before addiction. As if I can remember a time. It seems it was always brewing in me. 

Anyway, I don't write to brag or to proclaim my knowledge. My blog hasn't been as important to recovery as it was in the past. I mainly write just to be a witness that it's possible to get out of the cycle. And it is! I felt so helpless for so long, wrote so many little notes to myself during church asking when I would be able to change if ever, or if I was just doomed to be this way forever. It would have been nice to know a few people that had been in that same situation and had made progress out. 

Holy "I-fest." Sorry. Just trying to write down and sort the feelings out. Year 3 is a few days underway and looking good. May we never give up. May we each be a little less hard on ourselves. May we all reach out - everyone is struggling with something. Good luck to everybody! 

Planning sessions

So my wife had a brilliant idea during church yesterday, namely she set a goal that she and I would have a planning session that day after church and the following week, so we could plan out our week, be on the same page as far as plans, and set some goals. Simple enough, but it was great!

We haven't done this much since we've been married, and it was just nice to go through and talk about our plans together for the week. We talked first about church responsibilities, then about work responsibilities, and then about personal things. We set up a time to go to the temple, a time to set up home/visiting teaching, when we would do our personal studies, and set some good goals. My goal is to do personal study before work each day instead of at the end of the day this week. Simple enough. I'm also continuing to run a mile a day, which is going great.

We also took the time to talk about how I was doing in recovery... I think it was during this meeting, or it might have been a day or two before... either way, I think it would be good to occasionally talk about that as well, even if things are all fine, just to keep the lines of communication open.

I hope we can continue to have these weekly meetings. I feel like we're a team when we do. I think it's especially important in our situation - anything that helps us communicate and puts us on the same page is definitely a plus. And it gives me an opportunity to be accountable. I wish I did this more, and I'll try to, but I wish I told my wife more when I was doing well. Sometimes I don't tell her when I'm doing well because I just don't want her to think about it at all... which sometimes is good... but now I think she needs to hear I'm doing well every so often so she doesn't have to wonder. Good news is probably very refreshing to her ears.

Anyway, I'm glad my wife encouraged us to do the planning together, I think it's great.